


Vertigo

by aurrai



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, M/M, Romance, Sasuke is your only warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:24:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 107,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4621776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aurrai/pseuds/aurrai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after Sasuke leaves the village, he comes back of his own accord and no one knows why. Captured and put under house arrest, Tsunade tells Naruto, Sakura, and Sai to live with him, take care of him, and make him better. But Sasuke isn’t the same Sasuke they remember.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sammywhatammy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sammywhatammy/gifts).



  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# prologue

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


\---

The autumn weather had been so pleasantly crisp that morning. Tsunade was taking tea alone outside in one of the decorative gardens near the Hokage Tower when her Anbu captain materialized directly in front of her, leaned in, and informed her that Uchiha Sasuke stood several inches from the border of Fire Country. Tsunade confirmed the name, and there was a brief pause during which Tsunade shut her eyes. Then she leapt up.

It was the northern border with Whirlpool where the air was fresh with pine and a calm stream demarcated the land. And it was true. On the final plank of a little, red bridge, his pale face flushed under the sun, there he was.

Whatever else she may have thought was overridden by diplomatic sense: capture the criminal, cuff him, and put him into underground confinement before his chakra was detected by those closest to him. She interrogated him on the same day. Then she sent Shikamaru, and waited.

Deep in the musty halls of the prison, Shikamaru was last of a line of Anbu guards to exit the final security checkpoint. Flickering firelight gouged the lines deeper under his eyes, though his expression, as always, was carefully neutral.

Tsunade said, “Do I need to go in there again?”

“No,” said Shikamaru. “I don’t think so.”

“So he disgorged to you everything I need to know to avoid an execution?”

Distantly, another door closed: the Anbu guards leaving. Except for their voices and the occasional crackle of fire, it was silent.

“He didn’t really say much.”

“I see.”

Shikamaru faltered. “He said he wants to come back.”

“And?”

“He said—”

“Oh, no,” Tsunade said, with a breath of amusement. “He got to you.”

Shikamaru lowered his gaze. “It’s just a suggestion, but if you really want something else out of him, perhaps Ibiki-sensei is worth a shot.”

“I sent you in there because the information I want won’t come through anyone else. Now, you are not a cherry-cheeked genin straight from the academy. I expected it would be you to make Sasuke swoon, or at the very least his patience would come up short against yours. But this is so unlike you. What on earth did he tell you?”

Shikamaru bore the scolding professionally, and with a straightening of his shoulders, he seemed to recover from whatever sentiment had possessed him. “He said there was no particular reason for coming back when he did, but that he was getting hungry, and tired of walking, and he heard someone speaking with a Konoha accent, and since the border was so close, he just… decided it was time.”

“That’s what persuaded you.”

“There were other things.” Under the influence of a bewildered stare, Shikamaru continued. “It’s hard to explain.”

Tsunade passed a hand over her forehead. For a few moments, she stood motionless, staring at the packed earth walls.

Shikamaru said, “He was calm, but…”

“Fidgety?”

“I was going to say honest.”

“No,” said Tsunade, with force. “What you saw was a well rehearsed piece of exquisite acting.”

“I’m not sure. But there were times when I could see his eyes clear, like he had suddenly became aware of his surroundings, and then he just shut down completely. I’ve never known him to do that. I feel like maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing either, or he’s made a tough choice he doesn’t know if he can follow through with.”

Tsunade stared at Shikamaru, at his smooth face as yet unmarred by age or experience. She had known there would be a danger in doing this with someone so young. “What were you talking about?”

“At the time I’m thinking of?” Shikamaru looked away. “Naruto.”

So young. “And who brought up Naruto?”

“I did,” said Shikamaru, steadily.

“I see.”

“I told him how Naruto was and what he was doing. He asked where Naruto was. I told him he was out on a mission somewhere.”

“And that’s what caused him to wallow in thought?” Tsunade laughed. “It was an act! Do you think he didn’t plan this whole thing out? Sasuke is no fool. It doesn’t take much to clasp your hands together, stare into space, and spear half a dozen of the most carefully chosen words at the heart.”

“I think I just got a different impression of him.”

“You think.”

“I just…” Shikarmaru frowned.

“I avoided mentioning you-know-who with the blonde hair and blue eyes on purpose," said Tsunade. “I wanted to see if he would broach the topic first. He didn’t. And I could see him getting irritated when he realised none of his needling little tricks were going to work. Makes you wonder if his act hinged on a name that is so often associated with benevolence.”

Shikamaru was silent and he stared at the ground.

“Come on.” Her shoes clacked out a staccato rhythm on the stone. “We’ve used up more time on this than I have to use. The council needs an answer. Well, I need to tell the council first, and then I need to give them an answer.”

Exiting the facility, the sun blazed high in the full blue sky. Closing the door, Tsunade crouched and flicked her fingers through signs. A slippery black seal burst across the metal like barbed spider legs, the force of it sending bird screeching into the sky as her robe billowed out behind her.

“What if he’s telling the truth?” said Shikamaru.

Tsunade stood. “He may well have been hungry, and tired, and overheard a Konoha accent. But it’s only one tiny sliver of the real truth he keeps locked behind his pearl-white teeth.”

“Taka checks out.” 

“Of course Taka checks out. Taka at the very least needed to check out.” 

“I think,” said Shikamaru, carefully, “he’s telling the truth.” 

Tsunade regarded Shikamaru for a long moment. The wind turned his ponytail to feathers, his head politely bowed. “The only thing stopping Uchiha Sasuke’s return from blowing up into an S-rank mission is his mouth and he knows it.” Tsunade pressed her lips. “I want to believe him too. But he’s not talking to us. He’s talking to the people we can talk to.” 

“He did come back on his own,” said Shikamaru. “Voluntarily.” 

“There were Anbu guards all along the border. He just had the spine to put a foot back into Fire Country.” 

“As peacefully as anyone could ask. Unarmed. He didn’t resist.” 

Tsunade's sigh contained the full weight of her position. “There’s something else. I know there is. And I need to get it out of him somehow, but I don’t know how.”

“Yeah. But he was never one to trust authority.”

“There are other means.”

Tsunade saw the subtle shift in Shikamaru’s expression. Not anywhere near as much as others, as was his reticent nature, but enough for her to read his alarm.

“It’s not as simple as walking back into a country you have threatened to destroy and just… carrying on with life.”

“Do you mind if I ask what you plan to do?” said Shikamaru.

“Call Naruto back from his mission, first of all. Then I’m going to spend the rest of the morning locked up in the Hokage Tower, and when I’ve sobered up,” said Tsunade, “I’m going to talk to him. One last time. And then I’m going to have to bend the law so that I don’t have two deaths on my hands. Or more.”

Shikamaru’s mouth lapsed in relief. Tsunade flinched at a stab to her chest the likes of which she had not felt with Sasuke. So this was what Shikamaru feared, though she held back from trusting his reaction. He was still green, and hardly impartial, and only minutes distanced him from everything he had heard and seen. She distrusted her own reaction to Shikamaru, too, which had come to her through Sasuke.

“Damn that Uchiha spawn,” she muttered. Shikamaru looked at her quizzically.

They began along the path back to Konoha, freckled by moving shapes of sunshine and shadow. Above, the tree leaves hissed. Tsunade looked up at a wall of dark clouds laden with rain, just starting to push in from the east.

“I mean no disrespect saying this,” said Shikamaru, “but I think you’ve made the right decision.”

“I haven’t made any decision yet.”

Shikamaru nodded politely, and walked quietly at her side.

“Well, we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we,” said Tsunade, “because this could be my legacy.” 

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
Main Characters:

Minor Characters:

  
(images may be down when I need to update the image host)  


Naruto icon – [goosygirl_icons @ LJ](http://www.goosygirl_icons.livejournal.com/)  
Sasuke icon – [sometime_usagi @ LJ](http://www.sometime_usagi.livejournal.com/)  
Sakura icon – [xiicons @ LJ](http://www.xiicons.livejournal.com/)  
Sai icon – [tenicons @ LJ](http://www.tenicons.livejournal.com/)  
Tsunade icon – [lunargullicons @ LJ](http://www.lunargullicons.livejournal.com/)  
Kakashi icon – [stacylilly @ LJ](http://www.stacylilly.livejournal.com/)

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


This story is not appropriate for underage Readers.  
Are you familiar with the [Archive Warnings](http://archiveofourown.org/faq/tutorial-posting-a-work-on-ao3?language_id=en#pwtwarnings) and [Terms of Service](http://archiveofourown.org/tos#IV.K.)?


	2. one

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# one

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Day 

  


Naruto burst into the Hokage office, clad in the dark and dripping raingear of a travelling ninja. Sakura’s presence he found an oddity, but he ignited the attention of everyone in the room by hollering, “Is Iruka-sensei okay? No one ever gets recalled to hear good news.”

Tsunade said, “Sasuke came back.”

Naruto stopped. The lash of the rain outside faded, and his breath halved, and his heart started to pound, and his mind blanked as profoundly as a blackout erases light.

Tsunade smoothed a sheet of paper against her desk. She pursed her lips, as though unsure how to phrase her next words. “He needs someone to take care of him. I have a mission statement here. Stamp your fingerprints if you wish to accept and we can start going through the details.”

“Sasuke came back?” said Naruto.

“Yes. He did.”

It was hard to hear Tsunade’s answer. He felt Sakura’s hand grasp his own.

“He showed up a few hours ago, alone, looking a bit distressed but otherwise well.” Tsunade ran her eyes over the paper. “He separated with his Taka teammates on friendly terms. They went to Sound while Sasuke came here, where he has been confined, and will continue to be until I deem fit.” Tsunade looked up. “So,” she said. “What will it be?”

“What do you mean he came back?”

“He came back,” said Tsunade, turning a palm open. “He’s here.”

“In Konoha?”

“Yes.”

“In Konoha.”

Tsunade smiled. “You know, I was so sure you’d be jumping around the room. I thought you’d be happy.” 

“—We are!” Sakura caught herself. Her next words were softer. “It’s so great that he’s back. It’s just—” A look came over her face. 

_We’re too guarded from past disappointments_ , thought Naruto. “Why did he come back?”

“That,” said Tsunade, “he was rather tight-lipped about.” 

“You didn’t ask him?” 

“That’s not what I said,” Tsunade said, firmly. “Getting an answer out of him was like trying to pluck a star out of the night sky. I had to interrogate him. Twice. An experience I hope never to repeat. But I did manage to get enough out of him.” 

_Enough for what?_ But Tsunade drew his attention to the mission statement with a tap of her finger. 

“So? If you want him, you can have him. You can go ask him yourself if you want.” 

Sasuke was back. Each time Naruto thought it, the tingles washed all throughout his body. He felt Sakura staring. His throat was hot.

“Of course—” Sakura tried again. “Of course we’ll take care of him.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Tsunade pushed forward a cushion of ink. “Fingerprints, please.”

Sakura stepped forward. She touched the ink, and her fingertips came away stained a thick red like the color of spilled blood. “There’s no mission rating.”

“That’s correct. This mission is unlisted,” said Tsunade. Sakura pressed her fingers to the paper. Naruto reached for the ink. “You will report directly to me. I’ll have a few ANBU watching over him as well but you’ll be largely responsible for bringing about a successful conclusion by yourselves. Try not to let your neighbours find out they’re living next door to an international criminal. It’s bad for housing value.”

“Neighbors?” said Naruto.

“Yes. You’ll be living with him for the duration of his recovery. I found an apartment not far from the main downtown area. He’s under house arrest, and one of you must be there at all times, but apart from that, you’re free to come and go as you please.”

Naruto looked sharply at Sakura. “We’re living with him.”

When Naruto finished, Tsunade studied the marks. Then she took the paper, waved it in the air to dry it, and snapped closed the lid of the ink cushion. “I thought it a little impertinent to offer compensation should the mission end successfully, but the village will pay all your expenses until that time. Food, electricity, whatever else you need. Don’t go overboard though. And don’t break anything you aren’t willing to fix.”

“What will happen,” said Sakura, “if we… if the mission fails?”

Tsunade took in their faces in turn. Her hard stare and pinched lips, the deliberate rise and fall of a single breath, brought Naruto’s pulse to a crescendo.

“Sasuke,” said Tsunade, “has made some very bad choices in life that have caused him to do some very bad things. He is simultaneously wanted and unwanted everywhere.” Tsunade paused. “You two are the only reason he’s alive right now, and even then it’s only because his death would have gained little and lost too much. My first priority is to the village. I am not doing you a favor. Do you understand?”

Naruto nodded, though he couldn’t fathom it. In another timeline, he might have prostrated himself on the floor in front of Tsunade, fought and begged and bargained for Sasuke’s life, and still lost. A future without Sasuke while he remained. But Tsunade had made it easy.

“I need to talk to Sai now,” said Tsunade. “Then I’ll send a jounin to show you to your new apartment.”

Then that was it.

And Sasuke was home.

Sasuke was _home_ and it was effortless.

\--

_You came back._

Naruto remembered only glimpses of the walk to the apartment. It felt like the whole village had morphed into a different shape. He had caught flashes of a few things, a few seconds when the thoughts in his head outgrew their confines and he had to return to the present. He remembered looking at the brown ponytail of the jounin in front of him, swinging like a metronome, and realising, _You’re not carrying a weapon._ Not one of them spoke a word.

“Nearly there.” The jounin pointed. “See that gray building? That’s where we’re going.”

The path was framed by the short, stone walls of surrounding houses. A few scrawny trees cast spindly shadows on the ground. And beyond that, less than a hundred steps away, was their apartment.

The apartment was six floors of concrete. There was evidence of modernity that his old apartment lacked: here, the roof slats were whole and came to an orderly finish at the edges. Hallways roped around the outside of the building, though rain had stained the area dark under the glass windows.

“How many rooms are there?” said Sai.

“Four,” said the jounin.

“Amenities?”

“One bathroom. No laundry facilities. You’ll have to use the communal laundry on the ground floor.”

“Sounds like a jail.”

“ _Sai,_ ” Naruto hissed. Had Sakura not been between them, he may have compromised Sai’s shoulder with a set of knuckles. “How would you even know?”

“I grew up in a jail.”

“It’s a regular family apartment,” the jounin clarified. “It’s cozy. You’re on the third floor. Faces the coast so you should get a nice breeze. You’ll see.”

The jounin bounced up a short flight of stone steps leading to the entrance. To one side was a small pagoda where a congregation of elderly gentlemen sat, watching their approach. One man tapped the top of his walking stick and leant over to the rest, his mouth moving.

_Try not to let your neighbours find out they’re living next door to an international criminal,_ while a uniformed jounin escorted three prime, solid, anxious-looking youths into the heavy air of the stairwell. Naruto put a hand to the banister’s flaking paint, and ascended.

It was a short walk from the third floor landing, along a corridor, to a nondescript, grey steel door. Reaching into her vest pocket, the jounin retrieved a key and fit it into the lock.

“This is it,” said the jounin. Heartbeats flooded Naruto’s ears. “Welcome home.”

In some fantasy world created of Naruto’s imagination, air crammed inside his lungs as the door opened, and Sasuke was on the other side, and he was tired but alive, and warm, and whole, and real, and there, and he smiled, the kind of smile Naruto had seldom seen, but which never failed to bask the world around them in silence.

The jounin held the door open. There was no Sasuke. Instead there were the tiled cream walls of the kitchen and another jounin leaning against the speckled countertop. 

“Howdy,” said the other jounin. “Excuse the intrusion.”

Naruto stepped inside. He scanned the vicinity. His first impression was that it fit a lot for the size: the kitchen flowed into a living room, and between the two was a sturdy wooden table heaped with grocery bags. The apartment was light and clean and the air smelt like fresh wallpaper and musty wood. Sasuke was nowhere to be seen.

The jounin gave the key to Sakura and pointed down the hallway.

“Uchiha Sasuke-san’s room,” she said, “is that one. Second on the right.”

The hallway was dark. All the doors were closed. Naruto experienced a moment of surreal understanding. It had been a long time since they had been this close in peaceful settings, and though he heard it, still it didn’t feel real: that at any moment he liked, he might open Sasuke’s door, and Sasuke would be there.

The two jounin imparted farewells. The door closed. The mission started. And they were alone.

“So,” said Sakura. “What’s the plan?”

\--

They decided on rooms. Naruto walked to the end of the hallway and turned left.

It was a blown-up version of the miniature bedrooms that very young boys and girls played with: a bed bathed in a sunny yellow duvet, a desk in front of the window, which was curtained by white lace, and a wardrobe more than spacious enough to contain the few clothes he owned.

Naruto dropped his bag on the floor and lay on the bed. He took a deep breath of cool afternoon air, new sheets, and second-hand furniture. Tiny footsteps thudded above, chased by a parent’s muffled scolding. Naruto tapped on the wall: it sounded hollow, like plaster.

Unbidden and magnetic, his gaze fell to the door across the hall. Every tiny sound made his chest spasm. It had remained shut during the fuss, but it had the potential to open at any moment.

Naruto banged on the wall. “I can hear you mastubating, Sai. God, what are you, a dog marking your territory? Show some restraint. You neighbour a gentleman!”

”Dogs urinate to mark territory,” said Sai, standing at the door. Naruto jolted. “Also, TV.”

“TV what?”

“We don’t have one and Sakura said you do. Can you bring it over later?”

“Sure, I can do that.” Naruto complemented his tone with a withering look. “I’ll balance it on my third hand while the first two are busy carting over every single possession I own.”

“Thanks. By the way, have you…” Sai motioned over his shoulder.

“No. Not yet.”

“I thought you’d be all over him.”

“Keep your voice down,” Naruto hissed. “I just want to give him some time, okay?”

“I’m going to go say hi.” Sai pushed off from the doorframe.

Naruto launched from the bed like an arrow shot from a bow. He yanked Sai by the collar, swung him around, and stuffed him back into the bedroom, slamming the door closed.

“What’s wrong with you? You can’t just go and _say hi_ to him.”

Sai wore a perplexed expression, rubbing his neck. “But that’s good manners. He’s a stranger to me. We live together now.”

“I grew up with him. Trust me. I know him and he definitely won’t want anyone going and _saying hi_ to him.”

It pleased Naruto to see Sai digest the information seriously. It was a moment before Sai spoke again. “I’m going to go ask Sakura what she thinks.”

“Bet you she’ll say the same thing,” Naruto called to Sai’s departing back.

\--

It was later in the night when the irresistible aroma of frying pork drew Naruto from his room. Sakura had thrown her hair into a messy ponytail and tied an apron neatly around her waist. At such a display of domesticity—from anyone—Naruto found his voice suddenly vacated.

Sakura spun at the sound of footsteps. Her expression changed, and she gave Naruto a sheepish smile.

“I wanted to make a special meal on our first night,” said Sakura.

“It looks good.” Naruto stared over her shoulder at the sizzling meat alongside onion, mushrooms, and pumpkin. A little noise made him twist around, but it was just Sai. Naruto said, quietly, “Do you really think he’s here?”

“Yes. I really think he’s here.” Sakura spoke with steady confidence. “Just give him some time. He might not be hungry. Or maybe he wants to come out later.” Sakura laughed. “Maybe he’s just as nervous as we are. That’s kind of cute when you think about it, isn’t it?”

Naruto scoffed. He fussed with cutlery, arranging four sets on the table.

The table was laid out with shallow dishes of fresh and cooked vegetables surrounding a large plate of bite-sized sliced meat. Hot out of the frypan, the pork pieces were crispy on the outside and soft in the middle. Bundling it up with rice and salty miso paste in a sesame leaf and inhaling it through his mouth became, for the span of minutes, the peak drive of Naruto’s appetite.

Sai said, “Do you want me to go get him?”

Naruto felt Sakura’s attention settle on him like a too-cool draught. She didn’t speak.

“Just leave him,” said Naruto. “He’ll come out if he’s hungry. And if he doesn’t, it just means there’s more for me.”

“Is that what you want?”

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” said Naruto. “We’re not children anymore. We don’t throw tantrums just because we don’t get what we want.”

“I could really just go and get him,” said Sai, “if you’re too scared or something.”

“Don’t.”

“Or even just check if he’s still here.”

Sai was all of a hundred and twenty pounds, and he was distracted, and one of his hands was occupied with chopsticks. Naruto felt the muscles in his back clench and bunch. Sakura shifted in her chair.

Sai said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if this was just a genjutsu and he was never here at all.”

Sakura placed her hand on Naruto’s arm and applied pressure. “It actually wouldn’t be very funny. Please don’t say things like that.”

Sai considered Sakura’s advice. “I was just trying to lighten the mood.”

“I know.”

“I want to get to know him,” said Sai. “You talked about him so much, I kind of feel like I _do_ know him.”

“We’re all eager to see him,” said Sakura, gently. “Maybe it won’t be today. But we’ll see him eventually. He can’t stay in his room forever.”

Sakura’s grip lightened, and Naruto, who stood, squashed another stick of cucumber in his mouth, thanked Sakura for the food, and announced his intentions to bathe. He wanted to throw the blame for what he felt on Sai, but Naruto knew if he couldn’t take quips like this now, he would never be able to do so in the future. Aggravating though he was, from Sai, it came from a kind heart. Naruto sat in the bathtub, head bowed, as the shower blasted hot water over his neck and shoulders.  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Days 

  


Sakura, while tiptoeing into Naruto’s room the next morning, closed the door as softly as she could and turned on Naruto with eyes as bright as emeralds. “I think Sasuke-kun came out of his room last night.”

Naruto flung his comic book down and sat up in bed. “How do you know?”

“The food I left in the fridge is gone.”

Naruto relaxed and propped his comic book back up. “Oh, that. I ate that.”

“ _What?_ But it had his name on it!”

“Yeah. But it was five in the morning and I was bored and hungry.”

Sakura let out a long sigh. “Well, it’s gone now. No use harping at you about it. Why don’t you hurry up and bring your TV over if you’re so bored?”

“I’ll get it later.”

“Good. Because in the meantime, can we talk about what we’re going to do?”

The question hit Naruto in the chest like a punch meant to disorientate. He stared at the comic book, which he not been following attentively. He searched the panels.

“I’m going to make breakfast,” said Sakura. “Could you take it to him?”

“How about I make him breakfast,” said Naruto, “and you take it to him?”

Sakura didn’t answer. Naruto didn’t look at her.

“It’s not like you to avoid him,” she said.

Naruto gave a funny smile. “ _I’m_ avoiding _him_ , am I?”

The silence stretched out. Sakura stared out the window. “It’s not right. He’s not moving at all. It’s weird. Surely he has to go to the bathroom. How come we’ve never heard him?” Sakura paused. She was not forthcoming with her next words, and even when she did speak, it was prefaced by a short burst of incredulous laughter. “What if it really is a genjutsu?”

“He must have loads of chakra now to make it last this long.”

“Can you please just go in there and check on him?”

“I’m sure he’s fine. Probably. I’d rather just pretend.”

Naruto heard the shuffle of clothes as Sakura crossed her arms and then her tired, fretted exhalation. Just as she was about to speak again, Naruto threw back the covers and jumped out of bed, his face a soldier’s mask, opened the door, and went to Sasuke’s room.

Except he didn’t, and the front door clicked closed.

\--

Naruto reached around the back of the television, feeling for the sockets. He plugged the cords in.

“Still nothing,” said Sai. Naruto pulled the cords out and tried again. “We’ve got a picture now, but it’s all in black and white.”

“It’s a black and white TV.” Naruto came around the front and fiddled with the knobs. The television hissed with static between channels. Settling on a daytime drama, Naruto stood back and put his hands on his hips. “Don’t have to worry about cabin fever now!”

“What’s that?”

“It’s—” Under Sai’s curious gaze, Naruto experienced a total blockage of thought. Sai waited, his expression perfectly serene. Naruto blurted out, “So did Sasuke say anything?”

“No. I just put the tray on his desk and left.”

“But he was there?”

“Yes. He was there.”

Relief saturated his body like sunlight on the first warm day after winter. “You didn’t annoy him, did you? If he runs off again because of your pestering, believe me, you will face the fox and it tear your stupid face off.”

“I only said what you told me to say. _I brought you some food._ Do I pester and annoy people?”

“No,” said Naruto, and it came out sounding more honest than he was expecting.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Days 

  


On the third evening, on the way to his room after showering, Naruto walked a little lighter and stopped outside Sasuke’s room. The door was a warm orange wood with dark whorls and a silver handle. He stared, and held his breath, and leaned in, and listened.

Nothing.

_He could be reading_ , though there was no light under the door, _or sleeping_ , though he heard none of the usual sounds associated with sleep.

_It’s been three days. He must come out sometimes._ And with an odd echo of worry, _How come we’ve never heard him?_

_Just go in there—_ to a swift, choking gasp of his heart.

_What’s he gonna do? Run away again?_

And if he did.

An inconsistency existed between what Naruto imagined and what reality delivered. In his imagination, he had entertained himself with all kinds of idealistic things Team 7 would do once reunited and peaceful and happy. They’d sit around and reminisce about the good days or plot cheeky ways to get under Kakashi’s mask or whinge at each other over some trivial thing that didn’t really matter. He’d talk to Sasuke and Sasuke would ignore him only for so long and everything fall back into place, into what he knew, back into something they once were. 

In that moment, staring at the lines in the wood and the gloss of the varnish, Naruto realised that while he had countless elaborate schemes to get Sasuke back, he had never thought to seriously plan what he was going to do when Sasuke actually came home.

_How long until I get to see you again?—_

A noise made him jump. Sakura opened her door. She motioned him closer with a vigorous flap of her fingers.

”What are you doing?” she whispered, harshly, drawing Naruto into her room and closing the door.

“Talking to you naked in a towel, if that’s what you’re into.”

“I meant—” Exasperated, she gestured at the wall.

“Just checking for signs of life.”

“Did you go in there?” asked Sakura. Naruto shook his head. “You should go in there.”

“No.”

“Why not?” Sakura drew out the final vowel.

“Because,” he said, and wandered to Sakura’s window. A vertical drop plunged his gaze through the steel security bars into a border of evergreen trees and shrubs, and in front of that was a row of old bicycles of various sizes, and two children feeding a stray cat. “I don’t want to piss him off. Have you heard of the thing that’s like, when you go to a new place, everything is all cool and interesting for the first little bit. Then you stay for a while and it’s not as great as you thought, and you hike it on the first road out of there?”

“Pretty sure if Sasuke just came back on his own, then he knows what you’re like.”

Naruto looked back, smiling. “What am I like?”

“Charming,” said Sakura, who told the truth with the shape of her mouth. “Look, this isn’t working. We can’t just do nothing. If he won’t come out and see us, we’ll just have to go in and see him.”

“Lead the way.”

“You’re his best friend,” said Sakura. “But anyone looking at us would think it was Sai. Don’t you miss him?” There was silence. Naruto returned Sakura’s stare steadily. “He’s not going to run away. I don’t think he cares that much.”

“Yeah, he probably doesn’t care, hey.”

“That’s not what I meant.” Sakura set her jaw. “If I had known you would be so stubborn about this…”

Sakura approached, and Naruto watched a gentle hand reach out and grasp the hem of his towel. Naruto swooped onto the knot that held the towel to his hips. “What are you doing?”

“Giving you some motivation.”

An unexpected blush inflamed Naruto’s cheeks. “What kind of motivation?”

“The sooner you get out of here, the sooner you get in there. I’ll grill some fish. You get dressed.”

Sakura, alarmingly, gave the towel an experimental tug, and Naruto jittered like he stood on hot coals. Her second tug was markedly more forceful.

Naruto hollered, “Do you think I’m joking? I’m really not wearing anything underneath!”

“Then get out!” cried Sakura.

And Naruto did. In the gap before his door closed, he heard Sakura’s final threat. “And just so you know, I can pick a lock.” 

\--

There were fifteen—fourteen—definitely fifteen sesame seeds floating on the surface of Sasuke’s soup. Naruto counted them, thought about how delicious the fish next to it looked and how fluffy the rice had turned out. He didn’t like barley tea but maybe Sasuke did and as long as he concentrated on the meal just long enough to distract him, he had the strength and the blindness to open the door.

Sasuke wasn’t facing him and that had to be a good thing.

“Hey. Food’s here.”

_Don’t get up—_

_How can you just return so suddenly?_

_I will give you the kick in the face you deserve if you get up._

“Just so you know, we’re all in bed by midnight. Don’t hold that shit in. Not good for your bowels.”

And exited. He didn’t even hate that those were the first words he’d spoken to Sasuke in peaceful settings since their time as genin.

\--

The realisation wasn’t nice, that Sasuke had changed and they were the ones who still had to adjust. After five years of broken promises and bitter detachment and all things unspoken, Sasuke just wasn’t the same. They wanted to remember Sasuke as he had been before he had run away, often broody, sometimes smiling, always there with them. What they got—was silence.

Arguments had once patch-filled the gaps well enough to hold them together. Somehow in the all too short a time their team had been complete, they hadn’t learned how to be comfortable together in silence. Naruto would hit on Sakura, Sakura would fangirl over Sasuke, and Sasuke didn’t say much but when he did, he was mean. Naruto would announce his dreams to become Hokage _all the time_ , Sakura would squeal cheers for their successes, and Sasuke would grunt as he carved holes through enemies. Through friends.

In silence, they were lost. Sasuke was back and he wasn’t the same.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Week 

  


Sai handed in the first of the weekly reports. There had been no change in Sasuke’s condition.

\--

When Naruto had first moved in—when he started living with other people for the first time—sometimes his predictions came true and sometimes good things just happened. He had predicted it would take just one person to turn the apartment messy. Neither Sakura nor Sai had said anything to him yet but Naruto noticed the long stares given to the growing patches of dirtiness and he wasn’t going to be the first to suggest a cleaning roster.

On the first night and every night since, Naruto could surround himself in the company of people who had not been there to share a meal with him when he was young. Dinnertime was real. It felt the way _coming home_ was supposed to feel, standing beside Sakura who gave him playful glares whenever he tried to tell her exactly the way to cook ramen, chopping vegetables and splashing hot liquid onto his hands when he didn’t add them to the broth carefully enough, and sitting down with two other living, breathing human beings and burning his tongue on noodles he was too impatient to blow on. 

Sakura took Sasuke’s food to him this time. She wasn’t going to be left behind.

“You know, I feel kind of weird saying this but Sasuke-kun’s gotten so hot!” 

Naruto coughed his noodles back up and then ate them again. Sakura laughed at the curious-then-disgusted face Sai made watching one of the many unpleasant scenes she’d grown up with. 

“It’s probably not appropriate to say but whatever—I kind of can’t wait ‘til he’s better, you know? So I can go out with him and watch all the other girls gawk. Be _so_ funny!”

After peeling off the paperback romance, Naruto noticed she talked about Sasuke getting better like it was a given. People got sick and then they got better. “These noodles taste really good.”

“Naruto, come _on_. Our situation’s not going to be changing any time soon, you know. I want—I _need_ to talk about this. With you guys.”

Naruto didn’t like her unguarded affect and the small smile that didn’t reach her eyes. Her words were going to cut.

“You can still like Sasuke-kun even if you think he did the wrong thing.”

Naruto stared back at Sai when Sakura reached out and held his hand, daring him to remark on it. Sai said nothing, offered no distraction, kept eating and Naruto sighed when he was forced to fill the silence. “I want to punch him in the mouth, just like back at the Valley of the End. And he _still_ didn’t get it. You should have seen his eyes boggle!”

“Don’t,” she warned and Naruto scoffed and said he was only joking. “If he wants to leave, he’ll leave whether we or a hundred other ANBU are here or not.”

“Yeah, I know…”

But he didn’t really and nor did Sakura, not completely. They didn’t really know what it would mean for them if Sasuke ran away _again_ because neither of them wanted to think about it. So they didn’t, didn’t think about failing again where they should have succeeded. Sakura asked him too quietly— _“are you sad?”_ —and Naruto said he would rather have Sasuke with them and miserable than missing like before—that part he knew. Sakura still stared at him with those faraway eyes.

“I haven’t cried yet either,” she said. Naruto’s jaw tensed hearing the words. “Let’s cut up a bag of onions tomorrow and bawl ourselves a flood, hey?”

“I’ve heard it’s more effective if you breathe through your nose,” Sai offered helpfully and Sakura thanked him for the unsolicited advice. Naruto might have cracked the start of a real smile.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Week, Four Days 

  


He couldn’t always heighten his senses to the broad space inside their apartment but it was true that some nights Naruto woke to footsteps that led to and from Sasuke’s room. He couldn’t sleep until he heard the feet return and the sweat crawled all over his neck when he thought the interval was too long.

\--

Sakura was able to think once the initial rush of anxiety had settled. She didn’t ignore Sasuke’s refusal to move but she could clear her head just enough to allow the sensible thoughts to rise—the ones that let her plan what they were supposed to do. Separated as they were, Sasuke would not heal. She pulled Naruto into her room unwillingly but—that he had allowed her to lead him at all was a good sign. She sat on the ground cross-legged and tried to look cute with pillows heaped into a cotton hug. All Naruto saw her holding was an emotional guard.

“Sasuke-kun’s going to be okay, you know,” she said, and then decided to try a different tactic when Naruto looked at her sceptically. “I mean, don’t go hauling this around all by yourself—hey I’ve seen you these past couple of days and you look like a bunshin—”

“What are you saying about my bunshin?”

“You’ve got to remember that Sasuke-kun’s back, _oh my god_ , he’s back. Okay? We already did our mental torture thing when he left and we didn’t know where he was or what he was doing.”

“But we _still_ don’t know what he did.” Naruto was sitting on her bed, using her small desk fan to blow his hair in all manner of distracting directions around his face. “All he did was get more stamina and chakra and grow too tall and never cut his hair and change his clothes a hundred times—and each one of them _sucked_ too.”

“Naruto.”

“What?”

“We do know some things.” Sakura sighed and tried to catch Naruto’s evasive gaze. “We know that hurting and having him back is so much better than hurting and not having him back. No listen, Naruto,” holding his attention with her smile. “Sasuke-kun’s not missing anymore. We know where he is—he’s down the hall and in his bedroom. And that’s a _really_ good thing.” 

But Naruto still looked unsure. It was hard to convince him when she didn’t quite believe her own words.

_I know. Really good was when we first found out he was back in Konoha._

_Now it just kind of stings._

“Don’t ask for too much too soon. Give him some time to get over stuff and realize what an idiot he’s being when he’s got awesome friends like us waiting for him. How does that sound?”

“Hm. Okay I guess,” he sighed, relenting. “How long do you reckon that’s going to take?”

“Dunno. Probably about three or four months—”

“Four _months?_ ”

“But it’s Sasuke-kun, you know, so give it around eight—”

“ _What_ —you’ve got to be _joking_ me.” Naruto slumped back on the bed and breathed out like a growl. “That’s like a whole ‘nother year!”

Sakura said nothing of Naruto’s wayward calculations when it was more important he knew of her plan. While she didn’t know Sasuke’s exact ailments, didn’t know what it was in Sasuke’s mind that kept him in his bed behind closed doors when the Sasuke she remembered never stopped training and fighting and wanting to surpass _everyone_ —

“Do you think—maybe Sasuke-kun’s back because he’s _tired?_ Does that sound silly?”

Naruto was busy now picking his teeth with dirty fingernails and Sakura decided he was making every effort not to listen again. Maybe, she hoped, _maybe_ the reason Sasuke was still there in Konoha was because he had realized how little he had gained and how much he had lost by running away. But—the equation felt unbalanced: Sasuke was tired, therefore he returned to Konoha? Did it matter? He was back—and she so much wanted to know why.

If she just gave Sasuke time to sort out some of the things plaguing his mind and kept Naruto from doing more harm than good with his pestering, maybe he would get up and get better and go out with them. To festivals, to the mountains, to the valleys for a swim—wherever. Then once he seemed okay, once he had settled into some kind of routine that made him feel normal, maybe then she could start asking the harder questions. Maybe even Naruto could say just the right thing that would turn Sasuke’s eyes clear enough to see the real issues. Little at a time, for now. Until eight months was up and they could see how far they’d come.

\--

When Sakura and Sai retired to their bedrooms for the night, Naruto stayed up with the television volume down low. No one believed him when he said he was interested in the show and he didn’t know for how long afterwards he remained there. The breeze through the window was still chilly and he sat with toes going quietly cold, a flickering TV and thoughts elsewhere.

_Sakura-chan’s the only other one who’d understand. I feel kind of sorry for Sai._

Like Sakura and unlike Sai, when he thought about the time during which Sasuke had been away, the whole time they had looked for him and his eventual, surprising return, his heart beat unbearably tight. The memories were hard to keep. For five years they had chased Sasuke just out of reach, always a step ahead and sending back disappointments and false hope in his wake. For Naruto and Sakura who could only watch him from afar, it was a helpless, quiet feeling only the two of them could understand.

Naruto didn’t mean to fall asleep but when he opened his eyes to the sound of the television shutting off, Sasuke stared back at him.

\--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. two

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# two

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Week, Five Days 

  


“I was watching that,” Naruto said and immediately he wanted to suck those words back into that annoying orifice on his face.

Sasuke was dark. Not just because of the lack of light, not entirely due to anything psychological. Like tinted glass and staircase shadows. Natural darkness. Dark hair, dark eyes, dark robe, dark towel—Naruto focused on the latter and watched as Sasuke turned from him and went into the bathroom without a response.

_He smells so bad right now. Wonder when he’ll change his sheets… wonder when I’ll change mine._

_Wonder what I’m going to do when he comes back._

Naruto had to think of something to say. Not just any something— _the_ something. The something that would get Sasuke to give a damn or show some indication that he would stay or leave or live. Something witty, some smooth line that would make a joke of the time spent apart so Sasuke would stop ignoring him and punch him in the gut. Or then—something profound, because Naruto was so skilled at being profound. _Something_ that meant he wouldn’t have to stare out the window just in case Sasuke came back and all he could do was gape.

Anxiety was making Naruto’s hands sweat, rubbing them along his pants. He hated his body’s reaction: all he had done was _see_ Sasuke. He considered turning the television back on and letting it smoke over his awareness just enough to hear the water shut off and bolt out the door.

Naruto threw his hands into his hair long before the doors at the bottom of the stairwell opened to the outside still of the nighttime world.

_Yes, brain. Yes, I know this is silly so let’s just skip to the part where you make me up another fantastic excuse for being out here so late. Fresh air? I’ll take it._

\--

When Sakura asked him to accompany her while she handed in her report to Tsunade, Naruto followed her and smiled the whole time. Outside was nice. It was sunny. He liked the breeze. He liked that it wasn’t home, that he had a real excuse this time to avoid the problems and let them fix themselves.

Afterwards while she fussed around the jewellery stalls at the market, he had time to think. Naruto knew Sakura had a right to know about Sasuke’s progress. He just didn’t know if then was the right time to tell her, when she looked to be enjoying herself so much and when he didn’t know if his pride could get the words out knowing how fast he had run away to avoid confrontation. She turned around and smiled at him again.

“I saw Sasuke last night.”

—and the confession rushed out so quickly, it surprised them both.

“Last night, really? Well—what did he look like? Was he okay?”

“Yeah, I guess. Kind of… you know like bed-hair in the morning? I guess he forgot to put his pretty on.”

Sakura whined. She didn’t care what he _physically_ looked like if Naruto wouldn’t speak of Sasuke’s appearance in terms she could appreciate. She wanted to know how those looks translated his emotional state and Naruto was even less equipped to handle that.

“What? How would I know? He just looked like he always did, ‘cept like, taller and scruffier and all that stuff.”

“You’re not getting it! Like… did he say anything? No? Then did he look at you?” Sakura lunged at the nod Naruto gave. “Okay good, so how did he look at you?”

“God, I don’t know! With tender-loving care? He barely even looked at me in Sound, remember, so how do you think he’s always looked at me? If you want to know all this stuff, why don’t you just ask him yourself?”

Sakura couldn’t believe Naruto’s emotional ignorance. For someone who was so sensitive in every other aspect of his life, Naruto was completely blind to the damage such words would have caused. She threatened him, told him explicitly and forcefully— _”do not ask Sasuke-kun how he feels”_ —and maybe it was something she could call relief when Naruto assured her the thought had never even entered his mind.

“I’m hungry.”

“You’re always hungry.”

“Want to get something for Sasuke too?”

Sakura looked up at Naruto and knew _that_ was exactly the reason she put up with the stupid lunk. While she wasn’t sure if he really did find it impossible to understand and discuss these particular _feelings_ or if it was just his way of cleverly evading the topic, she _knew_ , in that one sentence—that tiny cluster of otherwise meaningless, ambiguous sounds in her ears—he said more about his concern for Sasuke than he might ever have had the guts to say aloud. And that was okay, because she could _see_ it even if she couldn’t hear it.

“Can you buy it?”

_Oh Naruto, I hate that I love you._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Weeks, Two Days 

  


One thought stuck in Naruto’s mind, maybe not the most important one but one that meant they could have fun for once.

To solve it he had to dig deep into his prankster ways. He smiled, devious, told Sakura and Sai of his plan—his _mission_ —in a way that made them excited and willing enough to participate. Whatever reserve Naruto had felt disappeared as soon as Sakura giggled, maybe the first time he had heard her really do so since they had moved in, and that made it all worthwhile.

So when he screeched their nominated codeword into her room in the early hours of the morning, Sakura refrained from flicking a kunai between his eyes and instead gathered her tools for warfare.

“Okay men… and a lady.” Naruto winked at her in his stupid, flirty way.

“I don’t think this is going to work—”

“Have a little faith, would you, Sai?”

“Shh!” Sakura clapped a hand over Naruto’s mouth and reminded them of the precious little time they had. “Stop fighting and let’s get in there! Are we ready?”

They busted down Sasuke’s door while he was in the shower with Sai producing sheets, pillowcases and a new bedspread, Sakura brandishing a wastepaper basket and a damp cloth, and Naruto wielding the neck of a single vacuum cleaner. They dived on their respective tasks but like so many of Naruto’s plans, they only knew of the flaws in the project when they were in too deep to retreat and redesign.

“Naruto, you’re going to run over my feet!”

“Nyaaa~haha!”

Sakura was divided between concentrating on her own responsibilities and making sure Naruto didn’t forfeit their security deposit. Sai found it was easier if he climbed onto the bed and worked from there.

“Sai, how’s it going? Got the sheets off?” Naruto asked.

“Yup, and new pillowcases are on.”

“Fantastic! Give me the old ones and I’ll chuck them outside. Sakura-chan, move Sasuke’s chair somewhere so I can vacuum underneath and then bundle up his clothes to wash.”

“Got it!”

They cleaned Sasuke’s room all over. That had been Naruto’s one thought, knowing from experience that the linen would be able to stand a few weeks without changing but the clothes that hadn’t been washed even once were well beyond expiry. Sakura and Sai collected everything that needed to be taken to the laundry while Naruto performed a final inspection, then yanked the cord to the vacuum cleaner out of the wall and bounded out the door and out of their minds, cackling the whole way down the stairs to the communal laundry. Nothing was sorted according to colour or constitution and they forgot the fabric softener and Sai smiled warmly enough that it might have been real.

Sakura died against the appliance once the lid was shut and caught the last of her breath. Naruto slumped at her feet, still grinning.

“Is this something that friends do?” Sai asked, watching them wipe the tears from their eyes.

“You mean steal all their shit? I hope not!” Naruto laughed.

“Only for really special friends,” Sakura concluded.

\--

Only it was a very flawed mission.

The giddiness left Naruto too drunk on adrenaline and good memories to sleep. It had been worth every second, not just to clean Sasuke’s room but to do something that wasn’t heavy and lacklustre—something that actually made all of them _smile_ even if they never got a thank-you out of the receiver. Naruto stared at the ceiling with the calmness of replays in his head and maybe in hindsight he should have expected—

“— _fuck!_ ”—lungs ready to assassinate his heart when the door to his room snapped open with a crack so hard the windows rattled louder than his voice—and when he saw Sasuke after the blinding stars disappeared, suddenly it wasn’t a good idea to provoke a fight.

Sasuke’s mouth was a hard and bitter line but he didn’t speak. He stared and that was enough.

Naruto felt the panic closed around his throat. Sasuke was _staring_ at him, more murder in his face than anger and Naruto didn’t know—why he would be so infuriated by _cleaning_ —unless he was hiding something in his room they didn’t know about and he didn’t want them to find—

“We didn’t touch anything—”

“ _Shut up!_ ” 

Sasuke was seething through his teeth, controlled breaths that made the rest of him shake. Naruto noticed his hair and skin were still damp from the shower water and it made him glisten to match the fury in his eyes.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t touch _shit_ because all my clothes are gone. Now what the fuck did you do with them?”

“They’re in the washing machine—”

“Is that some kind of _joke?_ ”

“What? No—why would—” Sasuke wasn’t any less furious and Naruto couldn’t be as angry as he wanted to be, hearing Sasuke’s voice after so long. “Hey, we were just trying to do you a favor—”

“A _favour?_ ” Sasuke spat with a laugh that chilled the room. “Don’t insult me. I’m an _Uchiha_ and you’re _nothing_ —you are the _last_ person I would ever want a favor from. I shouldn’t even have to say this but if I find out you’ve been in my room again—then I’ll just have to kill you in your sleep.”

Sasuke’s superiority complex made Naruto want to scream. It wasn’t even about him or them or what they did—in Sasuke’s mind, he was the center that the entire universe pivoted around. It had been the most enjoyment anyone had dared to make in the apartment and Sasuke had to— _why do you even **care** that much about **clothes**?_ —and if _washing_ were going to drive Sasuke to desertion and it had been Naruto’s fault _again_ —

_I hate you. I don’t hate you. I hate what I let you do to me._

Naruto knew deep down that he still cared but at that moment it was hard to remember why. All he could do at that moment was keep his tongue behind the grid of his teeth, to keep the frustration from cracking and trickling out when Sasuke lowered his voice, demanding his clothes. They were still washing and he’d have to wait until morning when they hung them out to dry. Sasuke levelled his glare at him and Naruto— _what, fucker, **what**? are you checking my sincerity?_ —heard the slam of Sasuke’s door when he wasn’t able to save him.

Naruto still couldn’t sleep and it wasn’t a good feeling this time.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Weeks, Three Days 

  


Sakura came to him the morning and told him she had heard the argument. Every word. It was hard _not_ to in a small space between thin walls. Naruto pretended the film on television was extremely engaging— _“shh, I can’t rewind this, you know”_ —so he didn’t have to commit to a deep conversation and Sakura let him get out of it. Being attacked by one’s best friend must have been hard, to say so little. It wasn’t something one grew accustomed to or ever wanted to be. Naruto couldn’t say it wasn’t comforting to have Sakura lean against his shoulder for a while and his face crumbled when he knew he hadn’t seen the last of it by far.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Weeks, One Day 

  


Naruto was allowed to leave the house to hand his report in and he knew Tsunade was trying to read the lines on his face while she questioned him. Her scrutiny itched and prickled over his skin and evading her gaze wasn’t a perfect strategy but—he didn’t want to see her eyes shine if she saw something. Everything else he kept secret was likely to tumble out along with it and he wouldn’t show weakness in front of her. She was counting on them to make Sasuke better—counting on _him_ most of all.

“Has Uchiha said anything yet?”

Naruto considered what would happen if he said yes. Tsunade would want to know what he had said, what Sasuke had said, how it had come about. Naruto didn’t want to relive it, so he said no. No. No, Sasuke hadn’t said anything yet.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Weeks, Two Days 

  


The first time Naruto sought Sakura out, she welcomed him with wide open arms. He lay beside her on her bed and the few words he spoke painted a picture clear enough to see all the fears inside: _“why does Sasuke stay here?”_ he kept asking and Sakura didn’t know how to respond. It was a good question. What _was_ Sasuke staying for? The only difference between Konoha and elsewhere was the very tangible fact of their existence. Elsewhere there was no Sakura, there was no Naruto. But she couldn’t say that. That was hope waiting to be slaughtered.

“I think I was disillusioned,” Naruto breathed. “I think I thought he’d come back and we’d just pick up where we left off.”

_Oh Sasuke-kun, if you could only see us now._

It didn’t matter what words she said exactly—what mattered was that she restored Naruto’s faith. Told him anything, told him he was stronger than Sasuke, physically and mentally, told him Sasuke needed them, needed _him_ , that it would be okay in the end, he’d see. But he couldn’t give up— _please don’t give up on Sasuke-kun_ —they had defended Sasuke from too much to give up now. The villagers didn’t know Sasuke like they did. They never saw anything beyond a child prodigy with a polluted history. They weren’t there when he learned to walk up trees with chakra shoes, never saw the determination in his eyes when Naruto issued a trivial challenge. They never saw him take a hit with them. Bleed with them. Fear and cry and laugh with them. No one else knew _shit_ and they never would.

No one else knew Sasuke before he went crooked. They were the only ones left.

_Please don’t give up on him._

“He hates me, doesn’t he. Or maybe he doesn’t feel anything at all. I don’t mind if he hates me but what do I do if he feels _nothing?_ ”

And all she could do was hold his hand.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month 

  


“You think a dinner party’s a good idea?”

Naruto thought their one-month anniversary survived in the apartment was something worth celebrating. A trawl of the markets for inspiration rendered him sweet sunlight on his skin and Shikamaru’s good company.

“Hmm… maybe. Unless you’re cooking. And I don’t want to have to clean the dishes up afterwards if it’s one of _those_ dinner parties.” Naruto slapped him on the back and thanked him for putting the idea in his head. “Anyway, I’m busy tonight—”

“Oh, bullshit!”

“Nah, I am. Playing shougi with my father. You should’ve told me about this earlier.”

“That’s it? Just cancel!”

“I can’t cancel just for your party.”

“Co~p ou~t.” Naruto teased in a sing-song voice that didn’t make Shikamaru anymore open to the idea. Naruto punched him in the arm lightly and tolerated the glare in return with a smile. “Where’re you going?”

“Meeting up with Chouji and Ino.”

Naruto sniffed, feigning rejection. “Oh I get it. Team 10 only.”

“Yeah, because unlike your team, mine stayed together.”

“—That’s cold!” coughing out a startled laugh. “Hey, I’ll have you know Team 7’s back together now!”

“Mm?” Shikamaru returned with an equally bland look. “I heard about Sasuke from the Hokage, maybe even before you found out. How’s that going?”

“Awesome! And by awesome, I mean it’s a disaster,” Naruto said, laughing it off. Shikamaru smiled a little imagining as much. “But whatever, he was always a bit of an asshole so I don’t know why he would’ve changed now.”

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

“Well make sure you talk to Sakura when you screw it all up.”

“ _Huh—?_ ”

“You think I’m joking but I’m not.” Shikamaru stopped on the corner of a street where he had organized to meet with his other two teammates. He looked at Naruto seriously and tried to phrase his caution in a way that would make Naruto understand the severity of his situation. “He’s been gone a long time—no, I know you know that but what I mean is like—just be careful. We don’t even know why he’s back. I’m really surprised the Hokage didn’t lock him straight in jail. Either he knows exactly what to say to make a lie sound believable or he had a _really_ good reason for returning. Which do you think is more likely?”

As Shikamaru expected, neither Naruto nor his optimism were willing to believe the former.

“I’m just glad it’s you and not me. Hey, there’s Ino over there—Ino!”

Naruto caught sight of her shining blonde hair first, flicking like ribbons behind her. She looked surprised to see him there but as soon as she realised Naruto was a direct source of gossip, she delighted in his presence. Naruto started awkwardly when she looked too pleased to see him intruding on their meeting.

“Hey Naruto. Long time, no see. So you’re going to join us? Chouji’s already inside. Didn’t he tell you? He’s saving us a table.”

Shikamaru turned to look in through the window, seeing no one he recognized. “Oh really? I wonder why I didn’t see him in there then.”

“Naruto, you’re really welcome to join us!”

“Who’s paying?”

“You are of course,” Ino smiled playfully and tagged along close beside Naruto as they walked inside. The barbeque house was busy with the lunchtime rush and the smell of freshly cooked meat pushed Naruto towards a table at the back. Chouji grinned broadly when he noticed the addition to their party. Naruto sat down beside Shikamaru with Ino facing him, eyes too bright and curious and her posture too forward in the booth to hide her true intentions. Naruto couldn’t argue with the dark and satisfied feeling inside, having the undivided attention of an attractive girl.

Ino turned her viciously saccharine eyes to Chouji. “You heard that Sasuke-kun’s back, right?”

“Y—”

“Isn’t it great! He was gone for so long. Do you think I could come over and visit afterwards? Sakura’s too afraid to invite me over. I bet she wants to hog Sasuke-kun all to herself.”

Naruto laughed awkwardly. “I don’t know—”

“You don’t know? Oh, come o~n. I missed him too!”

_If **I** can’t even see Sasuke, how are **you** supposed to?_

“Besides, Sakura said he’s super hot now.”

“ _Super_ hot, is he?” Shikamaru remarked dryly. Ino ignored the teasing in his tone.

“Please, Naruto? I’ll like—bake you cookies or something, I don’t know. Boys like it when girls bake cookies for them, don’t they? Oh I know! I’ll make you ramen—”

“Sasuke won’t come out of his room,” Naruto admitted, tinged with embarrassment. “Or he does but never when we’re awake. I don’t think it’s anything like you’re imagining. It’s pretty boring most of the time.”

Ino seemed surprised. Apparently Sakura hadn’t told her everything, which then surprised Naruto. He had this image of girls perpetuated by every bit of media ever who were supposed to share all their secrets—which made him wonder, if Sakura would keep something like that from her closest girl friend, what other secrets she was hiding and what reasons she had for not disclosing everything she thought and felt. Even if Sakura didn’t confess everything to Naruto, he would have thought her next confidante was Ino. It was strange that she wasn’t practicing her demands, especially given how forcefully Sakura had hounded Naruto when he didn’t want to talk.

“I was going to have a party actually but Shikamaru’s talked me out of it. I don’t know what I’m going to do with all the alcohol Kakashi-sensei bought me now.”

“Oh! A party? Just have it anyway. You never know, Sasuke-kun might loosen up with a can of beer or something—”

_No way. Drunk Sasuke is never going to happen. He has to be in control of everything, even us—_

“—or maybe not, and maybe that’s a good thing. I’m pretty sure at least half the appeal is because he’s so silent and mysterious. Girls secretly love that stuff, you know, even if they say they don’t. No wonder none of you three have girlfriends yet.”

“Can we order yet?” 

“Chouji! God, I was talking, you know.”

“No one cares, Ino, and besides, I don’t think you’re one to give advice anyway since you don’t have a boyfriend either.”

“I’m just leaving my options open!”

“Rivals again,” Shikamaru muttered, directing the comment at Naruto. “Sakura and Ino.”

“I don’t think they ever stopped,” Naruto agreed, raising his hand to beckon one of the staff to the table to fuss over the order they hadn’t started deciding on. Shikamaru and Chouji seemed to know the restaurant and were confident in their selection.

“Urgh, there goes my diet.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about dieting when you’re a ninja, you know.”

Ino glared at Shikamaru, always infuriatingly right when she didn’t want to hear it.

Shikamaru was usually right about a lot of things.

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. three

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# three

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


\--

For not the first time, Naruto honestly wondered how Sai’s muscles could withstand a whole day of that charming smile or whether that was just his natural resting face, too happy to hold the door open for Naruto after he had kicked out a knock when his hands were full of bottles.

“You’ll never guess what I saw today.” Sai was excited.

“Well, don’t hold back. I literally cannot contain my curiosity.”

“I saw love.”

Naruto had predicted ridiculousness but this was excessive. “Um. _What?_ ”

“It looked like in the pictures. The guy’s got the girl against the wall—”

“Please don’t talk about porn in the _doorway_ —”

“If porn is what Jiraiya-sama wrote, then this isn’t porn,” Sai said. Naruto’s eyes narrowed suspiciously then, waiting for Sai to continue while he heaved the alcohol onto a bench. “I meant the guy has his hands on the wall and the girl can’t get away. And they’re close. Maybe kissing, I couldn’t tell.”

“Where’s this love book? I need to see this.”

“It wasn’t in a book.”

“Huh? I thought you just said—”

“I mean I _originally_ saw it in a book and the author called it love, and now I’ve seen it here but Sakura was—”

“ _What?_ ” Sai’s unmovable smile made it hard for Naruto to gauge how horrified he should have been. “Sakura-chan? Then who was the guy—not _Sasuke_ , was it?”

“Yeah, it was, but my point is—are they in love? Lots of girls in Jiraiya-sama’s books cry when they’re in love.”

“—She was _crying_ , too?”

Naruto was dismissed. He made straight for Sakura’s room.

But Sakura’s door was closed. Naruto couldn’t open it when he tried to turn the knob and that was strange because she never locked herself inside. Needle-pricks at his neck—she wasn’t answering when he called her name and Sai was certain she hadn’t left the apartment. Naruto’s suspicion was starting to look a lot more like panic.

“Are you even in there? I’m a goddamn ninja, you know. I’ll just pick the lock if you don’t come out.”

The door opened. Sakura tucked a wisp of hair behind her ear and yawned, and Naruto’s tentative worry burst apart on impact.

“Sorry. I was just having a nap. You’re so loud, Naruto.”

Naruto ducked his head when she kept hers telltalingly down and it was more than enough proof for him when she turned away that she had _not_ been sleeping at all.

“If you want to lie to me, you should at least make sure your eyes aren’t still red.”

Sakura flinched but she couldn’t get anything past her choked-up throat. Naruto didn’t know what to say when typical soothing words weren’t working. He stood quiet and awkward in front of her and it wasn’t a good look when she fanned her face with her hands, smiling sillily and pretending it wasn’t as bad as it looked.

“It’s nothing, really. I was just shocked, you know? Because Sasuke-kun hasn’t talked to me since… well, since we were genin, at least not close like that.”

“So what happened?”

She hummed and fidgeted when she couldn’t will her face to remain unaffected.

“Sai said he had you cornered against a wall.”

“And he had a hand around her neck—”

Naruto barked out some obscenity lost over the crackle of his heart. Sasuke had always been open about his dislike of Naruto and Naruto usually shit-stirred Sasuke enough that one hit blended in with the rest but—Sasuke had always been careful around Sakura. Naruto felt the heat creep into his face, the tangy taste of the fox’s chakra in his mouth and itchiness in his fingers. It was one thing to hurt _him_ , because apart from Naruto being able to take it, he probably _deserved_ it; it was a new low when Sakura—who’d never done _anything_ wrong—was a target.

“Sai! I told you not to—”

“Fuck that bastard—”

“No Naruto, please don’t—” but she was weightless; if his shirt were not caught up in it, he would never have known she was pulling at him to stay. “Please, _please_. Sai has it all wrong, please—it wasn’t to choke me, it was just to hold me there—just let me explain first—Naruto!”

Her voice sounded muddled, like he was hearing her underwater, and Naruto didn’t have the patience to listen closely enough to make out the words. There was only the door and the burnt smell of the fox’s chakra bleeding out his pores when he imagined the worst of the details he knew. Sasuke had tried to kill him once with a hole through his chest but Naruto was different. Naruto was special in a way that Sakura was not.

 _You are one fucking piece of work. Why did you even come back if you’re just going to do this?_

 _If you want to toy with someone, make it me but **don’t** get Sakura-chan involved in your stupid games._

Sasuke’s threat echoed in his mind and Naruto decided that he didn’t give a shit if he stayed out of Sasuke’s room or not. Sasuke should have known it was another breath wasted.

The hand that slipped from the sheets and sparked with chidori cut in first. Naruto felt robbed of the first hit. He had so many things to scream but although he couldn’t see Sasuke’s face, he knew this was a warning: _fuck with me and I’ll put this through your spine._ Naruto should have been glad he hesitated.

It might have been only a few seconds from start to finish. ANBU swarmed the room and killed the electricity but Naruto knew, somewhere in his real consciousness that was flickering in and out, that Sasuke had let them. Sasuke was just too cunning now. He would have known they were there. He just wanted Naruto to remember what he was capable of and Naruto didn’t need another reminder. Then the masked guards turned to him and Naruto realised his breath was wild and deep to match the monster inside and it was an effort to force the invasive chakra back behind the bars of its inner prison. He breathed, and then calmed, and it was over.

Sai only saw the exchange between Sasuke and Sakura in its final movements and Sakura would only tell him what was strictly non-committal and diplomatic. In other words, fuck all.

Naruto didn’t care how it happened anymore. He just wanted to know what Sasuke had said to scare her so badly.

\--

With Sakura having shut herself in her room again and Sai reading in his own, Naruto thought it would be okay to push the boundaries just a little further. Sasuke’s door was open and he was still knocked out from whatever the ANBU had done to him. Naruto didn’t know when he was supposed to wake from it and it was a bad risk to take knowing so little but bad risks had always been Naruto’s unfortunate forte. He entered the room on silent footsteps. Sasuke was dead to the world.

 _Long time, no see._

Naruto already knew why he shouldn’t have been in there. Sasuke could have been faking it. He could have woken at any moment. Naruto wouldn’t have been expecting it and Sasuke could have done some real damage this time. Naruto shouldn’t have _wanted_ to be so close. It was only that— _I don’t really care_ —it had been a long, long time. A long time since they had been that close out of combat. And most of all, worst of all, this wanting to be near Sasuke where the world was natural amidst the chaos confirmed for Naruto that Sasuke was still different in a way no one else seemed to be. He had known it anyway but—now it would just be harder to lie about.

Naruto knew that he shouldn’t have been sitting so close to Sasuke. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have. But in the calm of the room with one of two participants incapacitated, he thought it’d be okay. If it was just this once—this once when he had no idea when or if he’d ever have another _once_ again, he thought it’d be okay. It was okay.

While Sasuke wasn’t conscious, Naruto saw the peace in his face that he was supposed to bring back. Naruto knew what those hands had done, could do, because he knew Sasuke but—someone with a face like that, quiet for once and smoothed of its normal guard—someone with a face like that made it hard to believe it had witnessed the massacre of a family, that it had been corrupted by the pursuit of power, that it had said more than enough bad words and touched violent hands against another.

Naruto frowned. It had been a long time. Sasuke had lost his childish youth in place of more mature angles and shadows. He waved his hand over Sasuke’s face and watched for blinks.

Maybe Sasuke really _was_ knocked out cold. Naruto poked Sasuke’s face once, drilled his forehead with his finger once, squeezed his cheeks together to give him a fish-face once. Sasuke was out but he wasn’t cold.

 _I’ll save you. I’ll bring you home._

On his way out, Naruto stole or borrowed— _I don’t want to know which one_ —a day-old shirt and hid it in his room, in a bag, deep in his wardrobe, for times when he wasn’t sure what he was doing, losing faith that Sakura’s lyrical words couldn’t fix, where only the nostalgia woven in the smell of Sasuke’s skin could remind him of the olden days when things weren’t perfect or peaceful—and how he’d have had it no other way—and reminded him there was more to Sasuke than what he allowed his exterior to show.

 _Getting Kakashi-sensei to buy that alcohol was like a premonition. I need to get drunk._

 _This is going to make it really hard to fight you later._   
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, One Day 

  


The bathroom had bottles of bodywash in the shower stall, tubes of toothpaste on the countertop, and a discarded cardboard cylinder from a used toilet roll on the floor. Sasuke stared at it all with distain and held his breath. Near the sink, the basin turning a little pink with uncleaned scum, was someone’s bristled toothbrush and a small wrench for the cold water tap when it didn’t turn off properly. On the shelf under the mirror were brushes packed with hair, a small tub of vaseline, hairties and hairpins and some kind of men’s deodorant, the cap long since lost. 

Everything made his jaw hurt, his teeth clench hard. It wasn’t because of the mess. He’d seen it all before—

in the life he once had.

Sasuke threw it—he threw it all—he made a clean sweep of the basin and hurled everything to the ground, fighting and flaring, getting ready—The mirror looked like it could do with a solid shatter but he chose not to. The toothbrushes were begging to be snapped but he decided against it. He needed to breathe in and calm down. Still angry but now under control. If he did too much, he would be caught, and this homely scene was only going to repeat to infinity with or without his destruction.

 _Be careful. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. It’s better to wait._

\--

Sakura half-closed the window later in the day. She assumed the breeze had been too strong; their house did face the ocean after all, or maybe it was the mountains funneling the wind straight in. She warned Naruto and Sai against it too since it was a clean-up they could easily avoid. It never happened again.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, Four Days 

  


Naruto’s initial excitement about moving in together with his sewn-up, patchwork family had worn off long ago. Sakura offered him books, scrolls, journals to read and Naruto reiterated that he wanted something _fun_ to do. There was only so much sparring Kakashi and Yamato could handle and neither did Naruto’s elixir of stamina mix well with the distractions cohabitation bred. And Sasuke—wasn’t an option. He was running out of ideas and the last of those involved truly befriending Sai instead of just acknowledging that he was there. 

When Naruto befriended other boys, his usual method was to issue a challenge, beat the shit—or a satisfactory amount of it—out of them, and then make sure to rub their faces it in at the end. That might have been the reason he and Sasuke never hit it off very well because Naruto hardly ever won against Sasuke and when he did, it wasn’t when it counted most.

Within the limited confines of the apartment, he determined that wheelie-chair races were suitable. It frustrated him for other reasons.

“What’s that look for? Just run with it and jump on when you get to the line like I said. Watch.”

Naruto dragged his chair to the end of the hallway and charged at the cream masking tape affixed to the wooden floorboards. He breached the line and jumped, cavaulted for a heartbeat, and smacked into the wall at the other end. Sai was looking at him, several practiced facial expressions less than impressed, as Naruto pulled himself out of the wreckage.

“I thought you said this was going to be a fun game.”

“It is!”

“It looks painful.”

“You just have to try it once and then you’ll love it.”

Sai pulled his chair from his bedroom and stood at the far end opposite Naruto, unconvinced and just as unsure. What he did with the chair was less of a run and closer to an extended push, a halfhearted jump into the seat so that he semi-rotated and bumped the wall, or the wall bumped him, because someone had to apologize for something so soft and polite.

Naruto didn’t hesitate to give his esteemed opinion of the result.

“ _That_ —was the lamest shit I’ve ever seen.”

“Should I fall on the ground now like you did?”

“This is stupid. You made it not fun.”

“I did, did I?” Sai stood from the chair and smiled in the face of Naruto’s scowl, saying in all innocence: “I guess that means Sasuke did it better—”

“ _What did you say?_ ” Naruto choked on his swallow, raw and exposed by the swiftness with which he had taken the bait—“The fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“Well if I remember correctly, this is usually about the time when you tell me how inferior I am compared with Sasuke—”

“No it’s not—”

“You do something, I do something, it’s not good enough, you tell me Sasuke is better—which I suppose is to be expected. He _is_ an Uchiha after all and I guess that makes him good at everything.”

Naruto’s pain at Sai’s horrifying accuracy made his voice weak of all its conviction. “That’s not true…”

“It isn’t? Oh. I’m sorry.”

Through walls too thin, Sasuke heard it all.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, One Week 

  


It took five weeks for Sasuke to end his self-imposed isolation. 

In the few days prior, Naruto started seeing Sasuke a little more often, in patches of time between leaving and entering the apartment, departing for and returning from the bathroom. Sometimes he wanted to watch television and _Sasuke_ was already there sitting on the couch— _Sasuke watches **TV**?_ —there was enough room for Naruto too if he wanted, if he could stand to be within shouting range of Sasuke without causing another scene, or, if he couldn’t do that, he could always hug tight the armrest for about as much protection as a foam buoy in a storm. In the end, Naruto did neither: he turned around and left the room completely.

But out of everything, the most unluckiest of moments were whenever he saw Sasuke walking towards him down the hall. That was bad. That was _very_ bad because the hall wasn’t even as wide as the couch and Naruto wasn’t going to be the one to retreat or lean into the wall because that was _weak_ , that was evidence—and because neither of their egos were willing to yield, they just—walked. Their shoulders bumped, and Naruto was the only one who turned around and he knew this because he got pissed off for having waited so long for Sasuke never to reciprocate.

When he started seeing Sasuke again, he started seeing _a lot_ of Sasuke again.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, One Week, Four Days 

  


Naruto wondered if Sasuke’s presence was making Sakura more nervous to speak with him openly. She had stopped trying to force the interactions and stopped talking about Sasuke altogether unless they were alone outside. Naruto didn’t usually notice these things but he noticed _that_ —when his other best friend started fading, _that_ was fucking scary. The first had just come back from a five-year estrangement that had dragged Naruto through mud and failure and sweat and sacrifices _and he still wasn’t sure if it was entirely over_ —and whenever he tried to pull Sakura into his company, she shot his heart back down almost as many times. In his head, it was just a big black angry unsolved fog. 

It wasn’t a _date_. Naruto didn’t call it that even if it could have been. It wasn’t what Sakura called it either because he had asked her if that was the issue. When he realised she wasn’t worried about his long-recovered, childhood crush, he wondered if incessantly pestering her about what Sasuke had said was keeping her away and guilt suggested it was. She just didn’t like not wanting to tell him and Naruto didn’t like not knowing and being together just wouldn’t work like that. It—absolutely had to be just that simple.

”Is it my turn to hand the next report in?” Naruto asked.

“Sai just handed it in. It’s my turn next.”

“Are you going to tell Tsunade-baachan that he’s been getting out more?”

Sakura lay back with a deep sigh, hands behind her head on the grass and staring at the clouds in the sky. “I have to, I guess… I mean, I have to, right?” another sigh. “It’s a good thing, you know, that Sasuke-kun is getting out more. I told you he’d get better.”

Naruto hummed. Sasuke was hardly _better_. As far as he was concerned, Sasuke was worse for being too close on the other side of the same room. “Don’t you run away either, Sakura-chan.”

“What—where’d that come from? Why would you think that? ‘Sif I’d run away!”

“I know…”

“Naruto!” She sat up with her hand on his arm. “I _swear_ I’ll never run away—I mean, where would I even go? And even if there were somewhere—hey, Naruto, I _remember_ , you know.”

Naruto slid her a glance, waiting.

“I was there—I saw you, when you woke up in the hospital, after the fight. I haven’t forgotten—I couldn’t forget if I tried!”

 _I know._

Sakura didn’t understand the deeper meaning behind his words. Naruto was warning her not to run away because he knew he couldn’t go after her. Not _wouldn’t_ , because in another time and place he _would_ and not hesitate a second.

Naruto had her promise to fulfil before anything else. When Sakura had begged him to bring Sasuke back home, it wasn’t just back _home_ that she meant, though of course that was a part of it too. She wanted him to bring _Sasuke_ back home, Sasuke and his off-white smiles and gritty scowls that let them know he was human and emotional and just a touch vulnerable. Not like the Sasuke-shaped shell they kept at the apartment.

“I know. I’m just saying. Come out with me more, even if we just do nothing. You’ve been kind of distant lately.”

She looked surprised to be caught out but she didn’t defend the observation. Naruto wondered why people always gloated over being right when it wasn’t actually such a hot feeling after all.

“It’s getting to you, right? I can tell.”

 _Say it: yeah. Yeah, you’re right. That must be it._

 _Because even if it isn’t, just agree. For me._

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. four

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# four

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, Two Weeks 

  


When Sasuke came into the kitchen one morning and shoved Naruto out of the way to get to the glasses—just _shoved_ him, wordless—Naruto didn’t want to fight back. He stared at the countertop and he finally knew: Sasuke wasn’t _the same_. He just wasn’t the same.

Sasuke still ignored Naruto when he wasn’t treating him like less than a human being. He still had a countenance like a sheet of ice. He still said useless things and acted holier-than-thou and breezed past Naruto without any recognition of his existence. On the surface, looking at it like that, it wasn’t much different from how it used to be. That was how Naruto usually remembered Sasuke treating him when they were young and rough and inseparable.

Sasuke wasn’t the same because that was _all_ he did. He did what anyone could do. Anyone could turn a cold eye on someone they didn’t care about and say whatever hurtful thing came out first. Naruto was afraid he was no longer different to Sasuke in the way that Sasuke was different to him. Naruto wasn’t in that apartment, looking after him, doing his laundry and cooking the occasional meal for him because Sasuke was just _anyone_.

_Where did I go wrong? Tell me and I’ll fix it._

_Or should I give up?_

It wouldn’t have been the first time Naruto had had such thoughts. He wouldn’t be giving up _on_ Sasuke. Naruto would always believe there was goodness in Sasuke because he had _seen_ it, all the time, on the rare occasions when it actually mattered, when Sasuke had knowingly, willingly given up his life to protect him against Haku. Naruto would always have the memories and Naruto would always believe in Sasuke.

But Naruto could give up _to_ Sasuke. He could, even if it mattered so much to him—let Sasuke _kill_ him for the final time if that was what he wanted. Whatever he wanted. Naruto didn’t _have_ to be Hokage if Sasuke didn’t want him to be, if Sasuke didn’t _trust_ him or if he thought Naruto too unworthy or if the jealousy was just too great. It wasn’t the first time Naruto had seriously considered giving up his dreams to Sasuke—giving up _everything_ to Sasuke because when thought about a life without him—without _being_ with him as he had been fighting for since he was twelve and stupid—he didn’t see life at all. Maybe it was his own fault that his vision had narrowed so much, maybe it was and maybe he didn’t care.

_Am I being too romantic? I don’t care how you’re with me as long as you’re **there**._

_Come back. Just tell me what you **want**._

Sasuke wasn’t leaving, or hadn’t left _yet_ if he was planning to leave in the future. Naruto didn’t know what he was staying for but all Sasuke had at his fingertips now were him and Sakura and if that were all Sasuke wanted, he already had them. If Sasuke wanted more, he only had to ask. Naruto hadn’t thrown away five years of his life to refuse anything that Sasuke could now want. If Sasuke wanted to tease him, toy with him, hurt him fight him _beat him **hate him**_ —

_Anything. I’ll give you anything. Just come home where we are._

Naruto wondered how much Sasuke would demand, and just how much would be too much.

_Just don’t hurt Sakura-chan._

_All of this is **my** fault._   
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, Two Weeks, Six Days 

  


Naruto chewed his food with an open mouth and Sakura endured the noises and sights because— _just breathe, Sakura, just block it out_ —Naruto didn’t grow up with an extensive command of _general_ manners much less dinnertime etiquette. When she could stand to open her eyes again, Sasuke— _Sasuke-kun? wait, **what**_ —had appeared in the hallway so unexpectedly and _silently_ it made her flinch to see him. In his hand, the food she had just—

“Why is it always ramen?”

But Sakura kept her head down. She couldn’t face him, not with that tone.

“Because I like ramen.” Naruto cut in, trying to put the burn of Sasuke’s glare on himself. “Wow. You’ve been gone for a long time but I didn’t think you’d forget _that_.”

_God, Naruto_ —already wanting to shrivel into nothing and now determined to take his stupidity down with her— _you did not just **say** that—_

“Kitchen’s there. Use it.”

Sasuke sighed like it almost wasn’t worth the effort it took to look at him. “I know you didn’t make _shit_ so don’t you dare tell me what to do.”

“I did make it actually.”

Sakura glanced at Naruto without moving her head, facing the table and the food she had lost the appetite to eat. Naruto was taking the hit for her and assuming responsibility for things that didn’t matter then but could have mattered later—without even asking, in case the answer wasn’t the one he had already decided was important.

“I know you’re lying to me.”

“Well who cares who made it anyway! It’s not like you do the grocery shopping because you can’t even leave the house—!”

“ _Naruto_ —” quiet with the breath of controlled speech— _you’re just making it **worse**_ —light and clear when she explained, “I’m sorry, Sasuke-kun. It’s been a long time so I don’t know what you like anymore or if you still like the same things. If you just tell me what you’d like to eat, I’ll make sure to buy it next time we go shopping. We, um… don’t have much at the moment but I can make you some fried rice if you’d prefer that?—”

“What are you even saying sorry to that bastard for—”

“Naruto, just shut _up_. _Please._ I make you ramen because that’s what you like. If there’s something Sasuke-kun likes then I’ll make that too because that’s fair. Right?”

“I suppose fried rice will have to do. I’m not eating this shit again.”

“Don’t talk to Sakura-ch—”

Sakura elbowed Naruto in the face getting up. “Okay sure, I can do that. We don’t have any rice made at the moment so I’ll have to do that first. It might take a little while…”

Everyone except Sai was surprised because Sai hadn’t yet worked out the intricacies of their three-sided anarchic relationship to know it was a _huge_ step when, instead of returning to his room until the food was done, Sasuke sat down at the table to wait.

Naruto felt the surprise a little more keenly or he couldn’t hold it back as well as Sakura could because she was distracted in the kitchen or a combination of the two or _something_ because he wasn’t finishing his meal off for all the staring he was doing to Sasuke’s disinterested and averted face.

Naruto scrutinized the shit out of Sasuke because he was _right there opposite him_ and hadn’t been, aware and moving, for a long time. Sasuke’s hair had grown a lot longer, thick stalactite-shapes falling around his face, onto his shoulders that were tense and tight. Some things Naruto still recognised, like the frozen line of his mouth and his unseeing stare, fixed on some point in the carpet. Overall Sasuke looked kind of—very contained and taut and completely overstrung—

_I hope you know you’re going to explode if you keep doing that._

_I guess it’s lucky we’re here for you then._

But Sasuke wasn’t reacting and Naruto was pissed off. He didn’t want to be caught staring but he wanted attention from the one person he had ever really craved it from. When Sasuke’s exterior alone wasn’t enough to criticize and Naruto watched him eat his meal far too carefully, heaping his spoon in a perfect dome the way everything in Sasuke’s life had to be strict and structured—

Sakura made a little cough and glared at Naruto sharply, indicating to his bowl with a pointed gaze. Naruto glared back at her through papercut eyes.

“Where do you buy fucking flowers from?” Sai asked. Both Naruto and Sakura looked at him bewildered.

“Um. Excuse me?” Naruto asked.

“Do you mean a florist?” Sakura answered.

“I just remember hearing you say you’d get a nice, little pot of fucking flowers for the table if Sasuke ever ate with us, Naruto. I’m handing in the report tomorrow. Where can I buy them from?”

_The fuck are you honestly talking about?—ah._

_We really need thicker walls._

“Forget it, Sai. It was just a joke.”

Sai was disappointed. “I can never understand your sense of humor.”

Sakura was more than thankful that Sasuke was perfectly ignoring Sai’s comments, oblivious as he was to the already strained and awkward atmosphere surrounding their table in their apartment. The only person who came close to outstripping him was—

“So. Better than the food at Club Orochimaru?—”

“ ** _Ow_** —what the fuck was _that?_ ”

Sakura covered her mouth, eyes wide—

Even Sai jumped at the sudden, booming laughter—

“ _Did—did you just kick **Sasuke**?_ ” Naruto smacked his hand on the table when the words wouldn’t come. “Because you thought it was _me?_ ”

It was impossible to hear her timid, profuse, shaken and broken apologies over the thunderous bellow of his laughter—laugher _so hard_ Naruto had tears in his eyes, hands around his stomach. It was too much, too darkly, dangerously _good_ and Naruto had to haul his carcass to the couch where he could lie down and not die so painfully from hysterics.

When Sasuke threw his door shut with a crack, Sakura was sensible enough to beat Naruto for his insensitivity.

“Sa—Sakura-chan, you _kicked_ —oh my stomach—it hurts so good—kill me quickly, somebody, _please_ —screw Hokage, my life is complete—”

“Shut up, it’s not funny! This is all _your_ fault! Why would you even say that!” 

But Naruto was in too much writhing, ecstatic pain to feel the separate blows of her fists. 

\--

Sasuke in fact didn’t mind ramen even if he had to eat it several unnecessary times a week. The point of having gone out there and demanding different food wasn’t about a dislike of it or asserting his authority or anything obvious like that—it was about _actually going out there_ and seeing them, being with them, assessing them and that _replacement_ and more than anything—truly understanding that Naruto was still as brainless as the genin he had deserted. Sasuke smiled, staring out the window in his room, _thinking_.

He could have hidden behind anything. Ramen just happened to be there.

It was unfortunate that Sakura had kicked him but even that couldn’t spurn his desire to be in their space at every sweet, convenient moment.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  One Month, Three Weeks, Five Days 

  


Every sweet, convenient, premeditated moment.

Sasuke knew their footsteps now. He knew as soon as Sakura, Naruto or Sai walked in the door which one of them it was. He played on that, especially if it were Naruto because Naruto actually tried to bite him back. He’d time it, leave his room just to watch that whiskered face, sometimes surprised or analyzing or plain pissed off but it was most entertaining when he tried to look unaffected. Blank. Without emotion. Naruto didn’t do emotionless. Never had, never could.

It was lucky the encounters were so brief. Knowing he had only to contain his wide, destructive smile for a few seconds was all he could do to keep it hidden.

_You haven’t changed **at all** , Naruto, I know you and you’re still the **stupidest** person I’ve ever met._

_How much can you take— **will** you take before you break?_

_Just watch me, let me, I’ll **break** you, Naruto, and I’ll break you **hard**._   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, Two Days 

  


Naruto didn’t enjoy showering. It was bearable when it was just a matter of rinsing his hair and body of the daily dirt and grime, sometimes grass and leaves if he happened to spar earlier, but when he watched the dark water pool around his feet and drain in dirty streams he remembered all the times he’d had to clean himself of blood. The water made it smell like toxic copper again. He relived the fights again. The bad thing was it wasn’t always his and the worst thing was its source wasn’t always still alive.

He took up singing—he couldn’t sing very well but the spray of the shower and the echoing of his voice against the walls and tiles blocked out the invasive images. It was something Sakura had to get used to when she’d first started living with him and it wasn’t a pleasant, Naruto’s-quirks-make-him-cute-and-fluffy kind of adjustment. He was terribly off-key and every time she told him what she thought of his personal opera, he changed the lyrics and insulted her poetically. He didn’t tell her the reason he did it either; he preferred to force her to adapt. Such a method had proved successful with all his other less-than-charming habits.

The toilet and the shower were both in the bathroom, in separate stalls. Sakura didn’t like using the former if someone else were in the bathroom but sometimes she had no choice and if there were _any_ advantages to Naruto’s wailing, it was that it seemed to drown out more than just his own thoughts.

When he stepped out of the shower that night, she was just locking the toilet door. Naruto paid no attention to her: he was quite enraptured by the handsome devil in the mirror.

“Hey, sexy~”

Naruto squeaked his voice as high as he could get it, puffed out his chest and stared at himself in the mirror, flexing and poking and admiring his own physique.

“Naruto-kun, you’re so handsome~ Oh my~ How did your muscles get so big~ Are you that big everywhere~”

Sakura burst from the toilet stall with cross look on her face.

“Naruto, get out already!”

“But I’m busy looking at myself.”

“I can’t use the toilet when you’re just outside. You’ll _hear_.”

Naruto laughed at her ridiculousness. “What’s your problem then? You say that like we’ve never travelled across this country together. Don’t you remember camping out all those times when Kakashi-sensei was too stingey to rent a hotel?”

“But we aren’t camping _right now_. Come on, hurry up! I really need to go!”

“Just go do your stuff. I promise I won’t think of you any less a lady than I already do.”

“God, just get out! You have a mirror in your own room. Use that!” And it was fun and silly for a while, trying to push Naruto’s bulky, shirtless, still-damp figure out the door—until Naruto’s playful resistance became _real_ resistance together with the imperative hollers a touch too serious to be a game—

He almost ran her over in his effort to back-peddle. She had to grab his arm and the basin just so she didn’t fall over—

_**Oh.** _

Naruto shrugged her off and pushed past Sasuke, stamped footsteps all the way to his room where the door closed with a punctuated bang.

Sasuke stared impassively over his shoulder until he knew they were alone and Sakura flinched when he turned on her, darker and more alive than she ever remembered seeing him.

“What were you doing in here with him?”

“Nothing!—he was just showering and I came in to use the toilet—”

Sasuke examined her face closely for telltale signs of mistruth. Under any other circumstances it might have been gratifying—electrifying even.

“You two,” Sasuke mused in deep tones, “seem to be doing a lot of _nothing_ lately”—and backed her into the wall through no conscious effort of her own. Sasuke didn’t need to balance himself with a hand above her shoulder; he had all the intimidation he needed just opening his eyes—“If you’re not dating, don’t _act_ like it. You’re nothing but a liar if you do.”

Sakura wouldn’t look at him but on the edges of her vision she saw his mouth curl up into a smile. A terrible, devious smile. 

\--

Porn should have distracted him. It had ever other time and the girl on the page was exactly his type and hot as fuck and failing to take his mind off the clumsy Team 7 not-quite-hug-sandwich-thing he had found himself in the middle of. Whenever he thought he was getting into the pictures, he found himself staring out the window, painfully aware of that mortifying _squark_ that burst out of his mouth when he had first collided with Sasuke. He cringed until his eyes reopened. If there were ever a time Naruto most definitely did not want another warm body pressed up against him—

The last time they had been that close, closer than he had been that one day when Sasuke was unconscious at the will of the ANBU, had been years ago in Sound when they had finally tracked down Orochimaru’s hideout. Naruto made sure to emphasise that they had been _close_ but not _touching_ , or at least he precisely recalled willing himself to be resolutely stiff and straight-armed while Sasuke had touched _him_ , hung all over him and whispered into his ear the same useless shit he always did.

_God, my **nose**. You got a cement slab for a face or something?_

So Naruto supposed the last time _he_ had actually touched Sasuke was during their fight at the Valley of the End when he had slugged Sasuke in the mouth. Those were safe and satisfying thoughts.

_But the weird thing is how you didn’t even move. I don’t think you moved. You just stood there._

It was curious. It was inconsistent. It was weird. But Sasuke had always been a little bit weird. If he twisted off and reassembled the thoughts a little, Naruto found he could make some sense out of Sasuke’s behavior after all. Maybe it was even something he should have expected because Sasuke was never one to back down from a challenge, especially when winning made Naruto feel uncomfortable, bent in and psyched out, like the way he did now.

_If you just want to win a challenge, then—fine, if that’s what you want, then I’ll let you win. I did let you win. Are you going to get better now?_

_I have excuses for everything._   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, Four Days 

  


“Sakura-chan,” Naruto caught her lying on her bed, reading. “Do you want to come with me to hand in the report?”

She declined, saying she was up to the good part in her book. That was how Naruto ended up outside with Sai, squashed into the seat of the swingset in the academy playground. Naruto twirled the seat around as tight as it would wind and sat back down, took his legs off the ground and let it whirl him back to its original shape.

“Do me a favor. Tomorrow when that goddamn _bird_ outside our window starts cawing at seven in the morning, draw it a slug or something just to make it go away.”

“I don’t think it would be good for the bird’s health to eat ink.”

“It’s not good for my health to be woken up at seven in the morning either but one of us has to go and I was here first.”

Sai balanced on his toes and rocked quietly back and forth. Naruto had started to get some height into his swing. A challenge was brewing in his expression.

“Hey, want to see who can jump further? I used to do this all the time. Watch me.”

Naruto kicked his legs forward and back, calculated the perfect trajectory and launched off the swing—and broke the fall with his face, getting caught in the chair.

“That looks like it hurt. Why would you do that all the time?”

Naruto rolled on his side, dazed and aching, and sneezed the sand out of his nose. “My ass is too big for the swing and now I’ve gone and ruined a perfectly good childhood memory.”

“If it’s alright with you, I would like to keep my childhood memories intact. I don’t have very many after all.”

Naruto sighed into the dirt. He need a little more time to recover.

“I guess I can let you off the hook. But only this once.”

Sai smiled at Naruto, adding to his misery. “Thanks for always being so nice to me.”

_What you have is truly a gift, Sai._   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, One Week 

  


Tsunade prohibited them from accepting even menial D-rank missions but they were still free to roam the village. Sasuke, on the other hand, had a very narrow area in which to entertain himself and pass his days. Naruto tried to understand what that might have been like for a person like Sasuke, who had traversed places he probably couldn’t fathom, to be locked up so suddenly and forbidden from using chakra. Now he understood why Sasuke watched a lot of television.

Naruto naïvely believed that the rules dictated Sasuke’s behavior when in reality Sasuke still did whatever he pleased. When Sasuke combined the two, his search for amusement and his disrespect for authority, Naruto saw glimpses of the old Sasuke, still dry and dark-witted but just a lot more dangerous about showing it. The second time Naruto saw him using chakra—and not just _any_ chakra—

Sasuke winced when the decibels in Naruto’s voice pierced his ears, louder than the chidori in his hand.

“Fucking hell, Naruto. What are you screaming for? I almost slipped and set this whole place on fire.”

“Are you actually insane? _Put it out!_ ” Naruto couldn’t believe the ANBU guards weren’t swarming the apartment. Where _were_ they? They were supposed to _prevent_ things like this—

“The food’s not warm yet.”

“Put it on the stove like a normal person then!”

“It’s quicker this way.”

The electricity was sparking out from under the saucepan and dancing around a mass of combustible materials that could have had the entire apartment swallowed up in a blaze in less than—

“Don’t even think about it.” Sasuke’s threat was low and liquid cool. “I’ll put it out when I’m done.”

_You know I can’t let you do that._

This time Naruto didn’t shout, though his demand was no less forceful. “Couldn’t you just use the stove?”

“Couldn’t you just _fuck off?_ ”

_You’re goading me into a fight, aren’t you. I’m not supposed to let you do that either. We’re not supposed to be fighting._

Sasuke hadn’t looked at him even once during the whole exchange.

_But this isn’t working and I don’t know what to do._

Naruto stepped forward. Sparks from the shrieking electricity stung his skin and faded out when he turned the dial on the stovetop. Maybe the only issue was that Sasuke just didn’t know how to use the hotplates.

_Doubt it._

“There. Put it on that one.”

Sasuke was right beside him. Naruto pointed to the hotplate, slowly coming into red with heat, but Sasuke didn’t give any indication of movement and Naruto had run out of ideas and lost his patience. The moment he grabbed onto Sasuke’s wrist to force him to put the saucepan down, the white light receded until it was little more than a tiny glow, buzzing at the centre of Sasuke’s palm.

“Better now?”

Naruto didn’t let go.

_It’s just one thing after another with you, isn’t it. You’re just going to keep going until I have to fight you._

_And I miss fighting with you. But not like this. It’s like you actually mean it now._

Naruto didn’t like that Sasuke was trying to provoke a fight but with a tight kind of unsettled relief, Naruto suspected that all Sasuke wanted to do was test the boundaries. If he let go of Sasuke’s arm, with its warm blood tapping lightly under his hand, somehow he knew Sasuke would just explode the lightning ball back into a storm, or regurgitate fire on his tongue, or do anything else that would make it so Naruto had a duty to escalate the situation.

_You want to fight—but you want me to start it so it’s my name that shows up on the report._

_I can’t tell if you’re just really clever or really bored._

Naruto was pretty certain it wasn’t going to be a fight he had a chance of winning because he couldn’t imagine what it would do to Sasuke to lose, but maybe it would be a fight Naruto could get out of with only a few cuts and bruises in places no one would see. There wasn’t a lot of space in the kitchen after all. There was only so much damage Sasuke could do.

_Sakura-chan is going to be so pissed at me if she finds out but—whatever, I don’t know. I’ll just deal with it later._

Sasuke saw the resolve solidify along Naruto’s fingers—and the second Naruto’s other arm so much as _flinched_ —

The saucepan clattered on the ground, its contents splattered across the floor, and in a voice as gently commanding as the hand that held Naruto’s throat to the fridge—“I dissipated some of the chakra to prevent this little tantrum of yours, you know. I really don’t understand what your problem with it is.”

“My _problem_ is that there’s a stove right there. You’re not going to starve to death if it takes five more minutes.”

Naruto still had his hand on the arm at his throat, tensed it just a little to remind Sasuke he didn’t appreciate the chokehold but—he wasn’t going outright fight against the pressure just yet, just in case there was still a way to get out of it scratchless.

“Where’s Sakura and my replacement, Psycho or whatever?”

“They’re out doing the grocery shopping.”

“So we’re alone?”

Sasuke’s eyes were clear and ocean-black. Naruto had never before been able to stare through them so easily and unnervingly and he realized: Sasuke had learnt new tricks and Naruto wasn’t used to them. He was _different_ , his eyes were different. Sasuke had different mannerisms and habits and behaviours picked up somewhere in the time he was away because there was a disconnect Naruto felt watching Sasuke do something he wasn’t used to seeing him do. Sasuke would think that the grim line of Naruto’s mouth was about the attack and Naruto knew it wasn’t.

“Let go of me—”

“I could kill you right now and they’d spent the rest of their lives just _wishing_ one of them had stayed home to save you.”

Naruto had to laugh. “Are you still going around saying that? And here I was hoping we could spend this time catching up on stories—”

Sasuke’s hand dropped from directly over his throat to spread over his collarbone, pressure still behind the muscle. Naruto didn’t fear for his life despite the threat. If he knew anything about Sasuke, it was his reckless, unnecessary affinity for drama, and if he were going to kill him, it wasn’t going to be in the quiet of the apartment without a single witness. The threat was hollow, just sound, just power play.

“You know, it’s funny how you have a tan line from your hitai-ate. I don’t. Not anymore anyway.”

_Stop it, just **stop it**. Just tell me what you want so I can give it to you._

“Well, your breath definitely stinks more than your personality.”

Sasuke hummed, amused. “It’s good to see you’re still as annoying as I remember.”

Sasuke wasn’t staring through him anymore and Naruto’s glare became his confusion. Sasuke remembered? He had to shake it, ignore it. Naruto wouldn’t let it to get to him. Sasuke was so good at manipulating words.

But Sasuke _remembered_ and the pain in his head didn’t feel so bad. Not if it meant Sasuke came back. Just a little pain, just a little more, just a little more on top of what he had already experienced. Was it too much, was a fight with him right there and then too much? It wasn’t too much. It all blurred together after a while into one big, painful, unforgettable lump in his stomach anyway.

_If it’s a fight you want—whatever you want._

“Get off me—” Still too quick for Naruto’s feet when he kicked out at him. Sasuke was out of practice and _still_ too quick, on the other side of the kitchen which wasn’t nearly far enough away, watching Naruto, face open and bright and expecting.

_That’s better. That’s the Sasuke I remember._

Naruto considered where they were, the centre of the village surrounded by workers and merchants and tourists and families, children, mothers, fathers, siblings, someone’s grandparents maybe. Goddamn Tsunade, that was _exactly_ why she had put them there instead of somewhere far away in the countryside. She didn’t want them doing shit like this.

Did Sasuke realize it too? Did he even _know_ where they were?

Because he didn’t use any sort of ninjutsu in the brief scuffle. Not that he needed to. Naruto came out of it the worse of the pair as he knew he would, soothed his equally bruised, cut and mussed ego by telling himself that Sasuke _must_ have done shitloads of practice fighting in cramped spaces to have been so good at it.

But did Sasuke practice that look too, at the end of the fight when he knew he was that much better, mashing Naruto’s head into the floor? Naruto turned his glare on the table leg next to him to avoid it. God, he hated—no, he didn’t hate _losing_ exactly. He just hated not winning. He hated not winning against Sasuke because if he was able to see that stupid _look_ on Sasuke’s face, it meant he was coming back, slowly, one sneer at a time and it was going to hurt the whole way.

Naruto made sure to clean up his face and the mess on the floor before Sakura saw it but his brain didn’t seem to be functioning at its usual premium standard. When she asked him what a certain betraying stain was on his shirt, he tried to pass it off as ketchup.

“But we don’t own any ketchup…”

_Busted!_

Sakura pursed her lips to show her disapproval. Naruto had been expecting worse: a harsh and hard word or a spindly lecture. She disapproved but—there wasn’t much she could have done to prevent it. Maybe she was just thankful the stain on his shirt was the _only_ sign of a fight. Maybe she was just thankful she still had a home to return to.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, One Week, One Day 

  


Was it enough of a comfort to tell himself that in order to fight him, Sasuke must have at least _looked_ at him?

Naruto’s jaw tightened when he realized it actually didn’t matter, spearing the air with forbidden chakra and no ANBU assistance and the _difference_ didn’t matter. He didn’t care and whatever fight they weren’t supposed to have had wasn’t _wrong_ when maybe it should have been. If chidori had to be the medium through which they actually _said_ something to each other, Naruto decided he would both fight it and encourage it.

_I miss you. Even though you’re right there._

Sasuke was— _kind of not really_ —coming back and Naruto just had to keep chasing.

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. five

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# five

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, One Week, Four Days 

  


Stressed enough by the mess, Sakura had only an irritated heartbeat and a long, slow, deliberate sigh to offer Naruto’s unwillingness to clean. “I found a broken saucer behind a pillow this morning. Now I don’t really mind that it’s broken but could you at least put it in the trash?”

“The saucer wasn’t my fault. I just sat on it and it broke itself.”

“Look, this place is honestly disgusting. I can’t believe I’m living in it.”

“Maybe someone should clean it then.”

“ _I know, right?_ Listen, today is a great day for cleaning because we’re all free. I’ll make a list. Promise me you’ll do what I tell you to do.” 

But Naruto’s posture seemed content to remain carefree and slouched. Even his eyes wouldn’t always flick to her when he spoke, muttering something that sounded like ambiguous agreement too soft to carry any real conviction.

“Do you know it’s been two months—no, more than that! It’s been over two months that we’ve been living in this filth. How can you stand it?”

“I usually just wait until someone else does it.”

“So I’ve noticed.” Sakura snipped. “Look, it’ll be fun. Remember how much fun we had cleaning Sasuke-kun’s room?” 

Too late to stop the words when Sakura was annoyed enough to be thankful she wasn’t saying more. Naruto had only a resolute stare for the glass of the television screen. He was practicing a very fine act of _I’m not listening to you. ___

Sakura wondered for not the first time how she had to be the most mature person in the house when she had never spent more than a few months away from the cozy comfort of her parents. Yet there she was, having to explain why the _sanitisation_ of their living area was something they had to do more than never.

“Look. I’ll vacuum and mop the floors but first we need to clean the kitchen and the bathroom so I don’t have to do it twice. What do you want to do?”

“Not clean Sasuke’s room, that’s for sure.”

“No one’s asking you to. Now hurry up and pick one.”

“I’ll vacuum.”

Still would have been more satisfying to break that artifact of a television but Sakura settled for a gouge of her finger into the button that turned the distraction off. “You’re doing the kitchen. Sai can do the bathroom. I’ll do the floors. Got it? Get up and start. I’ll go get Sai.”

“Hey wait—what about Sasuke?” Naruto must have been serious because he even sat up to indulge his petty whinges. “That’s not fair! He lives here too.”

“Naruto, just—just go into the kitchen and start. The sooner we get this done, the sooner you can watch your TV.”

“But it’d be faster with four people, don’t you think? How come he doesn’t have to do anything? I’m not doing it if he doesn’t.”

“He’s sick, remember. Can we just get this over with?”

Naruto wrinkled his nose like a brat. “I won’t do it unless he does. So unfair…”

“Well I guess you’ll be going to go tell him then,” Sakura threw back, capping the argument in silence, and then turned and left to talk to Sai.

Sai was far more compliant, or at least the smile on his face and his easy agreement when placed in stark contrast with Naruto’s childish behavior somewhat settled the angry feeling inside. Sai wasn’t concerned that Sasuke wouldn’t be helping—didn’t even ask—just accepted his job and started when she told him to. Naruto was still sulking in the lounge room when she came back out.

_I know you’re still sore about the fight with Sasuke-kun. That’s all this is, just your immaturity._

_I’m just trying to make him better, the only way I know how. What would you do in my position?_

The television wasn’t on but Naruto was nevertheless still staring at its black-hollow backdrop. Sakura didn’t say anything, just stood under the arch into the room until Naruto had to drag his gaze away and fidget, knowing all the words she wanted to say but wouldn’t. 

_Yeah. This wasn’t how I imagined living together would be like either._

“Sorry. I’ll do it. Is there anything else you want to talk about?”

Sakura breathed, in and out, just once. “No. It’s okay.”

Naruto got up and walked into the kitchen, a quiet _thank you_ dropped in the space between them when he passed her.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, Two Weeks 

  


“Sakura-cha~n, I’m bored.” Naruto glanced into her room; empty. “Where are you?”

“Lounge room.”

“Play with me.”

Naruto heard the scoff. “No.”

“You don’t want to play with me? That’s not very sexy.”

Naruto should have had more patience. It would have been worth it to see her laugh him off or blush or stammer out a forced segue in front of Sasuke who was next to her. With her.

“What are you doing?”

“Just watching TV.”

Sakura was embarrassed alright, fidgeting, a fine pink mist settling on her cheeks. Naruto wondered if he had interrupted something. It could have just been his teasing but—Naruto trusted the suspicious feeling he got when Sakura kept avoiding eye contact. It felt like there was something else.

_How can you stand to be alone with him? I thought he—_

“What are you watching?”

“Documentary. You wouldn’t like it.”

Subtle like a slap. Now Naruto definitely knew there was something else going on and was even less convinced that leaving Sakura alone with Sasuke was a good idea. He pinched his face together and got comfortable, boring-as-fuck documentary or not, with Sasuke at the other end of the couch and Sakura squashed awkwardly in the middle. He didn’t know how he wanted them arranged because this wasn’t it, pushing Sakura and Sasuke even closer together, but it would have to do. At least he was there. Naruto looked at the screen and tried to get lost in the private lives of plants to make the time until bedtime pass quicker.

_God, this is the most **mind-numbing** shit I’ve ever seen. Whose idea was this?_

_I thought he hurt you. I mean, you were crying, weren’t you? And you still haven’t told me what that was about. Is there something else going on between you two?_

Naruto watched Sasuke as best he could with his face mostly turned towards the television screen, rested his head in his palm, elbow propped up on the armrest and stole as many sly glances as he dared. 

_It bothers me because Sakura-chan still likes you and you don’t like me._

Sasuke still had sway over Sakura. When Naruto thought about it, he found he couldn’t really pinpoint a time when Sasuke had been mean to Sakura in the way that he had been mean to him. If Sasuke wanted to, he could probably turn them all against each other in a matter of weeks with the drop of a few dark and smooth words. Naruto couldn’t afford to lose Sakura to him too, not Sakura who kept his faith afloat in the rough seas. He had to keep an eye on her.

Sasuke’s posture gave away nothing about what they had been doing before. The hand that wasn’t holding his head up lay across his lap far out of reach of Sakura, his legs crossed and torso angled towards the armrest. Naruto was pleased that this assessment seemed to indicate he was just trying to watch television in comfortable, unassuming peace.

_Which means nothing. You wouldn’t do anything to give yourself away now that I’m here._

Naruto found when he brought his gaze back up that Sasuke was staring at him too. He wasn’t expecting that, flicked his eyes back to the television immediately and knew it was the stupidest thing he could have done, caught and proven entirely red-handed and wondered just how long Sasuke had been doing that.

Naruto looked back, slowly, and Sasuke was still staring. Not glaring or challenging or dissecting—just _staring_ , which was probably worse. Naruto stared back, or found his attention momentarily divided at Sasuke’s chest or his fingers for no reason at all, and when his head had finished cascading with excuses, he wondered if Sasuke was trying to lure him into another contest like everything else between them had always been a contest.

_Ha, you blinked. I win._

_Haha, blinked again. You really suck at this._

_Err… win?_

_…alright, stop blinking and start playing by the rules._

“Anyone thirsty? I’m going to get a drink if anyone wants something.”

He looked at Sakura when she stood and walked into the kitchen and heard the cupboard open and close, the tap gushing with water. In the meantime Naruto somehow dislodged a peppercorn from between his teeth with his tongue and was dealing with the sharp burn after he got curious and crunched it when Sasuke slid across the couch and sat directly beside him— _huh?_ —

Naruto stared at the television and kept licking his teeth. No one said anything, not Sasuke and certainly not Naruto.

_I swear to god, you’d better not be planning to get me back for winning so many bouts of the staring contest. You fucked that up all by yourself._

_No, wait. That’s not it. Sakura-chan—You’re just trying to get me away from Sakura-chan so you can—_

Naruto tried to read the thoughts on Sakura’s face when she returned and her gait slowed, assessing the new arrangement. She looked at Naruto, at Sasuke, at Naruto again and then sat down. The documentary rolled on. Naruto wondered if Sakura were just as aware as he was every time Sasuke moved his head or his hands or legs or fidgeted in some minor and distracting way.

_What are you doing? What’s going on? I don’t understand how it got to this._

_But—_

But Sasuke was there. And they weren’t fighting and no one was yelling. It was better than it had been two months ago. They were just sitting there, next to each other, in silence, pretending to watch television.

Naruto calmed and felt a little better.

_It might not be perfect but… I guess it’s working._

He felt better.

And some of that better feeling might just have had something to do with being by Sasuke’s side again like he had always been by Sasuke’s side. Where the world was natural amidst the chaos. 

\--

“…can he sleep sitting up? Do you think we should wake him?”

“No, it’s okay. Just leave him there.”

Sasuke’s voice was warm and soft, intending not to disturb him. Naruto broke out of his sleep cycle in a second.

_I followed you all over this earth for the past five years—if you go to Sakura-chan’s room, don’t think I won’t follow you there too—_

Naruto kept his eyes closed when footsteps faded down the hall and Sakura’s door closed with a quiet click. Now the only sounds in the room came the music accompanying the credits, turned down low. Sasuke was still warm at his side.

_You didn’t leave._

Naruto didn’t yet have the brain to think too hard about the relief that sunk like a wave through his bones. For a little while, he was able to drift back into a doze, addled by Sasuke’s body heat and the stillness in his head, and in between his daydreams and musings, the thought quietly and unhurriedly occurred to him: that Sasuke wasn’t a completely useless ninja and he should have been able to tell the difference between someone sleeping and someone just with their eyes closed.

Naruto opened his eyes to Sasuke already staring at him, very close. He had just enough time to appreciate that Sasuke was about to jump him before he actually did.

Naruto grunted into the hand that shoved his face away somewhere that meant he couldn’t see but he still had instincts that wanted to reimagine Sasuke’s nose with the ball of his palm. His hand struck air but his other arm protecting him as a secondary block caught on Sasuke’s throat and held him back, halting their scuffle.

“What took you so long?” Sasuke might actually have been teasing him.

“Just waiting to see if you had the guts to start it this time.”

Sasuke was using the gradient and the weight of gravity to keep him restrained, leaning over and pushing Naruto’s head back far enough that his voice came out sounding mangled. The pressure relaxed, slowly. Naruto had enough time to catch a glimpse between the shadows of Sasuke’s hair of a smile that could have been bordering on mischievous before his head was pushed back again. Then released. Then pushed again. Then released again. Then pushed—

“You’re fucking annoying, you know that?” Naruto twisted the arm at Sasuke’s throat around and tried to grab at absolutely anything, floundering when he still couldn’t see. It was only when he knocked the hand away from his face that Sasuke drew back and ducked and dragged Naruto by his knees further down the couch.

Naruto couldn’t tell how serious to take the fighting. Up until then, the Sasuke who had come back had only hurt him. He didn’t know what to make of the little smile at Sasuke’s mouth or the clear energy in his eyes. It was an expression so far from the hate and indifference that Naruto had been swallowing recently that he probably let through more hits than he normally would, just in case Sasuke wasn’t being as playful— _playful?_ —as he seemed to be.

_Are you—are you back? Are you coming back?_

The hits didn’t hurt that much. Of course, it was still Sasuke punching and cuffing and roughing him up and there was still a degree of force behind the blows but—it didn’t feel like there was an intention to hurt. Sasuke didn’t have a threshold when it came to hurting people. Naruto was sure if he meant it, he would have known. Instead it—felt like the meaningless, senseless, childish bickering over nothing that they had wound each other up with when they were twelve.

_This is weird. You’re being really weird._

_But I missed this._

There was a little part at the back of Naruto’s head that wondered if Sasuke was about to carve the heart out of his chest any second now but—

_But I missed this. And I need more memories like this._

Naruto needed more memories that made him forget the difference. He needed more memories that repeated the high peaks of the past. He needed more memories of Sasuke headbutting his stomach and sliding his forehead up his chest like the stupid attack it was to bite him on the neck—

“You bit me!” Naruto heard his voice yelp into the shock. He struck out before he could think about it but the still-smile at Sasuke’s mouth seemed to suggest the collision with his cheek had been worth it just to render that reaction.

“I did. But not hard, though. I’m sure you’ll survive.”

Sasuke snatched up Naruto’s shirt and nipped his teeth into one of the ribs.

“Get off!”

“No.”

Naruto tried to sit up but Sasuke persuaded him to lie back down with a flat and forceful palm to the center of his chest, and Naruto would regret the decision to bring his legs into the foray to make a kick at Sasuke when it meant Sasuke drove the bone of his elbow into the muscle of his thigh, nailed to the back of the couch, swearing and sending his whole body into a paralyzed state.

Naruto curled into the pain. The momentary distraction gave Sasuke enough time to smack his other knee to the other side of the couch and lean over him, staring down at him and sitting between his legs.

 _Whoa okay now this is really kind of weird_ —was the first thing his post-puberty brain thought. The muscle in his leg was still too tight to allow for deep deliberation but Naruto was pretty sure this was the first time that he had ever had anyone where Sasuke was.

“Get off.”

“No.”

Naruto wasn’t sure how much to trust the increasingly weirder feeling flickering at the edges of his conscious mind. He wondered how much of it was real and how much of it was just him. 

_But this was normal once. Wasn’t it? I’m sure this was how we used to fight._

_I’m just being stupid. Probably. I didn’t jerk off this morning. You’d do anything to win after all._

Sasuke stared down at him like he knew something Naruto didn’t. He still had his hand pressed to Naruto’s chest, slid it down slowly to his stomach where the skin was exposed and left it there.

_Maybe I should—_

Sasuke dipped his head and clamped his teeth down again, this time on his nipple—

“Fucking hell, you piece of shit—” Naruto moved on base instincts. He twisted out of it and pushed Sasuke’s head away but Sasuke just wedged his hands under Naruto’s back and pressed his face down, laughing and unyielding. “Get off me.”

“You keep saying that. But I don’t think you mean it.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Just _get off_ —”

“No.”

Pushing and pulling weren’t working. Sasuke still had his fingers in Naruto’s shirt, anchored under their weight. He only removed them when Naruto started messing with his face to snap his hands on the violating wrists, jamming them somewhere against the couch out of range. When Naruto couldn’t fight the hold long enough to do anything decisive, he worked the heels of his feet into the grove of Sasuke’s hips and shoved him back.

Except he couldn’t. Sasuke was curved over him too far for his legs to do anything resembling a shove but now he had gone and given away his intentions, allowing Sasuke to invalidate the space between them and take away any footholds Naruto would have been otherwise able to latch his toes onto with a hard grind, flush against his groin—

Suspending everything for a second just to understand the lengths Sasuke would go to in order to win a stupid fight. As soon as he had the mind to do so, Naruto destroyed the evidence that he had been affected, slit his startle-widened eyes and clenched his teeth on the crack between his lips. Why he still thought there was any worth in continuing the fight, he would later blame on the disorientation, gouged the biggest of his toes into Sasuke’s side trying to elicit tickles.

It didn’t. Sasuke ground against him again.

_Okay now this is getting really kind of—_

Naruto hooked his feet in the back of Sasuke’s shirt and tried to pull him off that way, shred the shirt if that was what it took—and this time Naruto was less surprised to feel Sasuke slide over him again than he was by the thought that— _if it wasn’t even really necessary this time, what does that mean we’re—_

Sasuke did it again, slowly, so that there could be no confusion about his motives. Naruto gave up. He had to. Because beneath the faded shock, it only—

Sasuke did it again, like a rhythm was building, even though they weren’t fighting anymore and there was no reason or excuse for it. Naruto couldn’t pretend it wasn’t making him warm but at least he wasn’t making a sound. Unlike Sasuke.

_What are you—_

Sasuke wasn’t stopping and it was starting to have an effect now that Naruto couldn’t control.

“Sasuke, hey—”

“It feels really good.”

_**What?** —what’s **that** supposed to mean?—_

Sasuke just wasn’t stopping. He stuttered, dropping his hips hard again. Warmth blossomed to the tips of Naruto’s fingers and the peaks of his cheeks. He absolutely would not reciprocate but somehow the blood in his veins couldn’t seem to rationalize why he had to make his mouth move to form the words to tell him to stop, or why it was such a bad idea to just dangerously let Sasuke do what he liked, just a little bit longer, just this once—

_Because I can’t even pretend it doesn’t feel good to me too when—_

he could feel it on Sasuke too, the very same reason Naruto didn’t want to tell him to stop.

_So does this mean you don’t hate me?_

Naruto didn’t realize he was so caught up in it until Sasuke ripped himself away—stunned and still not quite sure, even when he heard Sasuke’s door shut and knew he wasn’t coming back—the cold feeling all over that wasn’t just the loss of body heat—

Sai opened the door. He didn’t see Naruto at first, lying in the dark lounge room.

“Naruto?”

Sai smiled at him and Naruto really wasn’t in the mood—

“Do you have an erection?”

—for Sai’s shit.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, Two Weeks, Five Days 

  


For the first few days afterwards, Naruto concentrated on behaving like his usual, obnoxious self around Sasuke. He glared at him in the same way he always had and Sasuke still stared through them all, treated him like something he had already disowned. No one noticed and not even Sai said anything. It should have been a comfort, to be ignored.

Naruto wasn’t particularly troubled by what had occurred. For sure, it had been surprising and awkward at first, getting off on a friend, but if enough of a stimulus were provided, then that was going to be the natural result. Basic human physiology told him that and Sasuke was apparently a very good stimulus. 

Under that cold and detached excuse, however, there was a big, black, spiky ball of inconsistency Naruto had avoided thinking about for as long as he had been carrying it around with him.

Naruto had told the lies long enough that whenever people asked him how he had the strength and drive to continue searching for and chasing after Sasuke all that time, he had started to believe them. That Sasuke was his best friend. That that was just what friends did for each other. That he had no right to become Hokage if he couldn’t save this one friend who needed him. The lies covered the real, tangled, scary reason Naruto had never been forced to think about before and still wouldn’t even now.

Naruto missed Sasuke. He missed the fighting and the rivalry and he missed neither of them really being able to best the other. He missed rolling around in the dirt and grubby palms smushed to his face and grinning when Sasuke hadn’t learned to block a move that allowed Naruto to get his hands on him. All of that had been okay and natural and normal and welcomed and _expected_ when they were twelve. That was why he had stayed in the lounge room long after he should have left.

But they weren’t twelve anymore. He didn’t think like he was twelve anymore. His body didn’t react like it was twelve anymore. For five years he only had his memories of Sasuke to give him hope and faith and he never wanted to replay the bad ones. He had to dig deeper, down to the inconsistency that was growing less and less inconsistent every time he saw Sasuke.

Sasuke must have planned for the fight to go funny because he was the one who had humped him enough times that it had given them both a boner. Naruto couldn’t forget _that_ feeling and he wasn’t going to deliberate Sasuke’s twisted mind for a reason he might have wanted to keep going. If it was just about _feeling really good_ , Naruto had magazines and tissues for that.

_I had no part in it. I hold no blame. I was just a helpless victim of the circumstances._

Because like everything else, it probably had something to do with being first, being stronger, being smarter, being Sasuke. If that was what Sasuke wanted and it made him better and Naruto didn’t _mind_ it—there were certainly worse things—then that was just what he had to do. And he did.

_Come home soon._

Naruto reasoned that shit happened and moved on. 

\--

That didn’t mean he couldn’t feel it. The one thing he wouldn’t think about.

_It felt nice to have you that close._

The only other thing he wouldn’t think about.

_It’s not like I couldn’t have pushed you off me if I had really wanted to._

The last thing he wouldn’t think about.

_Probably still wouldn’t fight it if it happened again._

Every thought he wouldn’t think about was immediately and ruthlessly eradicated. Obliterated. Annihilated. As they had always been. The only answer was that shit happened.

_Shit happens._

Naruto reasoned that shit happened and moved on.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Two Months, Three Weeks, Three Days 

  


Naruto was annoying on a normal day. He was even more annoying when he wouldn’t take no for an answer. The more he waved his report for Tsunade in Sakura’s face, the stronger she felt the burn of Sasuke’s gaze on her back. She couldn’t see him but she knew Sasuke’s attention, if not his eyes, wasn’t on the television anymore.

Naruto was still being pushy and loud and nattering away until Sakura gave in and told him she would check it even while eating just to get him to stop testing her kindness and to get the heat of the stare off her neck. She had barely waved her eyes over the paper doused in Naruto’s illegible, haystack scrawl before handing it back, telling him it was good, which didn’t matter anyway because he already thought it was and was fishing for empty compliments.

“Wanna come with this time?”

“I’m eating.”

“That’s okay, I’ll wait. So you coming? Huh? Come come come. Come _on~_ Co~me. CO~ME.” 

Sakura sighed. “Fine. If it’ll make you be quiet. But we have to come back straight away. I have things to do.” 

But Sakura wished she had declined instead when Naruto announced his glee by saying, “Sweet! It’s a date. You’d better put out.”

_Ah, Naruto, why do you do this to me?_

At least Naruto could laugh it off where she couldn’t respond for all the mortification she was feeling. His laughter should have shown he wasn’t serious, or she halfheartedly hoped it did when it was apparently too much.

“I think you should go with Sai.”

Sakura wasn’t as surprised as she thought she would be, staring down at her bowl and moving the spoon around distractingly. Naruto glanced over her head at Sasuke from whom the esteemed opinion had originated and she heard his anger huff out his mouth when glaring wasn’t going to be enough.

“Are you sure you can’t spare some time to go do some training afterwards? I’ve got this sudden urge to beat something up—”

“Go with Sai.”

Sasuke would not tolerate being ignored.

“No. I want to go with Sakura-chan and Sakura-chan wants to go with me.” 

They were gearing for another fight and Sakura didn’t want to be around for it, in the middle of it, the object that they fought over. Two stupid, blind boys. They couldn’t see her equal affection for the both them over the force of their rivalry and they just had to spit out their curses and threats until they tired of each other’s presence, until she tired of them being so immature, she had to stop it herself before it escalated.

“Naruto.” He was still frowning when he turned back to her, reaching out to his attention with that calming tone of hers. “Maybe it would be better if you went with Sai.”

Naruto choked and he couldn’t wipe away the shock quick enough for her not to see it— _Naruto, I’m so sorry_ —head filling with unspoken apologies and trying to convey them through her eyes but—he was _so_ blind. There was just enough elapsing silence for her to know, because she knew Naruto and his behaviour, that his next words that made a joke out of what she had said were the shield that protected the heart she was breaking. 

“I need some arm candy. Sai’s pretty but he doesn’t meet my high standards. Come with me, hey?”

Her heart hurt so much to turn him down more than once. Naruto’s smile dropped, heavy with distrust.

“What’s going on here? Are you two gonna like have sexytime while we’re away or something?”

“What? I really do have some stuff I need to finish for the hospital.”

“Like _what?_ ”

It didn’t matter what she said. Naruto’s face told her he knew they were all lies he strangled himself to believe because admitting they were lies was admitting _that she was lying to him_. He stormed out the door, completely defeated, telling her he would rather go alone than with Sai and Sakura’s sadness peaked in the slam of the door. 

\--

It was out in the open now. Sasuke had showed him the power he had to change Sakura’s mind with all of a few words. A sick, queasy feeling in his heart that even teasing and stupid jokes couldn’t remove. She had _ditched_ him in front of Sasuke this time and there had been nowhere to hide, nowhere he could go to pretend it wasn’t real.

_It’s me against him and you’re choosing **him**. _

_Why would you not want all of us to be together?_   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months 

  


The feeling was still there, days later.

Naruto didn’t understand. He thought things were supposed to be getting _better_. Sasuke was coming out of his room and spending tense time with them, eating with them in stark silence sometimes—wasn’t that a sign he was getting better? It had to be. If it wasn’t, it was all Naruto’s fault because _he_ wasn’t trying hard enough, because _he_ should have done more, because _he_ was supposed to be Sasuke’s best friend and the one he took all his shit out on. Not Sakura.

Sakura wasn’t the one who had persisted to scour the country looking for Sasuke. Sasuke was Naruto’s responsibility, his promise to keep.

_Why won’t you just tell us what you want? It’s not like we haven’t given you so much already._

Sakura and Sasuke were still acting strange around him—acting _worse_. It was a thought that didn’t leave him and it wasn’t Sasuke who was making it so troubling. Sasuke had always acted strange or he hadn’t been back home long enough for Naruto to work out what was normal for him yet—but that _Sakura_ , who he’d so far spent all of his teenage years with, matured with, and who he knew inside and out or _thought_ he did, had started acting differently in a way that was curious at first and then worrying—

He had spoken to her about it that once. She had been sheepish and ambiguous. She hadn’t argued against the charges he had laid against her behavior when he thought she would have, or _should_ have just for his sake.

Naruto didn’t have a family like normal people were born into. He had to be born first and then construct his family, and Sakura wasn’t his sister in that he could love her unconditionally because when she had dropped him hot for Sasuke, the jealousy had _stung_. He didn’t want to have to fight against Sasuke for her feelings _again_ —but he felt her absence when she wasn’t in the space Naruto had given her to occupy in his life. That was why he had—for _just once_ in his life, he had tried to talk about it before bigger problems started rising out of the smoke. It hadn’t gotten him anywhere and it was no wonder he found it easier just to wall himself up.

Naruto always seemed to lose to Sasuke no matter what the contest was but he didn’t want to fight over _people_.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Two Days 

  


Sasuke stared at the white marks on the bench beside the basin, brushing his teeth. He could always tell when Naruto had cleaned the bathroom because he did such a lazy job of it. Soapcake stains and toothpaste residue and scum still all around the taps. There were empty bottles of shampoo and someone’s hair in the drain and a vaseline container without its lid, open to the air. He spat into the sink and dried his mouth with a towel, looking into the mirror around the fingerprints at the reflection of himself.

_Am I making you nervous, Naruto?_

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. six

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# six

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Six Days 

  


Naruto hated it when it was his turn to do Sasuke’s washing. He put it off by kicking the washing basket around the apartment, watching television, fossicking for something that wasn’t rotten or expired in the fridge, looking at books but not having the patience to read them, wandering into Sai’s room to see what weird things he kept, lying on the carpet in his room and lamenting having to do _anything_ for that bastard that wasn’t a good kick in the teeth.

But having to do Sasuke’s washing turned out to be the best excuse he had ever had to break down his door and legitimately piss the shit out of him. As long as Sasuke’s mood wasn’t—

Sasuke was still sleeping. Naruto didn’t care or consider why since it was less work for him if he couldn’t wash the bedsheets. He surveyed the room for dropped items of clothing and found, in his search, that everything, or what little of _everything_ Sasuke owned, was already dusted and ordered and infuriatingly perfect.

 _You’re the kind of person who can’t draw lines without a ruler_ —touching and turning and moving around everything on Sasuke’s desk— _who only uses one side of an eraser_ —and not trying to be sneaky or quiet about it— _has to have every pencil facing the same way_ —just to cause some disorganisation. But Sasuke wasn’t waking up and Naruto—was just—too curious and too blind and too stupid—

Sasuke was still asleep. Maybe. Probably not after all the noise he had caused but he wasn’t stirring at least. When Naruto moved closer he thought—Sasuke still looked a little bit peaceful, on his side curled into the blankets—

“—the hell are you looking at?”

Naruto could hate himself a little for starting, not jumping but for not being able to hide the instinctive jolt when Sasuke’s eyes snapped open at him. The once calm slumber on his face—deepened into something too pleased at having caught Naruto red-handed.

_No games today, huh._

“Well?”

“Doing your washing.”

“So what’s that got to do with you touching all my stuff? Were you looking for something?”

Sasuke’s reaction to him just _looking_ around his room made Naruto so suspicious that he threatened to do a more thorough job the next time—but that smile of Sasuke’s didn’t shift when he thought it should have. Sasuke was thinking, thinking and _smiling_.

_I don’t like it when you smile._

“Washing, huh.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Where are Sakura and Sai?”

Naruto didn’t answer. The smile remained, and Naruto knew something was up when all the cunning in the world flooded into Sasuke’s face, into his body, into his movements as he slid out of bed. He watched Sasuke on the other side, looked away when he was shirtless and stretching and _smiling_ and _thinking_.

_You already knew they weren’t home._

_I should leave._

“I guess you need these sheets then.”

_But I miss you and we never talk anymore._

Sasuke was helping him. He was _helping_ him pull off the linen and Naruto couldn’t remember the last time they had ever done anything cooperatively together. Just changing the sheets without speaking, without _fighting_ like they always did and should have been doing. Naruto stared at Sasuke in his underwear, still wary and watching him and keeping his guard up, waiting for the inevitable fight that meant they weren’t so far apart anymore.

_I want this memory of us helping each other. Even if we end up fighting. Is that a good enough excuse to stay?_

Sasuke pushed the sheets, blankets, bedspread covering, pillowcases into a pile with his feet. Naruto bent to scoop them up and shook Sasuke’s hand off his arm when he grabbed it mistaking it for bedding.

“Let go, would you? That’s my arm.”

“I know.”

Snapping his head up—“Huh?—”

The hard jerk Sasuke gave his arm had Naruto stumbling for balance, the sheets catching in and between his feet and causing him to flail when gravity had its way—and when Sasuke had him pinned to the ground with a hand to his throat and his legs were forced apart—

_God, you don’t muck around, do you._

_Fuck._

Naruto didn’t know what to do. He still didn’t know what to do. The last time had started out stupid and nostalgic, fighting the way he knew and was used to with Sasuke, but there was never a time when Naruto remembered Sasuke ever being so brazen and determined to turn it into something more. That wasn’t like the Sasuke he remembered. Sasuke was—different.

_I knew this was going to happen._

_I knew and I still didn’t think about what I was going to do._

Naruto wasn’t going to look, wasn’t going to _touch_ Sasuke, hands on the carpet at his sides and his face angled at the bed base. Sasuke’s eyes never left him.

“Well?”

“Well _what?_ ”

“Aren’t you going to fight me?”

Naruto didn’t like what he was feeling between his legs. He really wanted to get the fuck out of the room now but Sasuke was just so warm and real and there with him and no stolen shirt was ever going to compare with the smell of the original.

_I wish you wouldn’t do this. You know I can’t fight you._

Naruto wouldn’t _look_ at Sasuke to see if he was still smiling when he dragged the neckline of Naruto’s shirt down and lowered his head. Sasuke’s hair brushed along his jaw when his face got too close. He clenched his fingers into fists to endure the heat of the breath on his neck, trapped the air in his lungs when he felt Sasuke’s teeth take in too much of his skin, his tongue—

“Get off.”

“No.”

_It doesn’t matter. This won’t hurt us. We’ve done this before and nothing really changed._

_It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay._

Naruto could be more stubborn than Sasuke. He already knew what it felt like to have Sasuke dip his hips and rub warmly against him. He had endured it once before and he would endure the sound of his best friend’s voice sighing into his ear, _biting_ his ear—

_I should kick you off._

_I want you to come home so bad._

Naruto took the chance while Sasuke was distracted and unguarded to ram his fist into his gut. Twice. He knew he had only a heartbeat’s space of time to make a move and he did, struggling to get up and push Sasuke—away from him, under him, _anywhere_ —inverting their positions with Sasuke’s fingers still embedded in his shirt. Fine. Naruto didn’t need the shirt, let Sasuke pull it off him—still too slow to stand with Sasuke’s legs _around_ him, pulling Naruto to his hips, and all Sasuke had to do was lunge at Naruto’s neck to drag him back into the embrace.

Naruto readied his fist for another blow, this time it would be at Sasuke’s face with that clever mouth—but he only had fear to comfort him when he painfully _couldn’t_ , seeing Sasuke stare at him very close, half-lidded and seductive.

“Why are you doing this?” The question wasn’t loud or angry, just wholly confused.

Naruto’s skin prickled when Sasuke’s hands slid over his back, when fingers dug into his shoulder blades and pressed, only lightly, not enough to force him closer but enough that Naruto knew Sasuke wanted him to be.

“I’m just bored.”

“ _Bored?_ ” 

Sasuke wasn’t smiling anymore. He was beautiful and beneath him.

“ _ **Bored?**_ When you’re _bored_ you—read a book or watch TV or _fuck_ knows—you don’t—”

Naruto would blame Sasuke for not letting him finish, fist in his hair and _yanking_ him down. It wasn’t because he didn’t know what to call _this_ , whatever _this_ was that they were or weren’t doing. Giving it a name meant that was _exactly_ what they were doing and Naruto wasn’t sure he wanted to know or limit whatever he expected or hoped would happen—

_Wrong. It’s wrong, that’s what it is. We shouldn’t be—_

“Just do your fucking job, Naruto. Take care of me. If I say I want something, you have to _give it to me_.”

_You want—_

Sasuke was still every bit as arrogant and confident as Naruto remembered. He _still_ found a way to get whatever he wanted like it was his right. And worst of all, he still looked like the best friend Naruto remembered, just a little older, with the same dark eyes and pale skin and black, black hair and heart. Naruto hated to see it, hated seeing the old Sasuke in what they were doing. 

_I can’t fight you. And if this is what you want—_

One of Sasuke’s hands still in his hair, the other slowly skimming down his stomach to his pants. Naruto didn’t know where to look or what to do. He let Sasuke undo the button and pull down the zipper.

_It’s too late now._

Too late when Naruto started feeling the air curl over places that weren’t usually exposed, because if that was what Sasuke wanted—if that _had_ to be what he wanted— _is this what Sakura-chan is giving you too?_ —if that was what it took to make Sasuke come home—

_This won’t hurt us. This isn’t real. If this is what you want then—_

It had to be about the outside, the physical. It couldn’t be about emotion. It didn’t matter that they had a history, a friendship and a rivalry in the hazy past. It didn’t matter what they had seen together, shared together, suffered together. Whatever happened in the future didn’t matter either, not now anyway, not when they dissolved into nothing more than two bodies seeking a reprieve from the monotony, because that was what it was, that was what _Sasuke_ —Sasuke who had angled his legs high enough to pull his underwear out of the way—said it was, said he _wanted_.

_It doesn’t matter. It’ll be okay._

_We just won’t talk about it afterwards like all the rest of the things we refuse to talk about._

Sasuke’s hands clawed his back when Naruto thought he was getting it right—arching and sliding when it was almost—

“—wait what the fuck are you doing—?”

Was that a joke?

“— _get off me!_ ”

Naruto hadn’t been holding onto anything. He landed hard and stunned and his ego was just starting to bruise in time with his skin.

_I don’t—but you said you **wanted** —_

“You can’t just put it in! You’ve got to—do you even _know_ what you’ve got to do?” Sasuke’s voice was distant, muddy, taunting and _**laughing**_. “Oh, you’re not— _holy fucking **shit**_ — _are_ you? You mean—you and Sakura never—?”

Naruto had a lot of things he wanted to scream back at him, all of which included a hard, skull-shattering, mind-splattering blow to that fucker’s face but he knew Sasuke would catch it somehow, doubled over laughing, holding his sides, with his underwear still around his thighs. He had to be satisfied with smashing the door within an inch of its fibres on his way out.

Naruto punched his fist through the wall on the way to his room. He’d fix it later, along with everything else.

\--

Naruto didn’t even.

Couldn’t even.

\--

Merciful Sakura was wise enough not to ask too many questions about the hole. She could gather enough about Naruto’s black mood and the creative, profane way in which he described Sasuke that a particularly serious fight had prevented him from doing the washing she had asked him to do.

“You know, if you two just _tried_ to spend some time together—”

“That piece of rat shit can go fuck himself for all I care.”

She rolled her eyes, forgave him because she knew it would all blow over after a few days, and did the washing for him. If Sakura were being honest with herself, it was an almost sinister comfort to see them fighting. As much as she hated it and as deadly as the atmosphere in the apartment became, at least they were _interacting_. It had worked out when they were genin. It would work out now. Maybe.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, One Week, One Day 

  


Naruto fought with a little more vigour against Kakashi and Yamato. He didn’t win or lose any more often than normal but he felt like he put more into the fight when it was quicker for him to win and longer for him to lose. Kakashi was too knowledgeable or just plain too uninterested in the well-worn dynamics between Naruto and Sasuke to need to ask the reason for the particularly sudden burst of energy. He watched Naruto with that one lazy eye and if Naruto wouldn’t say anything first then he didn’t really care to start it.

“Kakashi-sensei!”

Sometimes he really hated his name.

“Can you get me some more alcohol?”

Kakashi watched Naruto’s face. He had asked without a smile, without joy. Naruto wasn’t planning a party like he had the last time he had asked for a favour—he had bounced around and described the gathering that Kakashi wasn’t even invited to but this time—this request was made out of desperation.

“I need a lot. I think the fox has a really high tolerance.”

_You’re not a very good liar, Naruto._

“No.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, One Week, Three Days 

  


Against her better judgment, Sakura put Naruto in charge of the groceries. Someone with so much experience living alone had to be trustworthy with a shopping list. She handed him the piece of paper and pleaded with him, emphatically, to buy exactly what she had written down and only what she had written down.

_Anything to get me out of here._

“I will shred through this list like the approaching storm, don’t you worry,” Naruto promised, shooting her a thumbs-up and a cheeky poke of his tongue to make her smile.

Once outside under dark cloud-cover, Naruto tried affecting the performance again. He checked his reflection in passing windows, holding his thumb up and poking his tongue out again.

_Hmm. I look weird when I overdo it._

Colourful rows of tents came into view. Naruto smelt the drying seafood before anything else. He reached into his pocket for the list—cringing and clenching his eyes shut, sighing when only fluff filled his fingers.

_Well. Guess I’ll be making the decisions about what we eat this week._

Crowds of people fed Naruto’s extroversion and put him in a better mood after deep enough lungfuls of open air. The markets hummed with conversations about the harvests, the kindness of the rains that year, the upcoming holidays, the health of their inlaws. Somewhere, someone was cooking beef or pork—and either one would do. Naruto let his nose lead him to a barbeque and a plate of free samples.

“Naruto, hold on and I’ll be right with you,” the butcher said.

Four children were hanging around in front of the stall. Three of them he instantly knew were related: two were twins and the older one bore such an unfathomable resemblance, there was no doubt he was their brother. The last, a girl, was the tallest, yet she kept referring to her friends as _older brother_.

“Off you kids go now. Go burn off some of that energy I’ve just given you. And make sure you tell your parents to come here.”

The children pushed off on scooters, already squealing and racing each other, and Naruto stepped in closer to look at the samples. The meat melted on his tongue, like it always did.

“What’s this?”

“Wagyu beef.”

Naruto couldn’t afford regular beef let alone that. He stepped into the shop and channelled his best assessment of the meats inside the display. “Could I get some pork belly?”

“Sure. How much do you want?”

The butcher weighed the meat and calculated the price. Naruto put on a charming smile that had the butcher looking bored, stealing the words from Naruto’s tongue before he had even inhaled the breath to speak them.

“I’ve never given you a discount before and I won’t be starting today.”

“Eyy, but I come here all the time and you know I only eat the best. Come on. Just this once. Just a little discount. Yeah?”

“I’m not giving you a discount on already discounted meat.”

“Just this once,” Naruto leaned on the glass display and adorned his best suave. “I know a lot of people who know a lot of people. I could make your shop a household name.”

“Look, I can’t even give _myself_ a discount when I have a kid over in the Land of Rivers trying to learn the secrets of their curry. Do you know how much an apprentice chef earns? Not nearly enough is how much.”

“I would really hate to take my business elsewhere.”

“Good luck. This is as cheap as you’re going to find anyway.”

Naruto sniffed and pushed away. He wandered to another butcher whose prices shook in him both horror and jealousy. Some people on the right side of fortune were paying way too much for delicious, local product.

“When can we go home?” a passing child complained to their father. Naruto glanced towards the family out of curiosity. “My feet hurt.”

The child was bored and tired. Their older sibling looked about the same but had accumulated enough in age to understand that the outing was a necessary burden.

“Do you want another tangerine?”

“I want to go home,” the child sulked crankily.

_Tangerines sound great right about now._

Naruto found his feet tracing a path to a fruit and vegetable seller. Tangerines were cheap and he could exchange a little bit of cash for a lot of them. He opened his frog-shaped coin purse. Sundried persimmons were another delicacy he couldn’t afford but the cherry tomatoes next to them, much like the tangerines, were plentiful and inexpensive. He knew Sasuke liked tomatoes. Or he had liked tomatoes when they were still young enough to speak to each other.

_I’ll treat you when you stop acting like a shit._

He bought the tangerines along with a bouquet of green onions. Another shop had fresh, warm squares of tofu. In between trades, he discovered a second and third butchery selling pork at prices higher than he was willing to pay. Damn that butcher was right and he knew it.

Naruto sat on an old tree stump away from the main bustle and threw tangerine peel in the gardens behind him. He assured himself that he had the restraint not to accidentally eat the whole bag while zoning out, watching the foot traffic pass by.

An elderly woman and her husband were sharing a tray of rice cakes. The man held the tray in one hand and the woman held his other arm. She was having trouble walking but the support of her husband and their slow stroll down the street looked to put them into their own little world.

_Wonder who my grandparents were. Hell, you could be my grandparents for all I know._

Yelling from the opposite direction had Naruto’s attention diverted to a middle-aged woman. The old couple turned around and the woman and her children walked quickly to catch up with them. They were happy to be among family.

Naruto turned his stare on a pair of boys, civilians around his age who looked to be students if the proper way they dressed was any indication. They crossed the street and walked into a teahouse, greeting more friends who were already gathered.

_How do people do it? It’s hard enough keeping one friendship together let alone—_

The glass windows blocked their chatter from Naruto’s ears but their laughter spilled out the door and onto the streets every time someone entered or exited the shop. They were having a good time, giggling and play-fighting over jokes and stories.

Naruto smiled when one of them slipped off the edge of a chair. Instead of surging into a rage, the boy just lay on the ground with his head thrown back, cackling at the situation. The friend who had nudged him too hard looked mortified and apologetic, holding a hand out to help him up that he accepted gratefully, still smiling and brushing the accident off.

_Must be nice._

“You.”

Naruto jerked his head at an old lady whose sour repulsion, spread into every corner of her face, told him all he needed to know about her fossilized memory of what he was and not who he was.

“I know you. You’re that demon fox kid, aren’t you.”

“Ah, no. That’s my cousin.” Naruto stretched his cheeks apart as wide as he could and squinted his eyes into the smile and dug his hands into the straps of his backpack. “Sorry to run but I’m late for, uh—something.”

“Do you know what the worst pain in the world is?” he heard her ask to his retreating back. She spoke low and too calmly, like a conversation, and those ones were the worst. “Outliving all three of your children.”

It had been a long time since he had felt such tremendous jitters in his fingers. Luckily there had been no one else close enough to get curious and question why, no parents around to suddenly have forced upon them the innocent stares of their sons and daughters and a talk they had never, ever asked to happen in public.

Naruto slipped into a busier teahouse just in time, looking back to make sure the lady hadn’t followed. An immediate and beautiful wall of aroma and the raucous din of full tables and life-long friendships made it hard to hear the thoughts in his head. The patrons were young and he was years beyond caring that he had to check. A waitress approached him and Naruto sent her off with an order of citron tea.

_Waitresses? This is a fancy place._

_Well I was never going to buy those tomatoes anyway._

“No, I swear you paid last time!”

“I still need to pay you back for buying me eggrolls last week. Remember?”

“I’m not going to ask you to pay me back for that when you’re too busy to buy lunch for yourself.”

“Then let me pay as my way of saying thank you.”

The first girl gave in, smiling warmly at her friend. Naruto turned away to look out the window, which was starting to dot and streak with raindrops, and then over at a scroll hanging on the wall. _What providence our meeting was_ , it read.

The tea came to him served in a ceramic cup with a saucer, spoon, and two tiny honey cookies. Naruto sipped the tea. It was hot and full of flavor.

_Definitely a fancy place. I’ll have no choice but to go back to that butcher at this rate._

Tea this expensive couldn’t be taken by the mouthful. Naruto made sure to memorise everything about it until the very last drop so that when the waitress took his payment and asked him how it was, he was able to tell her honestly:

“It was the best thing about my day.”

The air outside the teahouse had changed its smell. Fat raindrops and a stronger breeze had him hurrying back to the butcher. He shook his hair before re-entering and the butcher only had a smug smile for him when the exchange was made in silence.

Naruto stuffed the meat into his bag and ran out the door, zipping the bag back up at the same time as his feet pounded the footpath. The wind was blowing in fast and the raindrops were coming down hard enough to drown out the voices of people nearby. He didn’t have enough time to be stalling but—

Standing at the crossroads at the center of the marketplace and turning, stopping, hesitating again— _fuck it, I’m already wet anyway_ —growled out a sigh and ran—

“Just one tomato. How much is that?”

“Two for the whole basket.”

“How about just one?”

“Just one?” The farmer looked up at him from her stool under the cover of the tent, pushing back her wide-brimmed hat to bare the suntanned face of a skilled negotiator. “What do you suppose I do with the rest?”

“You can’t sell me just one? I only have…” Naruto looked at the single coin left in his purse. “Just this.”

The farmer smiled politely, kind refusal. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s for my best friend. He really loves tomatoes.”

“That’s nice.”

“He’s sick. And I think a tomato would really lift his spirits.”

“I hope he gets better soon.”

Drops of rainwater from the hairs at the back of his neck were starting to run down the line of his spine and the weather was only getting worse. Naruto decided to make a cut and bowed out of the barter.

Running through every shortcut he knew until the muted white walls of their apartment came into view through sheets of pouring rain.

_I really liked these shoes, too._

\--

Disorientated by the sudden storm and out of breath from the sprint across town, it was lucky Sakura had the sense to confine him to the kitchen. The puddle blooming at his feet was at least contained to one area now.

“You didn’t see Sai?”

“Sai?” Naruto slipped the bag off his shoulders.

“I sent him out to look for you with an umbrella.”

“When?”

“When it started spitting. The storm looked pretty black out there.”

Naruto muttered something in gratitude, turning around to pay attention to his damp backpack that was starting to smell like all the earth it had ever witnessed, and pulled out its contents.

_I avoided asking him to come out with me so you wouldn’t be alone. And now you’re telling me you willingly threw him out under such a weak pretext anyway?_

“What’s this?” Sakura picked up a clear bag of pulverised jelly.

“Ah, don’t worry about that. It all tastes the same in soup anyway.”

“Yeah but… what is it?”

“Tofu.”

Sakura made a critical sweep of the remains like she didn’t believe him. “But I didn’t ask you to buy any tofu.”

“Yeah… I left the list at home by accident.”

Sakura stared. “So why didn’t you come back for it then?”

“I’ll go out again tomorrow.”

“Do you have the money to?”

Naruto was wet and cold and tired and drained. He tried to look sheepish but it didn’t seem to be forgivable enough to have Sakura smiling back at him. “I’ll make soup.”

“Out of what, green onions and tangerines? Half of which I see you’ve already eaten. What else did you buy?” Sakura sorted through the bags. No comment at the end was her verdict, taking the groceries and opening the fridge.

Naruto watched, standing and staring, worried enough to ask without asking. “Did anything happen while I was away?”

“No? What do you mean?”

“You just look really pretty, like something good happened.”

Sakura might have intended to look annoyed but the sweet blush to her cheeks leaked her true opinions. “Nice try but that doesn’t work on me anymore. Go have a shower before you come down with something.”

“Yeah?” Naruto pressed once more. “You sure?”

“You’re just lucky I’m not sick of your bachelor chow yet,” she teased, avoiding an answer again. “Only you could come up with a recipe that involves more time ignoring the food while it boils than actually cooking it.”

Naruto knew that to ask again would be suspicious. And Sakura looked okay and she wasn’t angry and she was joking with him. He asked her for a fresh set of dry clothes and headed into the bathroom, ran warm water over his skin and stared at the wall.

 _Anything to get me out of here._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, One Week, Six Days 

  


Naruto kept tabs on Sai for a few days. He always left, at random times, without telling anyone where he was going. When Naruto confronted him about it, he said he went to the municipal library.

“They have comfortable chairs there and I can pick a new book out straight away if I don’t like the one I’m reading.”

“You should try reading at home.” Naruto didn’t have to be subtle around Sai. Sai took everything he said at face value. “So I can have someone to hang out with if I get bored.”

Sai borrowed out books and brought them back to the apartment. Naruto skimmed his eyes over the spines, reading the titles.

“You like romance, huh. Hope you aren’t trying to learn about relationships from them.”

“Some things are worthwhile learning. It’s not like there’s zero truth to them. But I know what you mean.”

Sasuke walked past the door at that moment, glancing inside. He was already gone by the time Naruto stood up but it was no less gratifying to slam the door in his wake.

“Are you okay?” Sai asked, maybe the first person to do so.

“Sorry. Don’t know my own strength.” Naruto sat back down in Sai’s desk chair and pulled the first book off the pile, turning it over to read the blurb. “I don’t know. I don’t really get the appeal.”

“I don’t know about other people but I like them because everything always works out in the end. It’s a really strange feeling, you know? Knowing that no matter what goes wrong in the story, things eventually turn out okay.”

 _Things are going to turn out okay_ —Naruto wanted to argue even though no one was asking— _you just have to ignore it for long enough and then you forget._

“It kind of makes me want to change how I view problems in my normal life,” Sai continued. “I should try believing that everything is going to turn out alright instead of always planning for bad outcomes.”

“Don’t do that. People get killed when you do that.”

“Yeah. I guess they do.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Two Weeks, One Day 

  


Enough time had passed that Naruto was able to manage the angry feeling in his head as soon as he woke up. He had blanked the thoughts for long enough and the distance time put between what had almost happened then and what he felt now made everything feel more surreal. Like it hadn’t happened or it had happened to someone else, like it was just one big, bad, blurry misunderstanding.

Naruto checked in with Sai’s plans and then he walked until he didn’t know how he got there, to a valley on the outskirts of the village where he could busy himself skimming pebbles along the surface of the stream. When the sun’s heat grew too much, he stripped off and waded into the water, trying to catch fish with a sharpened stick.

_Why can’t I catch anything? Is it the wrong season? I used to be so good at this._

Naruto gave up and plunged the stick into the water in frustration—and skewered a fish.

_That’d be right._

While waiting for the fish to cook, slowly and absently flipping it over a small fire, he found his gaze settled on the cloud-capped mountains in the distance and entertained wandering thoughts that asked him how it had gone so far that Sasuke had taken off his clothes.

Naruto checked the fish. Parts of it at the tail end still looked too flimsy. Maybe another few minutes closer to the fire, which wasn’t crackling loud enough to block out the sound of that _laugh_ —

That was enough. Whether or not it was the right time to be thinking about it, Naruto had blocked it out long enough that it was almost safe to touch. How come—

_How come you get to **laugh** when you’re the one who wanted—_

Frowning, the corners of his mouth dragged down, staring at the embers flickering around the flames. Would there ever be a right time to wonder why Sasuke had relaxed enough to allow another person into his space, to let _Naruto_ in so close they had almost—

_You were **lying**. You were lying, weren’t you._

His sigh let out the first of many, heavy wedges of confusion that had spent days seething in his head, and then suddenly, easily, like it was the right time to realise it: it all made sense. It was never going to happen, never had a chance of happening, because it was all just a game.

_You planned to laugh at me from the start._

_And it’s fine. You’ve done worse and I forgave you for those things too._

There was no one around this time to tell him the stupid, soothing words he needed to hear but the sun was warm on his back and he was used to Sasuke teasing him and taunting him and _mocking_ him and _**hurting**_ him. As long as it was him.

_Because what if you’re playing these games with Sakura-chan too?_

Naruto had no idea what was spoken before and after the silences whenever he entered the room but he prayed that Sasuke not hurt her. Sakura was so sweet and gentle and open and affectionate and he needed her to stay that way. If Sakura drowned too and Naruto had to make a choice about who to save—

Sakura was supposed to be good at reading people. She knew that Sasuke was still too sick to know what to do with peace when it was given to him because she had dragged Naruto into her room and told him so.

_So did you forget? Or are you still too in love with him to see it anymore?_

Before Sakura could crack in a way that Naruto would not, he had to protect her. The best possible outcome was that it all amounted to nothing, Sasuke got better, and they lived happily ever after.

Naruto pulled the fish close and assessed it, put it down on a rock and halved it, discarding the bones running through the centre. The flesh was soft and salty but it was hardly a meal and it filled up just enough of his stomach until he made it back to the apartment. Robust faith had blocked out the real issues, like it always did, and gave Naruto renewed strength to keep along the path that he had chosen to an indistinct horizon.

_I’ll save you, Sasuke. Because I’m the only one who can._

\--

Sakura was sitting at her desk working amongst a spread of papers. Naruto tapped out a quiet knock on her door so as not to startle her. “Have you had lunch yet?”

She turned around. “No, I haven’t actually. Are you making?”

“Only if you don’t mind fried rice and zucchini pancakes. Where’s Sai by the way?”

“Not sure. He went out somewhere earlier. Hey, you don’t think Sai has a secret girlfriend, do you?” Sakura smiled, little giggles. “I only lent him those corny romance novels of mine because he saw them on the shelf and asked about them. I didn’t mean to get him addicted.”

“He’s probably just bored like we all are.”

Naruto pushed away from Sakura’s door then and began exercising his wrists over a chopping board and a knife. While the pancakes fried in one pan and the rice mixture in another, he tried to think of another way to ask without asking. He worried about Sakura, about the time, about the things he had seen, about the things he _hadn’t_ seen. But nothing inspired came to mind this time and he had to settle for watching her bright eyes dazzle at him when he brought the meal to her.

“Did you make some for Sasuke-kun too?”

“Nope.”

So she divided hers. Cut it in half. Took it to Sasuke’s room and stayed in there longer than she should have and supplemented the rest with snacks and tea. Naruto had never felt so tight and aware.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Two Weeks, Four Days 

  


Sakura thought it was a bit silly that Naruto and Sasuke were still doing their very best to avoid having to interact in any way. She’d seen more mature behaviour from children half their age. While it worried her that Naruto had taken to leaving the apartment for extended periods of time, as it wasn’t yet causing an inconvenience for either her or Sai and both boys were still eating and sleeping, she didn’t see a need to get involved. They’d do the cold shoulder thing for a while and like magic, without any particular catalyst, they’d be at each other’s throats again. She’d figured out soon after being placed in a team with them that that was just their unique way of not killing each other.

The only thing she asked of Naruto was that he fixed the hole in the wall before their inspection.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Three Weeks 

  


Naruto grappled his toes on the door handle, hands occupied by chopsticks and a styrofoam container, and kicked the door open to a face who looked appropriately impressed by his welcome. He slurped the rest of the noodles into his mouth and took his foot off the door, dipping his head slightly into a courteous bow.

“Baachan?”

“Is this honestly how you answer the door?”

“Only on Sundays. What are you doing here?”

Tsunade closed the door softly behind her. “Can’t I come see you?”

“Not really. It’s always business.”

A quick glance at the surroundings gave her a good summary of the past months. She asked for a pair of indoor slippers and Naruto unbelievably kicked off the ones he was wearing. “I’m here first of all to check on you three and then Uchiha. I thought it was time I paid you a visit. The apartment looks… lived in.”

“It’s clean.”

“Yes, I’ve heard stories about your last place. I’m sure this is spotless in comparison,” Tsunade remarked more to the piling trash in front of the pantry. At least it was sorted for recycling. “You know it only takes one person to make it messy.”

“We clean once a week. You just came on a bad day. You know, the polite thing to do would have been to warn us.”

“I did, and I see this is the best you can give me. Try to clean as you go. It will make your life a lot easier.”

Naruto wandered away from her reproaches and busied himself taking the kettle to the sink. “Do you want some tea?”

“Green, if you have it. So how has it been?”

“Good.”

“Mm?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to elaborate a little more? And where are Sakura and Sai?”

Drips down the side sizzled and popped under the metal as the hotplate started to heat up. Naruto seemed to know what he was doing with teacups and a strainer put aside, and Tsunade couldn’t say this side of him didn’t impress her. “Probably in their rooms. Sakura-chan might be napping. She usually does. I don’t know what she gets tired from though.”

Tsunade could guess but she didn’t say anything. Naruto still had his back to her in the kitchen. “I see. And how have you been?”

“Good.”

“I know you said good.” Tsunade said, shifting into a chair at the table. “I was hoping for more than that, or am I left to assume that you won’t talk about Sasuke because it’s not actually good at all?”

Naruto would not show himself.

_Am I just that see-through or are you just that smart? I guess there’s a reason why you’re the Hokage._

_Still, a little **too** close to the truth—_

“He gets up. Does stuff. Shits me off. The usual.”

Tsunade knew that was probably all she could expect to get out of him and it worried her. She remembered her experiences as a genin, with Jiraiya and Orochimaru bickering like the children they were. But they were much younger then, like Naruto and Sasuke had been had been. It was when they grew up and Sasuke came back and Naruto countered the difficulties by being _evasive_ instead of whining to everyone that she worried.

_And probably with good reason too. Urgh, teenagers. Why would I ever expect anything more?_

“I don’t know, we don’t really do much. I think Sakura-chan wants to start a book club with Sai. I said they should start with cookbooks but she didn’t seem to like that suggestion. I wasn’t having a go at her food. It’s more for Sai’s benefit. Sakura-chan gets all her recipes from her mom so her food is always really good.”

“I see,” Tsunade hummed politely.

“Yeah. Oh and also, I keep falling asleep in front of the TV so the power bill could be kind of high this month. And I left the bathroom light on overnight a couple of times. And my desk light.”

“So you’ll be going on a couple of D-rank missions free of charge to make up for it, is that what you’re saying?”

Naruto decided he was done with talking too much and digging traps for himself, especially in front of a much more experienced opponent. “I thought you said we couldn’t do missions.”

“If I can break the rules for Sasuke, I can certainly do it for you.”

Naruto kept quiet after that and handed her the mug when he was done preparing the tea.

“Where’s Sasuke’s room?”

“That one.”

Tsunade wasn’t surprised when Naruto then disappeared into his own room rather than trying to hang about and eavesdrop on the details. She knocked quietly and opened the door. Sasuke glanced at her and dipped his head to show the minimum amount of respect he owed her for not killing him on sight, sitting straight and tall and wary, and Tsunade closed the door behind her.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Three Weeks, Three Days 

  


Naruto was a sucker, he knew that. It didn’t seem to matter what else was going on in his life. He always found himself back in his room, sitting on the ground, holding Sasuke’s shirt in his hands and breathing in.

Everything else he could ignore except that _laugh_. Just the sound of it coming from his best friend’s mouth made his teeth hurt, clenched together too tight. It made him open his eyes to escape it. It got into his head and pierced his heart until it ached and no amount of shaking it off seemed to make it shed.

But every time he heard Sasuke’s name, he still felt the same. He missed the friend he used to have. He wished he didn’t want to be friends or wished they could have been better friends or friends who treated each other with at least the bare amount of human consideration, or something. Because it felt like he was losing his family the more he tried to hold onto them.

_Just—just why did you have to **laugh**? Just hate hit fight scream spit—_

Naruto hid the shirt back under a folded pile of winter sweaters. He closed the drawer, stared unfocused, and turned around to see Sasuke open the door and walk into his room.

Naruto felt his whole being disappear like it was made of less substance than steam.

_You saw me—_

“What the fuck do you want?”

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing!”

“Are you busy?”

“Do I _look_ like I’m busy?”

Sasuke closed the door. And locked it. For a moment, the flick of the latch stole away Naruto’s alarm in place of confusion. They had stubbornly avoided each other for the past two weeks and now Sasuke, who hadn’t set foot in his room even once since moving in, was standing there with a cup of tea like he was just after a chat.

“What do you want?” Naruto asked again, more sceptical than angry this time.

Sasuke truly believed he was doing nothing wrong: an arrogance so strong it was child-like in its innocence. Naruto had a hideous view of it on his face when Sasuke crouched down in front of him and rested the cup on the floor. There wasn’t any tea; there was—cooking oil?

Sasuke said, “We’re going to get it right this time.”

Sasuke leaned forward. Naruto watched him do it, feeling his eyebrows bunch, as his body angled away instinctively. Sasuke was close now, unusually close, and he was smiling in that disquieting way he sometimes did. Black eyes ran the length of Naruto’s body from his face to his legs and back up; a survey.

Naruto sent out a succession of punches that met their end in the grasp of Sasuke’s palms— _how the fuck are you still so good when **I’m** the only one who does any training?_ —and when his hands weren’t doing the damage he needed them to, he snapped his leg out aimed at Sasuke’s face. But Sasuke caught that, too. He caught it, threw it over his shoulder and locked it in place between his neck and the bend of his elbow.

“Stop it—just _get out_ —”

“No,” said Sasuke.

The first of his fists deflected by Sasuke’s free arm, the second too, but Naruto got a hit through on the third to Sasuke’s unguarded gut that had the air blow out his lungs and into Naruto’s face.

Sasuke recovered fast. “Settle down. I didn’t come here to fight you.”

Naruto scorched lines on Sasuke’s skin with his fingernails, shook and jerked and kicked his leg from its hold. But Sasuke’s priorities were different. Even though he wasn’t able to block well with one hand, he wasn’t letting go, and Naruto was slipping further down.

Naruto went for Sasuke’s face again. A hit to his jaw, skimmed off when Sasuke turned his face just in time, turned his dark eyes greedy. Naruto grunted in surprise when Sasuke’s free hand mashed hard against his head, trapping him to the wardrobe behind.

“Settle down, Naruto.”

“Fucking _let go of my face_ —”

“Listen. It’s not you. Don’t make this personal.”

Sasuke grabbed his cheeks and turned his head so that Naruto could see—

“I don’t care about you. I’m not asking you to do anything. You just have to be alive.”

—just how intense and destructive and faithless he could be. Sasuke was scanning his face, looking for the anger and disgust that should have been there and Naruto saw the obsession in Sasuke’s eyes as it _burned_ because where there _wasn’t_ any of those things, there was only—

_You know just how to hurt me._

“I don’t want to fight this time. Just hold still and let me fuck you.”

_—and you hurt me **so much**._

Sasuke was in his face, watching him with eyes wide and feral-black when his hand slid under his shirt. Naruto pushed it away and Sasuke stared right into the weakness inside him and put the hand back on his stomach, trailing low and uncomfortable over his navel.

“Stop it—”

_Fight you. I have to fight you. You’re not stopping and I have to—I should—_

Sasuke looked down to shuffle forward and lean further in, holding Naruto back. Naruto turned his face away, a not quite flinch against the hand that pushed his other leg far enough out of the way that Sasuke could fit into the gap, close enough that Naruto knew Sasuke was already erect.

_No way would you ever—How did it even get to this? I can’t—can’t move—I’m lying, we can’t—_

Naruto didn’t know if Sasuke was wholly to blame for what was happening or if it was his own fault for doing nothing while things had spiralled so out of hand. It had been one thing to roll around on the couch but when it got _worse_ on the floor of Sasuke’s room and he _still_ ignored it, still did nothing and still refused to think about it—

But it was too late now. Sasuke had already pinned him down and put his mouth too close to his throat again, held his arm around Naruto’s waist and pulled him into his chest. Sasuke’s teeth were on his skin again, breathing and not quite biting.

_No it’s **not** too late—Fight back, fight—Stop lying and fight back—_

Naruto knew there was no such thing as _too late now_. He couldn’t let Sasuke do this, if that was really his intention. He had to fight back, push him away and get him out because it didn’t make any sense to let Sasuke do what he was going to do. But acknowledging that he still had time to fight back and he _wasn’t_ meant something more terrifying than anything else that was going on—

So Naruto shoved him.

“Get off me!”

And Sasuke drew back and retaliated with a lightning fist to his face so hard, the disorientation and wayward inertia knocked Naruto to the floor, drowning in the bright sunlight with the same hand that Sasuke had hit him with squashing his cheek into the carpet, legs still tangled on either side of Sasuke’s hips and twisted at his torso.

“Don’t be like this,” Sasuke drawled, too far away for it to matter. “You don’t strike me as the type to like it rough but I can be if you keep this up.”

It wasn’t the threat that made Naruto lie still while Sasuke pushed his shirt up and out of the way, although Naruto could tell by way that Sasuke’s weight softened on his face that Sasuke had read it as submission.

_That’s not it. Not even close._

Naruto had tried resisting. He had tried fighting. It wasn’t his fault what happened now. He’d already done all that he could.

_That’s not it either. Not even close._

Naruto knew why. He knew why he had let Sasuke get away with grinding against him not just once but twice. He knew why he was letting Sasuke get away with it for a _third_ time, why he was lying there on the ground, set stare on the gap under the door when the ANBU were just a shout in reach. He knew why and it sliced across his consciousness, the _inconsistency_ that he had never had a good enough reason to face up to before and _still_ didn’t want to, even now.

It was too much to say he was only there because that was what Sasuke wanted, the mantra and the pretence he had held onto so that he didn’t have to think about the inconsistency. Naruto didn’t mind fighting Sasuke, didn’t mind being the scapegoat that copped Sasuke’s ridicule and contempt but _this_ —this was a little _too_ selfless.

Naruto couldn’t say what it was— _lying again_ —that made their friendship so unlike anyone else’s, so _inconsistent_. Naruto was sure normal friends never found themselves together like this on the floor, warm and rough hands on his hips to steady the rocking. Sasuke was too close and his clothes weren’t letting the air in. The room was getting hot.

Naruto knew normal friends didn’t chase for five years. That was why the people he told had been so surprised when they found out how long Naruto had been running for. They weren’t surprised by his unbreakable commitment or his smile in the face of failure: what they were surprised by was his firm assertion that Sasuke was his _best friend_ —

 _Lies_ —

Sasuke’s fingers wandered too close onto the waistband of his pants, the elastic yielding, twice, snapping under the strength in Sasuke’s arms and shredded cotton the rest of the way. Cool air touched Naruto’s skin. Sasuke turned away to seek out the mug.

_I’m going to let you. You, the Sasuke who I remember._

Whoever that person was. Maybe Naruto would find out what they were to each other if they weren’t best friends if everything somehow managed to turn out okay after this, after they’d finished hurting each other, using each other and hopefully if they stopped just shy of actual destruction of each other, maybe then they could—

_I’m going to let you. It’s going to happen. And I know why—_

Naruto knew normal friends didn’t have the history they had. Normal friends didn’t do this. Normal friends never wanted—normal friends never _wanted_ —

Even if those feelings scared him to the core, even if there was still a chance that Sasuke was too cold and distant and cruel to follow through—even if it wasn’t then, even if it happened later, _again_ —staring at a fixed place on the wall when he felt Sasuke’s hand slick between his legs and into—

_I **know** why—_

Sasuke’s breath puffed above him; he could have been laughing, the strain in Naruto’s jaw when he couldn’t speak or swallow and felt with humiliating clarity—not just Sasuke’s fingers in and—

_I know why and **all I do is lie about it** —_

Naruto knew like he had known for years— _and ignoring it never made it go away_ —that Sasuke wasn’t his best friend and hadn’t been for a long time and the reason he—followed him and thought of him and believed in him and _let_ him and couldn’t hate him and _didn’t want to move_ was because—Sasuke _wasn’t_ his fucking best friend _at all_ because—

He was more.

_I hate this._

Sasuke was different.

_I hate that I can’t fight you._

Sasuke was special.

_I hate how much you hurt me._

Sasuke was Naruto’s strength and his weakness.

_I hate how I **lie** even to myself—your recognition and approval and all the rest of that **bullshit** —_

Sasuke pulled his hand free and Naruto winced, not with pain, not that kind of pain. Sasuke pulled his own pants down far enough that he could rub himself over with the remaining oil on his hand—

_I don’t want **any** of that—recognition, approval, I don’t want it, it’s all **lies** —lies lies **lies** —_

_What I want—_

“Thanks, by the way. In case I forget to say it later.”

_What I **want** —_

Sasuke was pulling at his legs and pushing him into something hard on the wardrobe but it didn’t matter, that uncomfortable angle in his shoulder didn’t matter. The bruises all over his dignity weren’t so bad when Naruto tensed and held his teeth together—

_What I want is you._

—as Sasuke pressed into him and he wondered if this was too much to give up _to_ Sasuke but not to give up _on_ him, whether the unnatural, stretching _pain_ when Sasuke grunted and pushed forward again would be worth it in the end just to be close to him.

Sasuke was breathing hot all over him, bending over Naruto’s chest, paused to shift and adjust the position when he couldn’t get in deep enough. Naruto held his breath in and held his eyes closed and held his hands down, at his sides on the floor and parted his mouth without a sound when Sasuke kept hurting, kept pushing, harder—

They’d find a way, somehow, to forgive each other for the things they were doing, for the things they had never said when they should have, things that could have prevented Sasuke from using Naruto and Naruto from looking to Sasuke for things that weren’t inside.

“God, you feel good. Why did we wait so long to do this?”

_Fuck you, Sasuke, just—fuck **you**._

It hurt—everything _hurt_ —it hurt so much he thought his heart couldn’t take it, not like this all at once, the awkward feeling of Sasuke _inside_ him, moving in and out of him and how it meant _**nothing**_ , that it _wasn’t personal_ and Sasuke _didn’t care_ and Naruto just had to _be alive_ —

Sasuke crouched over him, leaned down, head dropped and put his hands under Naruto’s hips for leverage. Naruto couldn’t hide how quickly he had inhaled—panicked—thought it was a fluke, flushed, thought—until Sasuke did it again and it _wasn’t_ —

_Fuck you, Sasuke, just—_

_Fuck—you—_

_Fuck—_

_**Fuck** —_

Sasuke was moving in a way Naruto had never seen him do before, making sounds he didn’t think he was capable of making, not Sasuke—not cold, proud Sasuke, snapping his hips and taking him fast and _groaning_ and each time the heat shot through him, he read into it things that didn’t exist between them. Things that, maybe, if they had been better friends and talked about shit every once in a while—things that they could have fixed properly instead of covering up the gaping holes in their friendship for a few minutes in his room.

_I want you to come home and maybe that’s too much for you to give up to me._

_We’re both— **completely** —_

Because he’d done nothing, Naruto knew he was going to—and worried that it wasn’t right, to give in to Sasuke who was shaking and anxious and pouring into his ears a voice louder than his own, to give in to his body because of something so hot and wrong and painfully unreciprocated—

Because of _Sasuke_ —his former comrade and rival and fuckhead best friend who, in his haze and idealism, could almost make him believe it _was_ personal, that it _was_ more than just being alive if Sasuke could make him feel so _good_ —

At the pulse of his release, he knew. He knew like he’d known for a long time. Sasuke was different. He was special. And warm. And whole. And real. And there. And that was enough. That was more than he probably had the right to ask for in return. Naruto closed his eyes, breathed under Sasuke and waited out the unsteady jerking until the callous laughter in his head was smothered by a better sound when _Sasuke_ —when _Uchiha **Sasuke**_ —

_So did you get what you wanted?_

_Shit happens._

Sasuke dragged the last of his out and sat back, letting go, breathing and recovering, lifted his head and opened his eyes and stared at Naruto with a distant awe. Naruto put the heels of his feet back on the ground. It was over.

But Sasuke, somehow, still wasn’t finished. Naruto was so on-edge to the way Sasuke crawled over him that he held his breath in case he needed to react—but Sasuke just grabbed his hair and used it to pull his head away so that he could lick the saltiness from Naruto’s cheek up to his ear where in nothing above a whisper, he said:

“I knew you’d let me.”

and sometimes Naruto just couldn’t believe Sasuke’s fucking _**audacity**_.

Sasuke laughed softly in the winded silence, mouth and voice still close and hot and arrogant. “Don’t worry. They wouldn’t have heard.”

“Naruto?”—killed himself against the knocking at his door—“Are you in there?”

“—ghuh?”

“Is Sasuke-kun in there with you too? Because his door is open and he’s not there or anywhere else in the apartment…”

“I’m here. We’re just hanging out.”

Naruto only thought it because he was so distressed and angry—that Sakura must have been the _stupidest_ person in the world to have ever believed such impossible fucking _**bullshit**_.

“Oh, no that’s cool. Well Naruto, when you have time, come to my room because I’ve got some really good news to tell you!”

Sasuke couldn’t discard him quick enough. Naruto stared tight-lipped at the ceiling and when Sasuke told him he was sorry for ripping his clothes, he answered with a finger where his mouth wouldn’t move. 

_Fuck everything._

\--

Sasuke fell onto his bed, crawled into the pillows and held them to his chest, curled deeper into them and stared at the wall and out the window. He calculated the speed of the clouds across the sky, picked out random shapes and watched the birds flit between trees and distracted himself just enough that he didn’t _burst apart **laughing**_ —

_I **fucked** you—I fucked you, you stupid dobe, I did and you **let** me—_

He had walked from Naruto’s room with his pants mostly decent, drawstring still untied and shirt sticky and soiled and knowing he had all the power in the world, that no one was going to catch him— _not now not **ever**_ —not in the short space across the hall between his room and Naruto’s. Sasuke clutched more securely at the pillows, shaking with contained hysterics and grasping the blanket at his fingertips and panting through delirium so _potent_ —

_How **much** , huh? How much can you take—where’s your **limit** —I’ll find it, Naruto, I will and then you’ll have to **hate me** —_

It fluttered in his stomach, the knowledge, bubbled in his chest along with a deeper, more frenzied, more manic feeling that he had to suffocate and put aside for later— _I can be patient, I can, I’ll wait_ —and it was enough for the moment just to grin and _smile_ , wide and wild and bitter and broken—

_**Ignoring** you didn’t work and **threatening** you didn’t work and **teasing** you and **fighting** you and **beating** you and **hurting** you **didn’t work** —_

Sasuke steadied himself, relaxed his grip just a little. It wouldn’t do to get too excited. He had to be careful and he couldn’t be careful when his mind was racing with one all-consuming idea about how to—

_**Break you** —I’ll break you, Naruto, I’ll fucking **break** you—_

_I’ll fuck you again—you know I will, stupid dobe, and you know you can’t say no—I’m the only one who can—I’ll **break** you get you hurt you fight you crush you **break you** and I’m the **only one** who can because—_

_**you’re mine** —_

\--

“Hey, you said you had some good news?”

Sakura swivelled around on her chair and beckoned Naruto into her room, giddy and happy and he was thankful when it permeated through his skin, through to his heart that needed it in excess. He wandered around her room, disturbing and fiddling with everything that crossed paths with his gaze so she wouldn’t have a chance to see the mask over his face.

“Oh yeah, you bet! It’s the best!” She giggled behind her hand when her glee was making her embarrassed. “I was talking to Shishou today and she said Sasuke-kun might be allowed to go outside sometime—but only if he keeps getting better and definitely not right now. But one day!” 

Naruto flinched— _Tsunade-baachan thinks Sasuke’s getting better?_

“Can you imagine it though? I might get my wish to go with him to festivals after all!”

And turned to her when the shock had been swallowed whole—

_You’re **so** happy right now. I’d do it again—_

_So who’s more messed up now: me or him?_

“That’s great.”

Maybe he was doing something right. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad, if he just gave in to Sasuke sometimes. It wasn’t affecting Sakura like it was affecting him— _am I making it out to be more than it is?_ —if Sakura could sometimes smile despite what Sasuke did with her, if she were telling herself Sasuke needed her like this so much she made herself believe it—if giving up to Sasuke meant he could see her smile again after so long—

“Hey, it’s good that you and Sasuke-kun aren’t fighting anymore. It’s kind of awkward for me too, you know? Because I want to hang out with the both of you but not if you’re just going to yell at each other.”

Naruto laughed, uneasily, at the floor.

“Yeah. Sorry about that. Sasuke’s a dick sometimes.” 

It didn’t matter if Sakura told him words like that were exactly the reason they fought. Because it wasn’t.

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	8. seven

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# seven

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Three Months, Three Weeks, Four Days 

  


_I can’t sleep._

Naruto slipped into limbo only to be dragged back into the conscious world by a head that wouldn’t rest and a heart that reacted to his memory’s cinema. Every angle of his body on the mattress was uncomfortable, his shirt was in the way, the pillow made his ears ring—but there was one way he knew to force himself to sleep.

Midnight air blew ripples through the training fields. Naruto breathed it, held it in his lungs, and expelled the coolness up through the centre of his chest and out through his nose. He brought his fingers together, and with a puff of smoke, a band of bunshin erupted in front of him.

“You’ve got five minutes to assemble as many targets as you can. Loser gets dispelled.”

In the end, one poor chakra mould with his face didn’t look pleased by its fate.

Naruto accidentally punched his fist through the first log dummy. The wood wasn’t as strong as he had given it credit for. If he wanted to have any success at endurance, he was going to have to learn how to make the wood rattle but not forfeit its shape. It took five more dummies to get it right and then Naruto was able to zone out to the repetitive smacking of his knuckles against the timber.

In one space, he tallied the hits to a thousand. In the other, he gave in to his thoughts if only to get rid of them.

_We had sex and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it._

The rough logs grazed his skin, faint and fine enough that the fox took care of the sutures before the next round. Apart from the sigh of the breeze through the tree leaves, only the bunshin beside him mimicking his training with a rhythmic _thud-thud_ disturbed the silence.

_I have no idea why I let you and yet I know exactly why I let you._

_Did I do the wrong thing? Did I do something bad?_

These were the spun-circle of thoughts that had prevented Naruto from doing more than dozing. Sometimes he wanted to cancel them out, stop giving them attention, because thinking them wasn’t going to change the past anyway. Sometimes he allowed them because after long enough he was bound to feel too nauseous to bother with them. 

Both ended at the same conclusion, to confess, but sometimes in the weaker moments of his wonderings, Naruto wasn’t sure if anyone would believe him even if he told them. If anyone would believe that he had just lay there and let it happen, with no evidence of the act except for his word and a dark stain in his carpet to remind him that three times wasn’t an accident anymore, with Uchiha Sasuke of all people.

_But that’s what you wanted. That’s what you said._

_Still kind of feels like a part of it was my own fault though._

Numbed hands put through a final strike that broke the wood apart. The bunshin followed his lead to a flurried crack of chips and splinters, and Naruto stared into the black backdrop of mountains in the distance while waiting for the next idea to arrive.

“I’ll race you,” one of the bunshin suggested. Another sprinted off, needing to hear no more than the gentle chime of a challenge, and the rest chased after it to a holler of _get back here! cheater! gonna catch you and kick your ass!_ Naruto followed, gouging dirt and grass at the take-off, and pounded out a familiar perimeter around the field in pursuit of the mob.

_I got off on it. That’s the problem._

_Complicated._

_So what has Sakura-chan been doing?_

If there was something going on, Naruto hoped it was different, even if he didn’t feel good or right about it. Because if Sasuke cared about _her_ , if there was something personal between _them_ —even if he didn’t feel good or right about letting her be with someone who was so unstable, Naruto would keep the secret to the last exhalation of his life if it meant Sasuke stayed and got better.

_I have no idea why you thought that doing that with me was the best thing to do. But then again I have no idea what you’re thinking anyway._

_All we want is for you to be safe and happy and here._

The bunshin were really grinding all the stamina their legs had to offer. If Naruto wasn’t leaking a constant stream of toxins into his blood from the force of his exertions, he had no hope of matching them, let alone outrunning them.

Through the wind-cut streaks of tears pulled from his eyes and the heaves of his lungs for breath that he wouldn’t yet grant, Naruto thought the only thing that really mattered. Not the worry that he had done something he wasn’t supposed to do, not the regret that he had made the wrong choice under such confronting circumstances, and not the shame that some of it had felt, for better or worse, undeniably good. What he needed to know was:

_What am I going to do if it happens again?_

Naruto stopped running. He couldn’t tell where on his body it hurt the most anymore. He keeled and curled over on the grass beside the track and dispelled the bunshin, and immediately the muscle fatigue, the overthinking, and the weight of exhaustion hit at once. 

_Perfect._

He rested for a few minutes and then dragged aching bones home to soothe under a hot shower. The warm water and washed tension pulled his eyelids shut, making it so that his head couldn’t hold together a long enough string of thought to stop him from yielding to sleep the second he was horizontal on his bed.

\--

Rain pitter-patters, ticking clocks and light drum beats. That was what Naruto would remember of his dreams before the colors faded and the voices stirred, blurred, and disappeared, and he woke to curtains bordered by light. He had slept until morning.

The tapping continued though from somewhere outside. Naruto turned and kicked at the curtains, focusing enough through sleep-heavy eyes to make out the dark mask and familiar crouch of his teacher.

“Kakashi-sensei?” Naruto turned away from the brightness as Kakashi pulled the screen back and sat on his windowsill. “What time is it?”

“Time for you to go on a mission!” Kakashi said merrily. “Tsunade-sama sent me. She thinks you’re avoiding her because of the damage you did to the city’s water supply.”

“Water? I thought it was electricity.”

“Oh, so you _do_ remember what you’re in trouble for.”

Naruto pressed his pillow to his face to better ignore Kakashi’s teasing. Maybe he was outwitted by the fuzz in his brain, maybe he would have fallen for it anyway. “Alright. I get it. I’ll go see Baachan later.”

“Weeds thrive after rain. I don’t know if you know that. And the Hokage Tower has a lot of gardens.” Kakashi’s happiness at explaining the task grated against the silence that Naruto had never craved more than he did now. “Unless you still want to be pulling them at this time tomorrow, I suggest you get up and get started.”

Naruto sighed, the starfished outline of his body visible through the sheets. Kakashi watched the pillow jiggle on Naruto’s face when he mumbled his acquiescence.

“Alright. I’ll get up.”

\--

“Naruto,” Sai’s voice pulled him from sleep this time. “Kakashi-senpai is here. He said he has a duty to make sure you go do your mission.”

Naruto rolled himself out of bed this time. A crease-resistant shirt and a brush through his hair made him presentable enough to be seen in public. He splashed his face with cold water to clear out the last of the fog in his head and tried not to look so haggardly bored at the thought of work before he had even started.

“Do you remember what I said to you this morning?”

“Yeah. Uh…”

“You’ll be cleaning up the gardens around the Hokage Tower,” Kakashi said, and then glanced at Sai. “And you might want to bring a friend otherwise you’ll be there all day.”

Naruto glanced at Sai too, who would have said yes had he asked.

“It’s okay. I should take responsibility for my mistakes. Can you stay here and make lunch and dinner instead?”

Sai had no issues with that. Naruto watched him carefully and tried to silently will this kid to read between the lines for once in his life. His last instructions before he followed Kakashi out the door were to send Sakura to find him when the food was ready.

\--

Naruto realized too late that in the wintertime there were no weeds to pull and no leaves to clear. He tasked his frozen, gloved fingers to picking up fallen twigs, bark, and other things the wind had invited overnight, and kept surveillance on the only other gardener who worked the opposite lawns. Too far away for conversation.

Clearer in the daytime on half a night’s rest, Naruto decided.

_It was a stupid thing to do._

Eyelids tried to squeeze the regret out in unguarded moments, long sighs pushed forward by the weight of a memory that was a burden to carry. Under pressure from embarrassment, Naruto wanted to find an excuse for his mistake, because that was what it was. A mistake. A lapse in judgment that he wasn’t known for anyway. A slip-up that was only forgivable once.

It hurt to think about. Weaknesses he thought resided only in his heart apparently lived in every cell of his body. A culmination of nostalgic feelings and a case of very bad timing.

_You were inside me._

Sigh fogging the air in front of him.

_Complicated._

\--

Sakura never showed up. Naruto walked home with his back to the afternoon sun to find Sai lying flat on his stomach on the carpet in the lounge room reading a book and nothing on the stove. He stood in the light of the window, darkening the pages of Sai’s book with his shadow, and Sai turned to stare up at him in sickly, doe-eyed innocence.

“How come you haven’t started lunch yet?”

“I did but I burnt the noodles. Sakura went out to buy more.”

Naruto’s brows crinkled in distrust of his ears. “You burnt the noodles?”

Sai hummed confirmation in the wrong tone, and when asked exactly how he managed to burn _noodles_ , he just shrugged, which did nothing to fill Naruto’s stomach.

“Well okay, so you burnt the noodles. What about the rest of lunch?”

“That was lunch.”

“Are you kidding me?” Fatigue and hunger were working against Naruto’s filter. “Nevermind. I’ll just see what leftovers we have until Sakura-chan gets back.” 

Naruto walked away from Sai’s curiosity and into the kitchen. There was just enough rice still warming in the cooker to put into a bowl and stir through a couple of drops of sesame oil. He put the first spoonful in his mouth to the sound of clambered footsteps up the stairs. Sakura opened the door, panting.

“Naruto! There you are! I was looking for you. I thought you were supposed to be at the Hokage Tower.”

“I got hungry.”

“Yeah, sorry about that!” Sakura flicked off her shoes with practiced ease and scuttled across the kitchen with a bag of groceries. “I ran into Ino at the fish market. That girl does not stop talking. Hey, don’t eat too much. I’ll be done in a moment.”

Much to Naruto’s relief, Sakura stirred together a quick-and-dirty soup to go with the noodles and grilled fish: a spoonful of soy sauce added to hot water and a sprinkle of sesame seeds and dried seaweed. But the smell of cooking pulled Sasuke out of his room too, and the only time Naruto made eye contact with him, he just looked so goddamn _satisfied_ —

It didn’t matter. It was only the next day. The hot and awkward feeling that sent his stomach into a somersault was expected. Appropriate. And only transitory. One day they were going to look back as old men and laugh about it anyway— _remember what we used to do? yeah, that was a crazy time_ —because Sasuke was getting better and it couldn’t go on forever, had to stop somewhere.

_Just need to give it a little more time._

_This doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months 

  


Naruto was determined to be stronger when Sasuke came to him again, house empty and alone against the black eyes that filled his vision. His fist tightened under his pillow, the line of his mouth flattening and thinning and if Sasuke didn’t back off, wouldn’t stop pushing him down, pinning him down and squashing his cheek into the bed—

“I said _fuck **off**!_ ”

Sasuke’s hair was in his grip, pulled it as hard as he could and expected the blow of Sasuke’s fist to his chest when it was the only way to make him let go, black strands affixed to his sweaty palms and Sasuke was _still_ expectant, still hovering all over him.

“What’s wrong with you today?”

“With _me?_ ” Naruto dared not try to kick him this time but he sat up and Sasuke moved back. “ _You_ are so _fucked **up**_.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

Naruto couldn’t tell how distant Sasuke meant by his deliberately ambiguous _leave_ , the room or the apartment or completely out of Naruto’s life— _don’t you even **tease** me_ —and the expression on Sasuke’s face was oh so _divine_ like it were the most natural thing in the world, to alleviate boredom with sex—

“I don’t care where you go!” Naruto shouted.

_I don’t mean that._

“You don’t mean that,” Sasuke countered.

Naruto breathed and left his gaze on the ground. Five years apart and Sasuke still read him so easily, could see it in his face that he didn’t mean it and never would, never had, that Sasuke could do _almost_ anything, including sex, and Naruto would still be content with the knowledge that Sasuke was _there_ when he woke up in the morning.

“You’re too tense. What’s your problem? It doesn’t mean anything.”

_To you, maybe._

“You know what?” Naruto snapped back. “I _still_ believe in you but this… _shell_ that just looks like you isn’t what I fought for.”

Naruto wouldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t know how Sasuke was reacting when he wasn’t saying anything. Not even his hands were moving and Naruto couldn’t hear him laughing or growling or living. Sasuke was just standing at his bedside and all Naruto could do when he couldn’t fix the problems was brace himself for the conceited, hurtful reply—

“I don’t need _you_ to tell me what kind of horrible person I am.”

in a voice low and pure and incredibly far away.

“You think I planned life to be this way?”

_Sasuke—!_

“You say it like you think I don’t already know.”

Naruto looked up and Sasuke grabbed his shirt, threw him into the wall and held him there with both hands. Sasuke wasn’t scowling. He was _real_ again and twelve again and Naruto knew that face, that _look_ —of being hesitant and affected and trapped by the silence that the words inside wouldn’t break. Naruto saw—he _saw_ Sasuke—the old one he thought had long ago died before he could save him. And then there it was:

“I hate myself for what I’ve done.”

_But you don’t have to do this—_

_I can fix you, I know I can! Just give me a chance to—_

“Is that what you want to hear?”

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed with an unholy smile the old Sasuke never had, watching in Naruto’s face for the sweet moment when he realized he had peaked his hope too soon, the nightmare that came with wanting to believe in something so much that the simple sigh to complement the cracking inside was far more destructive than any physical pain Sasuke could inflict.

_—you’re **breaking** , Naruto, you’re breaking and it’s **all my fault** —_  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Three Days 

  


The longer Naruto waited, the harder the words were to say, the more he wondered whether he even had to say something at all, the easier it became to convince himself that if he just waited a little bit longer, things would start to sort themselves out on their own.

_Even if the weight in my chest won’t seem to go away._

_I need to get out, get some fresh air._

\--

The smell of soy sauce and beef broth wafted out from under the Ichiraku shop curtains, luring anyone with a weak will and an empty stomach into the promise of a good meal. Naruto walked with a smile and single-minded purpose until he was seated and grinning at the gentle face of the shop’s owner.

“Naruto! To what do I owe this pleasure? I was starting to wonder where you went.”

“My diet these days has been severely lacking in ramen.”

Teuchi already knew this by the amount of time Naruto’s stare spent nailed to the menu board. “Hold on and I’ll be with you in a moment. The usual?”

“With extra pork—”

“And both egg halves. I know. Hang on.”

Naruto felt a burst of good anticipation in his chest. Teuchi seemed to be busy with the orders of the other customers: two merchants whose attire made them stand out as visitors to Konoha. Their discussion was too quiet for Naruto to overhear but from their walled and stoic expressions, he guessed it was either business or death.

After Teuchi set bowls in front of the merchants and started on his order, Naruto tracked the chef’s movements with fine-honed focus until his attention was hooked into conversation.

“Did you get sent on a long mission? I haven’t seen you for a while.”

Naruto supposed it was a kind of a mission. Missions were expected to have a successful outcome. Team 7 was involved. Even if he didn’t go into details, even if he said the mission was based in Konoha—even if he said he was taking care of an orphan, which wasn’t a lie, or guarding a criminal, which would imply enough non-disclosure to kill the conversation and Teuchi would understand—

_Avoiding things hasn’t been going so great for me but—_

_would it be so bad if I just didn’t talk about you for a day?_

Naruto smiled looking down, embarrassed, like a child. This much he could pretend, passing it off as generally being busy, and the lightness of relief when Teuchi didn’t press him further made him feel accomplished.

“Well, absence does make the food taste better… or something like that,” Teuchi offered amicably. “I heard there are fireworks tonight. Are you going to go watch them?”

“There are fireworks tonight?”

“Yeah, some little thing going on over near the Yamanaka Florist, I heard, a scholar’s circle celebrating something or other. You live on the western side don’t you?”

For all his prowess on the field, there was a reason the tactician’s work was left up to people like Shikamaru. Naruto stared a little confused, because he didn’t live there anymore, and almost pulled the thread that would have unravelled a tale of things he didn’t want to discuss, in the middle of the day, with people who couldn’t help him anyway. Instead he caught himself just in time with only a heartbeat’s pause of hesitation, confirming the assumption with a nod.

“You should be able to see them quite clearly then.”

Naruto’s gaze wandered. “I’ll watch out for them.”

_That makes sense. That must be what those merchants are doing here then._

When the chef placed the bowl in front of him, Naruto carefully extracted the yoke out of one of the egg halves and ate it. Then he used the empty dome of the leftover eggwhite as a makeshift spoon and took his first, delicious mouthful, better than anything his imagination could taste.

The food was exactly what he need. There was no possibility of any other conclusion. It fed memories. It gave him strength.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Six Days 

  


If their walls were thin between rooms, they were just as thin between apartments. Sakura put up with the buzz of the television because if Naruto weren’t in front of it, he would be in front of her, pestering her and preventing her from doing any work. The noise was distracting sometimes but at least she made progress, in the daylight when he mind was most active.

But after dark, late at night, when Sakura was tired, when the heavy footfall of the adults in the apartment above ceased and the galloping of their children across the ceiling silenced, the volume from the television started to border on being too loud for neighbourly tolerance.

The light from the television screen revealed her entrance into the living room. Naruto glanced up at her, lying outstretched on the couch, and turned the volume down before she even had to say anything.

“I’m surprised you’re not asleep,” Sakura commented, moving further into the room to sit on one of the armrests. Naruto looked too comfortable on his back for her to want to disturb him and tell him to move over.

“Yeah, well…” yawning, “gardening sucks so…”

“What are we watching?”

“Um. Just some local broadcast, I think. Did you know there was a festival the other day?”

“Yeah. I heard about it from Ino.”

“Looked pretty nice on tv.”

Sakura slipped her eyes over in Naruto’s direction. He had his arms crossed over his chest, for warmth, maybe, or maybe he was getting into position for sleep. His eyelids certainly seemed to be demanding it.

“You know, you should ask Sasuke-kun to hang out with you and Sai more. I think he’d like that.”

Naruto snorted air through his nose in laughter on first reaction, crinkling his nose afterwards, but the unconvinced and wiry smile remained. “Does he even know who Sai is?”

“That’s what I mean. I think they need someone in the middle until they get to know each other.”

“You’re in the middle too.”

 _But not in the way that you are_ , she wanted to tell him. Naruto’s blue irises were barely visible under his dark and heavy lids, and Sakura knew that nothing she said to him now was even going to be remembered the next day, let alone taken in and given serious consideration.

_Sometimes I think you’ve actually matured because I don’t really see you two fight that much anymore, but then I remember I’m wrong._

_You still fight, just not like children._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, One Week 

  


If Naruto thought the scrawlings born from Sai’s paintbrush in the blitz of battle were impressive, he had never seen what Sai could do with a blank page and a calligraphy pen when at peace. Sai pulled a sketchbook down from the shelf above his desk and put it in Naruto’s hands. For such humble casings, the works inside were far too—too—

“Wow. These are really… really detailed,” Naruto breathed to the black lines depicting five children screaming.

Sai smiled. “Thanks. I don’t show this sketchbook to people often.”

Art, Sai said, had been his way of dealing with the emotions that he had been ordered to eliminate, because it was never truly possible to destroy something instinctual, even in children. Naruto listened, looked up at Sai whose expression was too calm for the gravity of the words he was speaking.

“They took away our reasons for happiness first. Then they blamed us for our sadness. That was how they got us to hide it. Of course we believed it was our fault.”

Ah, Naruto realised. That was why he felt uncomfortable when he looked at Sai’s art. Sai had drawn his emotions. When Naruto looked at the drawings, he was looking at Sai’s soul.

“When did you draw these?”

“Oh, uh… years ago now. Maybe when I was twelve or thirteen? I should have dated the pictures but I didn’t expect to hold onto them.”

A few more pages in and Naruto could barely stand it. He looked over at the art supplies tidied neatly in jars. All of his paints and pens were black. A magnifying glass stuck out as the only anomaly. “What do you draw now?”

Sai smiled at a secret joke and reached under his bed for another sketchbook. Naruto opened the cover to pictures that were no less radiant and consuming, though easier to look at. The style was different, naturally: like jutsu, this too was a skill that refined with time.

“Isn’t it terrifying,” Sai said, bright and unbefitting, “to think that I’ve actually gotten _worse_ over time? That the more I practice, the more practiced the drawings look.”

“If you want to see bad, let me at it,” Naruto encouraged, ineffectively. Sai waved it off.

“I’ll probably never draw anything like what was in the first sketchbook again. Which is good in a way because it means I’m happy now.”

“You’re happy now?”

“Yeah,” Sai laughed. “But happiness won’t make great art.” Naruto tried to refute but Sai had already decided he was wrong. “Have you ever awakened the fox because you were happy? Anger and sadness is what makes great things happen.”

“That’s shit.”

“Maybe.” Sai glanced to the side, and then, seeing something that triggered a memory, reached towards his desk for a book. “But there are ways to fake it. Like books. Letting the author take you so far into their world that you feel what the characters are feeling. Would you believe that this is the third time I’m reading this?”

The book was thin with such an unassuming cover that Naruto wasn’t sure if Sai’s words were to be believed. “That good, is it?”

“Yeah,” Sai sighed with the memories. “Sakura said it was like the author had scooped her heart out and shown it to her. I would have to agree. I’ll show you something I drew after I read it the first time…”

While Sai flicked through the papers on his desk and in drawers, Naruto found his attention momentarily drawn to the shimmers through his black hair, his pale skin, the careful movements in his fingers and the muscles shifting in his arms—Sai halted his search suddenly.

“I thought it was here but can’t find it. Ah well. Probably wouldn’t make a difference even if I showed it to you. But you should definitely read this book.”

“What’s it about?”

Sai’s dark, round eyes leapt alight with excitement, like he was only too eager to recall what in his opinion was the greatest piece of literature that had ever been put to print, the way his hands danced in gesture and his lips moved through the sounds—

_Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be about appearance._

_Even though you’re actually kind of not bad looking when you smile for real._

“…rivals being each other’s firsts…”

“What?”

“Honestly, you have to read it. It’s the ultimate romance.”

“What is?”

“This book, the one I’m talking about.” Sai shook the book at Naruto’s face. “Just the _drama_ —honestly, the drama is intense and it’s the most painful thing I’ve ever read but—ah, the ending…”

Naruto hadn’t returned to attention to hear about the plot. “What do you mean about, what… firsts?”

“Yeah, so the two main characters are rivals who constantly misunderstand each other.” Sai had stars in his eyes recalling the reeling whirlpool of feelings he had gone through. “But in the end—ah, I really don’t want to spoil it for you. Just read it yourself.”

“Sell it to me and maybe I might,” Naruto goaded. “I don’t care about spoilers.”

“Well… okay, I’ll skip the good part but basically in the end they realize they’re perfect for each other and only each other. Imagine that. Rivals turned best friends and being each other’s firsts for everything. So satisfying. I wish I had a rival. Maybe I should make one.”

“Don’t.”

Sai really did look a lot like Sasuke but the shared traits Naruto saw in Sai put no feelings inside of him. Whatever it was, it didn’t seem to be about appearance. After that, Naruto assessed his other friends and later the strangers on the street. But nothing jumped. His heart was stagnant. It was just Sasuke.

_That’s not good._

“It’s fiction. It’s meant to be nothing like reality.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, One Week, Two Days 

  


The tight, uneasy feeling in his stomach made his muscles weak and hard to move. Naruto had to fight between what he wanted and what he promised and what he feared.

_It’s like a mask. Just because I ignore it doesn’t mean it’s not there._

_I want—_

When Naruto left the apartment, the knowledge stopped. Outside held romance, nostalgia, there were things he knew and recognized. But his bones disconnected and fell apart when he returned and no one said anything, when the house was quiet, when he couldn’t hear the secrets.

Until one day when he did hear them. When he heard Sakura say the thing he feared.

“No, I think I might stay home and try to nap. I didn’t get a very good night’s sleep last night.”

He had asked her to come out with him and she had declined again, but this time she seemed genuinely tired. Blankets piled up to her shoulders in the dark room meant he couldn’t see her face clearly. She could have been crying and Naruto would never have known.

“Anything the matter?”

If she were guarding a secret as close to her heart as the one Naruto was, he doubted if even he would be able to tell truth from fallacy. Maybe it was worse for her since she still loved Sasuke and everyone knew about it. Maybe she even _knew_ Sasuke was using her and was too ashamed to tell anyone that she actually didn’t care as long as he was back.

But if he could drag just a little more conversation out of her—just enough to hear if there were quivers in her voice—

“No. I think it’s just the changing of the seasons. I always have trouble sleeping at this time of year.”

Naruto hadn’t picked up on anything suspicious or alarming but—

_Don’t read too much into it. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. The seasons really are changing after all._

_But what if you **are** lying to me? What if something **is** the matter and I’ve already missed my last chance to fix it?_  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, One Week, Four Days 

  


Another four days had gone by when neither he nor Sasuke had spoken to each other, although Sasuke kept looking at him, looking at Sakura, and now Sakura was being weird and saying weird things and growing faint.

Naruto stared at the flickering images on the television until his gaze drifted and he washed back into his thoughts. What if, after a day spent blindly looking the other way, he came home and Sakura wasn’t the same? Naruto didn’t ever want to carry that burden, to know that he had known what was going on, what Sasuke wanted, and that he had still done nothing to protect her. That he had avoided Sasuke and Sasuke had given up and gone for an easier target.

Or maybe Sasuke had been fooling her all this time with lies the colour of the sun and Sakura had only just realised the pretence, and now that she was a used toy and she knew it, her feelings played with and tossed out—

_Am I really seeing reality or am I just kidding myself?_

_Come on, let’s not do this again._

Sighing, rubbing his fingers along his face.

Two weeks had passed since the thing on his bedroom floor. The flashes of memory weren’t as cunning and rampant as the first few days afterwards and nor were they as bright. Memories rewritten by shock meant that, although Naruto was sure it had hurt, he only knew because he remembered thinking it. The actual memory of pain—was more translucent than the memory of its opposite.

Curiosity. He had asked Sai before he had properly considered the backlash if Sai confronted him about its origins.

“Have you ever wondered what it’d be like to do it with another guy?”

Sai honestly thought about it, which calmed Naruto in ways he hadn’t expected. “Can’t say I have. Not until now.”

Sai didn’t return the favour and Naruto had let the conversation end on its own.

What was going on? If his mind could be bought and won over so cheaply, didn’t that mean—

And Sasuke and his calculating intelligence should have had more than enough time to work out if it was worth the trouble. But whether that meant it would be okay for Naruto to let him get back into his space if another opportunity were to arise— _even if it’s not right, even if there’s something wrong_ —if it could just be okay, for the moment, because Sasuke was special and Naruto kind of—

_It’s there. I just have to think it once and then it’s real._

If—

If he—

Naruto turned off the television and slid down the back of the couch, slumped at an awkward angle with his feet hanging off the side and his nose experiencing the scents of all the people who had ever been there before him and in that moment, he knew. Instantly, easily.

Even though he knew he shouldn’t.

_Don’t._

Really shouldn’t.

\--

The first thing Sakura’s sights fell on when she opened the door was the construction site of dishes in the sink, and then, when she turned, Naruto in the lounge room, lying lopsided on the couch with a faraway look on his face.

“Naruto,” she called at him in a way that emphasised the annoyance she was trying to contain. “Those dishes were there this morning when I told you to do them.”

“Yeah. They’re soaking.”

An excuse Sakura was learning not to trust.

“I touched the water,” she continued. “It’s not even warm anymore.”

“Well what did you do that for then?”

Oh, so Naruto was going to be a pain again today. Sakura dropped her bag into one of the dining room chairs and came closer so that he could more clearly see her desire not to have to continuously pick up the pieces and teach him how to be responsible.

“Can I just ask how you got by when you lived alone?”

“My mom did everything for me.”

Sakura didn’t know what kind of joke Naruto was playing at but she wasn’t about to remind him that he didn’t have a mom.

“What?” Naruto countered the suspicion in Sakura’s face with carefully assembled innocence. “Didn’t _your_ mom do everything for you?”

 _Let him win_ , she convinced herself. _He’s not really arguing with you. He’s just in a mood for god knows whatever reason._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, One Week, Six Days 

  


When Sasuke crawled onto the couch one day and put his head on Naruto’s legs, stretching out, Naruto couldn’t ignore him any longer. Blocked in a space with no feasible retreat, he held the words in his lungs and watched Sasuke roll away from the television so that the light flickers weren’t disturbing his calm under closed eyelids, pretending that:

“I’m tired. Put me to sleep.”

When Sasuke wanted attention, he knew how to get it. On edge and careful, Naruto dampened the tension with humor.

“I will fart up your nostrils if you don’t get off.”

“Take care of me.”

This was not going to go to a good place but the Sasuke who fell asleep in his lap while Naruto combed his hair with his fingers was the Sasuke he missed. Twelve years old again and partially assembled, bolted together with insecurity and multiple coats of pride. So soft.

_Really, really shouldn’t but—_

_Just this once. It’s not often that you’re this peaceful._

Outside the moment, calm and reflective, Naruto knew with the precision of a fact exactly why it was a really bad idea to give in to Sasuke, even for things like this. Especially for things like this. Teetered on a very vague sense of duty, Naruto also knew exactly why he wasn’t saying no and exactly why he didn’t really want to anyway.

He looked down. Sasuke was heavy at rest. 

Thoughts like this only led to trouble.

  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Two Weeks, One Day 

  


Though Naruto had been expecting it, the second time it happened, he was caught off-guard again. Not for quite as long as he had been the first time but somehow, when he heard shoes scuff in the kitchen, he knew, and when the bathroom door opened and footsteps walked slowly and unnecessarily close, he was certain.

Now Sasuke was standing behind him. If Naruto stopped scrubbing the shower tiles and sat back, they were going to touch. Not that he had been blindsided by any illusions about why Sasuke would ever otherwise come seek him out like this, alone, in the bathroom, but Naruto whipped his head around at least and glared at Sasuke, dressed in all black, calm except for his unbrushed hair and holding a white mug with red-embossed designs.

“Get out,” Naruto snapped.

Sasuke seemed rather taken by the challenge. He looked at Naruto, stared down at him on the floor. and Naruto wasn’t surprised either that the demand simply skimmed past Sasuke’s interest.

“What are you doing?” Sasuke asked.

Naruto turned back to the tiles. All Sasuke had to occupy his attention then was the grating sound of bristles on grout, watching Naruto work on his hands and knees in front of him.

“Have you been using your sharingan too much lately or something?” Scrubbing harder to distraction. “What does it look like I’m doing?”

Sasuke shifted, crouching down to Naruto’s level. The cup touched the floor with a delicate clink.

“Naruto,” Sasuke said softly, “do you want to do it again?”

He was kind enough to ask.

“I got carried away last time.”

_‘Carried away’? Is that what you’re going to call it?_

“Have you been thinking about it as much as I have?”

Would navigate any combination of words to get what he wanted.

“I can make it better this time.”

Naruto was a little dense sometimes but he wasn’t an idiot. Sasuke was feeding into his ears an untrue spiel of upfront, unequal manipulation and Naruto wasn’t going to allow himself to entertain _any_ thoughts about exactly what kind of a dangerous, downward plummet this was trying to pull him into.

_So say no. Fight him. Stop him._

_Because otherwise—_

Sasuke pushed the cup, making it scrape on the floor, like a reminder that nothing short of a fight—a big fight, a real fight, not the little tiffs they had gotten into in the past—was going to make him go away. This was the reason Naruto should have thought about it more when he had the rational time to do so. Because while his head was urging him to— _fight him, so fight him, this doesn’t make any sense_ —memories wanted to do nothing but trick him.

“Well, Naruto?”

This was not going end well. Nothing good could come from something so wrong and painful and suffocatingly silent. But when hands settled on Naruto’s hips and warm pressure pushing against the back of his thighs meant he had to stop scrubbing, couldn’t ignore it any longer—

_Time’s running out._

_Either tell him to go away or—_

“I don’t think we should.”

Hardly a barrier.

“Yeah, we probably shouldn’t,” Sasuke agreed. “But do you want to do it anyway?”

Sasuke was close and whole and real and there again and Naruto was trapped. He was snared, unprepared, and the temptation to _do it_ again was being decided by whatever caprices moved his heart at that moment— _should have thought about it more, thought about it properly instead of_ —bunch of lies _again_ —as if _thinking_ about it would have made him arrive at any other conclusion—

Because Naruto had ten thousand other excuses to cover the single reason that he would ever let the balance tip and tumble into permission. Wasn’t that why he tried to pay so much attention to Sakura? Because he knew what would happen if he turned the attention on himself. Because if he believed that she were in on it too, if this were about protecting her, if he thought it would honestly make Sasuke better just because he had said he needed it— _didn’t he?_ —for the single, selfish reason that would cause whatever weak resolution in his heart to collapse and glitter out—

_We can’t do this._

_No matter what, just don’t give in._

Promises so hollow, they had to keep being repeated in order to hold any weight.

“So?”

Fingers moved, finding the hem of his shirt. Naruto allowed them.

“Do you want to?”

Slowly, gently, fingertips first one by one like Sasuke was nervous about his request and then eventually, when it wasn’t flight that Naruto felt but flashing heat as Sasuke’s hand skimmed along his skin—

“How much better?” Naruto asked.

“Unforgettable.”

Sasuke hadn’t needed to promise that much to a ship that was already sinking, and Naruto wasn’t really sure what the word was implying either but the answer hadn’t mattered anyway. Sasuke could have said just about anything that had a remotely positive connotation and Naruto still wouldn’t have resisted the fingers that were wandering under the waistband of his sweats, Sasuke’s hand inside, lower, dragging over the material of his underwear—

Swift, unexpected heat burst into his face, flushing brighter than anything he could put a word on.

_Ah, just—_

Sasuke was touching him, which was already more than anything he had done the last time. Naruto was aware that his determination had been cracked from the start but now he knew it infallibly.

 _Just—just once more_ —much belated compromises— _and then I’ll know, then we’ll stop._

“Take off your pants.”

Once boundaries were removed, it was harder to recreate them. Naruto hesitated. Behind him, he watched Sasuke push his own pants down, leaving them pooled around his knees and softer on the tiles. With a sigh for his clenched eyes, Naruto put his thumbs under the elastic and, clumsily and a world away, he kicked his feet out of the clothing so that Sasuke could coax his legs further apart and kneel between them.

It was definitely going to happen again. Anticipation jumped in his stomach. Probably less than half a minute until—

Sasuke reached for the cup and coated his fingers with the oil. Awkward still, unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Naruto dropped his head, braced his arms on the floor and put his forehead down in the bend of his elbow. He didn’t open his eyes again until Sasuke took his hand away and the focus switched from preparation to alignment.

This was it. His head swam with impulse and intense curiosity. A different kind of pressure sat intimately between his legs as Sasuke’s hands searched for grooves in his hips, pulling back to a push forward that had Sasuke’s low groan empty the silence and Naruto’s breath bathe across the tiles and then—just like that—

_Ah, we’re doing it again._

Sasuke was slow, and careful, and the friction slide let Naruto know that he was getting deeper each time. Little flinches of tight pain started to fall away in favor of a much louder, higher feeling—

“Is this better? How does it feel?”

Sensation blew through the centre of Naruto’s chest to the back of his scalp. Sasuke watched indulgently when Naruto stretched a hand out to the shower ledge, bent over on the floor, balancing the impacts that made muscle and fat and sinew tremble. Then his smile gave way to more concentrated and impatient snaps of his hips until there was just no reason not let go and lose himself in the act.

It was better this time. The thrill of it fizzed alight under Naruto’s skin and shredded his ability to think. Not nearly as much pain, more than double the gratification. ‘Unforgettable’ like Sasuke had promised and so much harder to say no to.

He was going to come. The feeling had passed a threshold and now he _wanted_ it more than any warning in his head could possibly dissuade. Where Sasuke’s release was sweet through his teeth, Naruto made sure to mute the sound in his throat. And then—

Regret.

\--

Sakura saw a lot of things Naruto and Sasuke probably didn’t realise she saw, too consumed by their rivalry to think of anyone but themselves. She had one on each side of her: Naruto was picking at his food and being loud about eating it and doing everything he could to avoid looking at Sasuke; Sasuke was eating his food slowly and methodically, side dishes first and then the fish and then the rice mixed in with the soup, always in that order and always watching Naruto.

“Thanks for cleaning the bathroom, Naruto.”

“Mm.”

It had been the opposite once upon a time and Sakura wasn’t sure when it had switched or _why_ it had switched. She wondered if she should warn Naruto or say something, or ask him if he noticed or cared.

Sasuke always glared at her but he _stared_ at Naruto.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Two Weeks, Four Days 

  


Even if it was more doubt than conviction that Naruto felt now, he wasn’t totally sure and he would utilize any opportunity. He ran into Ino only accidentally, at the markets peeling and eating steamed sweet potatoes from a roadside stall when he had been hungry for oden and the accompanying soup. Naruto chomped through the fishcakes and used the leftover stick to skewer one of the smaller sweet potatoes casually from her plate.

“Can I have it?” Naruto had the gall to ask after he had already committed the robbery. Ino looked provoked and ready to hiss but she only watched him as he slowly put it to his mouth and made it disappear. 

Ino leaned against the stall bench and fluttered her eyelashes, exaggerated, suddenly quiet and unexpectedly cute like the smile on her lips. 

“Now that I’ve given you something, you have to give me something.”

Ino thought she had him trapped. Naruto saw an opening. She beckoned her hands like she was asking for something and she was: the only thing she could possibly want from him, the only bargaining tool he had to offer.

“Gossip.”

_I knew it._

Naruto threw bait. “Sasuke comes out of his room nowadays.”

“I know that!” Ino huffed and dropped the playfulness. “Sakura does tell me some stuff. She said he likes watching those silly afternoon dramas on tv. Is that true?”

“I have no idea.”

“What do you mean you have no idea? Don’t you live with him?”

“Yeah but I don’t watch tv with him.”

“Well can you start? I need something to break the ice with him once he’s allowed outside. Oh hey, listen. I have to get back to the shop now. Come with me if you’re free?”

Naruto had no plans except for the one that was building now, staring at Ino’s candlelit eyes that would trade almost anything to sate her desire for intelligence on Sasuke. He followed. It was interesting then to notice that while people stared at him because of the past, they stared at Ino because of the present.

“What’s Sasuke-kun’s favourite flower?”

“I don’t even know what _my_ favorite flower is.”

“Hmm. I bet he would like something big like a sunflower.”

Either Ino was projecting, or she knew a Sasuke different from the one that he knew.

“Give him a cactus. You know, really prickly, only blooms in the dark.”

“Oh my god, that’s the best idea!” Ino clapped her hands and then, when her excitement couldn’t be contained in the bubbles of her giggles, she grabbed Naruto’s arm and shook it through him. “That’s perfect. Oh my god, I can’t believe how perfect that is.”

Naruto readjusted his hoodie after she was done apprehending him and told her to do whatever she wanted.

“What’s Sasuke-kun’s favourite color?”

“I have no idea.”

“What’s Sasuke-kun’s favourite snack?”

“I have no idea.”

“What’s Sasuke-kun’s favourite animal?”

“I have no idea.”

“Come on, Naruto, give me something to work with, would you?”

“Alright,” Naruto tucked his successful attempt at scheming behind make-believe ignorance. If he couldn’t get anything out of Sakura, he would get it out of her closest girl friend, though he had to be careful, because if Ino didn’t know anything either and Sakura realised Naruto were the one she had found out from—“Tell me what Sakura-chan has already told you and I’ll fill in the gaps.”

“I heard,” Ino said, twirling the words through carefully constructed craftiness, “that his hair is getting really long these days and he parts it on the right side.”

Sakura had told her that? Naruto was struggling to believe how such a useless observation could make the topic of conversation when Ino, mistaking his frown for reflection, continued.

“And that he likes his riceballs covered in sesame seeds. And that he likes barley tea more than ginseng tea.”

“Who likes ginseng tea anyway, like, at all?”

“Does he really rearrange the order of his scrolls every day?”

Naruto snorted. “Probably. There’s not much else to do.”

“And I also heard that he really likes playing card games. And that he likes grilled fish more than sashimi.”

“Grilled is the only way we ever have it anyway. None of us know how to properly slice it raw.”

“ _And_ that he once told Sakura she was as pretty as the flowers she was named after.”

Such a simple statement had Naruto quickly clearing out the nausea. He paused, not wanting to give away too much, and as soon as practiced apathy felt natural on his face, he turned his head a little to glance at her. Ino saw through it straight away.

“So he did, did he?”

Naruto had no idea about this either but—

“I’m just saying it’s not impossible.”

Ino clasped her hands dramatically, dancing whimsical circles along the path. “To think that my rival in love was the one to get the dream boy after all. Ah, I suppose I’ll have to be the bigger woman and go congratulate her.”

“I guess.”

“What a story they’ll have. Friends since childhood, teammates since the academy, how she saved him during his darkest days…”

“I guess.”

“Sakura and her soft pink, Sasuke-kun and his midnight blue… Well they do say opposites attract, right?”

“I guess.”

“What a cute couple they’d make! Don’t you think?”

“I guess.”

“Hey, speaking of, is it true that Sasuke-kun’s clothes are all black? Even his underwear?”

“Uh—”

“Do you think you could steal me a pair?”

Naruto stuttered, abruptly flustered, which finally made Ino crack and break into laughter.

“Did I go too far? Sorry, I’m just kidding. I made everything up. Sakura won’t tell me anything.”

\--

Naruto was not about to present a bouquet of flowers to Sasuke, even if he was just the messenger on behalf of Ino, but Ino had taken such great care in choosing, cutting and wrapping the flowers that it would have been a waste to just discard them, in the river or a line of vegetation bordering the road, in plain view of pedestrians.

Sakura turned at the sound when he opened the door, looking down at the flowers curiously.

“For you,” Naruto bowed gracefully and held them out to her.

Sakura, startled, asked him what they were for, but she didn’t accept the _“just because”_ that Naruto delivered.

“Did you do something wrong?”

“No,” he said calmly, standing up straight and still holding the flowers out in front of him. “Not this time,” with a wink.

“You can tell me if you did something wrong.”

“Really,” Naruto assured with an open smile. “You pick up a lot of my slack. Sorry about that, and thank you.”

“Oh. Okay. Thanks. You didn’t have to do that.” Sakura displayed her hands then and the sticky pieces of rice attached. “I’m in the middle of making lunch. Can you put them somewhere for me? I think there should be an old glass pitcher in the cupboard next to the sink.”

Naruto filled the pitcher and swirled sugar through the water to help the flowers last, so Sakura said. She was making sushi rolls with her bare hands, which was supposed to enhance the flavour. Naruto had no palate; they were going to taste the same no matter how she prepared them. But he watched her anyway.

“Go sit down. I can’t concentrate with you looming over me.”

“Okay.” But Naruto didn’t move.

After spreading out the rice over the seaweed sheets, she prepared the fillings. Naruto compared the width of the carrots and cucumber slices with the slices for other rolls, the selection of particular strips of radish, the amount of egg she chose to add, how well she chopped the spinach, right down to the small and insignificant differences between the sprinklings of ground beef and the gentler way she seemed to assemble the whole meal. One set was different. One set was fatter, filled to the brim with more consideration.

“Here.”

Naruto stared at the plate, a little affronted. “Is this Sasuke’s?”

“No? That’s yours.”

Naruto accepted the plate, still staring. “How come mine are… bigger?”

Which made Sakura scoff. “I know your stomach. I don’t want you coming back in an hour’s time whinging that you’re hungry again. Although you probably will anyway.” She finished with another plate and handed it to him. “Can you take this one, too? It’s Sai’s.”

Naruto turned with the plates. Today was a day that he could put up with Sasuke, even if it made his head flood with thoughts, because as long as Sai was there, he could trick him into talking excessively with just the right question or comment and lay the perfect foundations for a conversation he didn’t have to be in complete attendance for.

“Been working on any new art lately?”

Sai dived right in.

  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Two Weeks, Five Days 

  


The flowers were gone in the morning. Naruto asked Sakura what happened to them.

“The smell kept making me sneeze.”

Naruto stared, but Sakura fidgeted uncomfortably and he swallowed the words sitting on his tongue.

“Sorry. I didn’t know you were so sensitive to smells. Where are they then?”

“I put them outside.”

“Where outside?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m going to go get them and put them in my room. If that’s okay with you.”

Naruto found the flowers leaning against a utility pole, the paper wrapping only a little crumpled. He brought them back inside and adorned his desk, sitting in his chair and leaning back to better appreciate the crisp colours in the streaming sunshine.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Four Months, Three Weeks, Two Days 

  


Somehow a lifetime of experiences tipped at the wrong angle too many times had brought him to this position. Had it started the first time he had given in to Sasuke on the couch? Or was it when he had been standing in front of Tsunade and agreeing to live with him? Had it started before then, parting ways to go train with Jiraiya or the moment they had been put on the same team? Careless things that he either had no control over or didn’t want to take the blame for.

Naruto got up. He changed into clothes that let his arms and legs move about more freely so that when Sai got home, he could go out and train to get the heat out of his fists. Until then—

“Play five-in-a-row with me.” Sasuke was getting too used to getting everything he wanted.

“Uh. Okay.” Naruto waited for the trick to creep into his dull, black eyes but Sasuke just kept staring at the television. “But I don’t think we have any of the equipment.”

“Then draw it, usuratonkachi.”

Sasuke didn’t seem to be in a good mood but it wasn’t a catastrophically bad one either. Unsure though Naruto was, this was also one of the longest stretches of spoken tranquillity between them since Sasuke’s return. He sat on the floor and ruled up a gameboard.

“That’s not what it looks like.”

“You do it then.” Naruto pushed the pen and paper at Sasuke, who shuffled up against the back of the couch to make space where he could properly render a gameboard. Naruto made no comment about how it looked exactly like what he had drawn, or about how Sasuke still seemed to talk like a child.

“I want to go first.”

While Sasuke took his time deciding where he would draw his first circle, Naruto found his focus drawn to the sound of the television and the blinking pictures when he wasn’t watching Sasuke tap the pen against his lips. Sasuke colored a circle in and passed the paper to him.

Naruto drew a quick circle and passed the paper back. When for several turns the game unfolded like that in strange, distracting silence, he wondered if he should risk pissing the studious calm out of Sasuke’s face by attempting more conversation and gave in to the desire, easily, like hesitation given to an addiction.

“What kinds of snacks do you like?”

Sasuke didn’t look at him and Naruto waited. He waited. 

And then he stared at his hands, the ground, and the television.

“I like crispy rice crust.”

It was sick, and Naruto knew it, the way crumbs could feed his greedy, lifting heart. “That,” he breathed in, and held it, and let it out, “is really gross.”

_Rice crust, huh? Gonna have to start cooking rice on the stove._

Sasuke dropped the paper on the floor. Naruto calculated his next move, drew a circle, and passed it back. He slouched and slid down until it was just his head propped against the base of the couch and stared at the daytime drama, interrupted only when Sasuke finished his turn and he had to make a move.

So Sasuke liked board games? Or maybe he just liked strategy games, or maybe he just liked anything that gave his brain something to do. Later he would have to ask Sakura if her parents had any spare board games that they could borrow. Even if he didn’t know the rules, if Sasuke liked it and it made him better, brought him back to life, distracted him from—

“I’ve already had at least five chances to win this game.”

“Oh really?” Naruto recoiled with the stricken need to rationalise his incompetency. “Well I didn’t really play this game much as a kid.”

“It’s okay,” Sasuke said, but the look on his face when Naruto turned towards him told him that it wasn’t. “So what do I get for winning?”

Naruto stared, and then he sunk, and then he pleaded for lenience. Before Sasuke could sit up and decrease anymore of the distance between them, he had to cancel it out. “I don’t think we should.”

“I _know_ we shouldn’t,” Sasuke was quick to rebut. “But while we’re both getting something out of it, I don’t see why we should stop.”

But still Naruto leaned away from it. “I don’t want to do it anymore.”

Sasuke just scoffed. Laughed.

“What, was it not good enough last time? Your standards are pretty high for someone with zero experience.”

The path that this was taking was starting to make Naruto feel uncomfortable. He knew that this too was distraction. Manipulation. Because while it had felt good, had absolutely felt so much better than the first time and while even now, over a week later, he still sometimes caught himself in reflections—still a very urgent part of his brain ate at him to accept that it probably hadn’t been as great as his sated libido would have him believe. Because if Sasuke had really wanted to make it better, why had he chosen the bathroom? Why hadn’t Sasuke touched him properly? Why had it been so—quick?

_Do I really need to wonder?_

_Then again, you didn’t promise ‘better’. You promised ‘unforgettable’. And it was._

Naruto didn’t move and Sasuke’s sigh appeared as pain on his face, squinting his eyes and then rubbing it off with his hand. “Look, can you just—save the coy act for someone else? I really couldn’t give a shit how easy you are. Take off your pants. I’ll be back.”

Sasuke got up. He went to the kitchen and Naruto sat alone with quakes tinkling the bells in his head. Probably shouldn’t. Really, really shouldn’t, not like this. But that was still Sasuke and everything he felt for him standing over him again with a cup in his hand and the most serene smile Naruto had ever seen.

“Your pants are still on,” Sasuke said with a budding giddiness. “Do you want to fight? That might be fun.”

“What?”

“Oil yourself up. Let’s see how long it takes me to rip your clothes off and pin you down.”

Naruto had options. He could beat the shit out of Sasuke for ever giving voice to such a suggestion.

But he didn’t, and he wouldn’t— _because I’m an idiot who still believes in you, even now_ —and yielded instead. He snatched the cup out of Sasuke’s hand, took off his pants and did what he thought he was supposed to do with the oil. Sasuke dropped to his knees between his legs and shucked his pants down far enough that he could anoint himself with oil and then—

Pushing Naruto down on his back and bracing over him. Sasuke, who had made no promises this time, settled a moment, and then Naruto felt it pressing firm and wide and as soon as he was in, Sasuke went at it.

For Sasuke, it seemed to be a race to the bottom, because while he could be calculating and conservative when he wanted to be, it was when commitments were low and he was left alone, unsupervised, in the middle of the day, on the floor of the lounge room, that his greed demanded he steal as much as possible, as fast as possible. Naruto put his hands on Sasuke’s shoulders for stability, curved close, and a mouth not nearly far enough away from his face erased the thoughts in his head, replaced by short, insistent noises in Sasuke’s throat leading up to a final groan dug up from the depths of his lungs.

Sasuke shuddered and flinched in Naruto’s arms but Naruto was quick to release him when he rolled onto the floor. He had the decency at least to hitch his pants back up, and then Sasuke lay a little on his side with one hand over his chest and the other stretched out away from them, gurgling the last remnants of bliss and looking entirely too sweetened.

Sasuke had no more biting words to part with but Naruto swiped at something on his neck and he realised that shithead had gone and fucking drooled on him.

  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months 

  


The ANBU guards in Tsunade’s office were all wearing different masks. Naruto studied each of the animals to replace the boredom of the formality and to give his head a break. It kept happening, and where weeks had once separated the instances, it was now filing down to days. Naruto set sail his hope with the increasing frequency, praying that it meant Sakura wasn’t being exposed to any of the bad parts. Because it kept happening and he kept getting off on it, kept finding excuses not to stop.

Naruto knew it wasn’t ideal but it wouldn’t go on forever. It wasn’t going to go on forever. It was going to stop one day. One day would be the last day and then Sasuke would just… stop. He would just not come for it and Naruto would just not give in to it and then they could reassemble the leftover pieces and learn how to coexist again.

_Temporary. It’s just temporary. It’s not like it’s going to go on for years. I could even fix you with this_ —flick of his eyes away— _somehow. Just a little bit longer and then I’ll work it out and then—_

“This it?”

“What? Oh. Yeah.”

Tsunade pulled more pages out from somewhere on her desk. “Compared with the reports from the beginning and what I saw last month, Uchiha seems to be improving. Would you agree?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

_So she **does** think Sasuke’s getting better._

_Then why the—_

Tsunade was staring at him and there was something not quite right about it. Too… informed. Maybe he should have said more: saying too little might have seemed like he was hiding information—but saying too much might have looked like he was trying to cover something up because her eyes were just a little too narrow, hands folded under her chin just a little too tight.

“Naruto…”

He hated his name in that tone and took to staring coolly out the window.

“Anything you want to tell me?”

She knew. Naruto knew she knew. How did she know? _No one_ was supposed to know—she had to be digging. Naruto willed himself not to overreact because Tsunade saw through glass-coated lies and he had only one chance to get it right.

“No? I don’t think so?”

_I am so fucked, aren’t I._

Tsunade drew her lips into a thin line, picking up another report, and to Naruto’s ears the pages flicked unbearably loud. “I don’t trust you three to give me all the details and luckily I have the ANBU reports. Tell me what you think this sounds like. Day one hundred and sixteen. 1:38pm to 1:40pm. Uzumaki Naruto’s room. Groaning noises. Day one hundred and thirty-seven. 4:11pm to 4:12pm. Bathroom. Groaning noises. Day one hundred and forty-six. 12:10pm to 12:11pm. Lounge room. Groaning noises. Day one hundred and forty-eight. 2:29pm to 2:31pm. Lounge room. Groaning noises. I’m sure I don’t have to go on.”

There it was. The story of their fucked up friendship in ten seconds flat.

There was no limit to how small and weak and hot and raw everyone wanted to make him feel. Naruto couldn’t even do his normal routine like laugh it off because—of course there were ANBU, he’d _seen_ them and now she _knew_ , the ANBU knew—she was _looking_ at him for answers now and Naruto didn’t know—standing at the centre of her office alone under the weight of the world and _everyone knew_.

“Still don’t want to tell me anything?”

Naruto wasn’t looking and breathed in slowly, in and out just once and thought about not saying anything at all—or maybe she didn’t get it because she had to ask— _calm calm calm fuck I don’t know_ —she had to ask so maybe she didn’t realize— _oh let’s just cut the bullshit_ —of course she realised— _she’s the goddamn **Hokage**._

“Sasuke gets bored.”

“So give him a book.”

Naruto felt the sting of her verbal slap and silently thanked her for such great fucking insight.

Tsunade’s chair creaked rocking back and her sigh released all the unspoken reprimands she couldn’t bear to say.

“I won’t even _begin_ to imagine what you two are thinking but I’m not stupid. What, one, two minutes and it’s over? I don’t think you’re even once in a bed—and frankly it’s probably none of my business but this is a little different. Sasuke’s changed—he _isn’t_ the same Sasuke you remember.”

_Like I need anyone to tell me that—like I would **ever** need to hear that—I see a different Sasuke all fucking day long._

“I’m just so… _annoyed_ ,” words chosen for their exceptional delicacy, “that you didn’t report it—even if you didn’t report it, that you didn’t _tell_ me. I think this is something I should know about—for your sake, Naruto, not his. You’re the only reason that stupid Uchiha brat isn’t locked up in jail indefinitely.”

“I don’t… I don’t mind.”

“What?”

“I don’t mind.” A little louder, clearer, equal amounts of false confidence. “It doesn’t bother me.”

He could feel Tsunade’s hard stare flush every part of his face and the window was still the most interesting thing in the room.

“And it annoys me when you _lie_ but—god, I’m going to regret saying this—I’m _still_ going to trust your judgment. You know Uchiha better than I do so who knows? Maybe it’ll work. The house is still standing and Uchiha’s doing something, even if it’s you. Unless his condition— _or yours_ —deteriorates, do whatever you think is right. I won’t interfere until I have to and I’m sure you can hear the warning bells in your own head so listen to them. Can you do that?”

“I can do that.”

_I can do that._

_I can hide it, lie about it, keep it inside, keep it away from you, keep it away from everyone if it’s really so— **so** —if you don’t want to see it then I’ll never let it show._

_I can do that._

\--

Naruto’s room complemented Sasuke’s in all the other ways they made half of each other’s lives a whole. It made Sasuke stressed just standing in the doorway, eyeing those fucking half-dead flowers next to the alarm clock on his desk thirty-eight minutes behind and still ticking. He pushed clothes and books and weaponry with his feet, dividing them to his target on the other side.

Sasuke leant over him where the familiar smell was the strongest, mouth parting just enough for a smile when Naruto wouldn’t take his eyes off the cracks and chips in the wall.

_You make me want to **laugh** , you stupid dobe—you think I’ll **leave** just because you won’t see me? You were always so stupid, Naruto._

“You were gone a while and then I thought Sakura and Sai were never going to leave.”

Naruto was in a perfect enough position this time, on his bed and on his side. If Sasuke could just turn him over a little more with the press of his hand to Naruto’s back—

“Sasuke, why do you do this?”

Sasuke danced in the exhilaration of his name on Naruto’s tongue, his eyes and smile growing wider and wilder. So they were going to do it like that, were they? Because Naruto’s fight was never one with Sasuke, only with himself, and the look on his face when he gave in and _hated_ it was what Sasuke longed to see.

_Always, always a stupid dobe. You were always weak and you can’t—don’t— **won’t** change it._

Sasuke’s knee was on the bed now, pressing a little harder but not enough to force the movement. It was always better if Naruto resisted so he had to _fight_.

_Entertain me._

“I told you, I’m bored. Now roll over.”

“No.”

Sasuke stopped and ran his nose along the sleeve of Naruto’s shirt.

“Roll.”

“Fuck off.”

All anger and shock and amusement and _thrill_ and Naruto was still counting the tiny impurities in the paintwork— _stupid words, always a stupid dobe and stupid, useless, **worthless** words_ —sweet as rain was Sasuke’s breath preceding his voice in Naruto’s ear when:

“I have to wonder what she said to you to make you grow some balls.”

Naruto’s face jumped, lips curled back and eyes flared through the slit of his lids and Sasuke’s grin was smug, _so_ smug. He had shot him point blank with the right words. _So that Hokage-hag knows, does she?_ —and that wasn’t _nearly_ the best of it—she wasn’t doing _anything_ and Sasuke wouldn’t care even if she did because that was _Naruto’s_ issue to deal with. Sasuke never had to stare anyone down and beat an excuse out of his pride because that was Naruto’s issue to deal with and he’d just take the pleasure when she wasn’t doing anything and _wouldn’t stop him_ —

“Unbelievable.” 

“Stop it!” Naruto threw the hand back out from under his shirt. It was coming, a fight, a heated scramble of bodies and clothes. Sasuke could feel his fingers itch with the chakra he couldn’t and didn’t need to use, nose-to-nose when he wouldn’t back away from Naruto’s quiet seething and the twists in his head. “Why do you do this? Go read a fucking book if you’re so bored!”

_Go on, I dare you, give me something to do and start the fight you **want** me to finish—_

“You’re not the only one in his house,” Sasuke teased. “Are you telling me to go to Sai next time, hmm? How about _Sakura?_ ”

Sasuke looked down at Naruto’s mouth and he knew what it looked like—Naruto thought he might— _stupid dobe, you only **wish** I’d_ —and Sasuke could just hear the lightness in Naruto’s heart over his own internal laughter, the confusion— _the **jealousy**? oh now that’s just **precious**_ —in his face providing just enough time to throw him down—

_and **push** you down and **pin** you down and don’t you dare look so surprised—_

_You want this, Naruto, I know you do—you’re the one who always wants to chase me find me hold me fight me **hate me** —well if you want me that much then I’ll scar you **so bad** you’ll never forget me and then—_

_**I’ll always be with you** —_

\--

_“How about Sakura?”_

Sasuke couldn’t have meant it. He was lying. Lying like he always lied, lied by accident and lied without knowing he was lying. He had planned it that way, to throw Naruto off or to get him to move under him and nothing Sasuke said anymore was mistaken or honest.

_You **lied**. I know you did because you’ve got nothing else to do but screw with my head. It can’t—be true—_

But Naruto couldn’t argue with the report Tsunade had read. There was no Sakura. There wasn’t enough _time_ for Sakura. It was all Naruto, Naruto, Naruto and Sasuke and no Sakura because—

_It doesn’t make sense. I **knew** you and Sakura-chan didn’t make sense. Why would you? Why **wouldn’t** you?_

Because he couldn’t tell himself _it’s only me_. All that time wasted awake and distracted and hurting and grieving and worrying and hoarding evidence—

_What evidence? I don’t actually **know** anything!_

Sleep was on the other side of the room dancing far out of reach and now Naruto had to face up to the reality that Sasuke was using _only him_.

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. eight

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# eight

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Three Days 

  


Naruto held a smile on his face, hands tucked behind his back and spun a warm curiosity through his movements, because on the rare occasions when his heart felt brittle enough to admit that— _I’m not sure_ —he first needed to convince Sakura to go out with him.

“Where are you going? Can I come too?”

Sakura had no room to complain of fatigue when she was packing her bag with a lunchbox getting ready to go out, and Sai wasn’t close enough to be distracting and Sasuke was too far away in his room for her to want to impress him so—so maybe—

“Hm? Oh just, you know, here and there. I think I’ll go out by myself this time.”

_At least make it a decent lie if you’re going to lie at all._

Naruto didn’t like the unsettled feeling in his head. If Sasuke and Sakura weren’t sleeping with each other and Sakura _still_ wouldn’t accept his company when Sasuke was nowhere in earshot, Naruto wondered just _what_ was going on between them. Because there had to be something. Because it couldn’t just be that Sakura was pushing him away because—because—

_Just let me ask you about it. Just let me tell you._

“You’re not even doing anything special. Let me come with you.”

It was too late to take the words back when she levelled a glare at him. Naruto thought he felt a twinge of remorse until Sakura snapped right back: “No. I don’t want to. I want to go out by myself for once.”

But Naruto couldn’t let it go and the crankier he made her, the more he thought he just had to push until she gave in to him. Sakura had always relented in the past and he didn’t know how else to word his plea, what else to say to make her give in, even just for half an hour it’d be enough, he promised—

“Didn’t you hear what I first said? I want to go out _by myself_. I’m always with you or Sai these days.”

_Not your not, you’re never with me. I—can’t even remember the last time we went out together._

“Just—”

“You can go out if you want but not with me. I’ll be back later.”

Naruto didn’t fight anymore, didn’t follow. Instead he just watched her back as it gusted out the door and out of his control, out of sight and the sludge that was thickening in his head. He scuffed the ground and looked around and he was sure it had never felt this bad whenever she had gone out without him in the past.

_You’re so sensitive to other people’s feelings. How come you can’t see mine?_

_You don’t want to see mine, do you. As long as Sasuke gets better—I don’t matter._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Five Days 

  


Naruto woke to a strange and unfamiliar pressure touched between his legs, and then Sasuke’s hand smacked over his mouth to muffle a groan to an intrusion every bit as dominating.

It might have been the first time Naruto resisted with any degree of vigor and anger because he fought without thought, too disorientated by sleep to do anything more than rely on a decade of bred reflexes. He managed to catch Sasuke’s chin with the heel of his palm and a vicious clack of his teeth, and Sasuke rewarded his boldness with a punch so hard, Naruto thought he might just slice his fist through his chest a second time.

“ _Let me_ —”

_Get off get off get off **get off get off** —_

Sasuke could see better in the dim flickers the television outlined and the more Naruto tried to scratch and grab and struggle, burdened on his back, the further Sasuke leaned just out of reach and showed Naruto what he was capable of when a movement too fast in the dark had Naruto’s nose brush in touch with Sasuke’s knuckles.

“Give up. I’m already inside you. And next time I’ll really hit you.”

Naruto stalled. He stilled. He had already lost. He had lost from the start and anything more was just going to turn into wasted time and energy. He breathed to settle his heart, the air exhaled and retrieved through his mouth dusting the underside of Sasuke’s thumb where his fist still sat in his face, and tried to think over the loud and pressurized sound in his ears.

As calmly as he could, he tried to speak some sense into Sasuke’s head. “I’m going to let you anyway. Just wake me up at least.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Naruto let out a disgusted breath and turned his head away.

_He has an answer to everything because he already knows what you’re thinking._

_Just keep it in. Don’t bother with words. Just get it over with._

Sasuke withdrew his arm to wipe at his nose, sniffling and sounding wet, and Naruto felt somewhat light and sinisterly brightened to realize he had managed to bloody Sasuke’s nose at some point in the fray.

“Fight me,” Sasuke carried on.

“You just said you’d hit me if I didn’t give up.”

“Yeah, I know. So fight me.”

The pitch in Sasuke’s voice was too high, like the possibility of fighting and fucking excited him so much, he could barely contain it. Naruto wasn’t going to fight him anyway, except now he didn’t trust the consequences if he couldn’t find a way to get out of it soon.

Sasuke rubbed his nose again and wiped it on Naruto’s shirt, and that sent a fresh wave of bottled fury to his skull.

“Look. I’m tired. Just get over with it so I can go back to sleep.”

Sasuke snickered softly but he didn’t say anything. Maybe it pleased him how fast he had made Naruto submit and that had calmed the giddy energy because he didn’t try to coerce anymore fight out of him. Instead he just lowered his head and dug a hand around one of Naruto’s legs, the other pressed to the armrest behind Naruto’s head, and Naruto closed his eyes and inhaled a deep breath of air that smelled exactly like his best friend.

“Fight me next time, okay?”

Naruto didn’t want to give an answer—but Sasuke was _asking_ so quietly and earnestly that the whiplash of his mood swings made him grunt at least an affirmation. 

Sasuke seemed placated, for now. He moved slowly and he didn’t say anything when Naruto pulled his shirt up so that this time at least, his hands were touching skin, and the gradual progression of Naruto’s breath growing deeper and rougher to match Sasuke’s movements meant that, somehow, strangely, frighteningly—somehow it felt almost acceptable.

The bar was low, but this was the best sex they had ever had.

\--

Sasuke left immediately afterwards, like he usually did, and Naruto would have preferred more time to lie still and peel apart the jumble of things in his head but he needed to go to the bathroom to clean up. He pushed open the door and turned on the light, staring at his reflection in the mirror.

For a moment, that was all Naruto did. He stepped closer. He inclined his neck to where Sasuke had pressed his face and pulled his shirt to his eyes looking for proof.

_I thought you were bleeding._

Naruto stretched his neck again. It felt like there was something there. Even if he couldn’t see it, he could feel it.

_…did you drool on me again?_

_No, I punched you in the nose and you were bleeding. I mean—_

Sasuke had been rubbing his nose. He had been sniffling. Hadn’t Naruto punched him in the nose? It had all happened so fast, he couldn’t really remember each individual impact of his fists and had just struck out wildly but—where was the blood?

While Naruto was inspecting his reflection, a passing thought wondering _what else could it be if it isn’t either?_ made it stone-sharp and howlingly clear what it was.

_Were you—_

The force of the realization made Naruto forget everything for the suddenly sick and winded, quiet knowledge, not just because Sasuke had continued while another substance had been falling out of his eyes but because Naruto _hadn’t noticed_. He hadn’t noticed. And he knew there had been a lot more pressing things bloating his attention and Sasuke would never be upfront about that kind of thing but—

but—

but in the end all it amounted to was an uncomfortable reminder that Sasuke had not a marble heart but an eggshell shield. That Naruto still had a promise to bring back and bring out the person Sasuke used to be. Because if he didn’t save him, Sasuke had nothing and no one.

_At least you came to me when you couldn’t take it anymore, I guess._

_I don’t know._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Six Days 

  


Naruto felt like eating his rasengan instead of fighting Kakashi. Aimless, poorly-calculated punches and the only reason he could dodge half of what he did was due to knowing his teacher’s fighting style and sheer instincts. When Kakashi bowled him over coughing with an easy jab to the gut, Naruto wasn’t sure if Kakashi had just been lucky or if he had let that one through so he could stop and feel a different kind of pain for once instead of the pain caused by the white-noise clouds in his head.

“I think we should stop now,” looking at the sky when Naruto feebly disagreed: typical Naruto to want to train until he died. “Your game’s off today. Let’s continue tomorrow.”

“It’s okay. I still want to fight—I _have_ to keep fighting. I just… I don’t know! Didn’t get a very good night’s sleep or something.”

Kakashi stood back with his hands deep in his pockets and decided that Naruto knew very well when he didn’t get a good night’s sleep. Naruto, who as a genin only woke up as their training was supposed to _start_ and who could camp out under the stars on the hard earth and still wake up fresh in the morning, knew _very well_ when he didn’t get a good night’s sleep. So was he lying or telling the truth? Because whatever it was seemed to be plaguing him enough that he couldn’t fight.

Kakashi had three ideas about what it could be and each corresponded with a separate person from the original Team 7.

“Anything you want to talk about?”

That was all he could give. If Naruto shook his head, he didn’t care. It wasn’t about being an unsympathetic and helpless teacher. It was about the issue being too great for Naruto to tell him because he had already decided that there was nothing Kakashi could do about it.

Kakashi turned his gaze upwards again. Teenage angst was going to have a death toll but god it was interesting to watch.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, One Week, One Day 

  


The hallway was too narrow. That was what Naruto learned when routine bickering over cleaning or cooking or whatever other hell they could stir with words turned the first shove from Sasuke into a brawl on the floor. Naruto hit back to counter Sasuke striking out, walls too close putting thuds of soft sound into the air to complement the background soundtrack of Sasuke shrieking in his ears over the same juvenile and pedantic shit he always slung around and rampaged about.

“I can’t wear it! Wash it again _now!_ ” 

Naruto said, “I just told you I can’t leave you alone in the apartment—”

“ _Can’t_ or _don’t want to_ ,” Sasuke teased with a shriller edge. He clocked Naruto in the cheek with fresh fingernail scratches a perfect parallel match to his scars. “You know as well as I do that no one’s going to do shit if you leave for a few minutes. Now go wash my shirt.”

Naruto snapped his teeth in the direction of the fingers, too nimble to be caught but the warning sufficiently issued.

_Why do you always push the boundaries? I’m tired of breaking the rules for you._

“ _Can’t_ wear it or _don’t want to_ wear it,” Naruto shot back. “Go wash it in the bathroom yourself if you want it that much.”

Sasuke’s reflexes were as tight as ever. Naruto had only a heartbeat’s space to recover and plan his next movement after kicking Sasuke away only to watch him rotate his palms on the floor and spring back, fiercer and more demanding than before.

“If you won’t do it then give me yours,” said Sasuke. “I want yours. Give me yours. _Give it._ ”

“ _No_ —god, just go put on some other fucking shirt—”

Everything Naruto did, fighting, close and gritty, put nowhere as much distance between their bodies as he would have liked for not nearly as long as he would have hoped.

Naruto’s back thudded against the wall again. So far all of the plaster remained intact.

Sasuke twisted out of the knee Naruto wedged into his stomach, and with agility that Naruto both envied and despaired, an outstretched hand caught a decent fistful of the old shirt Naruto was wearing. Its faded fabric, now comfortable and nostalgically thin after years of use, tore easily when Sasuke clawed his fingers further up the neckline seeking to ravage what he couldn’t possess.

_Seriously, if you’re so unhappy about all the destruction that follows you everywhere, maybe you should take a look around and see if you’re the one causing it—_

“Are you happy now?” It was loud in Sasuke’s face as Naruto tried to unwind clasping hands. “Now neither of us can wear it—”

Sasuke didn’t say anything and pulled harder, tearing more. Even though the shirt was ruined, he wasn’t stopping, because this fight, like all their fights now, had never been about the tiny splashes of washing powder residue like Sasuke had claimed and complained about. All their fights now were only ever about finding a means to an end.

Sasuke pulled at both sides of the armscye and tore half the sleeve off.

“Can’t you just _say it?_ ” said Naruto. 

Sasuke wound down the blind fervour that had dominated much of his mindless tearing. Although Sasuke didn’t relax his grip, he stilled, curious, and stared expectantly at Naruto like Naruto had said something interesting.

“Say what?” said Sasuke.

“Just _say_ what you really want!”

Sasuke smiled. “I want a lot of things.”

_Be careful. It feels like a trap. He could be leading you somewhere._

Sasuke wriggled on the floor. He pushed one foot a little on the wall behind him, and quicker and closer than Naruto was anticipating, Naruto was able to see in Sasuke’s eyes where the pupils ended and the irises began.

_One look like this washes everything away, huh._

And too much of it was going to corrupt his will. Naruto reached up to smack the ball of his palm on Sasuke’s nose, even though Naruto knew he wouldn’t get anywhere near it before the humor faded and Sasuke jumped back into the fight.

“God, just say what you want!” said Naruto. “I’m tired of this fighting.”

“ _Tired?_ ” Sasuke’s voice was shrill with disbelief. “You’ve barely done anything!”

There may have been some truth to Sasuke’s argument because Naruto had definitely fought battles longer than this, but the knowledge alone was still not enough to stir Naruto back into action. The time, energy and constant surveillance it took to make sure they had not been bested by the other was filling a smaller and smaller glass each time Naruto reached for it.

_Exhausting._

_This was definitely not how I imagined living together would be like._

Fatigued and dispirited, Naruto blocked only the minimum number of hits to the softer parts of his stomach to guarantee a swift recovery after it was all over, and let the rest through.

“Come on, you can do better than this,” goaded Sasuke.

_You could hit harder too but you’re not._

Naruto took the jab to his ribs with a wince in the direction of the ceiling anyway.

Sasuke said, “Pathetic.”

_Still can’t make me fight you._

Sasuke heaved an irritated sigh. He contemplated Naruto’s position for a moment, and then slid into his arms like Naruto was waiting for him to do.

Why Sasuke thought he still needed the pretext of a fight was out of the realm of Naruto’s intelligence and interests but he was glad when it was over. Maybe Sasuke had got out of it everything he wanted after all anyway because he curled in close over Naruto’s chest and slowly, smoothly, in a familiar, rocking rhythm—

Sasuke hadn’t been wearing a shirt from the start and half of Naruto’s was hanging down one side of his arm. Sweaty skin heated by the rolling exertions that Sasuke put into his hips, and all sliding warmly within reach of Naruto’s fingertips—

Things Naruto shouldn’t have let his mind indulge had the burst-burn of sensation swarming through his chest, buzzing just under his skin, but he needn’t have worried about wandering touches when Sasuke was the first—

Naruto didn’t know what to think, his head racing through justifications, because Sasuke— _are you—are you **touching** me?—_

Bright with the feeling of embarrassment when Naruto realised that no, Sasuke wasn’t actually touching him at all, at least not on purpose. Sasuke was threading the hanging strips of Naruto’s shirt through his fingers because he sat back suddenly, stopping all other movements to stare at the ribbons of debris in his hands.

And then Sasuke really _did_ touch Naruto, who could only cautiously watch in Sasuke’s face for hints at an explanation, because after pushing the shredded material carefully out of the way, Sasuke’s stare seemed way too enamored with the broadening expanse of Naruto’s shoulders it revealed.

_Something’s different. Why do you keep looking at me like that?_

There was an awe in Sasuke’s face that Naruto wasn’t quite sure how to deal with, because while a parted mouth usually meant Sasuke was going to bite him, this time Naruto couldn’t any teeth. Instead Sasuke was staring at Naruto’s skin like it was the first time he was really seeing it.

“I’m going to fuck you.”

 _Nope. Just kidding. Straight to it like always._

Sasuke sat up straighter. He dug his hands into the waistband of his pants and pushed them to his knees, fumbling like he was inconsolably hurried and desperate.

“I’m gonna do it, Naruto,” Sasuke breathed. “I’m gonna do it.”

“Just shut up and _do it_ then.”

“Try to stop me,” Sasuke rambled on with a sudden and insensible urgency that Naruto should have paid more attention to. “Did you hear me? Are you listening? Are you?”

“Just _shut up_. Like I could block out your stupid voice even if I tried.”

Sasuke pushed Naruto onto his side, carefully, still dazed and still muttering, quieter.

“I’m really going to do it and you’d better stop me because _god_ I want to fuck you up _so bad_ right now.”

It was going to be rough. All these words about power and control weren’t for Naruto. Inside, anger spiked, although Naruto tried to ignore it, simmering and mixing in to complicate the heat of arousal. These words were for Sasuke, who just wanted to hear the words in his own voice as he wrenched Naruto’s pants down as far as one pull would take them—

“Hey, Naruto.” Naruto piqued at Sasuke’s call, friendly in his ear. “Remember that time you tried to fuck me dry?”

Sasuke was pressing his weight into his hands pitched between Naruto’s shoulder blades, one closer to the column of his neck.

“Do you remember? Do you?”

Sasuke dropped his weight a little more, a little harder, so that Naruto’s arm, the one pinned between the floor and his chest, rendering its power useless and out of commission, flashed a warning of discomfort.

“Just go get the damn oil,” said Naruto. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Weren’t you listening?” said Sasuke. “I want to fuck you _right now_.”

Sasuke’s throat vibrated with quiet delight, leaning forward. Naruto felt it press between his legs and nudging shallowly.

“Stop it.”

“Stop me,” said Sasuke.

It wasn’t enough to set the anxiety in Naruto’s head ringing any louder but—Sasuke was watching him with wide and prying eyes and he was waiting for something that Naruto was pretty sure he wasn’t going to want. Then Sasuke did it again, harder, and Naruto got a sense.

“Sasuke—”

Naruto only let Sasuke do it twice more before he knew he was absolutely going to have to fight, surging with a jolt that knocked Sasuke far enough off balance to render his intentions impossible, for the moment, but not far enough away that Sasuke couldn’t still lash out and pin Naruto down again, a new angle but double the force—

Naruto used the pain to fuel his resistance, sat up and dived his hand between his legs to make a grab at Sasuke. Sasuke jerked out of the way just in time and launched at Naruto’s throat, bending down—

“ _Stop—_ ”

“Come on, Naruto, you’re making it way too easy.”

Naruto was sure now that Sasuke meant to do what he said he was going to do. But unlike Sasuke who was used to eradicating his conscience in order to deal the most harm possible, Naruto just—

_I know I’m weak but just—_

“Sasuke—!”

_What happened to you that would make you want to do this?_

When Sasuke poured his concentration into aiming correctly, lapsing on the restraints that kept his prey subdued so that he could _gouge_ , all the thoughts in Naruto’s head siphoned into sole survival instinct. Naruto snapped, immediately and unthinkingly, and smashed his fist with whatever propulsion he could manage square in Sasuke’s face.

It was enough to disorientate Sasuke, momentarily unable to focus, and that was space enough for Naruto to heave Sasuke off and belt him with his fist again, sending Sasuke skidding on his back out of the hallway and into the dining room.

Naruto gaped and caught his breath. Sasuke was groaning or gurgling or mumbling something but at least he wasn’t moving from the limp heap his limbs had fallen into.

But then Sasuke _was_ moving, sitting up to showcase a nose that had started to spill blood, which his tongue licked at involuntarily as it ran onto his lips and he realized what it was. Sasuke wiped it on his arm, unfazed, and dabbed gentle presses to his cheek where most of the second blow had been collected. Sasuke winced, and then he lifted his eyes to stare at Naruto.

“Not bad,” was Sasuke’s assessment through red-stained top-row teeth. “But I know you can do better.”

Sasuke pulled himself to his feet. He readjusted his pants and took his time doing so, more concerned with watching the building tension in Naruto’s face when Naruto tried to stand and do the same.

And just like that, Sasuke was back in Naruto face again, ripping more pieces of the shirt in his frantic attempt to gain leverage and keep it. Naruto fought. With each punch and kick and twist and bend of Naruto’s joints in ways he couldn’t have imagined possible, he found himself disconnecting further from reality. 

_How do I—how do I get out of this? How am I going to get out of this?_

_I just want this to **stop** —please just—_

Like the opponents of the past who Naruto had staked his life upon, he wasn’t sure how he was going to win or if he even stood a chance at winning at all. But Naruto knew he had to win. Absolutely had to win. Naruto knew for his future that he had to win, whatever end that lay waiting for them. And so Naruto forgot: who they were, what they were fighting over, the damage he was doing and whether or not it was recoverable.

Red, viscous chakra pricked at Naruto’s fingertips. Sasuke used his mouth as another weapon when his teeth weren’t buried in skin.

“God, you always rely on that fucking _fox_ —”

Before Sasuke could shove it back with a whirl of his sharingan, Naruto snatched the aiding chakra up. He jumped on his hands, pivoting. Caught Sasuke’s neck between his ankles and flung him at the wall so hard it crushed the plaster and left a smeared imprint of blood to verify his attendance. Twisting. Locked crosshairs on Sasuke’s chest while he was pulling his skull out of the wall and dropped a palm strike to his solar plexus that sent Sasuke cartwheeling back into the dining room, more than hard enough to disable him.

Naruto stood and stepped back, stumbling. He watched Sasuke’s lungs heave for breath, too paralysed to do anything else but curl inward and perform the basic functions that kept him alive.

_It’s over. Isn’t it?_

_Please let it be over._

Naruto walked closer, warily staring down at Sasuke’s gasping carcass and his eyes clenched in pain. Even though Sasuke couldn’t react, he must have known that Naruto was there.

Sasuke put his thumb up. He was giving Naruto a thumbs up, who wasn’t sure if that meant he was okay or—

“Better,” Sasuke rasped, and then his hand fell away.

“Better?”

“Wild.”

Naruto stared.

Sasuke’s eyes waded open, wheezing still but smiling with a mouth full of teeth outlined in red. He lay in silence, smiling and staring unfocused until he had recovered enough to form a sentence.

“I wasn’t really going to do it,” said Sasuke. He breathed in deeply again. “But your—” coughing, “your face—”

Sasuke laughed. On the ground with his face a mess of scratches, choking on blood when his lungs spasmed too quickly and he drank his own bodily fluids instead of the oxygen they were seeking and _still_ he laughed through the convulsions.

Naruto stared.

_I don’t believe you._

“You promised you’d fight me,” said Sasuke.

Naruto stared. His heart hurt.

_I don’t trust you._

“Why would I anyway?” said Sasuke. “Need to keep you keen for a little longer at least.”

“You are actually crazy, aren’t you,” said Naruto.

“Crazy?” Sasuke spat, offended. He burst another laugh. “Come on, it was just a bit of fun.”

“That was for _fun?_ ”

“Believe me, if I really wanted to, I could.”

Naruto stared. His heart hurt and something was coming up his throat greater than he knew how to handle. Then Sasuke’s mouth slipped into a smile so calm and confident that Naruto would rattle the bones in his fist again just to wipe it off Sasuke’s face.

That was what Sai walked into the apartment to see Naruto doing. To his credit, Naruto felt the shame of his actions immediately and acutely enough that he jolted a step back, stuttering on his feet and stumbling through the shock.

Sai looked unperturbed by the scene he had walked into. He said, “I bet it’s about washing.”

“Huh?”

“The fight.” Sai motioned between casual steps. “I bet it’s about washing.”

Already jittery, Naruto could do nothing more than deflect the question of how he knew back onto Sai.

“You always fight about washing. Last time was about washing too.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah,” said Sai. “Maybe you should stop doing Sasuke’s washing if it upsets you that much.”

Naruto stared. Sai was only trying to help and he knew that. But the way Sai could sew the enormity of what had just happened into a tiny, blithe mouthful of understanding was going to be Naruto’s downfall if he didn’t blow Sai off as quickly as possible.

“Yeah,” said Naruto. “Maybe I should just—”

\--

Sakura came to him later, as Naruto expected she might, because the hole in the wall was five times bigger than the last and streaked with evidence he hadn’t been able to scrub off completely. She closed his bedroom door and Naruto pointed his face in her direction and heard her reprimands.

But she didn’t reprimand him. She only asked:

“What happened?”

Naruto had been lectured by well-meaning people more than enough times in his life to know how to deal with the fallout. All they wanted was for their concerns to be heard. They wanted to feel like they were bending crooked people back into place. Even if they did drivel on too long trying to get their message across, a bowed head and a mumbled “I’m sorry” was usually adequate at placating their morality and goodwill. 

But to the _why_ and _what happened_ questions, Naruto was unsure what the best practices were. Especially since he had been too disorientated to come up with an excuse yet and Sasuke’s blood was still flaking off his knuckles.

_What do I say? Should I tell the truth? Should I lie?_

_Come on come on come on just—go with the status quo if you can’t think of anything—_

“We were just playing around and things got a bit rough.”

If he didn’t meet Sakura’s stare, she wasn’t going to believe him.

“Really?” Nothing about her expression seemed appeased. “Because that’s what Sasuke-kun said too.”

And _that_ made Naruto’s eyes flick away. Because what was more novel: that she had already talked to Sasuke before coming to see him or that Sasuke had miraculously bullshitted the same lie that he had?

_No. I’m sure there was no miracle involved at all._

_I’m sure you already knew I’d lie for you, and what I’d lie about._

But she believed him. Sort of. Or she was inclined to believe him and all Naruto had to do was stitch up the remaining doubt that had made her come to him and ask the same question again.

“Ha, really?” Naruto broke his features down into a smug grin. “You know, I was sure he’d say something else. I can’t believe he admitted to it seeing as how he _lost_.”

Sakura put on a polite smile.

“I healed him.”

“Okay.”

“Unfortunately I can’t work the same magic on the wall.”

“Yeah well you know there’s always bound to be a little bit of collateral,” laughing. Sakura did not. “I’ll fix it.”

Sakura didn’t say anything and stood up. The trickling relief at not being more thoroughly interviewed and castigated lasted until she left the room and Naruto had to sit in silence with his thoughts. With one thought.

_I hit you while you were down._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, One Week, Four Days 

  


Even Naruto knew enough to know that was a bad sign. Uncharacteristic. It shook him to think that such violence resided inside of him.

His first instinct against an attack, even one from himself, was to defend. Without even meaning to, he found his thoughts trying to aim the blame in another direction. It wasn’t his fault. How was he supposed to remain in control when he had been so sure that Sasuke—

_Doesn’t matter. I still hit you when you couldn’t defend yourself._

It weighed on his mind, that last blow. Because even though he was a skilled ninja, the academy hadn’t managed to catch him before kindness had already walked in and made a home in his heart. Because although he could try to rationalize that Sasuke had probably deserved it, still—he wasn’t totally convinced of that either. Because he was afraid that if he could rationalise this then he could rationalize anything.

Naruto stood up. 

“Do you want anything from the kitchen?” he asked. He wasn’t facing Sai but he was asking.

“No, I’m good.”

Sai watched when Naruto turned and walked out of the lounge room and avoided the kitchen altogether. Instead he went into the hallway. Weird. But that was all it was. Just weird. He turned back to the television.

Naruto let his feet lead because if he thought about it, he wasn’t going to make it. Already the daze was in his head but he walked as far as he needed to, closed the door and sat on Sakura’s bed.

She greeted him. His heart was pounding.

“Sakura-chan.”

Naruto breathed in. He swallowed.

“Let’s go out.”

She wasn’t saying anything when he needed her to. He stared at the floor.

“I need to tell you something.”

“What’s up?”

“I don’t want to say it here.”

“It’s okay. You can talk to me.”

_No. It’s not okay. Because you room is right next to his and these walls are as thin as paper._

Naruto tilted his chin and cast a glance at her. She was—blushing? He stared a long moment longer.

“Let’s go out, just you and me, just this once.”

“But it’s raining. I don’t want to go out when it’s raining.”

“Take an umbrella.”

“No~ I don’t want to~” in a sing-song tune like she was trying to be cute. Rejection when she didn’t want to reject him with full force.

But Naruto kept at it until he wore her down. “I’ll buy you a hot chocolate. A really nice one made with real chocolate.”

“I’m tired~”

“Just for a little while. Five minutes.”

“Hot chocolate takes longer than five minutes, you know.”

“Then come out for however long it takes to get hot chocolate. I’ll tell you on the way.”

“What if we just buy some powder and make it at home?”

Naruto’s heart started to beat not with nervousness but with the heat of annoyance. She was doing her very best to get out of going out with him and he had no idea why she was being coy like this, now of all times.

_Don’t get angry. It’s not her fault. Just keep at it until she runs out of excuses._

“Sure. Okay. Let’s go out and buy some powder.”

“Can’t you go get it?” she whinged again, sweetly.

“It’s more fun when you’re there.”

“I don’t wanna~”

“Listen, Sakura-chan,” the abrupt seriousness in his tone doing exactly what he needed it to and holding her attention to his clear eyes set on a starless face. “I don’t care what we do but I have something I want to tell you and I need you to come out with me.”

The playfulness dropped out of her expression. At least she seemed to understand that there was something different about the way he was asking. She was quiet, carefully considering what she was going to say.

“I can’t go out with you,” she said, gently.

“Why not?”

“I just can’t.”

“Okay well if you think I’m going to accept that as an excuse then—” cutting off when she put her eyes back on him too quickly. “How come you can’t?”

“I just can’t.”

“Please.”

Sakura sat a moment, thinking. Naruto caught the huff in his throat before it could vibrate and vocalise. She was either conjuring up more excuses or finding other suggestions or anything that wasn’t the truth.

“What about Sai?”

_Seriously?_

“If I wanted to go out with Sai, I would have asked him.”

“You should ask him.”

“But I’m asking _you_.”

Sakura looked at the ground and shuffled her toes. She didn’t say anything.

“Why can’t you go out with me?”

_Come on, I thought this was what I was supposed to do—_

Sakura took a breath and poured the exhale out slowly through her nose. “To be honest, I think I already know what you’re going to say.”

Naruto started, startled, sat up straighter—a wave of cold, flushing dread beginning just behind his sternum ran down his chest before he realised that—

_You don’t. Impossible. You can’t._

Naruto didn’t believe her. He couldn’t believe her. There was no way she could know what he was going to say. If she knew—she didn’t. She didn’t. She couldn’t. _Couldn’t_. Because if she knew and she still had the cruelty to turn him down and let him deal with it on his own—

“And I’m sorry but no matter how much I try, I just can’t like you that way.”

“What?”

Sakura was blushing and staring at her toes wriggling along the lines of wood.

“Sakura-chan—I’m not asking you _out_ like that.”

Her eyes, still resolutely fixed on her feet, were drawn too far down for her to see the unfathomable disbelief in his.

“Come on, you know that’s not what I’m asking.”

Sakura wouldn’t open her mouth.

“You’re lying to me.”

“If that’s what you want to believe.”

“What?”

“Just go out with Sai. Why does it need to be me?”

Naruto had no intention of telling Sai, ever, and not just because he thought Sai was second as a friend to Sakura. He had spent the last two years talking up his bond with Sasuke in front of Sai’s eyes and he now was just too proud and too stubborn and too ashamed and too unprepared to admit that it might not be as glorious as he had made it seem.

_There’s still a chance that things could change if you just—_

“Look at me,” Naruto pleaded, and in her eyes as well painful secrets were held hostage, “I want to tell you something. But not here. Please come out with me. Please.”

“You should stay here.”

“Sakura-chan—”

“What about Sasuke-kun?”

“Who cares? Let Sai deal with him.”

“You should stay here for Sasuke-kun.”

It was when Sakura stretched her excuses as far as Sasuke that Naruto knew, as long as he kept talking like that, kept giving answers to her excuses instead of ruthlessly pursuing his demands, that she was never going to relent. He stared, at fingers he didn’t know he had so tightly wound around the edge of the bed. Things were getting a little too beyond the reach of his control, if he even had any control at all. Because what _if_ the only way they were going to get back some semblance of the old Sasuke was for Naruto to keep giving up to him every time he came for it?

_Impossible. It sounds stupid even to my ears. There has to be another way—_

“This is so fucking stupid.”

“Huh?”

“What’s wrong with you? Since when did I ever have to fight this hard to make you go out with me?”

“It’s not all about you—”

“What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

“Sasuke-kun needs to know you’re here—”

“That fuckface doesn’t need to know _shit_ —”

“You’re scaring me—”

Naruto caught himself again, stopping when Sakura almost started— _almost_ —thank god, just in time, softening his face to say sorry, he didn’t mean what he said, not really, he just got carried away in his anger and said stupid shit like he always did.

Sakura heard his apologies, looking down to fiddle with some button on her cardigan: a distraction and a comfort.

“Let’s all go out together when Sasuke-kun’s allowed outside.”

What else could he do but agree?  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, One Week, Six Days 

  


Naruto considered dashing his dreams of becoming Hokage in favor of becoming the best goddamn farmer the history books had ever recorded. He’d grow the shit out of corn and pears and cabbages and live in sweet bliss from all the world’s problems with a nice wife and two and a half children.

“Do you know these people?” Sai asked and Naruto shook his head. “Then how come we’re walking around their rice paddies?”

Naruto ignored the second question and focused on his feet, heading towards a small resting pagoda at the far end of the field. He might not have known these people but they would have known the demon fox boy and he wasn’t in the mood to tell Sai the whole sob story of a childhood spent being blanked by the world.

“Stop asking questions and just follow.”

Both of their shoes were caked in mud and the hems of their pants were dirty and the rain was just starting to drizzle by the time they made it to the structure. Naruto sat against a beam, watching the strikes of lightning in the distance and listening to the thunder boom. Sai sat with him in delightful silence and Naruto found no reason to start a conversation: where Naruto and Sasuke had functioned better in argument, Naruto and Sai seemed better in silence.

_I really wish you hadn’t pointed out how I compare you with him._

Sai unfolded a scroll and started painting the scenery. He was good at it and Naruto was content to alternate between watching him and closing his eyes against the deafening rain all around, erasing his mind like he had traipsed all the way out there and waited for it to do. He might have napped and it was the most peace he’d felt in a long time.

“You know, we used to get caught in storms a lot like this when we were genin, before we learned how to properly predict the weather.” Naruto stretched a hand out past the roof’s protection and collected water in his palm, light laughter on his tongue. “Our clothes were soaked and we were cold but no one wanted to get undressed so we just sat and got sick.”

“I never saw rain until I left ROOT. We were kept inside.”

“Oh.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Two Weeks, One Day 

  


Catching Sasuke one afternoon sleeping on the dining room floor in front of the window was unnerving. Strange. And after the surprise at finding him there curled with his hands between his thighs for warmth and his dark hair splattered across the floorboards, Naruto thought, if he forgot, for a moment—if he just looked at Sasuke for what he was—because skin as white as his reflected the light of the streaming sun poured all over him and he honestly looked—

_Human._

_You always make it so hard for me to fight you. But one day it’s just going to be all of this, all the time._

_Isn’t it?_

_Peace. I can dream._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Two Weeks, Two Days 

  


The stolen shirt at the back of his wardrobe was starting to smell more like Naruto and less like Sasuke so when he found the opportunity to do so, Naruto was quick to find a suitable replacement.

_After everything that’s happened, I can’t believe I’m still doing this._

Naruto didn’t think too hard about it. He thought only enough that he admitted he wanted a new one but any deeper and he knew he would find things that he wanted to remain untouched. Nibbles like fish at a bait, he could feel the questions sending out smoky wisps, luring him down, asking him why he was still doing this if he thought he hated Sasuke so much and it was obvious enough that he didn’t, never had, and whatever mess of a friendship he and Sasuke had was just _different_ and unhateable and if he had to direct his hatred at something, it was that he brutally _couldn’t_ hate him.

Naruto could fire the blame at particular aspects of his life: that most of it had been composed of so few meaningful relationships and even fewer friends. It meant he pursued the friends he did make to the extreme, held onto them beyond normal expectations, defined himself by them, raised them up and made them something ethereal that they shouldn’t have been— _but sometimes people just **connect** that intensely with another person, right?_ —and he could make excuses for anything in existence but—his mind screamed at him, asking him just _what_ he was supposed to do if that was just how he was—thinking about the future and worrying he’d either drown in his obsessions or never recover from the severance if Sasuke wouldn’t recognise him, if not accepted him.

So all things considered, a stolen shirt was manageable.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Two Weeks, Three Days 

  


_Three days since the ANBU made another note in their report._

“ _Sai!_ ”

“Yeah?”

“Fuck me, are your ears just there for decoration?”

Sai thought about it and came to the conclusion that: “Are you making a joke? Usually if people don’t get it, it means it’s not funny.”

Naruto first had to recover from the punch of frustration to the front of his head. He scrunched his eyes shut as hard as he could and absorbed the rest of his supreme irritation into his jaw and his fists. Sai watched him, or turned his attention on the fish jumping in the lake when that was a more interesting utilization of his time.

“How did you ever make it as a ninja?”

“They beat it into us. We didn’t have a choice. I probably would have been a painter had—”

“Just _shut up_ —god, I’m not asking for an actual answer. Look, if I have to turn my head to see you, it means you’ve wandered off too far, okay? Stay where I can see you. Right in front.”

“Okay.”

Sai walked away to scavenge the ground again for pebbles while Naruto took his face out of the sun and found a cool, soothing shadow to lie in. As the tempo of his heartbeats slowed, he dusted the rocks they had already collected and let in the pangs of guilt.

“Here’s another.” Sai dropped the pebble into the pile.

“The hell is this? What is this?—wood?”

“It’s the shape you said you wanted.”

Naruto spread his thumb and fingers out across his brow, rubbing and squinting out the pain. “Pebble. Tell me what this word means to you.”

Sai, rather blandly, simply answered, “I have no feelings either way for that word.”

“ _Clearly_. What, were you educated in the dark?”

“Sometimes.”

“Sai. _Shut up_.”

“You keep telling me to do that but then you keep asking me questions. I really don’t know what you expect from me.”

Naruto laughed, because it was funny, the way that Sai took things so literally that he ended up saying more about the state of human communication than anyone was ever expecting. He turned into the shade again and listened to Sai’s footsteps around the banks and his pleasant humming while doing so.

_Fifty-five days since we started fucking everything up._

Naruto roused from daydreams he didn’t know had overtaken him as scuffs on the soil wandered back into proximity.

“Do we have enough pebbles yet?”

Naruto inspected the current quantity. “I guess. Here’s your _amazing_ wood-pebble.”

“Do I have to throw it away? I want to keep it as a souvenir.”

Naruto scoffed, but then the sincere look on Sai’s face made him ask, “Of what?”

“Today.”

Now Naruto really wanted to ask, but then he also wanted to save it for another day when he really needed a laugh.

Approaching the water’s edge and demonstrating to Sai the proper technique, Naruto unleashed a pebble whizzing and skipping across the shimmering liquid until it sunk through, bubbled and disappeared. Sai was delighted by the magic.

“No magic about it. Even you could do it.”

Sai lobbed— _lobbed_ —lobbed his pebble at the water, hitting the surface with a throaty plop, and turned to Naruto with an over-abused smile.

“How was that?”

Naruto had just as much fun assembling an assessment as he did reciting it. “ _That_ —would inspire in warriors the kind of passion that could start a war.”

And Sai, honing in on the word _passion_ apparently and forgetting to piece it in with the rest, responded exactly as Naruto was waiting for him to do. “Thanks,” with a big, stupid grin to top it all off.

While Naruto sought peace again and rested back against the bark of the tree, watching Sai do whatever he thought he was doing, the guilt climbed back into his head. Because to taunt Sai and laugh in his face was a terrible thing to do for a moment of enjoyment that would soon be deleted from his memory’s history—and ordinarily he wouldn’t have, except the problem was that every time Naruto tried to engross his imagination with a different occupation, it always returned to the same thing.

_One hundred and seventy-eight days since you came back and we still don’t know why._

“We’re out of pebbles.”

Naruto opened his eyes. Sai wasn’t lying. “But there were so many. How did you get through them so fast?”

“Oh, I threw them all in at once.”

“And _why_ would you do that?”

“It was going to take too long to throw them one by one.”

Sai was nothing if not efficient.

“But that’s the point. The point is to throw them one by one and watch them.”

“Well, they were going to end up in the water anyway.”

That Sai was a results-oriented thinker didn’t surprise Naruto, though now he had nothing left to suck Sai’s attention into while he dozed. If he let this kid stick around like this, curiosity and expectation almost as familiar on his face as his practiced smiles, Naruto was only going to feel more of his annoying quips and questions funnel into his eardrums.

“Cloud watch.”

“Watch the clouds?”

“A genius among mortals,” Naruto mused. Sai beamed. “Though you might not be very good at it because of the whole underground childhood thing. Do your best. I believe in you.”

“Thanks. I will.”

Naruto would apologise, later, with silent actions if his mouth couldn’t unhinge to form the words, for teasing Sai beyond the boundaries of innocent humouring. It was just that, right now, where his mood had started out bitter and chaotic and larger than the size of its container, it was now as flat and cool and calm as the lake water in front of them. Strange how all the snapped words, the jagged tone and the unfriendly profanity faded away so easily when smothered by the soft walls of Sai’s ignorance.

_Sixty-five days remaining until Sakura-chan said you’d be better._

“What do you see?”

“Clouds.”

Naruto smiled. “Anything else?”

“Atmosphere.”

“Okay well when you cloud watch, you’re supposed to—ah, nevermind.” Naruto inhaled, dizzy with lungs stretched full of forest air. “This is nice.”

“Yeah. It is, isn’t it?”

What had started out as a terrible day reminded upon reanimation into the world by something as stupid as an offhand thought like— _today? tomorrow?_ —was now just: gone. Forgotten to the intermediating tranquillity nestled in the knowledge that there was someone there for him if he called out their name.

_But who’s counting?_

“Sai?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re alright.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Two Weeks, Four Days 

  


Sakura flitting about his bedroom doorway, dancing from foot to foot and looking far too cunning, made Naruto immediately suspicious. She was never the one to come find him like this anymore, never this happy to see him lying about his bed re-reading sun-bleached, frayed-edged comic books with the crumbs of rice crackers dusting his shirt. He had done something wrong, put a carton of milk with only two drops remaining back in the fridge or—forgotten to take out the laundry after its cycle had finished or—hadn’t changed the toilet roll when it was almost done—

“So~” Sakura quipped sweetly. “Anything you want to tell me?”

Naruto stalled. He looked at her carefully and raced to catch up with her thinking. There was too much light and alive energy in her face for her to be asking what had the blood in his veins suddenly seize, too unguarded was her expression to be trying to _tease_ out of him such solemn, sobering knowledge.

But still, those words had come from another mouth once, and Naruto was nothing but wary.

“What do you mean?”

“I knew it.” Sakura’s jittering stopped, and the huff from her lips was as tight and contained as the arms that folded across her chest. “Do you know what day it is today?”

_Day? A day? What day is it today?_

“It’s… your birthday?”

“Well at least you guessed correctly.”

Like cool, cascading water onto his shoulders, Naruto felt the weight release. He shouldn’t have been so happy at forgetting something like his _best friend’s birthday_ but a small smile that belied only a fraction of the heady relief he felt still sat at the corners of his mouth. Of course. She had been too carelessly open and vulnerable to risk unraveling that kind of destruction in the middle his doorway.

_Am I getting too paranoid about this? I should really tell someone. Tell you. Tell anyone._

_But today is just not a day when I feel like talking about it._

“I thought you were planning something since you’ve been hanging out with Sai so much lately but I guess not.”

“Yeah, uh… sorry about that. I’ve just been busy with, um…”

“It’s okay,” Sakura waved off before he could start naming invisible excuses. “You still have time to make it up to me so can you go find Sai and Sasuke-kun and plan something special for tonight?”

A sour look flattened Naruto’s face before he could puppet his features into anything else that Sakura wouldn’t read as unwillingness.

“I’ll do it,” Naruto agreed before she could comment on it. “Where’s Sai?”

“ _And_ Sasuke-kun.”

“Yeah, him too, whatever.”

“Naruto.”

Naruto sighed. “Fine, I’ll talk to him.”

“I _want_ ,” leaning on the doorframe, the impatience in her voice deflected by Naruto’s cheek when he rolled his eyes away blankly to look at something that wasn’t her frown, “a present from all my friends. Including Sasuke-kun. Can you _please_ talk to him and decide something together?”

“Okay, okay. I’ll go talk to him.”

“Make sure you do.” But there must have been something Sakura saw that had the leftover skepticism biting at her tongue. “Are you going to go talk to him?”

“I said I would.”

“I’ll ask and if he says you didn’t talk to him—”

“ _I’ll talk to him._ I said I’d talk to him.”

“It’s just that…” Sakura looked behind her and then crept further into his room, pushing the door until it almost closed. She put her hand to her mouth to bend her voice away from assassin ears and said in a voice dropped low, “I really think it would be good for him if we all did something together. But you know Sasuke-kun. He won’t just cooperate. So use my birthday as an excuse and find something for us to all do. Okay?”

Sakura was doing silly things like putting all her hopes and dreams in his care again. Naruto hadn’t been able to say no to her before and he still couldn’t, even now, even though he wanted to. All he could do was push the pain out of his face, snap his comic book closed and drag his limbs out of bed.

Sakura, satisfied now, straightened her posture with the intention to leave.

“You know, you really take this rivalry thing with him way too seriously.”

“Probably.”

Sakura watched him amble to his feet but her humored stare contained none of the concern that Naruto really wanted to see.

“Be nice, okay? I’m going out now. I’ll leave you to talk in peace.”

“Where are you going?”

“Out with friends who actually remembered my birthday,” she teased again, opening the door. “So if you need anything, either you or Sai will have to go get it.”

Naruto followed her far enough into the hallway to hear one more final reminder and see the pointed, praying look she really didn’t need to give him before the door closed with a click on her way out.

Naruto twisted his feet around, making for Sasuke’s room. If he didn’t get the worst out of the way early, it was going to spend all day swelling in his head. He walked until he was standing in front of Sasuke’s door with his fist raised to the polished wood.

“Hey,” hollered through the barrier after banging out a succession of knocks. “It’s Sakura-chan’s birthday today. Got any ideas?”

There was no response and Naruto wasn’t waiting for one.

“No? Well at least make sure you say something to her.”

_We talked. That was talk. I talked._

But Naruto still had to decide something for Sakura’s birthday and Sai’s room was sky-bright with open curtains and warm with the late morning sun. He peered over Sai’s shoulder, who was perfectly perched at the very edge of his chair sitting straight with an arm out to one side moving in short flexes of muscles. The sunshine set the white paper too brightly aglow to make out much more than what looked to be the pencil sketchings of a forest.

Sai finished the temple bell he was concentrating on and turned to acknowledge his guest.

“What are you drawing?”

Sai’s bed looked inviting. Naruto crawled onto it and stretched out on his stomach, wrapping his arms around Sai’s pillow and pulling it to his nose. It smelled like their shared shampoo. Sai must have washed his hair recently.

“It’s a commissioned piece for the academy.”

“They always want the most boring things—not that what you’ve drawn is boring,” Naruto backtracked, though he wasn’t sure if Sai had really understood that he had been potentially insulted because he smiled all the same. “They should put up paintings that kids want to look at, not the officials who visit once a year.”

Sai posed an interesting question: “Why wouldn’t kids want to look at a painting of a forest?” Naruto felt his stomach quiver in silent laughter.

“Anyway, Sakura-chan wants us to do something for her birthday. Ideas?”

Sai slung an ankle over the other knee and dismantled his spine into a slouch with one elbow propped on the back of the chair: a conversational pose that looked too out of place on Sai to be anything but learned and practiced, but which put Naruto at ease all the same. 

“We could make a cake?”

“Yeah but we don’t have an oven,” Naruto shot down. “Next.”

“How about a sleepover?”

“We already live in the same house.”

“I mean, we could drag a couple of mattresses into the lounge room, eat snacks and play games together.”

Just the thought of it. “You’ve been watching too many dramas.”

“Yeah, well… it’s not like we had birthday parties—”

“In ROOT. Yeah, I know, you had a terrible time there. Next.”

Sasuke appeared at the door, pulling Naruto’s attention away from Sai, looking ruffled and puffy like all the thumping at his door had roused him from sleep. He didn’t enter, though his gaze drifted over the room assessingly and settled on Naruto, who decided there were more intriguing things in the lines of his hands.

“The sleepover idea sounds good.”

_No one asked for your opinion._

Sai looked at Naruto, because that was where Sasuke was looking, but Naruto kept playing with the hard calluses decorating the bonier parts of his hands until enough time passed by that Sai decided to take the lead.

Sai reiterated Naruto’s worries. “But we already live in the same house.”

And Sasuke repeated Sai’s suggestion. “We could drag a couple of mattresses into the lounge room, eat snacks and play games together.”

_God, these walls are thin. No secrets here._

Sai was looking at Naruto for direction again.

“Sounds like a good idea?” Sai offered.

“It’s really not. Next.”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Sasuke asked.

Naruto wasn’t going to be lectured about good ideas by a person who had so far dedicated his life to making mistakes. “What else did those dramas teach you, Sai?”

“Sometimes the rich women go to spas, spread mud on their faces and lie under heat lamps.”

“No. Impractical. And expensive. Next.”

“I still think a sleepover is the best idea. Everything we need is already here.”

Sai looked over at Sasuke again, but Sasuke was still looking at Naruto and everything Sai knew about social interaction told him Naruto should have been the one to answer. But Naruto, now turned away from his hands, was studying the thread composition of the bedspread and picking out bits of fluff to be disposed with a flick of his fingers onto the ground.

“How about a sleepover?” Sai asked again.

“I already said no.”

“Why?” This time it was Sasuke.

“What about you draw her something, Sai?”

“She wants something from all of us.” Sasuke just would not _shut up_.

“Sai?”

“ _Naruto_.”

“You got any money? I’ll just go out and buy her some, I don’t know… jewellery or something.”

“Just have the fucking sleepover.”

Naruto knew it was childish but he wouldn’t talk to Sasuke. He wouldn’t. He would just ignore him until he went away. He would talk through Sai and let Sai talk to Sasuke until Sasuke gave up and went back to his room to sleep or brood or plot the next way to get under Naruto’s skin. But Naruto wouldn’t talk to him. He didn’t want to and no one was going to make him.

“What if we just make dinner for her?” Naruto tossed into the air. “Anyone know Sakura-chan’s favorite food?” 

“How is that any different from what you do any other night?”

Sasuke was really fighting hard for this sleepover.

“What if we take a photo and put it in a nice frame?”

“Do _you_ want the memory of us right now?”

This time Naruto looked at Sasuke, and it wasn’t the comment really or even the succeeding silence that bothered him. It was that amused kind of smile softening the edges of Sasuke’s mouth like he knew just what to do to erupt scalding anger to the peaks of Naruto’s cheeks.

_God, why do you keep **going after** me? What exactly did I ever do to you for you to be so—_

But he still wouldn’t give in to Sasuke’s provocations, even though it would have been _fucking incredible_ to pin him down with a solid shatter to his ribcage and demand to hear answers. Until Sasuke was allowed outside, Naruto had a feeling that the best he could do was continue to put up a steadfast shield of brick-walled blindness and ignore Sasuke’s attempts to spurn a reaction out of him.

_This is turning out to be just too much trouble._

“I’d rather just get yelled at,” Naruto mused out loud.

“I think Sakura would really like cake and a sleepover.”

Naruto sighed, closing his eyes. Sai had no loyalties.

“Then it’s settled. Me and Sai can set up the mattresses. Go out and buy a cake.”

“Sai, I’m going to take a nap on your bed.”

“Get up and go buy a cake.”

Naruto didn’t move.

“I can go out and buy it—”

“Stay here,” Naruto said, quiet enough to be commanding. “I like the sound of your pencil. Puts me to sleep.”

“You know, we could probably even make a cake at home.”

Naruto opened his eyes for this, curious, confused and suspicious, staring at Sai.

“Couldn’t we just use your rasengan and your fire jutsu,” staring at Naruto and Sasuke in turn. “to make a cake? As long as we have all the ingredients, you could just spin the cake like a rasengan while Sasuke cooks it.”

It sounded logical enough. Even to Sasuke’s ears, it seemed like it made sense, because unlike the uncertainty in Naruto’s face, Sasuke seemed calm and self-assured.

“Sasuke’s not supposed to be using chakra, remember?”

“They’ll let me. Just explain it’s for Sakura’s birthday.”

“I’ll just buy a cake later. No need to risk burning the apartment down _on Sakura-chan’s birthday_.”

“What, don’t tell me you still haven’t properly learned how to control your chakra?”

When Sasuke starting digging for childish blows and weak barbs that could easily be ignored, Naruto knew he had run out of inspiration. He rolled over, closed his eyes, and waited until he heard Sasuke finally fuck off somewhere else. The door of the fridge opened, some cupboards, and afterwards a clattering of utensils against metal pans put to in Naruto’s imagination a clear enough picture of what Sasuke was now up to. But he didn’t stir, and neither did Sai.

_Do whatever you want. I don’t care._

Sai turned back to his art, untroubled by the exchange. His only conclusion was:

“You and Sasuke are really strange best friends.”

So even Sai was aware enough to know that.

“Probably.”

\--

It took another forty minutes after Naruto roused from his nap to actually wake up, although by that time Sai had moved on from sketching to painting. Despite being canvassed entirely in black, the forest scene was looking rather radiating.

“Color is nice. But just because there’s a lot of color doesn’t mean it’s more complex. Monochrome can be just as revealing.”

Naruto still had too many clouds in his head to be appraising art techniques. “I’m gonna go buy a cake.”

“I think Sasuke has already mixed together all of the ingredients.”

“That’s nice.”

Naruto saw Sasuke in his peripheral vision sitting in the lounge room. He also saw a theatre of packets and cooking utensils on the kitchen counter but Naruto had no idea how to make a cake and he similarly doubted that Sasuke had ever had time in his life to learn either.

_Let’s not tempt fate._

\--

The sleepover was the worst idea. It was also their only idea. Organizing the mattresses with Sai while Sasuke supervised from the couch, Naruto scrolled through all the different possible combinations of ways that they could be arranged.

“Me.” Naruto pointed to one end. “Sakura-chan. You. Sasuke.”

And then he dumped the cake batter and cleaned up all evidence of its creation.

\--

Sakura bobbed her head through the door first, looking over the apartment for signs of activity. Naruto turned from where he was at the stove, stirring miso paste through the bubbling broth and greeted her happily.

“Something smells good.”

“Just pork cutlets. Nothing special.”

Sakura opened the door a little more and wriggled through, skipping over to look at the meal and then twirled her way to the lounge room. When she asked about the mattresses, Sasuke explained.

“We decided to give you a sleepover. Like old times when we used to camp out together. Turn off the light.”

Sakura turned off the light to the smooth shine of glow-in-the-dark stars affixed to the ceiling.

“Naruto’s idea.”

So delighted was Sakura by their minimalist preparations that even Naruto had to smile despite himself at the height of her squeals.

\--

Sai helpfully mentioned the cake idea in front of Sakura.

“You’re going to make a cake for me?”

Naruto hated to suppress her excitement but if he didn’t get that idea out of her head, no one else was going to do it for him.

“ _Were_. Until we realized it would never work.”

“I told you to spin it with your rasengan while Sasuke cooks it using his fire jutsu.”

_Fucking hell, Sai._

“And I told _you_ that Sasuke isn’t supposed to be using chakra.”

Thankfully Sakura came to his rescue carrying logic. “It does seem like a pretty bad idea to light a fire inside.”

She turned to Naruto and propped her chin in her hands, charming him with wide, green eyes, pleading, and he was going to have to knock that back too.

“We bought a cake for you instead.”

Sakura eased up and smiled. “Thanks. But it’d be really awesome to get a cake made by my best friends one day.”

“Next year,” Naruto promised into the empty air.

\--

Nobody was going to oppose Sakura first choice at picking a teammate on her birthday. She sat close by Sasuke and giggled at his comments and the glitter of a real smile somehow caught the edges of Sasuke’s mouth. Naruto flipped over the timer.

“Thing that cans are made of.”

“Aluminium.”

“Oh, uh—the other thing that cans can be made of.”

“Tin?”

“Yup. Next, the long, metal string that you use in fights.”

“Wire.”

“Yup. Ice water falling from the sky.”

“Snow.”

“Oh, I mean snow and rain together.”

“Sleet?”

“Yup.”

From an objective standpoint, their team was good. Much better than his partnership with Sai. Naruto continued to gaze at the plastic universe on the ceiling.

\--

Sasuke hadn’t started out smiling. Sakura had to bribe it out of him with lyrical words and fairy-light compliments and she had to do it alone and all she got out of it was one tiny, unintentional smile. Then Sasuke went back to not looking like anything at all.

_Anything to make him forget that all the battles he has fought and the death he has seen and the pain he has suffered has amounted to a silly board game._

\--

“When you want a lot of stuff.”

“Rich.”

“No. You want it but you don’t need it.”

“Fashionable.”

“No. It’s one of the six sins.”

“Aren’t there seven?”

“Whatever, just answer.”

“Avarice?”

“Yeah but an easier word than that.”

“Greed.”

“Thank god for that.” Naruto flicked the card away like a ninja star and picked up the next one. “Opposite of harder.”

“Softer.”

“No—okay, the other opposite of harder.”

“Simpler.”

Naruto had a look for Sai. “An easier w—fuck I said it!”

“But I thought that was cheating.”

“Sorry,” Sakura hedged. “Time’s up.”

\--

By the end of the first round, Sakura had still not been able to determine if anyone was having a good time but no one was leaving at least, even if Naruto did seem to be taking the hit to his pride at losing more personally than he should have.

“This is a stupid game. Let’s play again.”

Sakura glanced at Sasuke and Sai to gauge their willingness to participate in a second round and there was nothing about their appearance that made them look open to the suggestion. She tried to explain to Naruto that, firstly _it was just a game_ and it didn’t matter who won—

“—I’ll be on that usuratonkachi’s team this time.”

Sakura tried not to show her surprise but whatever was on her face couldn’t compare with Naruto’s blatant expression, twisting his head around too fast and too stunned—

“Okay!” before Naruto could get over his shock in time to disrupt the brief and tranquil transition. “Me and Sai against you two. Sounds good. You still want to start?”

“I’ll read,” Sasuke announced, picking up the first card. “Don’t suck.”

“Just read the card.”

Sakura turned over the timer.

“The birds my clan used to raise.”

“Hawks.”

“Round, red vegetable that I like.”

“Tomato.”

“I thought tomatoes were a fruit,” Sakura said.

“Yeah but Naruto doesn’t know that.”

“What?”

“Next, our team number.”

“Seven.”

“The reptile that I can summon.”

“Snake.”

“Another word for snakes.”

“…Serpent?”

“Colour of my old forearm protectors.”

“White.”

“Thing you gave me for my birthday.”

“…Are you really reading the cards?”

“Yes, now hurry up and answer it before the time runs out.”

“…A sunrise,” still sceptical.

Sasuke puffed a laugh. “What it’s called when someone runs away from a village.”

“Now I know you’re not really reading the cards.”

Sasuke flicked the ‘defection’ card at Naruto.

“The thing that has information about black-listed ninja like me.”

“Bingo book.”

“When people do this” curling his hands on either side of his face and rubbing back and forth, pulling his eyes large and wide open, “what are they trying to do?”

“Look cute?”

“I look cute, do I?” Sasuke pulled back and smiled. “Thanks.”

\--

Apart from the ‘defection’ card, Sasuke hadn’t read any of the cards correctly. Naruto wondered why he hadn’t taken the game seriously and that was the only thing he allowed himself to wonder, because even though the clutter of heavy thoughts wading at the surface made him feel out of sorts, he wouldn’t think them, give them time.

_Everything you do is just to tease me. I don’t know why I haven’t learnt this yet or why it still surprises me._

_I guess I still believe in you. I still—_

Naruto went to his bedroom for a little while to rest and get his groove back. In the meantime Sakura went ahead and decided the sleeping arrangements.

“It’s your birthday. You should have one of us on each side of you at least.”

“I told you that my birthday is just an excuse. Please?”

Naruto stared straight ahead with the entirety of the conflict in his head shown on his face. “Please no.”

“ _Please?_ I don’t want to have to guilt you into it by actually pulling the birthday card.”

Naruto groaned.

_Just one night. He wouldn’t dare try anything._

_Would he?_

“Hey, why don’t you think he played the game properly?” Naruto asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe Sasuke-kun just wanted to ask you questions he was sure you would know.”

_I know, right. And I did know them. All of them. I still know so much about him._

“Yeah.”

“So?” Sakura urged. “Can you please sleep next to him?”

Naruto didn’t fight it anymore. Sakura saw victory.

She thanked him.

\--

Naruto thought a lot about the kind of pain he would inflict if Sasuke had the boldness to travel over to his side at any time during the night. Luckily, though, Sasuke kept to himself. He stayed away. In fact, he leaned more into Sakura’s side, and then it was a different kind of uneasiness that made it impossible for Naruto to sleep. He sat up and rested his head atop his knees, rubbed the lines out of his forehead and busied his tired brain with—

_Useless, useless thoughts. It’s just sleeping. There’s not a person in the world who can control where they roll in their sleep._

_I knew this was a terrible idea, all of it. Stupid._

Naruto turned around and picked up his pillow.

“Where are you going?”

—and changed tactics. He couldn’t tell Sasuke where he was going because if Sasuke followed—

“Nowhere. Where are _you_ going?” while arranging his pillow at the other end of the mattress and lying back down.

_I hate this. Confusion._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Two Weeks, Five Days 

  


Naruto woke up the next morning earlier than anyone else. He opened his eyes. Sasuke’s feet were in front of him and— _stupidly, stupidly_ —because he was just such a hopeless sucker that he had actually wished— _stupidly, **stupidly**_ —that Sasuke had done the same and turned his pillow around, whispered “good morning” to him as sarcastically as he liked just so Naruto could _say_ something to him for once, twist and rescrew the facts together until he had convinced himself that _this_ was what it felt like to wake up beside each other again.

But nothing had changed.

_And you’re just not the same._  
  
  
  
  
_Come back.  
I miss you so much._

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	10. nine

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# nine

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Three Weeks 

  


Naruto found it so ironic when Sakura asked him where he kept going with Sai every day that he had almost laughed in her face. Now she was the one being left at home, left behind and Naruto was calm and confident that Sasuke wasn’t going to hurt her in the same way when he came home to her smile every afternoon.

Halfway out of the village and Naruto still hadn’t been able to let the memory pixelate and fall back far enough that he could stifle the little laugh at her reaction. Sakura’s stare had been so full of pure-hearted curiosity that had only furrowed into annoyance when he waved his hand in her face and told her:

“Oh just, you know, here and there.”

“Where’s that?”

“Sai, you ready to go?”

And then he had put his arm around Sai’s shoulders and shown him how to open the door and walk right out on a conversation he had deliberately and enjoyably shot vertical into the ground.

“You know, Sakura-chan used to think you had a secret girlfriend,” Naruto recalled seeing a young couple pass them by on the dirt road. “Because you got really into those romance novels and you kept leaving the apartment without telling anyone.”

“If I have a secret girlfriend then she’s a secret from me too.”

Sai already seemed to know how unexpectedly brilliant his reply had been because when Naruto burst a laugh and slapped appreciation on his back, there was none of the shock and all of a sheepish smile. It had to have come out in his reading, as Naruto accused to a wave of Sai’s hand, denying it.

“I thought it up myself a while back. The market ladies kept asking me if I was seeing anyone. I tried out a few responses and that one seemed to make them laugh the most.”

“It’s really good!” Naruto encouraged.

“How about you?”

“Nope. Though, you know, I used to ask Sakura-chan out all the time when we were just starting out as a team,” grateful for the tan that soaked up the light blush in his cheeks. “Sometimes I still think about it. Ah, twelve-year-old me was so uncool.”

“You’re still really uncool though.”

“ _What did you say?_ Ya little punk, _come here_ —”

Naruto jumped at Sai’s back, his imperfect aim meaning that their gravity unbalanced and they barrelled to the ground. For all his playfulness, Naruto got out of it the sharp and stinging pain of a stone shoved into the fleshier part of his backside, rolling about and hollering out while Sai, held down by Naruto’s clutch on his backpack, scrabbled like a beetle flipped on its wings. Fellow pedestrians kindly showed the pair a wider berth.

Naruto limped to his feet. Sai’s whole right-side was a streaked camouflage of brown dust, to say nothing of the areas hiding their shame out of reach of his vision.

“Was that necessary?”

“Obviously!”

Sai started patting off his sleeves. Naruto told him not to worry about it.

“Just dunk it in the water at the bathhouse.”

“I don’t think you’re allowed to do that.”

“So be sneaky about it. I thought you were a ninja.”

Sai’s weird combination of malleable dough and inflexible routines made him perfect prey for street teasing. Naruto punched his shadow and Sai watched him fight what in his eyes amounted to invisible enemies and too much time in the sun. 

Soon the only thing separating them from smacking each other around with wet towels and the tight scowls of custom-bound employees was a bridge and a bundle of steps. Naruto challenged Sai to race him the remaining track backwards and laughed earnestly into the daytime dazzles because _this_ —this with Sai, without reflection—this was—

_So careless._

“Hurry up, Sai!”

\--

Bathhouses reminded Naruto of time spent running through the cold winds of winter when the flesh in his fingers and bones in his toes were too deeply chilled to be able to tell whether the water was infinitely too hot or soothing just shy of true pain. As the weather warmed on the other side, the days stretched, and the contrast of pleasantly cool air above and warmth from the waist down made him sleepy, Sai’s chatter kept him awake.

“How come you don’t talk to Sasuke?”

“Huh?”

“Are you sure you’re happy that he’s back?”

“What?—Yeah, I mean—yeah of course I’m happy that he’s back.”

Sai was staring at him without a trace of sympathy and Naruto regretted every weak word that had rolled off his rusty tongue— _and it’s worse because I know what my face looks like and you don’t even understand what it means_ —to have speared the centre of something that made Naruto’s heart tie up tight at a place he didn’t want ruined by bad memories. Then when the pause had grown too wide for the amount of time spent not speaking, Naruto gave up on trying to find another casual, comical answer and let it go.

But Sai continued to fish. “That’s what I thought but you really don’t look it sometimes.”

Naruto dropped whatever humour was left in his lungs and stopped clinging to pretence. Here was someone asking if he was okay and he was starving.

“It’s just hard to look at him sometimes, you know?”

“Not really. I think he’s pretty nice to look at.”

Soft laughter fell out of Naruto’s mouth. “You know, that’s what I’ve learned. Doesn’t matter what you do—if you’re good-looking, people will forgive you.”

“How come they won’t forgive you then? You didn’t even do anything wrong.”

Naruto could only laugh again at the strange way that Sai seemed to be able to say just the thing that proved that the origins of the universe began in his blossoming heart. Sai, who never lied and who always spoke the facts he saw, surpassed expectations set lower than he realised, further than he could ever have imagined.

Naruto softened. He stopped trying to evade the topic and dared to press for more information.

“Why are you asking anyway?”

“It’s just that I don’t talk to Sasuke and he doesn’t talk to me so I was wondering if that meant I’m not happy that he’s back.”

_Ah—And here I was thinking you were asking something else._

Sai’s explanation was rooted in much less inquisitiveness than Naruto had assumed. He was asking not for the gossip or out of any sense of care: he was selfishly looking to Naruto for answers to behavior that he saw mirrored in him.

“I don’t know then. I guess it’s up to you. Sasuke’s a bit of a special case.”

Sai didn’t know what that meant. Naruto stared at the water ripples with his fingers to his lips in search of words both delicate and accurate enough to explain what had started before he had even been old enough to understand it.

“He’s just—sick in the head. He wasn’t always like this,” laughing awkwardly at Sai’s offering of painted smiles. “We just have to wait a little bit more and then he’ll be as good as new.”

_Zero sincerity._

_But you still look like I said something worth believing in._

“Okay. That’s good.” Sai smiled his eyes into raindrops—“Because I’m curious to see what Sasuke’s like when he’s not being a dick all the time.”

Mouth falling off its axis in open, honest shock— _holy shit_ — _ **Sai** —?_

Sai had the weirdest, most unintentional ways of fixing his mood and for the next five minutes, he owned Naruto’s respect without realizing it or actively seeking it.

_So it’s not just me who sees it._

_I’m glad._

\--

Naruto rolled up his sleeve and flexed his arm with the instructions, “Touch it.”

Sakura stared at him, understanding the words but still unsure what she was expected to do. “Touch what?”

“Touch it. Touch my arm.”

Ginger fingers reached out and poked his arm.

“What does it feel like?” Naruto asked, very animated, and impatient to fill in her puzzled silence, he answered in her stead. “Feel how smooth that is. Sai ripped into it like you wouldn’t believe. He almost shaved the tan out of my skin, I swear.”

Sakura laughed. “Oh, is that all that was? Yeah, I guess it’s pretty smooth.”

“You _guess?_ ” Naruto arrested Sakura by the arm and ran a thumb over her bicep before she could pull out of the hold with a protest of admonishments and squeals. “Eww, Sakura-chan, when was the last time you exfoliated?”

“Let go!”—twisting away like the teasing shot into his words affected her physically—“Did Sai scrub your manners off too?”

“Depends. Did I have any to begin with?”

Nudging Sai in the chest to get him to contribute his own cacklings to the joke he found way too funny— _or just the perfect amount of funny_ —because when Sasuke wouldn’t unpin his stare from whatever he was eating, Naruto knew his antics had gotten to him. 

_Maybe it’s a combination of your bad mood and my childishness._

_But right now, well—_

Naruto glided past with victory singing in his feet.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Five Months, Three Weeks, Five Days 

  


No amount of singing in the shower could really fix what never fit from the start, the broken beats that his lungs pounded out and the untuned strings vibrating in his throat. But his musical performance with an audience of one was almost more than enough to block out the strange

sound of a lock being picked— _the fuck—?_

Sasuke relocked the door and Naruto couldn’t believe his arrogance— _but_ — _how are you **here**_ — _we **can’t**_ — _but everyone’s **home**_ —wanted to cover himself with the curtain from the dark and dangerous look on Sasuke’s face when he reefed it back, zipper down and he obviously wasn’t in the mood for deliberation or compromise—

Sasuke pushed him back against the wall and told him that—“if you do _anything_ that doesn’t contribute to a good fuck, I’m leaving this place and never coming back”—and Naruto thought that was a pretty harsh threat for something he would have done mostly willingly anyway, one leg already wrapped around Sasuke’s rough and clothed waist— _are you out of your fucking **mind** —?_

Learning that water was a god-awful lubricant and _still_ having to smother and suffocate any little noise that crawled up his throat, pain and pleasure unbalanced and one harder to ignore and overpower than the other— _how **can** you when everyone’s home?_ —closing his eyes on the pain and knowing there must have been blood running down his leg because he could _smell_ it through the mist— _you think I’m **proud** of this—do you **want** them to find out— **why did you even come back** —!_

Sasuke stayed around only long enough to find his own satisfaction, tearing up Naruto’s skin and muffling his release into the wet and naked shoulder. He didn’t bother to lock the door on his way out and Naruto thanked the presence of the shower to disguise the liquid swimming in streams down his cheeks—water or tears, he was grateful he didn’t know—

_You don’t want me hanging out with Sai anymore, huh? Jealous much, huh? And what was wrong with just shouting that in my face, huh? Why did—you have to—_

_Well **fuck you** , Sasuke. I don’t have to do **anything** you fucking say._

\--

Naruto made a mistake by not hiding out in the shower a bit longer when Sakura asked him why Sasuke had come out flushed and angry and soaking wet.

 _But at least you’re not saying I’ve got red eyes. Guess it wasn’t_ —

“Water fight.” All crystallised lies to go with the smile he froze on his face. “But the bastard took off as soon as I whipped out the soap. What a coward, eh?”

Sakura flashed him something that didn’t look convinced as much as she wanted to believe him. Naruto breezed past her and her questions before he could dig a deeper grave for his big, fat, formless excuses.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months 

  


The memories were hard. Of fighting and losing when he most needed to win. Of roaring waterfalls and blood-red chakra and the snap of his neck when Sasuke rammed him face-first into the ground. Staring down a shrieking ball of electricity and wondering if the rasengan would be enough and it wasn’t because it hadn’t been long enough, wasn’t fully developed. Sasuke had more practice using chidori or he was just better and faster and stronger and wondering what it was that turned Sasuke against him. He wanted to believe it was just because he got in the way, tried to stop Sasuke and it could’ve been anyone—that it _wasn’t_ because Sasuke couldn’t stand the sight of him and wanted him dead. Of eyes that were no longer those of a child and consumed by revenge and blinded by hate, avoiding and blanking the only friend that went after him all the way—and that was why—Naruto had to make _her_ cry when he couldn’t—In the water, in the mist, in the valley where it ended—Of all the things that couldn’t be undone or taken back—

_You wanted to **kill** me—you **did** and you **smiled** —_

Naruto opened his eyes and kicked back the blankets. It was hot. His windows were closed and his hands were sweaty and numb around the only hitai-ate with a scar through the leaf.

_I didn’t—I couldn’t—just—a dream—_

_—a dream—_   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Three Days 

  


Sai was a brilliant artist. Naruto had no moral conflictions when it came to using Sai’s talent for his own profit, made the kid paint and trade pieces of art for a flask of rice wine that Naruto had downed in one sitting and made him go get more. Sai was just happy to be wanted, to be in the company of another person. Even when Naruto tried to reassure him that Hokage could still be brilliant and competent leaders while getting shit-faced on cheap alcohol—

“Just look at Tsunade-baachan. She’s my idol. Fuck, this stuff tastes _really good_.”

Naruto burped, or hiccupped, or was about to throw up and Sai was sitting beside him on the pagoda still drinking. He stared at Sai, in love with the fuzzy-buzzy feeling trembling just under the surface of his skin and the existence of sheer, blissful _fuck all_ in his head.

“Can you go get some more?”

But Sai had lost the ability to manipulate a paintbrush with any real talent. Naruto stole a drink out of his flask.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been drunk before,” Sai’s tongue slurred.

“I know. You were gone after the third mouthful. More for me.” Naruto hiccupped again and spilt some of the alcohol on the wooden boards, sucking it up, and wondered how much more inebriated he could get before he forgot everything. “Sakura-chan isn’t going to like us coming home drunk. She _especially_ isn’t going to like us coming home drunk so late in the afternoon… but who cares?”

Naruto stared out at the rice paddies. There was a man up the far end using a sickle to pull something out of the ground. He would probably chase them away when he found them and Naruto wasn’t sure he could step out of the pagoda without falling face-down into the ground.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“From who?”

“Everyone, you loser.” Naruto watched the man work his crops. “Do you think you could fix Sasuke?” and when Sai’s answer was negative, Naruto asked, “Do you think Sakura-chan could? No, right. I’m the only one, aren’t I,” sighing, “so I can’t run away, can I?”

Sai was supposed to ask _are you going to run away?_ or something to that effect but Naruto liked it more when he answered with a simple and straight _no_.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Four Days 

  


When Sakura came to see him instead of the other way around, Naruto thought his heart would have jumped backflips but his hangover had rendered him far too incapacitated to feel anything more than the unpredictability of the contents of his stomach.

“Telling me I shouldn’t’ve drunk so much isn’t going to make me better so how about we just save it for another time?”

“Are you sure you’re okay, though?” She sat beside him on the bed and dragged a wastepaper basket closer in case he threw up all over the carpet instead. “And aren’t you underage too? Where’d you manage to get so much alcohol from—and _why?_ ”

“ _Please_ can you interrogate me later? I feel like I’m still half-drunk and not in a good way.”

With his eyes closed, he missed her smile turn sad and then disappear altogether. She rubbed his shoulder and told him to call out to her if he needed anything. Sai was apparently fine, having consumed significantly less than his body weight in liquid units and was watching Naruto’s pallid face from the doorway. 

Naruto stayed in bed all day with minimal interruptions, the way he liked it.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, One Week 

  


Whenever Sasuke woke—daytime, nighttime—it was imperative that he checked the time, counted the hours he had not been around to witness and calculated whether his rest had been closer to a sleep or a nap. He focused his eyes on his beside clock.

_Fifteen minutes._

Barely a nap, and he was already sweltering in sweat. Sasuke rolled out of the direct sunlight, kicked back the covers he must have pulled over himself out of habit, and hiked up his shirt to allow the minimal breeze there was coming through the window to dry his skin. Stars from his dreams called him back. He dozed, idle trembling and halfway gone already, but even through the rain-masquerading shuffles of the leaves outside, he could hear it.

Pinpricks of sound—the very sound that had sucked out him out of sleep. It settled in his ears as his hearing came alive again but Sasuke ignored it in favor of the falling of every particle in his body, heavy and slipping back into slumber.

But he couldn’t.

_What the hell is going on?_

Tittering chatter, from the kitchen it seemed. The deeper voices from Naruto and Sai he could make out easily and the airy chime of Sakura’s voice floated in and out as well sometimes. Maybe they were drinking tea or having an afternoon snack, but still dizzy with remnant sleep and lethargy weighing down his muscles, Sasuke settled and forgot again. 

Until a sound so grating pierced his ears that he had never, ever asked for—

They were—

Precious rest filtered further through his fingers and his senses reawakened, sudden sound clattering, booming, _louder_.

_Are you—_

_Are you **laughing**?_

Naruto was laughing. Naruto was actually laughing, and not just once but again and again.

_You’re **laughing** —I can’t believe you’re laughing, actually laughing—_

Naruto was laughing. And it wasn’t the kind of laughter that was forced for show but—

_What have you got to laugh about?_

Sasuke honed in on the other noises trying to piece the scene together. There was some kind of smell seeping in under gap of the door, something—broth—beef broth— _ramen_ —it was ramen, Naruto was cooking ramen and Sasuke knew he was—however many hundreds of days he had spent as a child watching Naruto beg for it and then scoff it down his throat, an association from his younger years that he could never quite completely obliterate from his memory.

_I thought I told you **never to cook that shit again.**_

Sasuke opened his eyes, pings of sleep still circling, and sat up. Through the window shone the same sunshine that he could get in any village or cliff-face or reflection in the ocean, on the lake, where he had sat as a child and burned his precious, scarred eyes, staring too long, blank and hollowed out—

It wasn’t a good day. He was restless, invincible, and the memories were slipping through and reimagining everything as ash.

And Naruto was laughing—like it was some kind of _joke_.

_I need to sleep._

_But for some reason you’re stronger than I expected. **Stupider** than I expected._

If strength was what it was. If that was something worth shouting out and parading about. Because after all the pain and hurt and damage and after everything he’d done—

Maybe Naruto just didn’t get it— _even though I couldn’t have made it any clearer_ —didn’t understand what details inexplicably too subtle for his imbecile brain were implying he was supposed to do. Maybe he just didn’t get it, maybe he just didn’t see it, didn’t think, didn’t put the pieces together—maybe he was just _used_ to it, believed that that was just how life was. Maybe he just didn’t _care_.

Because how could Naruto laugh while Sasuke was

trembling with  
_**anger**_

at a village that had decided that his family and his happiness should be sacrificed for the happiness of everyone around him

_without even **asking** me._

Sasuke was angry. That people who didn’t even bother to learn his name had deigned to stretch their animal lips that single centimeter apart and decided that— _ **they!**_ —had the right to take away everything overnight.

Sasuke was **_angry_**. That there was once a room full of people who collectively agreed:

“Your life is less worthy than mine.”

_that’s **right** you did you **did!** you left me with **nothing** —hell you didn’t even give **him anything to start with** —_

_I_  
_am gonna_   
  
  
  
  
_Stop._  
_Subside. Patience._  
_Think._  
_Calculate._

Sasuke stared, at the floor, and breathed until he stopped shaking. Then he curled his gaze on the doorknob and put his feet on the ground, rising— 

\--

Watching Sai cooking could go one of two ways depending on his mood. He could be like Sakura, who was sitting in a tight ball with her arms wrapped around her legs and waiting at the table, reciting advice too specific for the distance between herself and actual cooking. But if he were feeling lighter than the air with time to spare, Naruto could sympathize with the mistakes Sai made, call them charming—fresh even, homely. So what if eggshell went in with the blended yoke and whites? The odds were in his favour that divided among three bowls, it wouldn’t end up in his, and even if it did, he had molars and a digestive tract that had in the past proved welcoming of a challenge.

Sakura meanwhile had pressure in her lungs to be dispelled through vocalizations in her throat when Sai cut the green onions using—scissors.

“You shouldn’t be using those…”

“Really?” Conversational Sai was a multitasker, snipped his way to the stem while listening to Sakura try to work Naruto over to her side with arguments citing _that’s just not how it’s done_. “You should try it. Much quicker.”

“Do you even know where those scissors have been?”

“Ah, it’ll be okay,” Naruto stepped in. “He’s just starting out. They didn’t have cooking classes in ROOT, did they, Sai?”

Nothing Naruto could say was going to detract or distract Sakura from making her point a punch. While she strung out medical words that no regular ninja needed a working knowledge of, Naruto stared at Sai with his back a barrier to her rationality and reflected Sai’s smile exactly.

“You can put them in now. When the white part goes clear, it’s done.”

“But if the white part is clear, how will I be able to see it?”

“Don’t worry, Sai. I’ve got your back. I’ll help you out.”

“You know, you’re a pretty good teacher, Naruto.” Sakura complimented, gentler now that she realized nothing she said was having an effect. “Ever thought about taking on a team, maybe in a few years when you actually decide to become a chuunin?”

Sakura laughed at the thought. Naruto didn’t feel it.

_I have enough trouble balancing our own team, let alone—_

“A genin teaching genin, huh,” Naruto said, which made Sakura’s laughter brighter. “Okay, you can add the egg now,” turning attention on Sai again. “Pour it into the pot. Slowly, remember. And stir it so it doesn’t all clump altogether.”

It wasn’t proper ramen. Naruto lacked the endurance to hover over a pot of boiling meat and vegetables until a broth was born. Instead he was teaching Sai how to dress cup ramen up in a fancy disguise because at least their sorcery of packet noodles and fast-cooking ingredients _looked_ nice. 

“Is it done?”

“I’ll say when it’s done and it’s not done. You’ve got to taste test it too. If it tastes bad, you’ve got to warn the guests at least.”

“Naruto, what kind of advice is that?” tell-tale teasing in her reprimand. “If you know it tastes bad, you can’t serve it at all.”

“Don’t listen to her. Guests’ll say it’s good not matter how bad it is.”

Naruto took the spoon from Sai’s fingers, dipping it into the broth and raising it to his lips to blow on it first, then slurped it into his mouth. He let it slide over and around his tongue, assessing the aftertaste, then nodded his head and passed the spoon back to Sai.

“Tastes good. You try.”

Sai filled the spoon. Naruto watched his reaction when his mouth closed around the metal and his black eyes flicked away in studious thought—until the force of a hand shoved into his back—“Move.”

Naruto didn’t apologize to Sai for toppling into him. He turned around to face Sasuke—“What the hell’s your problem?”—words coming out quick and hot to justify the shove he gave right back. “Don’t tell me to move—”

“Naruto—” Sakura warned.

“I just want a cup. You’re in the way.”

_That’s it? So why do you always have to—_

Sasuke was staring at him like he knew more than he was letting on. He looked pissed off— _because I was **standing** in front of the cupboard? how petty can you get?_ —and teetered on the border of impatience. Naruto felt the pinch in his face take over as Sasuke’s expression sunk and darkened further, changing—

_Why do you always have to make everything a fight—Can’t you just—_

Naruto couldn’t tell if Sasuke was jittery and livid with anger or bubbling with sick and scarcely contained excitement or just morbidly tired but he needed to work it out before it filled the room and he needed to do it fast. He stared, utterly frustrated that his mind was so cluttered now, sluggish at a time like this, trying to find the best way to buffer Sasuke’s bad mood and _failing_ , impossibly, blank as a slate—

And then he realized, in a single, simple, passing second, that it didn’t really matter. It didn’t matter. That hate, ice, urge, fury, thrill—whatever it was, it didn’t really matter. It could have been one of them or all of them and it wouldn’t have mattered—

_Because none of that is supposed to be there anymore._

_Ah, I—_

“ _Move_. Don’t make me say it again.”

None of that was supposed to be there anymore. All the things he had tried to remove had actually solidified in the end and for a second—for as long as it took Sasuke to shove him again—for a second, Naruto felt very, very 

helpless.

What a shame it was that none of the wrong things had gone away despite his efforts.

_I didn’t—I didn’t do anything._

“Look, if you don’t hurry up and get out of my way—”

“What?” Naruto sneered. “What do you think you’re going to do? Do you think there’s anything left that you haven’t done?”

“Naruto, just give Sasuke-kun a cup, hey?”

The real shame though was that the anger—from Sasuke at Naruto for not moving, from Naruto at Sasuke for not yielding—was just a cover. Anger was an easy out for people who didn’t want to think too hard about their actions. Because when they were angry, they never had to think, no one had to realise, that maybe neither of them were angry that the world was wrong but that they _knew_ how to make it right and they were just _too proud_ and _too scared_ to ever give it a chance.

“Get some new threats. Your old ones are full of shit.”

“Naruto!”

Sighing when Sakura had to get herself involved— _what do you want now?_

Even though she kept whining in his ear, Naruto didn’t unfix his stare from Sasuke. They were all chastising words she had no right to say anyway, especially when she didn’t know shit about what was really going on and certainly not now that the rift between them was too wide for him to care to listen when she tried to solve the problems.

_Just stay out of this. I **don’t know** what I’m doing—_

Either Sakura was as stupid as the rest of them or she just couldn’t take the hint to stop chafing the silence. With force and effort and patience Naruto didn’t know he still had, he turned to face her. Whatever was on his face couldn’t have been—or the look she gave back quickly washed over with pain and apprehension when he couldn’t smooth into calm fast enough—

_I know I’m hurting you so just stay out of this—_

The pleas in her eyes were ignored without remorse. She didn’t understand what was going on, that this was more that a typical fight, and the worry in her face was still painfully there when she didn’t know either—how to fix something long ago broken and swallowed up by rust—

_I don’t know **anything** and I never did—_

Until he couldn’t bear to see the hurt he caused and turned back to that twisted excuse of a best friend. Sasuke, who looked like he already knew every movement of the fight that would cause Naruto’s fall—

“ _Move_ , usuratonkachi—”

“You still haven’t told me what you’ll do! And you know why? It’s because you’re full of shit. You’re so _full of shit_ —”

“Naruto—”

“I can’t see the white part anymore.”

“Fucking _shut up_ , Sai—”

“Naruto! What’s gotten into you?”

“Why won’t everyone just mind their own fucking business—!”

Sasuke used that fraction of time while Naruto’s attention was scattered to push him again, harder than before. It made Naruto take a step—two steps back—his shoulder bumping into Sai again and erasing any self-control he might have still harboured.

_We fucked up somewhere along the line, didn’t we. We weren’t supposed to be like this._

_What a shame._

“Don’t fucking push me. Don’t even _touch_ me.”

_What a shame._

_I bet we could’ve been great._

The angry feeling inside wasn’t going to go away. Not just then. It would be there in an hour, a day, a week, however long it took for one of them to snap. Fracture. Split. Splinter. Break apart. And just the thought of what would happen if one or both of them did made Naruto laugh, bitter and completely beyond care, because _that_ —that future with neither of them in it—it just didn’t matter anymore. It just _didn’t matter_ when Sasuke’s face was right there—when his fist could—

“ _Naruto!_ ” 

Sakura was in his space, catching him just in time. Or far too late.

“Sakura-chan, just—”

“Stop it, Naruto.”

“Get out of the way, Sakura-chan.” Naruto tried to shrug her off but for whatever reason, she wasn’t letting go. She was staring at him— _at **me**_ —when Sasuke was the one with his mouth cracked and curling, spilling at the surface—“I said let go—”

“No, come on, Naruto, don’t start this—”

“ _What?_ Why’re you telling _me_ not to start shit when that fucker right there—”

“Naruto, please—”

“ _Let go of me_ —Why am I _always_ the one who gets the blame? I didn’t do _anything_ —”

struggling—

_I didn’t do anything._

_I didn’t do **anything** and that’s why we ended up like this—_

The smile was there. Naruto could see it now. All it needed was a twist at the corners and it was all over Sasuke’s face while Sakura was still standing there, staring at him, between them, pleading with eyes that he wasn’t going to let distract him, wouldn’t let hold him—

sinking—

while whispered in the gap: “I knew you’d let me.”

Finally pushing Sakura out of the way and surging into Sasuke—

“Naruto!”

pulling—

_I don’t care—  
I don’t **care** —_

punching—

“Sai—help me! Naruto, just _please stop_ —”

_It’s **always** Sasuke—that’s all you see—why aren’t we **equal** —why am I always always **always second** —_

biting—

_I hate this._  
_I hate—_  
_I hate you._  
_**I still don’t hate you.**_

bending to the crack—

One wrong jerk of his elbow back had Sakura covering her face. 

Naruto faltered. It was all Sasuke needed.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, One Week, Four Days 

  


Sakura forgave him, somehow. She said she knew it was an accident and Naruto promised he’d have more control of himself next time. She was standing at his door speaking awkward words at him and Naruto had no patience, no _energy_ to listen. In his heart, just—dull, just nothing. He had her forgiveness without even trying and nothing was stirring inside, no feelings, no emotions written in the ceiling or the walls he kept staring at.

“Are you just going to lie around in bed again today?”

“Hmm. Dunno.”

He threw the bedsheet over his face, sighing into it when he felt the air float and sink around his legs.

“I thought you wore those clothes yesterday.”

“And the day before that,” still staring at the cotton ceiling.   
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, One Week, Six Days 

  


Sakura invited him to go out with her. Had Naruto known that he could hook her attention just by blowing up at Sasuke in front of her, he would have done it a lot sooner. She had tried to cheer him up by bringing him food, snacks, more comic books when he asked for them, Sai’s company when she was out. This time she was suggesting she took him up on his offer to go get hot chocolate—“As long as you’re still up for it, and I’ll even pay”—and Naruto couldn’t bound out of bed and throw on fresh and uncreased clothes fast enough for her patience.

Weeks counted the last time he had gone out with her like this. Or maybe it was months. Naruto couldn’t even estimate, and while there was a tiny, scared feeling inside that somewhere in the interim, he had learned not to need or even _want_ to be with her anymore—thank _god_ she was there because her warmth and grace seemed to be just what his empty insides needed.

“I don’t get why girls like these trinkets so much.” Naruto had a crinkle between his eyes, picking up a pink-beaded necklace from a stall at the markets. “Wouldn’t it get caught on stuff in fights?”

“Then don’t wear it during a fight, silly.” Sakura took it from his hands and held it up to her neck. “Yes? No?”

“Everything looks good on you, Sakura-chan.”

The markets were busy, alive, and its energy slowly started to seep through the layers of Naruto’s skin. People still frowned at him sometimes, though, and Naruto knew that Sakura’s physical presence at his side forced the contrast between what he normally endured from the older generations who were too stuck in their ways to change. They had to be content to limit their disapproval to a scowl but his hope lie with the younger generation who couldn’t remember the wars and who passed him by like any other civilian. 

He enjoyed the markets but it was a feeling so fragile that any time he wasn’t watching his surroundings, it evaporated clean out of his heart. Past experience was telling him what he should be feeling, this _sense_ of enjoyment, and self-talk and familiarity with the situation dictated his emotions until Sakura had said he looked tired enough times that he stopped kidding himself.

_Today’s just a bad day, I guess. No getting around it._

“Seems like I just got too used to lying around at home or something,” Naruto mused, stretching his mouth into a Sai-like smile. “There’s a tea shop over there. Wanna go for that hot chocolate now? I could probably do with the sugar kick.”

Once inside with their order placed and received, Sakura sipped her peppermint blend through a straw and Naruto attacked the marshmallows and cream floating on top of his.

“Want a taste?” Sakura held out her beverage and Naruto warned her that sucking on her used straw would be just like a scandalous, indirect kiss. “Nothing wrong with your sense of humor after all.”

“I guess not. I guess I _did_ just need to get out because you’re right, it does get stuffy in there. I mean, Sai’s okay but spend too much time with him and it gets frustrating.” Sakura lowered her gaze politely and said nothing to defend him. Naruto kind of liked that. “Did you want to go do some training after this? I’m sure you’re through being embarrassed being seen in public with me,” laughing.

“Actually there was something I wanted to talk to you about.”

_—huh?_

Naruto had laughed but Sakura had not. She hadn’t answered the question. She hadn’t even _smiled_ and Naruto brought his mug up to his mouth for another distracting, apprehensive drink and believed in everything that was impossible.

“I handed in the report this morning, you know…”

_Oh no._

“I’ve been worried about you lately. I asked Shishou about you.”

_Oh **fuck**._

_Please don’t don’t don’t—_

She was looking at him. He was looking at her. They both knew and Naruto couldn’t run from it. The sickness and blood washed from his face to his feet and then nothing.

_Oh fuck._

Sakura _knew_.

“She said…” looking down to avoid Naruto’s eyes when he wasn’t confused, “something really strange, I don’t even know…”

_No no no no no—don’t, please don’t—I’m not prepared, I’m not—_

“Do you know what I’m talking about?”

She was taking the cowardly, fearful, hopeless route and shifting the responsibility to him. Naruto swallowed. She was asking him and it wasn’t too late. He had time to lie. Lies were easy— _no Sakura-chan, ‘sif I’d ever do that!_ —so easy. Just one lie, just one easy lie and he’d never have to hurt her.

But his time was up. His cheeks were sore and hot and prickling. He’d said nothing and nothing was enough. 

_Is this why you asked me to come out with you today?_

“It’s true, isn’t it.”

_I didn’t do anything._

Sakura didn’t say anything for a long time, hand over her mouth in shock and thinking. It was real now. Naruto didn’t know what he should have said or felt but he wasn’t angry with Tsunade for exposing him. It was everything he deserved for causing even the smallest amount of pain. Sakura, his best friend and teammate from the old genin days—Sakura, who he had grown up with, fought with, run with, lost friends with and cried with was just sitting there and he couldn’t even say one lie.

_I can’t do anything._

She was just sitting there opposite him and not speaking. There was nothing he could do. She knew everything and yet she had still given him the chance to deny it. She had tried to save him and therefore herself and he hadn’t done _anything_. His punishment for being too _incompetent_ , for being too _defective_ , was to watch the world break into smaller and smaller pieces and sit there and kill his two best friends.

Her hands were trembling now.

“I asked Shishou if it would be a good idea if you moved out and she said no.”

Naruto understood at once: the safety of the whole village was Tsunade’s unfortunate priority and afterwards the individual people in it. But that wasn’t his fault—Sakura wasn’t blaming him but—it never even had to be Tsunade’s choice if he had just—

_I got it wrong._

“So I guess… I’m just so confused. When did it start?”

Naruto swallowed again. Sakura wanted answers. Of course. She had told him at the beginning: that it was better to know and hurt than not know and hurt more. She wanted something concrete to hold onto when everything else seemed crazy and wrong.

“I guess… about two months ago, maybe more.”

She breathed out and traced the patterns on her mug. “And… _how_ did it even start?”

But Naruto didn’t know either. One day Sasuke was sick in bed and the next he was pushing him up against the wardrobe in his room. All he could do was tell it the way he knew it, the way it had been: “I don’t know.”

She nodded to show her understanding, nodded her already bowed head. “And… do you think it’s good for him?”

_I got it wrong and now I’m hurting you._

“I don’t know.”

“Then… how many times?”

_I can’t—_

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know a lot,” Sakura snapped. “You don’t know because you don’t want to tell me or you don’t know because you’ve lost _count?_ ”

Naruto didn’t realise he’d made her cry—already, not again—because her hair had been covering her eyes. He only noticed when she wiped her angry face and—

“I just _don’t get it_. I thought—because I’ve been patient and kind and understanding—and I’ve put up with everything and anything Sasuke-kun asked for and his mood swings and silences and—god, I thought we were trying to make him _better_ —I thought we _were_ making him better and then… I find out about this… so I’m trying to be calm and ask you about it but you’re not telling me _anything_.”

She was breathing unevenly and blinking away tears and willing herself to speak normally so that no one turned around to look at their little corner of the universe as it collapsed around them.

“I thought I knew you. I thought you wanted to live with him and make him better. I’ve _seen_ you suffer and cry for him with my own eyes so a part of me wants to believe you honestly think this is _good_ for him”—betrayed by a disgusted scoff—“I thought I really _knew_ you and now you’re telling me that you don’t know? You still aren’t saying anything—why aren’t you saying anything! Do you even know what you’ve _done?_ ”

She didn’t want answers, excuses, reasons, explanations, because none of that mattered. What she wanted—

“You’re not even sorry, are you.”

_I couldn’t fix it._

_I can’t do anything._

_I fucked up._

_**Completely.** _

_And I couldn’t even say I’m sorry._

\--

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	11. ten

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# ten

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks 

  


Sakura’s room was cleaned out and emptied. She said she was moving back to her parent’s place for a while. When Sai asked why, it wasn’t hard for Naruto to explain. Sakura just needed a break. She was tired. She needed to go away and come back refreshed and energized. Naruto told Sai he was sorry they wouldn’t be able to go out and get drunk together again because he’d kind of liked it, drinking and getting drunk, without purpose, outside, in the middle of the day, with a friend. But it’d be okay, and Sakura would be okay, and they just had to wait.

Naruto turned from Sai’s room and crept back into his own, hiding under the covers. He stared. The clock moved faster than he expected, slower than he wanted.

_I’m still not fixing it. I just lied to Sai._

_I’m making it **worse**._

He had all the right thoughts and yet he didn’t feel bad about it. Naruto was seventeen and raw and numb. He was numb. He felt nothing. He stared at the ceiling lying on his bed and wondered why he wasn’t feeling happy or sad and all he had in its place was a gaping emptiness. He couldn’t feel angry for what he had caused to happen, or at Sasuke for always wanting it, or at Sakura for not trying to understand him better and go out with him when he had tried to open up to her. He couldn’t feel. He wandered, floated, content just to exist. He passed the time just staring, just waiting for the feelings to come back.

_I don’t know what to do._

Naruto spoke the bare minimum to be polite to Sai. Sai didn’t realise there was a problem: in ROOT, Naruto’s condition was the norm.

_I couldn’t fix it. I can’t do anything._

Naruto stopped wanting to talk. _Naruto didn’t talk_. He shut up and shut down. Inside him, there was a—silence. Big and wide and ugly and empty. He didn’t talk about his feelings anyway but he had always known someone was  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, One Day 

  


there if he wanted to. And then. There wasn’t. There was Naruto, staring, sitting and waiting and watching from where he had crawled and cried into himself, saying nothing. He couldn’t hurt or be hurt in there. He could pour himself into his obsessions in a secret, private place where he didn’t have to _hurt_.

Naruto cried a lot, quietly, so neither Sai nor Sasuke interrupted him. He cried at lot, at night before he fell asleep, closing his eyes on the exhaustion. He cried a lot, when he woke up in the morning and realized he had to live through the same day again. He cried in the shower to pretend he wasn’t. He cried before eating, while cooking, while watching television which was supposed to be distracting. He dared not touch the shirt when just the thought of it—

_You hurt me all the time and I can’t let go._

Sasuke was a good person who had made a lot of bad choices.

_I can’t let go—I have to save you._

Naruto didn’t hate Sasuke for running away. There was no resentment. If there had been, it was just a cover. There were no bad feelings at all. Maybe there would have been if Sasuke had done something _truly_ abhorrent, but not running away. Running away didn’t deserve hate. Running away _when Naruto knew why_ didn’t deserve hate.

When Sasuke had walked away into the darkness, Naruto had started to chase. He ran with no goal in mind other than getting Sasuke back. He trained and fought and hid everything for three  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, Two Days 

  


years and it didn’t matter—even if it hurt more. It didn’t matter even if it was worse when he couldn’t stop liking Sasuke who couldn’t stand the sight of him. Naruto just wanted to be near him even if he couldn’t be next to him. He just wanted to know that Sasuke was safe and happy and _there_.

_I believe in you._

Naruto genuinely believed that the first time he saw Sasuke after his defection would be the day he brought him back. He didn’t think to doubt it. On that day all his promises and dreams would be fulfilled and the world would once again become natural amidst the chaos. He truly, arrogantly, selfishly believed his will was all that was needed.

It wasn’t. In the end he got nothing. Sasuke was _there_ and nothing was fixed and _everything between them_ was still the same—and Naruto had known. There. There was that special friend who didn’t want come home, who was just as hard to see as not to see—and it wasn’t enough. There was that special friend he had looked for all over and then just seeing him wasn’t enough. Seeing him wasn’t enough and just knowing he was okay wasn’t enough and knowing that he was still worth fighting for and that every moment was still worth fighting for wasn’t enough. Sasuke was there and _it wasn’t enough_ in a very different way.

_I was wrong._

When Sasuke had stood at Orochimaru’s side and evaporated in a blaze of fire, Naruto realised the depth to which his hope had been ignited. He crumbled when he failed, when he couldn’t save  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, Three Days 

  


Sasuke as he had thought he would. Head to the dirt, arms around his soul and Naruto had thought it so strange, this feeling. How powerful it must have been to crush him just by seeing. This one person could do that. Sasuke did that to him.

When all Naruto had thought was _I want to see you_ , what was that feeling that brought him to his knees?

_It’s not a choice._

They told him to stop. She told him _lies_ to make him stop.

Naruto knew he didn’t need Sasuke to survive. He could breathe on his own, pump blood on his own, use his own hands to eat and wash and move and function. He could survive with the fading memories of Sasuke knowing they’d never completely disappear, that he’d never completely forget him. He could but he didn’t _want_ to. 

Naruto didn’t ask for a lot. If he wanted something, no one else was going to give it to him. He had to go after it himself and what he wanted—

_I want **you**. I want you back. I want you next to me, with me. I want you to come home._

He didn’t need to see Sasuke again to confirm what he’d known all along. He’d known it when they were a team and he’d known it when he’d seen him at Sound and he’d known it when he finally came back. There were things Naruto wanted that he didn’t need in order to survive and Sasuke was one of them and—it didn’t bother him. That was just how he was. Naruto was just Naruto and maybe it didn’t bother him that he liked Sasuke more than he probably should have. Then Sasuke came back and they were further apart the closer they were.

_Now I’m in darkness and you’re not chasing me._

_I hate that I—_

_tell myself I hate._

Naruto knew he would do anything for Sasuke and it was okay if Sasuke didn’t do anything for him. He was okay with that. So it was unreciprocated. Big deal. Naruto knew what he wanted and it wasn’t so bad. If he lived his life and didn’t expect great things, he was okay with that. If he lived his  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, Four Days 

  


life and expected _nothing_ , he was okay with that. As long as Sasuke was there. When Sasuke had been put on his team and they kissed and screamed and fought and argued and paired up and tolerated and begrudged and didn’t always look at each other with a scowl, with a smile sometimes—

_But that’s not enough for you. We’re not the same._

Sasuke had history in ways that Naruto did not and maybe if Naruto had had a brother who massacred his family then maybe he’d want to run away too and obtain strength by any means too and plough his hand through his best friend’s chest too. But Naruto was too different. He had the beast that killed his family _inside_ him and that made him too different.

_So tell me what to do. Tell me what you want, whatever you want._

What mattered to Sasuke mattered to Naruto and if Sasuke wanted revenge, if he wanted justice, if he wanted power, pride, retribution. If he wanted help. If killing Itachi was what he wanted then Naruto would have helped. He would have given up his dreams even if it meant dying. Even if it meant Sasuke had to kill him completely.

_You didn’t have to run away._

_You could have told me._

_Even though I’d never have listened. Even though I’d never have understood._

Naruto didn’t understand why Sasuke would want to sleep with him but if Sasuke thought he needed it, Naruto would give it to him. There was nothing else to it. It was  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, Five Days 

  


that simple. He didn’t have a choice, not when it was Sasuke. But sleeping with him had not made him better. It didn’t work because it wasn’t right, it wasn’t the same. Sasuke used sex to manipulate and Naruto did not.

_You try denying you anything when you’re me._

_You try fighting this feeling._

It wasn’t making him better. It hadn’t made him better. Naruto should have stopped it long ago. Naruto shouldn’t have _started_ it and found another way. Sasuke was in an older body but he was still young inside. He hadn’t worked out that _maybe just maybe_ talking about his problems with Naruto might have worked. But in time, he’d learn, because after talking, time always worked. Especially with Sasuke because he’d needed five years of time to work out that he was back where he started, in the village he had deserted, with the best friend he still hated.

_I’ll follow you._

_I’ll do whatever you want me to do._

He saw Sasuke once, while he wasn’t crying. Sasuke thought he was still upset about Sakura leaving, teased him about it, got in his face about it and filled his head with insults that were  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Two Weeks, Six Days 

  


already there. Naruto wouldn’t beg to be left alone. He couldn’t run away from Sasuke like Sasuke had been able to run away from him. All he could do was cry and be angry and ashamed and secretive about it.

_I miss you. I miss **us** —me, you, Sakura-chan—the way we used to be._

It was the first time he kissed Sasuke on purpose. It was the first time Naruto really _knew_ what he had to do when Sasuke rammed his fist into his face and threatened him with all kinds of rehashed things. It was the end. Sasuke still hated him.

_Think **logically** this time._

Sasuke had killed him at the Valley of the End more than once. Sakura had her faith destroyed. He couldn’t keep his promises. Everyone was sick and as long as he blamed someone else, he wouldn’t have to see: that at the heart of it there was always _Naruto_.

Logical hurt. Logical _cut_.

_I still want to be with you._

Naruto thought he couldn’t let go. He thought he wanted to be with Sasuke even if it meant so much pain and imperfection because the alternative—of being _without_ Sasuke—was more than he thought he could bear. He feared the separation, he feared the loss, and most of all he feared

the failure.

His first true friendship and he couldn’t hold it together.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Three Weeks 

  


_It’s all my fault._  
_I couldn’t be anything you needed._

_I couldn’t fix it_  
_and this time I really fucked up._

_You don’t want me._  
_I’m not enough and it’s okay_  
_because I know what to do to make you better._

_I know what to do._  
_I’ve known what to do all along._  
_I was just—_  
_too scared to see._

_I don’t have to give up **on** you, _  
_or give up **to** you. _  
_I just have to_  
  
  
  
  
give up.

  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Three Weeks, Two Days 

  


Sasuke was bored and irritable and frustrated with himself for having stayed awake so long waiting for Naruto to come back. He didn’t wait for anyone. He _never_ waited for Naruto. Naruto was supposed to _always be there_ for him because that was what he did.

Sasuke looked out the window from Naruto’s bedroom. He liked the view better from that side. He could see the front of the apartment, the road, the stalls of the street vendors packed away and waiting until morning to be reopened. The stars looked brighter through his screen. He would have liked the view better if Naruto had been in it, walking his sorry ass home.

_Did I break you? Can we fight yet? Is it time for this to end?_  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Six Months, Three Weeks, Five Days 

  


As soon as Sakura entered the apartment, the quietness of the space settled uncomfortably in her stomach. There were no sounds. She walked through the silent space, clean kitchen with no dishes on the dining room table, through to the hallway and into Sai’s room where he spoke chilling words that confirmed the imbalance.

“Naruto? I don’t know. He’s been gone a while. Was he supposed to meet you here?”

“No, nothing like that—just—” with the guilt of her reprimands stirring eerie circles in her head. “How long has he been gone for?”

“A few days, I guess.”

“A few days, huh.”

“Yup.”

She tried to see through Sai’s unnerving smile, tried to discern whether it was there to empathize with her or to mock her. “Maybe he’ll come back in the next couple of days. He could be camping or something.”

“I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess,” and still unsure what was really going on. “I’ll come back later or something.”

“Okay.”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Days 

  


Sai was too quiet. He was too studious. He didn’t make enough noise or commotion or interest. He just sat and painted or read or watched television. Sasuke wasn’t keeping tabs on him but he was bored and Sai was the only other thing in the apartment that moved.

_I don’t know who you are. I don’t know anything about you except that you’re my replacement._

_You don’t threaten me. You can’t take them away from me._

Sai didn’t cook for him like Sakura and Naruto had. Sasuke had to make his own meals from whatever he found in the fridge. He knew whose food he was stealing when he took it and there was no one around to yell at him for using chidori. He cooked ramen on the stovetop, salty and nostalgic.

Naruto’s room had nothing of interest to him in it. He had checked. Kunai and simple scrolls were on his desk next to the dirty dishes that still hadn’t been cleaned. Sasuke got fed up with the alarm clock and reset the time. There were comic books under his bed and more clothes on the ground than in his wardrobe.

_What’s—so that’s where it got to. What’s it doing in here?_

Sasuke pulled out a shirt he had noticed was missing— _probably got mixed up in the wash_ —unravelled it and from somewhere in the folds a headband fell to the ground. The gashed metal plate glinted up at him and he stood there, staring at it. In all his life, he had never picked up an object with such wonder and sorrow and regret.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, One Week, Two Days 

  


“I guess Naruto really has run away,” Sai said.

Sakura could only stare, unfocused and cold-panicking, disbelief in the staggered breath that rushed out of her mouth when she said, “What do you mean he ran away? How can he—he can’t just _leave_.”

“I’m not sure where he’s gone but he did mention to me that he wanted to _‘run away’_. I do believe those were his exact words.”

“Oh my god—”

Two weeks had passed and Naruto still hadn’t come back. Sakura’s head spun, her bones swimming in liquid, sitting on Sai’s bed trying to recall just _what_ she had said to Naruto in her anger. She had been too harsh—said something to him that made him stop believing or—said something that had crushed his spirit or—said the thing that made him shatter completely and driven him to desertion.

_And I couldn’t stop you either._

Sai was still smiling. Sakura wouldn’t look at it. 

The last time Naruto had left, he hadn’t returned for almost _three years_ while training with Jiraiya. Now he was gone and she didn’t know where to or who with and she had no way to find him and she couldn’t bear it if _another_ of her best friends just—left.

_I couldn’t stop Sasuke-kun when he left and I couldn’t stop you either._

_I’m just this powerless._

“Sai—” stomach tight and heart pounding to an unwelcome beat, “if you hear anything about Naruto, let me know straight away, okay?”

“Sure.”

 _I’m just **this powerless**._

Sakura wandered out and found her way to the door in a daze. This time was infinitely worse: Naruto had slipped away without saying a word and there was still Sasuke to look after and Sai couldn’t do it alone. _She_ couldn’t do it alone. She needed Naruto and he wasn’t there for her—

_But—I was never there for you either._

_Is this how you felt, Naruto?_

Naruto, who absolutely knew what it was like to wake up feeling alone, found friends and made a family and lived with them and then—she got it wrong. She had sequenced her priorities backwards, broke the proximity, and turned him away. Betrayed him. Over and over. And realized her mistake all too late.

_I can’t—we’re **breaking**._

_If I had just—if we had just—_

From the very beginning, the only thing the four of them had needed to do was sit down together and speak of their expectations, their wants, their fears and dreams and promises and feelings, no matter how rough. Because for two boys who never said shit about the things inside—especially, _stubbornly, **painfully**_ in front of each other—they would have fought it and she would have found a way to weaken their prides, to crumble their inhibitions. It would have worked for no other reason than they needed it to work because they needed each other.

_It’s because we’re all too young to see what’s truly necessary._

_Is there still time?_

She couldn’t say she wasn’t angry with Naruto—she _was_ and she still disapproved of his choices but—she had gone about dealing with it in entirely the wrong way. Maybe talking now wasn’t going to fix things but—it was better than the silence and the distance. Separated as they were, nothing could mend. It was her turn to save Naruto who had lost the will to fight.

_I’ll think of something, I promise!_

_Just please, **please** don’t you leave me too._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Two Weeks 

  


Sai was in the kitchen washing dishes when Naruto walked in through the door. It was a strange sight to see that annoying, smiling boy with anything in his hands but a scroll and a brush. He had pink rubber gloves on.

“Naruto.”

“Yo~”

Sai didn’t register that Naruto wasn’t wearing the casual clothes he’d taken to wearing in the apartment, that he had dressed himself in clothes more suitable for walking, hiking. Travelling far away.

“Oh, I was just reading about this the other day. What do they call it? Fate? I wanted to know what I should say to you when you came back. It’s been a long time!”

“Not that long, only a couple of days or… three weeks,” Naruto laughed and then urked. “Been bored? Has Sakura-chan come back?” 

“A few times but she didn’t stay. I think she wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh.” Naruto tried to smile around it. “But she hasn’t moved back, huh. That’s a shame, since it means you can’t go out. Want me to ask Tsunade-baachan to get you out of here for a little while?”

Sai was quiet for a moment while he calculated. “Does that mean you won’t be staying?”

“Nah, I won’t. I just came back to grab some stuff and then I’ll be leaving again. I met these people who are heading west. No idea _where_ in the west but I was going to go with them for a little while, maybe go see his Lordship the Kazekage,” laughing again. It all sounded the same to Sai. He couldn’t tell that it had once been forced and now it was real. “I’ll make sure to say goodbye this time when I leave.”

The hallway was dark. All except Sai’s door was closed and Naruto quickly walked the distance to his room, stuffy inside like it hadn’t been opened or aired out in a while. There were a lot of memories trapped in the small space, of fights and arguments and a whole lot of things that should not have been. He tried to organize a backpack as quickly as he could locate the items he needed. Now he knew why he never liked owning so much stuff: it all turned to clutter and it all took far too long.

“Naruto,” Sai was standing in his doorway. “Sakura is here to see you.”

That shocked him as much as it terrified him. Her words were still clear in his mind. Not enough time had passed for him to forget the guilt and he didn’t want to see her, hadn’t thought of what to say to her. The whole atmosphere of the apartment was strangling him faster than he had expected, the bad feelings—

“Hey, Naruto!”

_Whoa._

“Oh, Sakura-chan, hey…”

She giggled and Naruto felt off-balance. She was supposed to be angry with him—“What’s that face for?”

“You’re not wearing very much.” Tactless, but she had a nice body and she was frolicking around in a sarong and a bikini. “What’s going on?”

“I just wondered… I thought you might like to come with me to one of the valleys near the village. I haven’t been there in ages!”

“Yeah, me neither…”

_This is so weird._

_Travelling with randoms or seeing Sakura-chan in few enough clothes that I can picture her naked…_

“Okay. Just let me put on some swimmers.”

Naruto closed the door and held the knob. Something had just happened and he didn’t know what to do. Sakura had smiled and _giggled_ and she wasn’t angry and as much as Naruto wanted to, he couldn’t mistake it for forgiveness. This time he didn’t want to pretend that nothing had happened—but Sakura had been _so happy_ —

He knew he could either stand there in wonder or tag along with her. Maybe it was Sakura’s way of cleverly breaking the ice. Maybe she didn’t like the apartment either and maybe he couldn’t say no to her when she smiled like that.

\--

Naruto couldn’t think of words to say. He was nervous watching Sakura as she walked a few paces ahead of him, staring at the sky and all the colourful, living scenery around them. She seemed okay. Not spiteful or begrudged. It was a nice day and warm enough for swimming. Maybe it was lucky that Sakura had caught him when she did.

“Hey, Naruto.” Sakura turned and Naruto smiled at her smile. “I just want you to know, I’m still angry. But I’ve been thinking a lot since I’ve been away, about you and Sasuke-kun and me. I kind of just want to have some fun first and then have a better talk. Is that okay? Sorry if I’m being confusing. I just… didn’t know how to say it, and with Sai there…”

_Sakura-chan, you know me too well._

_Thank you._

Naruto understood. He finally felt free to grin the way his heart exploded.

\--

“Wow! It’s bigger than I remember it.”

“Sakura-chan, you flatter me, but thank you.” Naruto bore her pouty face and the slap to his shoulder. Sakura was so free and happy and beautiful at that moment and it was too easy to forget that there had ever been heartache between them. He missed her. He could _feel_ that he missed her.

She sat on a rock and dipped her toes in, marvelling at the cool water. Naruto watched her from the corner of his eye when she took off the sarong and it was like watching a step-sister undress: too familiar to get away with gawking but not related by blood.

_These are not the kind of thoughts I should be having around you._

“Hey Naruto, did you want to play around in the water first?”

_But I’m sure you wouldn’t sound this suggestive if you had more clothes on._

Naruto averted his eyes before she finished turning towards him, removing his shirt to give the deeper part of his embarrassment time to wear off. She looked at him curiously all the way up until he threw her into the water. Then bomb-dived right beside her as she surfaced.

“Naruto! God, you’re so immature sometimes. Aren’t you ever going to grow up?”

“If you want to play around first, make it worthwhile!” he laughed and pushed a wave of water at her.

_I missed this._

Even if the world still wasn’t right, even if Sakura had only been away for a few weeks and Naruto fewer still, he felt good. If he blocked it out, didn’t think too hard about the past months, if he went back further and further and further until they were a young Team 7 in one of a handful of instances when they’d had time off, when they weren’t fighting, when they could be children instead of warriors, maybe it had been something peaceful like this.

Sakura was still his best friend.

_You’re stronger than me._

She wasn’t saying that he was wrong, that she was right. There was nothing to gain if he were, if she were. She was with him because she knew when a friendship was real enough and worth enough that she had to put aside her anger and confront the problems. Naruto had run from them. For that, she was stronger.

_Thanks for making us a team, Iruka-sensei._

Sakura wanted to explore. Naruto followed her and the light she emitted.

Perhaps it was due to a childhood of few rules, of nonexistence curfews, of being free to run and jump and prank when he felt like it. Naruto knew a lot of things. He showed her, like Sai, how to skim rocks. He laughed at her when the rocks sunk into the water with a plop, taught her his special technique for choosing the best, flattest stones and the way he held them to throw. When she got the hang of it, which took far less time and effort and huffing than it had with Sai, they made a competition out of it: who could skim it the most times. Sometimes Naruto won and sometimes he pretended to let her win when she started getting good.

_Only half of our team is here._

_Next time—even if I have to wait until I’m Hokage—_

She wanted to climb to the top of a rocky hill. Naruto had a pleasant view of her backside all the way up and he was _sure_ she couldn’t have been oblivious. She reached the top and spread her arms out as far as she could and smiled as wide and bright as the sun. Naruto watched her. Like she were the stars and the hopes and the dreams. She glowed, from the inside.

“Hey, let’s bring Sasuke next time.”

She turned and looked at him, withdrawing her arms.

“I don’t mean like—I don’t know what I don’t mean but just…”

She giggled at his embarrassment and tried to hide it behind a hand, coy and cute. “It’s okay. You can say it. I don’t mind.”

“I want both of my best friends here,” staring at the water below and feeling sheepish, “so that we can all be happy again. We haven’t even been out here long enough to get sunburnt but I already know—this is a place to come back to. With all of us together.”

Sakura understood but she didn’t smile like Naruto did. They didn’t know when Sasuke would be allowed outside, if there would ever be such a time. If he wasn’t in the apartment, he would be in jail. Or dead. They could dream and Naruto dreamt the grandest of all.

“Hey look! Those clouds look like Rock Lee!”

Naruto looked up. Some of the clouds were overlapping each other. Two such clouds next to each other reminded him off his fuzzy eyebrows and he laughed. Sakura wasn’t so pure and sweet after all. 

They climbed back down and walked around, thoughts to themselves or pointing out places that reminded them of the old days with Kakashi as Team 7. It was at once enjoyable and heartbreaking: those times were stuck in the past. While every other team from the Rookie 9 had held together through the years, theirs was the only one to break apart. They couldn’t reminisce about their genin years freely with anyone but themselves. Everyone else was too afraid, considered Sasuke a topic of taboo. Like they thought if they mentioned him, either or both of them would break down and realize their failures when in reality talking about him kept him _alive_.

When Sakura sat down on a warm rock and gazed at the glistening mirror of water in contemplative silence, Naruto knew he should start.

“I’ve been thinking since we’ve been walking. You and Sasuke are my best friends so ask me anything and I’ll tell you. One of my biggest fears is that I’ll lose you too. I can’t lose you.”

Sakura sighed softly and in a voice just as quiet, “I shouldn’t have left you. I promise I’ll stay this time.”

Naruto smiled sadly, looking down. “That’s… not what I mean. What I’m saying is, if you leave, I _can’t_ go after you,” and didn’t look at her to see how the admission had hurt. “In fact, I _didn’t_ go after you, after you left. I know you want to know why I started sleeping with Sasuke and I want to try to tell you why so you don’t walk away not knowing this time but—”

Sakura looked up. Naruto was wiping his face with the back of his hand—“Hey, what’s wrong?”

He made a little laugh when she passed him her sarong to dry his eyes. He looked like he was controlling it for a moment, and then some painful thought must have taken over his consciousness to have made the tears fall so far.

“It’s okay. I was pretty sure this was going to happen,” noticing the dark blots on the rock. “I’ve honestly lost count of how many times I’ve cried over this.”

“Is it that bad? Does Sasuke-kun hurt you?”

Sakura knew just the right questions to spear his heart. Naruto looked towards the sky but even that was a wasted venture, teeth held together and more tears washing down his face, down his neck.

“I hurt myself.”

Naruto tried to explain. He had said he would. He had said he wanted her to have answers and he’d been fighting for a chance for weeks, _months_ to be alone with her to tell her exactly that. He was going to get it out and if this were his only chance, he would fight through anything.

“Of all people, why did it have to be _him?_ I just don’t get it sometimes. _Him_ , that stupid, _stupid_ —I wish I knew what it was or when it _started_ or what he did. I can’t go after you, Sakura-chan, because he’s in the way.”

“You sound like—do you _hate_ Sasuke-kun?”

“Hate? Fuck, I _wish_ —”

“Then…”

“I should hate him. I really should. He hates me.”

“You don’t know that.”

Naruto scoffed. “Nah, it’s okay, Sakura-chan. I’m pretty sure he does. I mean, why would anyone kill another person more than once if they didn’t hate them? And yet I’m still here, still living with that loser, still hurting myself. But I was always an idiot, right? I did say I’d rather live as a fool…”

When she didn’t speak, he glanced at her and the sadness was unmistakable. Naruto choked up again, felt his throat close in. He was still doing more harm than good. He was saying too much and there was nothing she could do to heal the hurt, selfishly telling her of fears she was unable to cure.

“I’m sorry, Sakura-chan. I’m sorry for everything.”

Sakura breathed.

“Don’t be sorry.”

She had something important to say. She had already decided she had to say it to him. That was why she insisted that they enjoyed their time together first because Naruto didn’t know if either of them would be able to afterwards.

Sakura said, “While I was back at my parent’s place, I had a lot of time to think. You know, I’ve always watched you and Sasuke-kun from a distance. There are things that I can see that you can’t. Maybe you’re blinded by the rivalry, I don’t know…”

Her explanation was simple in theory. Like so many others, they were too different, too alike, and their lives too bound to each other.

Sasuke grew up differently. Where Naruto was free, Sasuke was trapped by his clan. Sasuke wouldn’t have known it, though: what a child grows up with is what they consider normal. To Sasuke, it had been normal to seek the recognition of his brother and his father. It had been normal for the elders to expect great things of the children when they grew up. There were expectations and pressures and that was normal. That was aristocracy. That was lineage. That was privilege and heritage and social class. All of that was Sasuke’s birthright. That was the world one born into the Uchiha clan lived and breathed and it was normal and Sasuke had _everything_ Naruto never did.

Naruto never had a family. Sakura conceded and included Iruka, but Iruka didn’t go home with Naruto every night. Naruto never knew Iruka was only a few rooms down the hall if he ever a scary dream. Iruka wasn’t in the kitchen where the bandaids were kept when Naruto grazed his knee. Naruto might have run crying to Iruka when the villagers said mean things but he never ran to Iruka with a report card to boast about. And most of all, Naruto never had a brother to admire, to aspire to, to look up to, to adore, to envy, to love.

Sasuke loved his brother. Naruto already knew this.

Naruto knew this but he couldn’t _understand_ it. It was just knowledge in his head, just a fact, like one and one was two, Sasuke and Itachi was love. There was no thought, no meaning beyond it and Sakura shook her head. Maybe this was something Naruto wouldn’t ever be able to understand.

Sasuke’s childhood was full of bliss. It was effortless. He woke up to it every morning. He knew no other way to live. There was nothing black in his heart beyond the furious desire to prove himself to his brother, to impress his father and the clan. That was minimal compared with the dark and poisoned revulsion the village forced upon Naruto as a child. Sakura acknowledged this.

Naruto couldn’t understand what it felt like to lose everything overnight. Naruto had no memories of a time when he’d had anything more than nothing at all.

But Sasuke did.

“What do you think Sasuke-kun did when he woke up the next morning and it _wasn’t_ a bad dream?”

When there was no mother to run to, no father to impress, no brother to adore? When the streets smelled of blood and death and he heard the screams with his eyes open? When _breakfast_ wasn’t on the table, when he still had to put his clothes on and pack his bag and walk past corpses on his way to school? 

He was just seven years of age.

He lost his life overnight. He lost the life he was meant to have, at the hands of the brother he couldn’t hate, who he still loved.

Life as Sasuke understood it was obliterated. At seven years of age.

What was a seven-year-old kid to do when they couldn’t put the shattered pieces back together—when they couldn’t even find all the pieces? Sasuke forever after had a botched-up, patchwork existence. He had nothing when he should have had everything.

Somehow, and Sakura had no idea how, Sasuke survived until he became a part of Team 7. 

Sasuke knew he was dark. He knew he was holding onto the past. There wasn’t enough jet-black paint in the world to smother all that he had seen. But what reason did Sasuke have to move on? There wasn’t any. He had no reason to move on: the Uchiha massacre defined him. He was after all the Last Remaining Uchiha. Everyone knew about it, everyone talked about it in whispers behind his back. Sasuke could never hide all his secrets inside because everyone _knew_. It was too close for comfort and too close for peace and too close to let the memories fade so they weren’t so sharp and stark and vivid and absolute.

“Then there was me and you. Especially you.”

Naruto was the only other child who had nothing. They got there at different times but they shared something. Sasuke was from a noble family, Naruto was an Uzu-whatever, and they had that kind of unique, implicit connection. Even if they never spoke of it to each other, Sasuke knew, and maybe he was jealous and outraged that Naruto had the gall to _smile_ afterwards.

Of course Naruto and Sasuke never hit it off very well. The accidental kiss had nothing to do with it.

“Do you remember Sasuke-kun in the beginning? I do. He never smiled.”

Sasuke had ratbag Naruto on one shoulder and infatuated Sakura on the other. There was no room for the bad feelings with those mischievous, distracting comrades. Sasuke didn’t have time to think about the memories while trying not to fuck up every mission. There was a certain kind of comfort in that, a certain kind of blindness that he appreciated. For once in his life he didn’t think about the past, when his present consumed him enough that he could forget, for a little while. For a little while, Sasuke was a child and Sasuke lived.

Team 7 was family.

In the moments when the memories rushed back, however, Sasuke felt the depth of the scars. He had loved his family completely and limitlessly and then they were gone. Even if Sasuke wanted to, he couldn’t allow himself to become attached to anyone again. He was too afraid. For all the misery and despair he suffered, he got out of it the _fear_ of having his happiness contingent on another human being.

“I used to think it was so strange how he totally rejected all the girls. Guys would kill for that stuff, right?”

But when Sasuke spent every moment with the same three people, something was bound to form. Even if he didn’t want it, even if he rejected it, denied it, fought it, _hated it_ , he couldn’t stop it. Because Kakashi was always watching and Sakura was sweet and Naruto was too rambunctious and intimate and passionate to be avoided.

Naruto had a roaring inferno inside him. This poor, cursed orphan, with no clan or name to boast of, thought he could be Hokage.

Sasuke probably looked to Naruto for direction. Sasuke had grown up knowing he was going to be brilliant but Naruto was the opposite: Naruto was expected to fail and when he didn’t, that was when people took notice. When Sasuke took notice.

Naruto claimed that Sasuke had always hated him but that made no sense. From the moment Team 7 departed the village on their first mission, Sasuke was drawn to Naruto. Sakura could never forget the night in the Land of Waves when they had walked into Tazuna’s house together, holding each other up. They were not enemies.

Sasuke didn’t hate _Naruto_. Sasuke hated that Naruto could ever be a worthy opponent for an Uchiha. Sasuke especially hated it when Naruto got stronger, hated it _more_ when Naruto got stronger and he didn’t notice until he had already been surpassed because Naruto was supposed to be a _nothing_ child.

“Sasuke-kun was always the top of his class. You were just a drop-out—”

“Hey!”

“But it’s true, Naruto. So when you started winning and beating the enemies that Sasuke-kun couldn’t—when Sasuke-kun was depending on being the strongest because he had to be if he ever wanted to kill his brother—how do you think Sasuke-kun felt?”

Sasuke’s goal in life at that time was revenge. If Naruto were stronger, Sasuke’s life and what little of anything he had left was _**worthless**_.

Naruto was the person Sasuke turned to when he wanted a decent opponent. He could have tried to hate him but Naruto was twelve and silly and interpreted death glares as challenges. To Naruto, Sasuke did everything mean and unnecessary to wind him up, like a toy, like a game. Not to make enemies, not to tear bonds. And if Naruto were that close every day and treating him like both a physical and verbal sparring partner, Sasuke wasn’t getting angry at Naruto—he was angry at _himself_.

He needed time to focus, time without frivolous distractions. Kakashi took Sasuke away and Naruto went with Jiraiya. Sasuke thought it was his chance to soar, to shine, to outstrip his peers and live up to everything he was destined to be. Silly children like Naruto didn’t get anywhere in the end. Sasuke trained and trained and trained and—

Never was too soon. Itachi came back.

“I think that was it,” Sakura sighed, saying little else. “I think Sasuke-kun broke that day.”

Sitting in the hospital at Sasuke’s bedside, peeling apples and nattering away, she knew there was something wrong long before Sasuke smacked the tray out of her hands. Everything collapsed after that. Everything went wrong.

Naruto wasn’t old enough to see the real danger. Sakura reminded him that it wasn’t his fault, that no one blamed him. She knew Sasuke had manipulated him into a fight with just the right words, made him think he had an opportunity to receive Sasuke’s longed-for recognition if only he fought against him. Naruto had laughed and teased and accepted the challenge like any other.

“But Naruto, it wasn’t a game to Sasuke-kun.”

Sasuke thought he had it—

Sasuke didn’t _imagine_ anything but victory—

And when he _wasn’t_ victorious—when he _**failed**_ after everything he had seen and suffered and sacrificed—when _this_ was the reason for his existence—when the hole behind Naruto’s water tank was the final, fatal crack—

Sasuke needed power. The village wasn’t giving it to him fast enough. It wasn’t a choice: he couldn’t stay. He had all the knowledge about how to get more power and how to get it quickly. Orochimaru had shown him only fragments of what he could give and Sasuke was blind and greedy and obsessed and _**nobody**_ was going to stop him. Not even Naruto, his best friend, his best friend that Itachi had told him to kill—

“—Stop.”

Naruto had his face in his hands.

“I know. I know the rest.”

_Sasuke had to choose between me and his brother and **I wasn’t enough**._

“I know it all.”

Sakura watched him cry. She didn’t know what to do. Naruto was breaking down all over again when the memories hadn’t softened over time, when he still saw the fight he couldn’t win in agonizing clarity years after the fact. Naruto and Sasuke were the same. They couldn’t forget. They wouldn’t _allow_ themselves to forget.

“I think Sasuke-kun is lucky you’re alive. You’re _alive_ , Naruto.”

Maybe it was a perverse thing to say, that Sasuke was lucky Naruto didn’t die each time he killed him.

“I’m sure Sasuke-kun knows he’s done nothing to deserve such luck. I’m sure he knows there’s no one else in the world as lucky as he is, to have a best friend like you who, in spite of everything he’s done, never stops believing in him.”

Wasn’t it so curious that Naruto was the only person who Sasuke couldn’t severe ties with, the only person who _would not die_ when Sasuke killed him, the only person who could use Sasuke to help him control the nine-tailed demon fox with his sharingan, the only person who could set the fire inside Sasuke alight with his wind-tipped fingers—

It was so curious.

Of all the people, out of everyone in the world—

“Can you even imagine what must have been done to bring you two together time after time, no matter what you did? No one else _makes sense_ like you and Sasuke-kun do.”

Sasuke must have realised it too. He must have. He was thrown into Naruto’s path too many times for it to keep being an accident, a coincidence, to be sheer and hard luck. Even without Naruto there, Sasuke was always reminded of what he had left behind. 

“What if he just didn’t _know_ how to come back?”

Sasuke would never allow _Naruto_ to drag him back. His pride was just that stupid and inflated.

“What if he was afraid you would tease him about it?”

Tease? _Tease?_ Out of everything, after all the destruction and betrayal he had committed, _that_ was his _**fear**?_

Sasuke knew his deepest fear. He knew himself and he knew his fear and he couldn’t stop it. What _if_ the one person left who still believed in him _teased_ him? How could he fight a feeling so powerful, so restrictive, and so controlling? Fear had stopped Sasuke from developing any sort of competent social skills—something so trivial, so natural. If Sasuke couldn’t even smile to show appreciation, how was he supposed to return to the village?

Sasuke had been so young when he left. He didn’t _want_ to defect—if there had been any other way—

How could he just _go back?_ When he realised there was nothing left for him to do, how could he just go back to the one person who still _gave a damn_ whether he lived or died?

He was an S-rank criminal. He thought he would have died, walking into Konoha’s borders with emptiness in his eyes. Maybe he thought he wasn’t worthy. Maybe he thought he didn’t deserve to live after everything he’d done in life and maybe he was _so ashamed_ he didn’t have the guts to kill himself. Maybe he needed someone to do it for him and maybe, like his brother, if he caused the one person he couldn’t kill to **_hate_** him enough—

Maybe he wanted just one more chance. Maybe he realized that killing and running and drowning in power was no life at all and maybe he wondered what really mattered in life when he still wasn’t happy or whole at the end of it all. Maybe he realised that to achieve the happiness and wholeness and peace that had been stolen from him at seven years of age meant he had to go back to the beginning because he knew the only thing for him in life was— 

“You.”

in a voice so soft the emotion behind the words was the loudest of all.

Naruto said, “That’s not true.”

“What else would he be staying for?”

And Naruto didn’t have an answer.

He said, “But he treats me like—out of everyone, I can’t think of a person he would hate more.”

“ _What—!_ Have you even been listening to me?” Sakura’s voice jumped and screeched. “I just told you what I think of Sasuke-kun’s life and you still—!”

“I know. I’m sorry, Sakura-chan. I know. But you don’t know what he does.” Naruto glanced at her and sighed when her anger blurred and faded. “I don’t know what you think it is we do—sometimes I’m not even sure. We never kiss and then I just wanted to try it once and he told me he’d kill me. It’s not… romantic, if that’s what you think it is. He’s completely selfish.”

“So why would you keep sleeping with him? That’s what I don’t get. If you knew—”

“Why?” Naruto laughed and took a breath. “Well, why do I do anything for that bastard? I mean, look at what I’ve done: I’ve just spent the last five years hauling my ass around the country chasing him and now I’m living and sleeping with him. Why do you think I do anything for him, like what do you really, _really_ think? Because I’m pretty sure that’s all there is to it, and because of it, if I have to sleep with him just to make him _stay with me_ , then I guess that’s just what I’ve got to do.”

“I don’t… understand.”

But Naruto could tell she most certainly and unwillingly did understand.

“It’s okay,” said Naruto. “You can believe it even if it doesn’t seem like you can. God knows I’m trying to.”

“I still don’t understand. What are you saying?”

“Sakura-chan,” with a crooked smile and a scoff, “I am not saying that shit out loud. What, you think it makes it more real or something if I do? I can’t explain all the ways Sasuke devastates me.”

Naruto knew even that was saying too much. The look on Sakura’s face—

He said, “I think I might go away for a little while.”

Her breath rushed out—

“I can’t stay here. It hurts too much. I don’t care if he hates me but sometimes I think he feels nothing and _that_ more than anything—I just can’t take it anymore. I’ll go away for a while and be alone and train and when I’m stronger, I’ll come back and make everything right. I won’t fuck up again.”

“But you can’t _leave_ him—”

“I can, actually,” said Naruto, calmly. Sakura looked scared to the core. “He’ll be alright. He has you and Sai and everyone else—”

“But he needs _you_ most of all!”

“No.”

Sakura’s face distorted.

“He doesn’t need me.”

“You didn’t listen to a thing I just said!”

“I listened. I know what you said,” said Naruto. “But I just can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. I don’t want to be his entertainment—I want to be his equal. I’ve made up my mind—”

“No!”  
  
  
  
  
“No—Naruto, _no_ —”  
  
  
  
  
“No—no, you can’t leave. Just listen to me—I know what you must feel. I’ve seen the way that Sasuke-kun treats you and it’s disgusting but—”  
  
  
  
  
Sakura wasn’t trying to make excuses for Sasuke.  
Sasuke _was_ dark and broody and vengeful and manipulative and emotionally detached from everyone,  
but she thought Naruto must have lacked some fundamental spark of empathy—

because if he had even a basic grasp of human psychology,  
or even one iota of compassion

then he could have at least understood and sympathised with what _caused_ Sasuke’s behavior,  
even if he didn’t condone it.  
  
  
  
  


Naruto was far away.  
And Sakura cried.

\--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At home, Sasuke felt disappointed. Naruto had been too distracted by boobs to realize Sasuke had henge’d as Sakura.

\--

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	12. end

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


# eleven/end

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


\--

Naruto pulled the apartment door closed and kicked off his shoes. It was dark and quiet. He turned a light on and wandered through the kitchen, into the hall, stopped at Sai’s door and tapped out a knock with a grin.

“Yo, Sai.”

Naruto wasn’t so averse to Sai’s over-exercised expressions anymore. He had grown used to them since spending so much time with him. They were a part of his face, a part of Sai who he thought of as a friend.

“I’m going to be staying here tonight,” said Naruto. “So if you wanted to go out, I’m just letting you know you can. So… go find some girls and have a good time.”

“I thought you said you were leaving.”

“Yeah, about that…” Naruto poked at a mark on Sai’s door. “I forgot to tell Baachan. Should probably do that so I’m not marked as a missing-nin.” Laughing. “Could turn out badly if I were—look what happened to the last one.”

It wasn’t that funny anymore when Naruto was the only one who got the joke. His laughter went soft and Sai stared at him still waiting for the punchline.

“So… I’m going to go see her tomorrow morning.”

Sai nodded but said nothing more, smiled at Naruto who smiled back. He wasn’t sure whose was more pretend.

\--

Naruto didn’t undress. He walked into his room and lay down on his bed, pulled the covers over his legs.

_Fuck. That’s all I’ve got. Just… fuck._

Naruto couldn’t think. He had no thoughts but it wasn’t like the last time when he had no thoughts or feelings. He had feelings this time. The strongest of those was guilt. Regretting that he had said too much. Sakura had always been easy to confide in but this time he was sure he had said too much. It was a relief at the time but Sakura couldn’t do anything with the knowledge and she had _begged_ him to stay.

Sakura was smart. She saw things in Sasuke that Naruto didn’t think to look for. She was too smart to have been the kind of person Naruto could open up to.

_I don’t know._

_But I get it._

If Sakura were right, then the more Sasuke hurt someone, the more they meant to him. Naruto could not have been anything less than Sasuke’s best and closest friend by such a measure and he didn’t know if that was a good thing.

If Sakura were right and Sasuke was so scared he might have felt something for someone that _wasn’t_ hate or indifference or tolerance—so scared that he _intentionally_ hurt the very people he cared about—but for Naruto, whose feelings and attachments came naturally and immediately and unconditionally, it was almost too hard to understand such a fear—

A fear so strong it made Sasuke cruel.

If Sakura were right and such a fear did exist in Sasuke’s mind, it should have been impossible. Sasuke should not have formed _any_ bonds at all. How—despite how much Naruto wanted to accept the conclusion— _how_ could Sasuke have allowed anyone to mean so much to him when he was just— _so_ — _ **scared**_ —they could be taken away again?

If Sakura were right, then that was why Sasuke treated him so brutally. If the bond Sasuke felt for him was too strong for Sasuke to break himself, then he would inflict upon Naruto the worst pain he would ever know until _Naruto_ had to break it.

But what if Sakura were wrong? What if Sasuke really _was_ just that heartless?

 _I can’t think. I don’t know what to do._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Two Weeks, One Day 

  


Naruto reached the top of the staircase. In front of him was the single, dark wood door of the Hokage office. Outside, two ANBU stood at attention. One had a mask like a fox; the other, like a snake.

They recognised him. The one with the fox mask made a move. Naruto put his hand up to stop the ANBU, and then he bent over to brace his hands on his knees, as one might do to catch one’s breath.

He had come this far. From the first stirrings of his mind at waking to these last steps, all Naruto had thought about was what he was going to do. What he was going to say. He had planned to leave, had told Sai as much. But he was here now, asking for it, and it felt unreal and suddenly he wasn’t sure. Pieces of the talk with Sakura came back to him.

Naruto straightened up, dusted his hands. “Okay. Let’s do this.”

The fox-masked ANBU knocked on the door. There was a faint call on the other side. Naruto set his hand on the door, and pushed.

The air from inside hit Naruto as a cloud stained with the scent of paper and ink. He marched forward and stopped, as usual, at the centre of the room. Tall posture, hands politely resting on the small of his back. He noticed that, unlike last time, there were no ANBU to stare at.

There were no ANBU because there was no space for them to stand. White document boxes filled the perimeter, some stacked taller than Naruto himself, some open, some spilled across Tsunade’s desk. What should have been an elegant room in which to receive noble guests was claustrophobic, the clutter closing in. It had not been like this last time.

Tsunade said, “You look like you have something you want to tell me.”

Naruto could bet every letter of his torment was printed on his face. If she didn’t let him go—if she couldn’t afford to let him go—he would have to talk fast on the spot. Naruto was good at talking. Sometimes. He would have to be good now.

Naruto took a breath. On the exhale, he said:

“I think… I want to leave for a little while?”

Tsunade’s chair creaked, leaning back. She laced her fingers over her stomach. “That’s a shame,” she said, “because I was going to grant Uchiha access outside. But if you’re not going to be here, I can’t trust him to stay either. He’s just as likely to run off after you.”

Naruto tittered a polite laugh, though at the same time, he felt his heart skitter in warning, as though there had been some disconnect of understanding.

“Well,” said Tsunade, “he’s survived this many months so far. Another couple indoors won’t hurt him. I’m sure you two had enough fun gallivanting around the valleys yesterday to last him until you get back anyhow. Was there somewhere in particular you were planning to go?”

Tsunade smiled. It seemed to be a mixture of pride at her own cleverness and the reaction her words provoked: the slackening of his mouth, the further deepening of his brows. She was—saying something strange—something that wasn’t supposed to be confusing but—it _must_ have been because—if it meant what it sounded like—

“Oh Naruto," Tsunade chided. "You didn’t really think a simple henge technique would throw the ANBU off, did you?”

Naruto stared. His heart hammered. Tsunade’s eyes sparkled with a victorious gleam his mind could not rationalize. His thoughts were starting to choke off and wipe clear, broken down by the roaring and heart-pounding in his head too loud that over it, he couldn’t quite—hear her short puffs of laughter—

“The ANBU are elite ninja, Naruto. I think I speak on behalf of them when I say I’m offended you would underestimate their skills so much.”

Then there was an expanse of silence because Naruto wasn’t saying anything when he most definitely should have been, and how could he when—too many thoughts were clamouring for his attention to—articulate even one of them—

“What’s wrong? Of course I would have _preferred_ you had told me but since Uchiha didn’t cause a scene or run away, I guess I can let you off the hook. Just don’t do it again without my permission.”

“Yesterday?” Naruto felt a hand shaking along his face, over his mouth and the staggered breath that came out. “That was Sakura-chan.”

The room went silent. There was an interval when Naruto could do no more than hold Tsunade’s hard stare, her smile dropping, a frown appearing—and then a nauseating sensation weighed Naruto’s gaze to the ground, and blood pulsed in his ears, and heat washed all through his face—

“Are you saying you didn’t know it was Sasuke?—Naruto—!”

Where his legs folded, his mouth gaped. Naruto squatted on the floor with his head in his hands and sickness in his stomach and eyes unfocused to the wood and there was no strength in his muscles and everything was hot and weak and stinging and shrill and blurred and shivering and _unbelievable_ —

“I don’t believe you—”

_“One of my biggest fears is that I’ll lose you too. I can’t lose you.”_

_“I shouldn’t have left you. I promise I’ll stay this time.”_

Naruto, who had skin worshipped by the sun, was pale-sick and whiter than—

“Naruto, what’s wrong? Tell me!”

_“I should hate him. I really should. He hates me.”_

_“You don’t know that.”_

Tsunade was at his side with her hand on his back and Naruto was going to faint—he _had_ to faint—he wanted nothing else but to faint and then wake up and maturely and sequentially deal with the _shit_ he had just—

“I think I just—”

_“He knew the only thing for him in life was **you**. What else would he be staying for?”_

“Are you sure it was Sasuke? It couldn’t have been. I would’ve noticed. I _know_ Sasuke—I would have noticed!” Looking at Tsunade and pleading that she changed her mind, that she succumbed to her contained hysterics and told him she was just playing a silly joke on him—that she was just bored and he couldn’t believe her—“You’re wrong. You made a mistake. It’s _got to be_ —”

_“No one else **makes sense** like you and Sasuke-kun do.”_

“Sasuke suppressed his chakra signal, but ANBU weren’t mistaken. It was definitely—”

“Then how do you know it was Sasuke?”

“When Sasuke’s chakra disappeared and Sakura, whose own signal was at her parent’s house, suddenly appeared from the apartment, we put two and two together. The ANBU even checked. Sasuke wasn’t there.”

_“But you can’t **leave** him—he needs **you** most of all—!”_

“Naruto, what could possibly have happened at the valleys to have made you so scared?”

“I—I told Sakura— _Sasuke_ —I told him _**everything**_ —all of it, I mean—oh god, I told him—oh god—oh _shit_ —oh _**fuck**_ —”

_“I can’t explain all the ways Sasuke devastates me.”_

\--

Naruto faced the apartment door. It was a slab of grey steel installed between grayer, poorly-painted concrete walls. Damp air curled over the sweat on his neck. His legs, which had felt the whole way home as if they were shaking, would have to cross the threshold. His eyes closed of their own volition.

It explained why Sakura had seemed to understand so much about Sasuke’s life—

_Because I was talking to fucking **Sasuke**._

Naruto’s head swam. His muscles felt weak and sick and shivery. He thought about the mission. He thought about the consequence of failure. He thought about what he had to do to realize success. He thought, again, about running away.

_I told you—_

Everything.

Naruto reached into his pocket for his key. He would open the door, walk inside, and, like normal, he would go to his room. If the gods were kind, he would not pass Sasuke on the way there. 

Naruto wondered how much hate a god could harbour for a single person, whether Sasuke was watching television, and whether he would see Sasuke as soon as he entered.

_But you told me first. You told me your whole life first._

It wouldn’t matter what Sasuke had told him if—

_You’re going to kill me._

_You’re going to kill me and you won’t even need to touch me._

Months ago, during their first fight, Sasuke had mashed Naruto’s head between his foot and the kitchen floor, and Naruto had experienced a moment of throbbing ache and disorientation. Weeks later, when Naruto took his frustration out on a wall, his fist had stung for a second. Years of training had taught him how to cope with physical pain. It was familiar. It recovered with time. Sex had been a new level of hurt, and most of it had not been of the body, but Naruto had found ways to manage that too, kind of.

Naruto put his hand on the doorknob. His heart clattered anew. Physical pain healed. It was nowhere near as intimate and destructive as everything inside. If Sasuke were so determined to kill him—then Naruto had just given him all the ammunition he would ever need.

Naruto fit the key in the lock. The physical forces created when rasengan and chidori met—perhaps that was something like the pressure inside his chest.

_I basically told you I—_

“— _Fuck_ — _!_ ”

Holding the door open, Sasuke said, “What are you doing out here?”

Snapped back against the stairwell railing, Naruto felt no pain over the strangling stampede of his heartbeat. Sasuke raked his gaze up Naruto’s tangle of limbs to his eyes. He stepped out onto the concrete.

“Hey, you’re not allowed outside!—I mean—you _are?_ ”

“What the hell are you squealing about?” said Sasuke.

“Baachan said you can go outside.”

Sasuke adopted an insouciant lean against the door and crossed his arms. He wore the same black trousers and black, short-sleeved shirt he always did. Behind him, the kitchen walls were yellow with sunshine. Light caught stray strands of Sasuke’s hair, disheveled, as always, by restless sleep.

“Okay,” said Sasuke. “But that doesn’t explain what you were doing out here for so long.”

Naruto laughed. “Can’t I get some fresh air?”

Sasuke stared.

Naruto tightened his grip on the railing. “So where were you going?”

“I wasn’t going anywhere,” said Sasuke. “I was wondering what you were doing out here for so long, since your chakra signal is so big and you’re too stupid to hide it.”

Naruto shuddered an exhalation.

Sasuke tipped his head against the door. “If you’re going to start complaining about a sore back, I don’t want to hear it. Didn’t you sense me coming? Or do you only sense for chakra signals during a fight?”

“I—wasn’t—”

“You don’t? That’s kind of dangerous.”

Naruto clawed his fingers around the metal and forced his face to show nothing. Something loud in his head was snapping off every tendril of thought as he realised, with horrifying clarity, that the conversation he never, ever wanted to happen was unfurling in the doorway of their apartment.

It couldn’t. It wouldn’t end like this. He had to expose Sasuke first. That was his only option. Admission. No, more than that. He would not dangle at Sasuke’s tongue-tip like a candy to be sweetly sucked before being crushed between vicious teeth. But in order to do that, for the second time in his life, Naruto had to say the words he had said to Sakura’s fabricated face, and then three more. Naruto knew the exposure would distort his personality, but the alternative was unimaginable. Then he would flee.

Sasuke said, “Are you going to come inside or not?”

“Huh?”

Sasuke sighed.

“I don’t know why I bother.” Sasuke turned and pushed off the door. Naruto grabbed it before it could slam. “Talking to you makes me stupid. What a waste of my time. Hey.” Sasuke spun as Naruto was taking his first step into the apartment. Naruto’s stomach somersaulted. “You took so long doing whatever you were doing and now it’s way after lunch and I’m hungry. Can you make me something?”

“I don’t know. Do you want ramen?”

“No,” said Sasuke, over-loudly. His dark eyes dipped and rose. “Ramen is all Sai knows how to make.”

“Did you miss my cooking?”

Sasuke regarded him for a long moment. In the background, the soft sounds of a dramatised sword fight played out on television.

“Yes,” said Sasuke. He smiled in that quiet way he sometimes did. Then he stalked into the lounge room.

A strange sensation seemed to overflow from some place in Naruto’s chest, a fizzing that was so appallingly unfit a companion for the weight that had made it hard to breathe. Naruto tried to ignore it, hide it. He could feel it infect his head and then his face, becoming brighter. He lifted his hands to the corners of his mouth and tried to rub off the effects.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Two Weeks, Two Days 

  


Naruto woke when the stars were fading. Darkness coated the rooftops, while the horizon was thin, auburn line. Naruto let the curtain hem fall back, and then he lay on top of the sheets with an arm on his forehead, and stared at the ceiling. 

Outside his room, there was housework to catch up on. Sai had not done laundry. Sai had not done anything. He was not entirely to blame, though Naruto now had a new appreciation for the persistence with which Sakura had tried to maintain order.

Naruto dragged a shirt over his head. The work would tire his body, while the thinking would tire his head, and then he would sleep, and when he woke, he would formulate a plan. He would avoid Sasuke as much as possible.

Naruto opened his bedroom door to Sasuke standing outside it, startling him. Sasuke gave a little grin and lowered the hand that had been about to knock.

“You’re learning,” said Sasuke.

“What are you talking about?”

“Didn’t you sense me?”

Naruto breathed in and out, deliberately.

Sasuke’s smile dropped. “Where are you going?”

“Track my enormous, unsuppressed chakra signal if you want to know.”

Naruto strode past Sasuke into the hall. Sasuke’s voice behind him was no louder than his normal speaking volume. “I’m hungry.”

“There are leftovers in the fridge.”

“I want chicken porridge.”

“We don’t have any chicken.”

“Then _buy me some._ ”

Growled, as though punched from his gut. Naruto stopped. Pounding in his chest reached a crescendo and pitched heat into his cheeks, but he pushed it down, and turned. Sasuke’s fists were clenched.

Naruto said, “Why are you awake?”

“I’m always awake at this time.”

Naruto’s gaze shifted from dark eyes to the shadows underneath. He said, “Have you slept?”

Sasuke stared. He blinked slowly.

“You are so annoying.” Naruto barged past Sasuke and retrieved his frog wallet from his bag. “Don’t go anywhere.” 

“Have I ever listened to you?” said Sasuke.

\--

The sun was a blistering yoke above the horizon when Naruto entered the markets. Wagon wheels trundled through narrow streets as farmers stripped back the last of their canvas covers. Early morning was a good time to shop, while the crowds were scarce, before the produce began to wilt in the heat. Everywhere was the smell of seafood except where barrels of chestnuts spun and roasted. Naruto bought some in lieu of his own breakfast.

There were more people than Naruto expected, though not all were customers. Some were darting messengers, dressed in green vests and carrying poles on the ends of which were cylinders for scrolls. A group of teenage chuunin passed through on their way to a patrol. Some were farmers, or the children of farmers, hauling boxes on their backs. The sheen of sweat covered their arms and necks.

“Naruto.”

Naruto turned, and the sounds blurred to a background hum. He saw a girl about his age in a pink sundress. Her shoulder-length hair was caught up in a ribbon of emerald and polka-dotted yellow. She had a shopping bag over her shoulder, as yet flat and empty.

Sakura said, “What are you doing here?”

Naruto forced himself to smile. “Just buying chicken.”

“No, I mean—” Sakura stood a step away. Closer, Naruto could see her expression. “I thought you’d left.” Sakura recoiled. “I mean—you aren’t going to, are you?”

Naruto thought about his reply.

“I’m sorry.” Then, in a different tone, “I’m sorry.” She said, after another pause, “I don’t want you to leave. I was so scared that you did. But I can’t blame you for wanting to. I mean”—Sakura bowed her head at the sandy streets—“I did, after all.”

It was as if Sakura had rehearsed everything she wanted to say, exactly the way she wanted to say it, in as few words as possible, so as to get them out before anyone could cast her aside. Naruto found he had difficulty receiving eye contact.

“I’m not leaving,” said Naruto, and a spike hit his chest. He wasn’t sure if he was lying.

Sakura shrunk: her shoulders dropped, her head bowed. The weight pushed air from Sakura’s mouth. Naruto was about to say more, but a tan-faced man balancing wooden steamers on a pole over his shoulder was approaching, and Sakura was in his path.

“Hey,” said Naruto, “If you’re not busy, why don’t we go hang out at the valleys?”

Sakura gave him a strange look.

“I know you’re still angry,” said Naruto. “But I’ve been thinking a lot since you moved out, about you and Sasuke and me. I thought we could go have some fun at the valleys first and then talk about the real stuff after.”

Sakura stared a moment longer. She said, “That seems…” She mulled the choice. “Actually like a good idea.” She smiled in the same cautious way. “Who told you to suggest that?”

“No one. God. Sometimes I can just have good ideas.”

“Excuse me,” said the steamer man.

“Come on.” Naruto took Sakura by the hand.

\--

From Naruto’s position reclined on the grass, head turned, he watched Sakura balance her white sandals on a rock and wade out into a slow-moving stream. The clouds moved only when Naruto didn’t watch them. He closed his eyes against the speckling sun. Twittering birds, trickles of water, and splashes of footsteps blurred to a background soundtrack.

Until a shock of cold water to his face wrenched Naruto out of his dozing and onto his feet.

Sakura ran squealing back into the water. “You said you wanted to have some fun first!” 

“Get back here!”

Pale, pearl silk and coral netting shimmered as Sakura ran. Naruto caught her, held her in a disabling grip that pitched her skirt dangerously close to the stream. He was not about to throw her into the water, though the threat of it was causing Sakura to promise him marvellous things in exchange for clemency. He put her down.

Traitorous Sakura kicked water at his trousers and dashed off across the grassy banks.

\--

Sakura crumpled into a yielding heap under a ceiling of branching leaves. Though panting and demanding leniency, she was smiling.

Naruto sat down beside her on the grass. He checked her chakra signal, and then said, “Baachan… said Sasuke can go outside now.”

Sakura sat up. “Really? That’s good. I guess he flourished under Sai’s care.”

“I don’t think Sai has ever settled down anywhere before. He can barely take care of himself. But you’re right. He’s a good guy.”

“I brought him some food while you were away.”

“Yeah? That was nice of you.”

Leaves shifted gently overhead. Naruto pulled at pieces of grass. “Do you want to talk about it now?”

Sakura let out a soft breath through her nose. She said, looking elsewhere, “I thought you liked him. I never really got it. Why would you take advantage of him like that?”

“I—was not the one who approached him.”

Sakura’s mouth parted. Then something ticked over in her head that drew her brows together. Almost spitting it out, “Then why did you agree?”

Green eyes attached to his. Naruto watched as the full scope of understanding swept her face.

Naruto said, “I’m not sleeping with him.”

“Yeah, for now.”

“I’m not going to do anything that would hurt you.” Naruto paused. He stared at the grass and said, as the feeling rose in him, “I know I made mistakes. But I miss you. I want you to come home. I want both my best friends by my side again.”

“Best friends,” said Sakura. “Do you want to sleep with me?”

“No.”

“But you want to sleep with Sasuke-kun.”

Naruto said, “I know you’re still angry at me. And I know why you’re angry at me. But I’m going to try my hardest not to be that person anymore.”

“Because of me,” said Sakura. “But if I weren’t in the picture—”

“But you are.”

The quality of her gaze had changed. She wasn’t listening, or she had and dismissed it. “I had never thought of you as a rival. I think that was where most of my anger stemmed from. Still stems from. It’s weird. I think I hated myself a little too. It felt like I knew nothing about you.” She was staring at the stream, partially aware as though caught by her thoughts. “I doubt I’ll ever understand how you two work. But I want you to talk to me. I can’t help you if you don’t.”

Naruto heard it as his eyes carefully searched Sakura’s face. He would not be the one to speak, to clarify, and the urge strained inside him, like the moments before he lunged into battle.

Sakura said, “Even I want to sleep with him sometimes.” She laughed. “It’s natural. Look at him. His personality really dampens the appeal, though. It took me a long time to realise that.”

“I like his personality.”

Sakura’s gaze rolled over, another knowing look.

“I like yours, too,” Naruto added. “I like you both. Don’t take it the wrong way. It’s not that I like him any more than I like you. You’ll always be my best friend.”

“You should, you know. Like him more than me.”

Naruto looked sharply at Sakura, who scuffled the ground with her bare feet, looking down.

“I think we both made a lot of mistakes,” said Sakura. “I’ll listen. I’ll give you the time, if you ever want to talk to me. Because I don’t want you to hurt each other.” Sakura smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “You guys are my whole world. I want our Team 7 family to get along. I can’t _stand_ it when you two fight. So if you _do_ sleep with Sasuke-kun again,” turning to point an accusing finger at his nose, playful glare on her face, “you have to promise you like him more than me. Do you?”

Naruto laughed. “I could just tell you what you want to hear, you know.”

“You can say whatever you want but I’ll know the truth anyway if you start being mopey at home again.”

Sakura stretched and when Naruto looked at her, her smile was real and free. In his ears he heard her ask if it would be okay for her to move back in—if it were really as okay as he was making it seem and despite the yelling and the fighting and the constant need to be at each other’s throats, she still missed them so much. Naruto had never been able to deny either of his best friends anything that would make them as happy as she was.

“Of course you can,” he said. “Come home where we are.” 

\--

Naruto pulled the apartment door closed with a soft click. Hot, filthy sunshine streamed into the kitchen without enough wind to counter its heat. Naruto spied a gap on the countertop between piled dishes and strewn bowls to put the groceries down on. He circumnavigated Sasuke to get to it.

Sasuke said, “Where were you?”

“You’re allowed outside. Nothing stopping you from coming with me.”

“How did it take two hours to buy chicken? Did they make you kill it yourself?”

“Had to make sure it was fresh.”

Naruto did not hear the footsteps, but he saw shadows move to his side. His clothes shifted, disturbed, and there was pressure where there should not have been. Naruto grabbed at a single line of self-control. Then he spun.

Sasuke didn’t resist it, though he should have seen it coming. Sasuke, held in place by the scruff of his shirt bunched in Naruto’s fist, was a study in the debilitating effects of exhaustion on the mind.

Naruto discarded his instinctual retorts. He let go and stepped back. “Sorry.”

“Sorry?” Sasuke almost choked on his laugh.

“Go lie down. I’ll call you when it’s done.”

“Why wait another hour when I could just relax after a few seconds with you?”

Naruto stymied any attempt from his body to betray reactions.

“You were gone a long time.” Sasuke's voice was soft and shaky. “Why won’t you tell me what you were doing? I thought about it. If you’re gathering supplies so you can run away again, I’ll chase you. I’ll hunt you down. Would you like that?”

“Sasuke,” said Naruto. “Stop.”

A flicker of anger flared and snuffed. Sasuke stood two paces away. His eyes were thinned and slow-blinking, and his chest, which had expanded and deflated in rapid succession, had stabilized for the most part.

Naruto held his fists, unravelled, at his sides.

“Sakura-chan’s moving back in.”

The news stirred no response from Sasuke.

“I don’t want to fight you.”

“You’ll fight me whether you like it or not,” said Sasuke. “Lucky for you, what little energy I had has been sapped by your bullshit. Bring me the food when it’s done.”

As Sasuke disappeared into the hallway, Naruto waited for the splintering crack of plaster, the slam of a door. But there was nothing, which provided Naruto momentary relief, but which may have been worse in the long run.

\--

Like a dark bud unfurling its petals, realisation came to Naruto that night as he watched his curtains undulate. A quick death was difficult to savour, and Naruto knew what it was like to grind a tool to the end of its usefulness.

 _This can’t go on._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Weeks 

  


Sai put his tea down on the armrest of the couch to watch Naruto stuff his feet into his shoes with a backpack slung over his shoulder.

“Where are you off to today?”

“The library.”

“Really? Wait for me. I’ve almost finished the last book I borrowed out.”

_You cannot come with me. Not for this._

Naruto’s head buzzed. “You actually believe I’m going to the library?”

Sai’s stare migrated in a way that showed he hadn’t truly contemplated what a sentence with the words _Naruto_ and _library_ sounded like.

Bolting out the door before Sai asked where he was really going and Naruto didn’t have the on-the-spot skills to recite a believable enough lie—

_Why did I even say ‘library’ in the first place? God, I am terrible at this subtlety thing._

\--

The air inside the library smelled like new wood under the immediate blanket of paper pages. Early in the morning, there were only a few other patrons perusing bookcases, and the staff, professionally dress, shelved books that had come through during the night. Naruto had never been a bookish child; the paths through the library shelves were as unfamiliar to him as the streets through towns in far away countries.

Naruto pulled a book out at random— _hold up—this is the fiction section?_

Naruto bounded up the stairs to the second level. Numbers instead of letters set the books in sequence here.

Naruto started at one end until he had convinced himself that the books he wanted were at the other end and then started backwards from there. _They’re definitely in the middle_ —vague and desperate heartbeats of worry between reading titles and glancing nervously at the clock. He had to go help Sakura move back into the apartment in the afternoon and he still had immense amounts of theory to cram.

_No one else is doing what I’m doing. There has to be an easier way._

Not looking at the books and staring at the other patrons in the library made him conscious of the passing time but he watched, carefully, as they either approached a staff member or consulted a list posted on the ends of the shelves. Naruto backtracked and stared at the categories on the map and tried to think up ways to ask without asking.

_Yeah well this is what you get when kids spend all their time learning how to fight._

“Excuse me.” Fatal words on a practiced face. “Could you help me? I’m looking for some books.”

The elderly staff member cleared his throat and lead Naruto to the books he sought with courtesy. Naruto stared. His entire future, captured in print inside the covers of half a shelf of books.

\--

Sakura’s childhood home was the kind Naruto had always envisioned in storybooks. It was a two-storey feature of squat proportions with a garden of cosmos flowers bordering the inside walls. While piling boxes into a cart, Naruto learnt that Sakura took after her father in looks and her mother in temperament.

Midday heat took its toll on Sakura last. Naruto watched her collapse beside him on shaded stepping stones and poured her a cup of lemon water from a glass pitcher. Then another. He passed her a wet towel to hang around her neck.

Sakura asked the one thing Naruto knew she would and hoped she wouldn’t.

He said, “The house is clean.”

“I’m not sure that’s what I asked.”

“It isn’t, but it should tell you a lot about how Sasuke is anyway.”

“Better?”

“Hardly.” Naruto scoffed. “Though at least the messiness isn’t stressing him out anymore.”

“He does like being in control,” said Sakura in a strange way that made Naruto’s gaze linger.  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Weeks, One Day 

  


Naruto read. He read and read and read. He moved chairs with the sunstream and showed the curiosity, the realization, the surprise on his face when he learned something he had gone his whole life believing the opposite of. A full stomach after lunch put him to sleep for a while and gave him strength into the night.

In between, Naruto either cannibalized or confiscated the guts of the second plan and tweaked, reread, and revised the original plan. It was looking a little more together by the end of the day. An aching head before bed was comforting evidence that he was doing all that he could.  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Weeks, Four Days 

  


By now, Naruto had gone over details enough times that he had them memorised without meaning to. Whether anything he had done towards fixing the flaws had made his plan better or worse, whether it had been better or worse to start with, he honestly wasn’t sure. Sometimes he wondered if the plan was good because it _was_ good or if it just seemed that way because the words were new.

Naruto leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling. This wouldn’t work if he wavered.

_I believed in you then. I believe in you now. And to the day I die, I always will believe in you._

_Ah—_

  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Weeks, Five Days 

  


Sasuke had his beef bowl positioned right under his face so that he didn’t have to look at anyone. He held his hair back with one hand as he ate, and Naruto had to quell the urge to tell him to be done with it and just flick his hair behind his ear. Sasuke slurped the soup, then licked the residue off his lips. If he knew he was being watched, he made no move to censure the attention. He was no more or less frigid than he had been all week.

Naruto had an idea. An idea that was not only supposed to stop Sasuke from using him, killing him, or whatever other purpose he had in mind, but also stop Sasuke from repeating his actions in the future. A single idea against the machinations of Sasuke’s mind and only one chance to play it.

Sasuke scraped the last grains of rice from the dish and rose out of his chair. “Thank you for the food, Sakura.”

_So not only are you washing your dishes now but you’re even thanking people._

_Your progress could not be slower._

Sakura said, “Oh, it wasn’t me. Naruto made it.”

Sasuke looked at him for the first time in six days, and Naruto decided that was as good an opportunity as he was probably ever going to get.

_Let’s try this again. How we should have started. Because this time I know what to do._

“Hey, Sasuke,” said Naruto. “Will you go out with me?”  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Seven Months, Three Weeks, Six Days 

  


Standing a short distance away on the other side of the training field, Naruto dragged a grin over Sasuke from sandal sole to the bored look in his black eyes. He congratulated himself on his own deviousness: nothing less than a fight was going make Sasuke _go out_ anywhere with him and he knew it.

_You said yes to going out with me. And I’m really happy you pretended I was just talking about the fight. But I’m still gonna kick your ass._

Jounin ninja distinguished by their uniforms and younger-faced Chuunin were dotted intermittently along the field perimeter. Unmasked ANBU guards caught Naruto’s scan as well, standing in the dark dapples of tree shadows. Naruto smiled, flexing his hands. He could not to screw up in front of shinobi or civilian villagers. He could not screw up in front of Sakura. Sai. Kakashi, Yamato, his classmates from the genin days. A lot of people, it seemed, wanted to see the two most temperamental ninja in the village beat the shit out of each other.

“Don’t kill each other,” Tsunade had said first, as if that were most important restriction. “Taijutsu only. Stay within the boundary lines.” She had passed a narrow slit of her eyes between them. “Why do you look like you have a question, Naruto?”

“What happens if we break the rules?”

“You could be content to have your little spar in absence of that knowledge,” said Tsunade. “Or you could just _not_ , and save the groundspeople the trouble of returfing.”

Across the field, Sasuke was stretching his arms, and his eyes were closed, He looked relaxed. The sun hit his face and coloured it a bright cream. As Sasuke’s eyes came open and descended on his, Naruto felt—

_Idiot! That’s exactly what he wants you to feel._

_Be smart. This is Sasuke, after all. Look again._

These were the kind of tricks employed on him in the past to make lower his guard. If he wasn’t careful, if he miscalculated the power in Sasuke’s muscles or the intensity behind the affected boredom—

_I’ll get you. I’ve already got you. I know everything about you._

Naruto grinned and crouched into position in time with Sasuke and then—

—launched at Sasuke with a force that sang in his ears—fist to his face, blow to his stomach—

When the dust finally cleared, Naruto could see the ground chewed up all the way to where Sasuke had crashed—

_Wow. That was kind of—quick._

“What the fuck was that for?” Sasuke dragged himself to his feet. He held a hand to his cheek. “I haven’t trained in over seven months, you moron! You want to go a little easy on me, huh?”

“ _What—?_ ” Naruto held his defensive pose, his fists clasped tight. The dust and dirt fell out of Sasuke’s clothes when he brushed them and turned on Naruto with a critical glare in his eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong with _you?_ We’re supposed to be fighting—”

Sasuke was in his face so fast, Naruto couldn’t breathe—smacked to the ground with Sasuke’s hand ramming his head into the dirt, mouth to his ear before Naruto could _think_ to block—

“You think I’m going to fight for real with everyone here?” Sasuke whispered. “You’re so stupid. This is a kind of probation and if they realize how _brilliant_ I am and how _useless_ you are…”

Sasuke sat back with a knowing smile and punched Naruto in the chest with the full force of his shoulder behind it.

“ _ **Fuck** —_” Naruto gasped, “—get off!—that _hurt_ , you bastard—”

It was too easy to roll and kick Sasuke away. Sasuke skidded on his back in the dirt and jumped up.

_So what—you’re not going to fight back, is that what you’re saying?_

Naruto didn’t know. And then all the evil in the world smiled alongside him.

_As long as I don’t **kill** you—_

Sasuke put up a weak block that Naruto broke through right away, spinning around after his fist collided with Sasuke’s stupid mouth to kick him back across the field where more grass got redistributed. Naruto cut the air to catch up, grinning to match _just how good it felt_ when all of his hits were breaking through and Sasuke just had to _take it_. Naruto didn’t care that it was one great big sham because— _fucking deserve all of this and more for what you_ — there was a lot of pent-up tension pulsing through his hands and if this were his only chance in life to freely and effortlessly _beat the shit out of him_ —

“Fuck you, Naruto,” Sasuke growled out in a moment of control, pinning Naruto to the ground again. Sasuke’s face was close enough that Naruto could see the split at his hairline where the blood was oozing out. “Didn’t you understand what I said? _Stop_ hitting me so hard.”

Naruto gleefully watched Sasuke’s face contort when he didn’t guard his side again. “Are you kidding? Because I’m having way too much fun to care about you and your stupid pride—” Naruto did it again. Sasuke caught it, stapled Naruto’s wrist to the ground and in nothing above a whisper, he said, “I’m warning you. You can keep doing this but I’ll get you back later.”

Naruto shoved Sasuke back with his other hand, all humour of a smile disappearing.

“No,” said Naruto. “Don’t talk to me like that ever again. I don’t like it.”

Naruto backhanded Sasuke across the face, twisted his palm around, and pushed Sasuke’s head into grass beside him. Sasuke grunted with pain, his expression blurred and wiped of its crafty smile when Naruto grabbed his cheeks, pulled him close, and held him into the kiss.

It didn’t matter how long it lasted or how long it took Sasuke to jolt back because no one had seen it, blocked by the angle of their bodies. Naruto drew his legs up and sprung a kick at Sasuke that propelled enough force to have him rolling through the dirt while Naruto jumped to his feet, catching Sasuke again and yanking him up into a kiss where everyone was able to see it.

Naruto tensed the muscles in his stomach to block the knee that rammed it but it was a palm smushed to his cheek that finally forced their mouths to break apart. He let go altogether. Sasuke dropped into a heap on the ground so Naruto just picked him up and kissed him again.

This time Sasuke pressed his hands to Naruto’s face and kept them there. “What are you doing?”

“Seemed better than your stupid idea.”

“Well it’s _not._ You punched me in the mouth, remember? It _hurts_ —”

Naruto released his grip on Sasuke’s clothes and lunged forward, his strike barred by the barricade of Sasuke’s forearms. Naruto ducked to dodge the retaliating uppercut and would have tripped Sasuke had he not jumped to avoid it. Naruto angled his upper body towards the ground and struck out with the full force of his leg. 

It landed. Sasuke careened to another side of the field again. He bounced once, skidded along the wet grass, and finally resigned his bludgeoned limbs where the heavens deigned to place them.

“Okay, okay, I get it.” Sasuke squinted into the sunlight. Naruto stood over him. “You’ve made your point.”

“I did, did I?” Naruto nudged his foot at Sasuke’s side. Sasuke let the resistance in his muscles sap and drain, rolling onto his back. “What do you think my point was?”

Sasuke held Naruto’s stare. “You win.”

Hearing Sasuke concede defeat without an ounce of sincerity sent a spike of heat into Naruto’s cheeks. He swept his gaze over the smudges of dirt and blood on Sasuke’s forehead, down Sasuke’s black shirt and trousers. There were patches of red on his skin, though whether Sasuke was burned from the sun or scraped by rocks, or both, it was difficult to tell. 

“How’s your mouth now?”

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

“You said you won’t fight back. So let’s win this without hitting each other.”

“Huh?” Sasuke frowned. Slowly, he curled, shifted his arms, a defensive position half formed, in case he needed it. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.”

Naruto could not help the grin that pulled at his mouth, until Sasuke snapped out a lightning flick of his fingers around Naruto’s ankle, stealing his centre of gravity with an echoed thud of his lungs when he hit ground beside him.

Sasuke’s hair was soft. It poured through Naruto’s fingers when instincts tried to rescue him from Sasuke’s dive at his throat. Calculating the entire breadth of his attack in the space of two heartbeats like his clan would have applauded him for, Sasuke latched his arms and legs around as much of Naruto as he could, disabling all but the most useless of shoves against his body while he latched his mouth to Naruto’s neck and sucked.

Naruto hollered across the field. “ _I thought you said your mouth still hurt!_ ”

Sasuke was a heavy substance and hard to move. Naruto tried to roll, scramble, scrabbling at dewy grass while biting off short ribbons of punctuated obscenities. Sasuke wound his hold tighter and, satisfied with the masterpiece of his mouth and lungs on one spot, moved on to a second.

Naruto need a new strategy, immediately, and any idea was starting to look like disguised brilliance. Sasuke had both Naruto’s arms bound to the side of his body. Rather than exhaust himself on futile attacks to everything above the waist— _if you wanna fight dirty then_ —Naruto thrust a hand into Sasuke’s pants and grabbed back the advantage.

From the sidelines, Kakashi lazily watched his former students with folded arms. Maybe it was just the influence of reading too much _Icha Icha Paradise_ , but this had to be the most sexual scuffle he had never asked to witness.

He glanced to his side, wondering how enjoyable he could possibly make Sakura and Sai’s discomfort if he said, “You didn’t tell me that Naruto and Sasuke were sleeping with each other.”

Sakura flinched to complement the betrayal of her eyes and Kakashi was thankful for the mask covering his amusement.

Sai looked over, smiling.

“Are Naruto and Sasuke sleeping with each other?”

Under that much attention, Sakura’s face exploded with flustered color. “They might be…”

“Wait a while before you go back to the apartment,” said Kakashi. “Sai, take Sakura out somewhere nice for lunch.”

“Hmm, why?”

Kakashi didn’t answer. When Sakura looked back, he was already gone.

“Why, Sakura?”

\--

Sasuke followed, bruised and shuffling unsteadily, behind Naruto who kept the pace slow for him. Neither had said a word to the other since the fight. Now they were almost home. Naruto let his head stream through layers of analysis everything he had seen in between their talk at the valleys and the fight on the field. Nervous cracks formed in his confidence that he had to consciously and constantly patch up and pad over. There was no more room for doubt. This was it.

_Breathe. Believe. One way or the other, it’s about to end and that’s a good thing._

_I know everything about you. We can get through this together. Just trust me if you can’t trust yourself._

They climbed the stairs. Naruto keyed open the door.

As the doorsill passed under the first of his feet, Naruto wondered whether it would show too much suspicion if he turned around with his hands raised in preparation for an oncoming attack. Whether it would be a terrible start to their second chance at getting things right by expecting violence. What it might do to the perforations in Sasuke’s self-esteem for Naruto to so openly display distrust.

The second of his feet passed over the doorsill. Naruto weighed the consequences.

_Even if you do hit me, it’s not like I can’t take it._

_But I **want** to show you that I can trust you and I want you to **see** that I do._

“Well,” said Sasuke. The door clicked closed. “You won.”

Naruto turned. Sasuke was neither preparing an attack nor approaching to deliver one. He was indulging a casual lean against the door, hands in his pockets, smiling in that quiet, unnerving way he sometimes did.

“I did,” said Naruto. “What do I get for winning?”

Sasuke dropped his head back at an angle so that his hair hung like a downpour across one cheek. Naruto took this in. Sasuke lowered and raised his eyes to Naruto’s.

Sasuke said, “Come here.”

Naruto stopped two steps between them. It was close enough that he could see the subtle movements of Sasuke’s eyes, still far enough away not to be assuming.

The pink tip of Sasuke’s tongue came out, touching his top lip. Sasuke diverted his gaze at the floor. When he looked up again, there were blossomed roses in his cheeks. “Look, just—” Sasuke ran his lip between his teeth. “Come here.”

Naruto would waste days reliving this, and he wanted to do it the justice it deserved, but Uchiha Sasuke was rearranging his legs so that he could stand between them and his mind evacuated. Pitter-patter tingles shot from every one of the ten points of Sasuke’s fingers, settled on either side of his waist.

“How’s your mouth?” said Naruto.

“It’s okay.” Sasuke gave a test of his tongue along his upper and lower teeth. “If you don’t press too hard on it.”

Naruto didn’t ask about any of the other grazes and cuts and opal pools of discolored skin but he did pull pieces of grass out of Sasuke’s hair, sifting strands through his fingers. Some sense told Naruto he needed to remember this: what it felt like to see his own reflection in starlit eyes.

Naruto put pressure on Sasuke’s neck, and Sasuke followed.

It wouldn’t be like their first time, banged together like some hideous, celestial joke with a ring of peers screaming in their ears. Or like their second time, still slapped together but now wet under a waterfall with an elastic ball gluing their palms in place. Or like their third time, the worst time, when Sasuke had equated that touch with Naruto’s life and demanded reparations through his fist. Or like their fourth, fifth and sixth times, inside a circle of silent spectators judging Naruto’s awful aim and the protests of Sasuke’s swollen gums.

“Naruto,” Sasuke whispered, and warm air dizzied over Naruto’s mouth. “Do I devastate you?”

Sasuke was still smiling in that quiet, unnerving way he sometimes did. Naruto heard the words at first with a strange sense of disassociation, like his imagination had conjured them up as some kind of foul, untimely joke.

“I—” dropped from Sasuke’s mouth with a little laugh, “wondered for the longest time why you just _kept_ letting me fuck you.”

A chill shook Naruto from somewhere so deep in his chest, his vision blurred with it. He jerked back. Sasuke watched, with widening eyes, the reactions that Naruto knew betrayed him, further disowned him of the few advantages he had had.

Sasuke said, with all the calmness of a week spent rehearsing it, “At first I thought you were just an idiot, or you didn’t get it. But then—” He laughed again. “I realised—”

“I don’t hate you.”

“that you—”

“You can’t make me hate you with this.” Naruto raised his voice over Sasuke’s. “You just can’t. You can’t make me hate you.”

“I’m an Uchiha. I can do anything I want.” In the same even tone, “I can make _you_ do anything I want.”

“No, you can’t. Not anymore. I’m not going to let you trick me anymore.”

“Did you think,” Sasuke tittered, “that I would stay if you let me fuck you? Did you really believe I was staying for you?” Sasuke gave a short breath of laughter. “Your ego is the worst thing about you. You’re not even that good a fuck.”

The words cluttered Naruto’s mouth. “I don’t care what you say.” 

“I bet you had fun imagining it would work. But I can leave any time I like. The village won’t go after me. They don’t even want me. They would open the gates for me on my way out.”

Sasuke took a step forward, and another. Naruto backed into the hollow of the kitchen, herded like livestock. Sasuke kept coming. The room didn’t have enough air.

“Stop it, Sasuke.” 

“I don’t think I will.” 

“I don’t want to do this with you.”

“ _I’m not asking you to do anything._ ” Sasuke fluttered his eyelashes. He dropped his voice again. “You know what the funniest thing of all was?” Sasuke licked the spit off his lips. “Giving you a scrap of hope and watching you fall for it.”

“Sasuke.” The word had a bruise. “I don’t want to do this with you.”

Sasuke fluttered his eyelashes again, but the specks of exhilaration that had clouded his gaze remained. He clenched and unclenched his fists.

Sasuke said, “Fight me.”

“I don’t want to fight you.”

“Fight me,” said Sasuke, “like you were so eager to on the field.”

“I’m not going to fight you.”

“You will. Don’t say you won’t. You have no idea what you’re capable of. You have already done unimaginable things.”

Naruto’s back hit the kitchen counter. He held on to its rounded edges. Sasuke’s blows were precise, meant to wind. They were not physical, and Naruto had known they wouldn’t be, in that moment of dread he had once wondered and skimmed over, discarded in pitiable folly.

Sasuke leaned forward and set his hands next to Naruto’s. Naruto leaned back, turned his head. There were places where they touched. “Listen to me, Naruto. This started a long time ago. We’re already at the end. There’s nothing that can be done about it. You can fight me now or later, but we will fight. It will just hurt to draw it out.” 

“But we don’t have to fight.” 

“I want to fight.” Sasuke enunciated each word clearly. “I can make you fight.” 

“No, you can’t—”

“You’re not listening to me.” Sasuke fisted the hair at Naruto’s nape. “I know you’re not as smart as the rest so let me tell you what happened. I told you nothing consequential, while you told me everything I needed to know to tear you apart. And I will do it. I have been waiting for it.” 

A fist ground into the soft, unguarded part of his stomach. Naruto buckled over Sasuke’s shoulder. Sasuke dragged his head back.

Sasuke said, “The future Hokage. Which part of that dream requires you to spread for the enemy?” Louder, “Which part of that dream made you bend over for me on the bathroom floor?”

“Stop.”

“Is this what your parents sacrificed themselves for? How are you going to face them and explain to them why you did nothing but soil their legacy?”

Sasuke leaned into him, and Naruto closed his eyes. The smell of him, the dirt clinging to his skin mixed with a layer of sweat and blood, the pressure, like the jaws of a bear-trap, the warmth that overrode all of it—

Sasuke’s voice was a murmur in Naruto’s ear. “What if…” He flattened his hand to Naruto’s stomach, fingers turning down. “I wanted to fuck you one last time?” Softer, “Would you resist me?”

Sasuke skimmed his down Naruto’s abdomen, and his laughter came out as a stuttered puff against Naruto’s ear, feeling the jolt.

The tips of Sasuke’s fingers pressed under the waistband, and, with gentle care, Naruto took Sasuke by the wrist and separated Sasuke’s hand from his skin. Naruto held on, though not with the stranglehold force of someone trying to tame a wild animal. The fever in Sasuke’s eyes faded. Sasuke watched, like he was tempted by what Naruto meant to do, like he was allowing this diversion of his own curious whim.

“I didn't think you had it in you,” said Sasuke. “But if I can’t fuck you, I’ll put my fist through you.”

Naruto slipped two fingers into Sasuke’s, and Sasuke ripped his hand away.

“ _Get on your knees._ ”

“No.”

“Don’t pretend like you don’t want to!”

“I’m not.” Naruto’s whole body reformed around Sasuke’s fist. He took each hit as if schooled by patience, and bowed his head into Sasuke’s shoulder. He said, “That’s why I asked you out, isn’t it? So we could do those kinds of things together.”

“ _I hate you,_ ” Sasuke gasped. He lurched back. “I hate everything about you.” He shook his head. “No. I don’t hate you. I don’t feel anything for you at all. I feel _nothing_ for you. You—” Sasuke closed his eyes as he spoke the calm, unflinching words. “You were just a hole I felt like jamming my dick in for a little while.”

“That’s okay. You’re still the most important person in my life.”

“ _End this._ ” A grunt tore from Sasuke’s mouth as he shoved. The cupboards banged behind Naruto’s legs. “I lied to you. I lied about everything. I had to make you stay. So what if I had to rehash my past? It worked, didn’t it! You’re here, aren’t you? I tricked you. I told you exactly what you needed to hear to bring you back. You’re fucking stupid, Naruto, the stupidest person I’ve ever met. _You don’t mean anything to me_.”

“I’m not going to fight you.”

“I don’t have time for your idiocy!” Sasuke staggered, heaving a breath. He stared wide-eyed at the floor. “I’m going to slaughter everyone in this village, starting with you. And you’re going to let me,” he said it softly repressed, “like you always do.”

Sasuke brought his hands before his chest, and a low, giddy laugh rushed from his mouth as his fingers pounded through signs. Naruto recognised the sequence. He was summoning basic chidori. Naruto followed the trajectory of Sasuke’s blackened stare to the place where Sasuke was going gut the rest of his heart out.

Naruto thought of Sakura and all that he had promised her. He thought of the things he had said to the forgery that looked like her, the things he had thought in the interim. He thought of the last time this had happened, and the crunching sound his bones had made, like the bite out of an apple.

Naruto kept his hands, wrung dry, hanging at his sides.

“Fight me!”

Shrieking electricity exploded into Naruto’s ears. Sasuke stretched his arm back. His fingers came together like a spear.

Then Sasuke was upon him. For the second of life that the attack lasted, Naruto registered three things.

Before impact, the static line of blue light peeled back from Sasuke’s fingertips, across his knuckles, and up his wrist. It was like an invisible barrier existed in the space where Naruto’s body heat cooled to meet temperate air, and all chakra within it was reduced to null.

Sasuke was not aiming for Naruto’s chest. 

Sasuke’s fingers curled, like thin metal against stone, into the palms of Naruto’s hands, and the rest of Sasuke’s body, under the influence of inertia, crumpled into Naruto’s chest. Naruto caught him, held him—Naruto gasped, “ _You don’t want to kill me at all, do you—_ ”

Sasuke pushed back. His lungs heaved as they might after intense exercise or crying.

A colossal shove hurled Sasuke against the door, the latches smashing their locks; a second time, when Naruto slammed against him. Naruto put a hard hand to Sasuke’s jaw to restrain him. The skin gouged white. 

Naruto said, “Uchiha Sasuke, you need to settle down right now and listen to me.”

“Fight—!”

“ _ **Shut the fuck up and listen to me**_ ,” Naruto said, loud enough to rattle Sasuke’s bones. “I’m so sick of your constant bullshit. _I don’t want to do this with you again._ ”

Sasuke ground the ball of his palm into the crotch of Naruto’s pants. Thick anger rose, the kind that could summon a demon, and fell, under control of his will. Naruto snatched the front of Sasuke’s shirt and pulled him off the door, threw Sasuke to the floor. He went down with him.

The impact choked a gasp from Sasuke, who then tried to fill his open mouth with words.

“You want to kill me? You didn’t even turn your goddamn sharingan on!” Naruto heard the escalation in his voice. He fought it. “You’re an idiot. You’re a mess. I don’t think you have any idea what you’re even doing. You’ve used your life within an inch of destroying it and now I can’t trust you with it. Give it to me.”

Sasuke froze.

“ _Give me your life._ I’ll take care of you. I’ll give you another chance. And if you screw it up, I’ll give you another one. And if you screw that up too, I’ll just give you another one! But trust me. Listen to me. Do what I say from now on. Let go and let me heal you.”

Veins strained in Sasuke’s neck. He struggled, shoving against Naruto’s hands. Naruto bore his knee down harder to keep him pinned. 

Low, and with the effort of obstructed breath, Sasuke said, “You don’t know what you’re doing—”

“I know what I’m doing.”

“I’ll make you regret it—”

“I bet you won’t.”

“ _You’ll_ regret it—”

“I bet I won’t.”

_“You can’t fix me.”_

“ _ **You’re not broken**_ , you stupid piece of shit!” Naruto grabbed Sasuke’s cheeks and forced Sasuke’s eyes to his own. “You’re perfect. You were perfect before. You’re still perfect now. And you’ll be okay with me. So let go, and give in. I’ll do everything. Okay?”

“No.” It stripped Sasuke’s face, where something raw existed. “You’re trying to trick me.” Sasuke smiled; it trembled. His eyes were huge and unfixed. “You’re supposed to kill me.” 

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“You can’t change me.”

“ _I don’t want you to change._ Man, you’re dumb. I like you just the way you are. Besides, hate to break it to you but your shitty personality was set in stone the moment you were born. Not even the gods can change you now.”

Pale fingers snatched Naruto’s shirt, pulling, until Sasuke could wrench his chin out of the hold and use his mouth. But Naruto was ready. He planted his palms before the strike could land. 

“I don’t think so.” Naruto braced on his elbows, staring down. They were close. “I’ll kiss you, but you need to ask me first.”

Naruto watched Sasuke react to those words. He dodged the second attack, narrowly: a slice of Sasuke’s fist, whizzing by his ear. 

The third landed. Pain erupted through Naruto’s jaw. He experienced a moment of black disorientation, and then he was violently winded.

Naruto staggered upright on his haunches. Instincts skirted the blade of Sasuke’s foot. Instincts grabbed it.

“God, you’re a shit—”

He was losing leverage. By now, Sasuke had his hands planted on the floor behind him, and he was rising. A second opportunity would not come again easily. If he acted, he had to act decisively.

Naruto threw Sasuke’s foot to the side, disrupting Sasuke’s centre of balance. But Sasuke was a ninja, and he had his own mechanics that would kick in unconsciously. Naruto dived, and Sasuke went down on his back, his movements hindered by the weight on top of him.

Closer, there were new challenges. Naruto heard the snapping of teeth too close to his cheeks. He didn’t register the hands under his shirt until bright lines of pain raked down his back.

Naruto did not have enough hands to deal with everything. He chose selectively, as best he could, his mind split between tasks. He pushed Sasuke’s face away. He shoved his own vulnerable eyes in the folds of Sasuke’s shirt where he inhaled sweat and crushed grass. Fingernails scratched at his ribs this time, which Naruto endured, as his free hand reached underneath and wrenched Sasuke’s pants halfway down his thighs.

The effect was instantaneous. Sasuke stopped as abruptly as if he had hit the surface of the earth.

_I’ve thought about this._

He was going to do this. Naruto pulled his own pants down, threw Sasuke’s to the side. He fumbled at the cupboards. One-handed, oil spilled between his fingers. He put his hand between Sasuke’s legs.

_I know what to do._

Sasuke’s hands slid off Naruto’s back to the floor, his legs dropped lax against Naruto’s own. Over his rough breathing, Sasuke hadn’t made a sound, even at the breach.

Naruto watched. He felt the first stirrings of doubt colour an expanding nervousness.

He pushed it aside. Sasuke’s eyes were glazed, disconnected. His blinks were deliberate, timed by interval and duration, as if he were anchoring himself to this one, small action.

“I didn’t want to do it like this, you know,” said Naruto. His jaw throbbed as he spoke. “But you always resort to this. Why is this the only thing you listen to?”

Sasuke said, “Shut up and fuck me.”

So this was how it would be: rough, over a distance that made Naruto feel removed, when all he wanted to do was take Sasuke to bed and do to him even a fraction of what he saw in glimpses of couples on the street. He wanted the kind of softness he knew neither of them were ready for, and still longed for it anyway.

He understood it might not happen how he wanted, how he imagined. He had planned for it.

Naruto pressed his fingers in a different way, and Sasuke’s chest suspended; he blinked longer.

Then Naruto watched as something in Sasuke’s mind superseded control, and Sasuke was once again as blank and unresponsive as carved stone.

His jaw ached. He relaxed it. His heart pounded in his chest. The thought took on a new shape, became real: he was going to fuck Sasuke, and he had to do it fast. Naruto ran a hand over himself, aligned himself with the place where they were meant to join. Sasuke’s throat bobbed. A muscle moved in his jaw, clenching.

Naruto said it at the only moment he knew Sasuke would not respond. “You think I’m going to do to you what you did to me.” He felt it, and pushed through. “Why should I?”

Naruto gave in to the various, little alerts waiting to splinter his head then: the heat; the slide of oil; the pressure; the simultaneous shift and response from Sasuke; the cycle of clarity and suppression.

Naruto curled over. Knees planted and his hands weaving under Sasuke to hold him, the movements felt more fluid. Naruto moved with short, shallow thrusts. Flashes of sudden fever began to blind him, and he pushed until there was no further to go, even though he tried, pulling out and pushing in, slowly, just to feel it, again, and again.

Sasuke’s hands were warm on Naruto’s arms, and his grip tightened as the pace quickened, harder and more determined. Naruto tried to maintain some level of focus through the gasping, panting, pounding that blurred it.

Sasuke flung his face to the side. His lips parted, and a punctured hiss propelled his head again, back this time. Naruto pressed his mouth to the space it left. He felt the vibrations of his own voice.

Sasuke’s breaths were fast and shallow. He held onto fistfuls of Naruto’s shirt to keep steady while the rest of his body surpassed his control and his chest curved into Naruto’s.

The sensation of being inside Sasuke when he hit his release was too much. Naruto pulled out. He shredded himself down his fist and came on the floor between them.

Naruto shook to clear the daze out of his eyes. Sasuke was a flare of soundless limbs in front of him, heaving, tense like he was trying to stifle it.

Naruto swallowed. He conducted a quick scan of Sasuke’s form. He said between breaths, “Can we talk now?” 

Sasuke moved then. He pulled up his pants and dragged back, approaching upright.

“Just couldn’t help yourself, could you.” Sasuke cleared his throat. “You’ve been waiting to fuck me. Everyone wants to. You’re not new. You’re not even special. You’re not even _surprising_.” Sasuke looked up when Naruto didn’t speak. His cheeks were branded. “You should have done it sooner.” He fluttered his eyelashes at some averted place. “You should—” Sasuke frowned. “Now that you—got what you wanted—”

Naruto stood and pulled his pants up.

“Where are you going?” said Sasuke.

“To shower.”

Sasuke bolted to his feet and juggled his footing. “Why do you get to go first?”

“When I get out, we can—”

The soft stick of a single footstep was all the warning he got. Naruto collected the majority of the strike against his forearm, twisting, and pushed Sasuke backwards over the kitchen countertop.

Sasuke lay with his legs dangling. Naruto dragged him far enough off the bench to ensure Sasuke’s shinobi mind preoccupied with grapples for balance, and applied to Sasuke’s absent lips, for a second that Naruto cauterized to memory, one part of the kind of kiss he really wanted to give him. He felt warm lips against his own, hot skin cradled between his hands. He got greedy. He wanted more. He offered his tongue.

A hammered kick to the plane of Naruto’s chest sent him crashing through the dining room table, cracking in half at the centre like a twig underfoot.

Sasuke slapped the oil streaking his cheek. “Disgusting.”

Naruto floundered, surrounded by wreckage. “We just broke the table.”

“ _You_ just broke the table.”

The bathroom door gusted shut. Naruto sat in the quiet. Soon after, water rushed through the pipes. He looked at the table, tried to fix it, but his earnest attempts resulted in an assault of chipboard splinters across the floor each time the two halves fell. He could neither mask nor hide this.

While he worked, he thought. But the table just would not mend.

Naruto retreated to one of the chairs. His palm caught his forehead, eyes closed, and sighed hard out his mouth. In a parallel dimension, he might be dead. He thought. He tried to put together the present and formulate even the skeleton outline of a strategy

The water shut off. Sasuke exited the bathroom. His gaze pitched straight ahead.

“Are you going to help me with this?” Naruto gestured at the broken wood.

Sasuke walked down the hall to his room. Naruto tilted his head curiously and stared into the dark space, dust particles sparkling in the light.

And wondered, if it were honestly possible.

Naruto got up. He traced, unmasked footsteps meant to be heard.

He walked in through Sasuke’s open door.

\--

Sasuke was still in a towel, lying on his bed on his side facing the window when Naruto walked in. He didn’t move or say anything. Naruto sat on the edge of the bed, giving Sasuke time to decide whether he still liked the intrusion or not, but now that he was closer, he realised why Sasuke was lying like that.

“Does it hurt?”

”Does what hurt?” Sasuke turned and glared. Naruto stared at his back, bright with the scrapes of the earth and the friction of the kitchen floor. “It’ll heal.”

“I’ll go get some ointment and bandages.”

Naruto found the medical supplies. After dabbing the ointment on Sasuke’s skin, which Sasuke tolerated quietly, he let Sasuke sit up and wind the bandages to a comfortable pressure around his chest. Sasuke then took to his arms and legs with the ointment and bandages, and Naruto helped with the scratches on his face.

Naruto’s touches were impersonal. He applied the first bandaid strip and then a second and a third—and a fourth and a fifth—and a sixth and seventh and—

“Do I really need this many?”

“Yeah. Your face is pretty banged up.” Naruto sealed Sasuke’s mouth closed with one across his lips. Sasuke ripped it off.

“I knew it. You’re so full of shit.”

“Don’t take all of them off. You actually need some of them.”

Sasuke pulled all the bandaids off and leaned over the bed, flicking them in the wastepaper basket.

“Are you done? Because if you are, the door’s right there.” Sasuke’s glare lasted until he turned away again, lying on his side. Naruto stayed. Sasuke had many ways to make him leave and that was the weakest.

“What do you want to do now?” asked Naruto.

“What does it look like?”

Sasuke whipped his face around the second his skin came in contact with Naruto, who was getting comfortable in the sheets beside him.

“I meant I’m going to sleep—!”

“Great. So am I.”

Sasuke twisted his whole body to face him, flared and agitated, and Naruto grabbed the half-hearted hand aimed at his chest intending to push him off the bed and used it as leverage to smack his mouth on Sasuke’s, just once, with enough pressure that Sasuke knew he was serious.

“Don’t tell me to leave.”

Sasuke glared. Then he huffed, crossed his arms, and closed his eyes. Naruto had a little smile to give his antics because for all the feigned anger in his face, Sasuke still kind of looked like he was pleased that he had stayed. Naruto relaxed against the pillow they shared.

Naruto fell asleep first. Sasuke eventually stopped staring long enough to follow.

\--

Sasuke woke with clarity later in the afternoon. In the warm moments when his brain was still coming back to him, when the tree leaves danced to the beat of the breeze outside his window and his alarm clock diligently counted the seconds, he realised that waking up next to Naruto like this was something he had almost never allowed himself to think about even in daydreams.

Unbidden, it rose. _You promised to take care of me._

Sasuke jolted into consciousness. Naruto stirred, sighing heavily, and deliberated whether to wake up or go back to sleep had the light in the room not kept him from further rest. Sasuke watched Naruto’s eyes slide open, giving him a drowsy, just-woken look, staring until his vision focused, and then closed his eyes again. That was the face of someone who had kissed him before he fell asleep.

“What time is it?” Naruto murmured. Sasuke didn’t answer. Naruto’s eyes opened again, yawning and breathing out, and then rolled over to check the clock. “Only half an hour? Argh. I wanted to sleep longer.”

Naruto rolled back and Sasuke, startled, stared at Naruto staring back at him. His face betrayed the sweetest pink, this kind of intimacy unfamiliar and beyond his ability to regulate, like when Naruto tested the limits of his patience by brushing his arm maybe accidentally, touching his shoulder, his neck, his jaw, using the opportunity while his hand was already there to lean forward and kiss him again.

Sasuke closed his eyes, which was about the worst thing he could do because now Naruto wouldn’t stop at just once like he had before.

“What do you want to do now?” asked Naruto.

Sasuke waited a long time not answering.

“I know a game we could play,” said Naruto.

“A game?”

“Yeah. Hold out your hand.”

“What’s the game?” Sasuke slit his eyes suspiciously.

“Just hold out your hand.”

“No.”

“Come on, just hold out your hand, would you?”

“Why?”

“It’s just how you play the game.”

“You’re going to do something to it.”

“I’m not.”

“I already know you will.”

“Look, I can’t even do anything to your hand. See? I don’t have anything.”

Sasuke was not convinced but he was persuaded. “Fine. But I’m turning my sharingan on.”

“Ah, forget it. I’m over it. Play with yourself.”

Naruto rolled off the bed, which triggered a wave of panic in Sasuke and made him sit up, tentative, holding out his hand, which Naruto only stared at unfazed. Sasuke held his hand out further to demonstrate his willingness to play—

“Rock, scissors, paper.”

—and looked down astounded at the game he had just lost. Naruto turned his scissors around and held his fingers up to his face in victory.

“Cool. Looks like I’m on top again.”

“ _What—_ ”

Naruto needed to apply only a little force to Sasuke’s chest to make him lie back down.

“Do you want to do it again?” said Naruto.

“Can _you_ even do it again?”

Sasuke had only meant to tease but Naruto told him more than he probably needed to know.

“I have a fox inside me. You know how fast I recover after a fight? Basically that.”

Naruto was looking at him in a way that Sasuke had never seen him do before—but then Naruto looked down and Sasuke did too, at Naruto’s hands on his knees, curiously, which then ran up the inside of his thighs where the skin got softer and parted Sasuke’s legs—

Sasuke didn’t know how his lips had stayed together long enough to contain the wholly potent feeling that rushed up the centre of his chest. Naruto pocketed the shock and lay down in between, heavy on Sasuke’s stomach, and kissed him on the mouth again—and Sasuke realized, maybe naively late, that this was starting to feel very different.

Sasuke had never concerned himself about Naruto’s clothes. As long as they weren’t in the way, they were as good as gone. He had no idea, when Naruto dropped his clothes on the floor and a warm hand reached under Sasuke and pulled the towel off as well, what it felt like to be completely naked under another person.

Naruto started down a line of kisses from his throat, and Sasuke knew exactly what Naruto was planning to do the second he felt Naruto’s mouth on his stomach.

“Hey, Sasuke,” Naruto murmured to his skin. “Can I try using my mouth?”

Sasuke was both horrified and exhilarated at the thought of coming in Naruto’s mouth but—

“Do you know what you’re doing?”

“Nope.”

—he hadn’t begun to think about whether he was ready to accept something so selfless that it would mean he could never, ever again pretend there was any way to go back. “Hang on, just—”

Naruto paused and looked up. Sasuke stopped his head from spinning for just a moment to really consider what he was saying when immediate regret flooded his bloodstream. He glared at Naruto when his chest felt too thin and anxious to do anything else and Naruto shot the heat right back at him.

“You said ‘hang on’ so I’m hanging on. Be kind of a shitty thing to do if I didn’t, don’t you think?”

That was all for him. Sasuke pointed his face at the ceiling. Naruto, rightfully, could have said a lot worse and, kindly, had not, but now the mood had shattered and Naruto was working his way back up his chest—until Sasuke put his hands out to block his path and pushed Naruto’s face back down between his legs.

It was true: Naruto didn’t know what he was doing, but when Sasuke wouldn’t look, his other senses magnified to fill in the effects of what warm hands and a wet mouth were doing to him. At some point, Naruto stopped to reach for the baby oil in the medical supplies box. Whereas the first time, Sasuke had only been hot all over, this time when Naruto used his mouth and his fingers and the oil, his consciousness outgrew the confines of his body.

Sasuke held it. He breathed deeper to slow it, inaudibly, so that Naruto wouldn’t get curious and open his eyes to see the conflict roulette between—

_What do you want me to do?—Do you want me to?—I don’t know what to do but I don’t want to tell you to stop just—_

“How was that?”

Sasuke used the fleeting few moments just before the silence took over to strip the gratification out of his voice.

“Terrible,” said Sasuke.

Naruto hummed, unaffected. “Guess I need more practice. Can I do it again later?”

Naruto had the gall to lick his lips. He stared down with a knowing smile when Sasuke wouldn’t look at him.

Sasuke was not yet ready to reciprocate. Naruto knew that too. He didn’t ask questions or say anything else and instead just rolled Sasuke on his side. Sasuke had almost been too nervous the last time to really remember what it had felt like, and after Naruto pulled one of his legs up to his chest and moved in close, he was absolutely determined— _this moment_ —jaw dropping and giving in—

Sasuke felt his waist bend, accommodating, giving Naruto enough space to lean down and make him feel full and stretched and aware and watched.

Naruto watched the blood rise in Sasuke’s cheeks. He watched Sasuke’s eyes flutter closed on their own, and Sasuke’s mouth when it didn’t stay shut. He watched the shifts of muscles in Sasuke’s shoulders when Sasuke turned from the scrutiny and into the pillow, changing the angle, which allowed Naruto to get that much—

Sasuke put his teeth down on a sound that almost vibrated from a breath to something else, masking the rest of it in the pillow, but the pillow was quick to disappear with a sudden wrench out from under him, tossed across to the other side of the room.

_This—_

This was starting to feel a lot different. There was nowhere else to hide now, no distractions, and the reverberations all through his groin each time Naruto’s hips came down on his were starting to convince Sasuke he might not be able to endure it that much longer. Then one of Naruto’s warm hands reached down to wrap around him and Sasuke lost all space to be rational. He was going to lose it.

_This is so much—_

Except Naruto slowed down unexpectedly. Sasuke was a wreck. He could feel his orgasm just out of reach and waning, controlled under Naruto who was deliberately moving too slow, like far too slow, like so slow it pulled Sasuke out of his haze and taught him how to use his mouth again.

“Would you stop fucking around?” Sasuke snapped.

“I’m not. I’m trying to beat your record. I think it was forty seconds.”

“I swear to god you have no idea what you’re even doing—” the end reworded as a gasp when Naruto put in distinctly more force. Sasuke needed reminding that he was in no position to be acting so insolent.

“I know what I’m doing.”

Sasuke scrambled to gather together enough sensation to end it but he just couldn’t.

“Hurry up—”

“Sasuke.” Naruto’s warning was low and bold. Sasuke shut up after that, his own arguments meant Naruto now knew what the sound of his name on Naruto’s tongue did to him. Sasuke closed his eyes and tried very hard to concentrate and compensate by shutting down every other reaction. “ _Sasuke._ ”

“Stop that—”

Sasuke’s twisting disrupted the rhythm. Naruto found that the only way to keep him pinned was to press all of his weight on Sasuke’s shoulders and sink him into the mattress, trapping at least one of Sasuke’s arms under him and taking all of his power away—

Sasuke’s face went bright with the feeling he had just realized something he wasn’t yet ready to know. This position put Naruto’s mouth right behind his ear, and slowly, steadily, when Naruto’s hips and thighs started to flex over him a little harder, all of the warm and satisfied sighs Sasuke couldn’t hear before made him tremble with an urge he couldn’t alleviate.

Sasuke breathed in helplessly, in and out, clenched his fists and tried to hold it. His expression blurred between uneasiness and unbearable relief as his muscles fluttered and the warmth just didn’t go away. Naruto wasn’t holding back anymore, pounding their hips together until it was only lust and single-minded determination that remained, all of the sounds that meant this felt as good to Naruto as it did to him—

Sasuke’s whole body seized at once. His voice spilled across the bed as his muscles spasmed and the heat rushed through his face, unravelling under Naruto’s weight. The clamping inside must have been driving Naruto crazy because leaned in and groaned, long and loud, sucking his breath through his teeth, slowing down to draw it out but still going deep, which made the waves keep coming. Sasuke was a mess. But then the high started to come down and he stopped flinching so much, and Naruto pulled out, came on the bed, and let Sasuke fold into the sheets.

Sasuke stared at the wall.

_What the fuck was that?_

Something, somewhere was still trembling lightly. A hand nudged Sasuke’s shoulder, meaning to soothe, and spread down over the fine hairs on his back to settle near his tailbone. Naruto sighed behind him, content and sated, and Sasuke closed his eyes and counted down his heartbeats and tried not to think too hard about how—

_This is **so much better** —_

This was what happened if he listened to Naruto. Exposure deep enough to erase him. If Naruto were to roll over and put his face anywhere near Sasuke’s, he was going to see something that Sasuke wouldn’t be able to hide.

“I have to take another shower now because of you,” Sasuke said, grittily.

“Hmm? Did some get on you? Just use a tissue.”

Sasuke sat up and reached over the side of the bed to pick up his towel. He chanced a glance back at Naruto to see whether he would notice how shaky he was but Naruto was just scratching his chest absently with his eyes still closed. Sasuke stood up.

“Come on, it’s not that bad. Just use a tissue.”

“And what, use it to wipe your stench off?” said Sasuke. “You didn’t even have a shower.”

“I guess not.”

Sasuke disengaged from the conversation and left the room.

“Hey, Sasuke.” Naruto sat up. “So can I come with you? Since I need a shower.” Silence. “Sasuke?” A little louder, more silence.

Naruto wondered how many minutes he should wait before he traced a path to the bathroom. The bandages were hanging over the stall door, whose hinges yielded to the pressure of his finger. It was unlocked.

\--

Naruto had taken the hint pretty fast. It wasn’t that Sasuke was having reservations or didn’t want him there, just that he wasn’t sure if he had processed enough of whatever had just happened to acknowledge the face of the person who had liquefied his bones. Naruto couldn’t seem to find any one place to focus on either, starting down at Sasuke sitting on the shower floor, totally soaking wet.

“Can I help you?” said Sasuke.

“You said I needed a shower.”

“I never said that.”

“Well I still need a shower.”

“Okay.” Sasuke surveyed the landscape. “And where exactly are you planning to do that?”

In all of Sasuke’s speaking, he hadn’t said no. Naruto stepped inside and turned Sasuke’s expression carefully walled and bright and darting, sitting in front of him to pull Sasuke’s legs over his own, in a space wasn’t designed to fit two teenage ninja.

“How’s this?”

Sasuke tempered his mouth flat against Naruto’s keen smile full of glimmers. “It’s fine.”

“Why are we sitting on the floor anyway?”

“I like to sit on the floor sometimes.”

Naruto looked up at the showerhead, angled at the wall in a way that made sure it hit neither of their faces but still kept the tiles warm and the steam rising. Sasuke followed the mist that had started to bead and run down Naruto’s neck and chest.

“Do you want to play a game?” said Naruto.

“Can you just have a shower?”

“Loser has to wash me,” Naruto challenged without a hint of innocence. “Hold out your hand.”

Sasuke held out his hand—“rock, scissors, paper”—changed his throw to scissors at the last moment because he wasn’t that stupid—and _still_ lost, staring at Naruto’s closed fist.

“ _No._ What the fuck?”

“See what happens when you only go to school to study?” Naruto took the bar of soap down from the dish and fit it into Sasuke’s fingers. “Ask me where it’s okay to touch.”

Warm tingles of awareness filled Sasuke’s cheeks. “Where can I touch you?”

“Everywhere.”

Sasuke didn’t have a lot of time to think because Naruto’s hands were getting restless, and Sasuke knew if he didn’t distract Naruto—anything would do, taking the soap and putting his hands on Naruto’s nipples to see what that did to him. Naruto reacted better to slow, smooth circles, pressed palms from his navel to his neck and down his arms, down his back that meant Sasuke had to lean forward and put their mouths close enough that the exhalations hit him in the face.

_You get off on softness. But I already knew that._

Naruto leaned forward, giving into the touches, until his forehead was resting on the opposite wall, and since Sasuke was there already, warm and wet, it wasn’t long before temptation won out and Naruto’s voice was in his ear, asking, “Can I touch you too?”

“Where?” said Sasuke.

“Just your face. And maybe your neck. Chest.”

“Okay.”

“With my mouth.”

Sasuke would have laughed if he weren’t so winded. Just the thought of being pressed against the wall while Naruto— _this asshole wants to lick my face_ —

“Fine,” spoken too low against Naruto’s ear. “But if you start sucking on the skin—”

“I won’t.”

Naruto’s nose brushed against Sasuke’s cheek. Although the thought of Naruto salivating all over his face wasn’t erotic at all, the build-up—caught between the pressure of Naruto palm on one side, his lips pressed and opening on the other, and the rest of him hard between Sasuke’s thighs—

Warmth dragged along Sasuke’s jaw, where either thrill or embarrassment made his face flare hot. Naruto descended on his neck, and lower. He drew lines from the base of Sasuke’s breastbone, deviating at angles across his chest until finally he licked across Sasuke’s nipple like he had wanted to do from the beginning.

Sasuke flinched and pushed Naruto’s face away, crushing the residual responses and tightening the features of his face. But Naruto was not dissuaded. He smiled, leaning in again, and licked at the corner of Sasuke’s mouth.

If Sasuke got too distracted, Naruto was going to do something unnecessary with his tongue. Sasuke parted his teeth to exhale, consciously soft, as Naruto crept further along and slower each time, until the feeling of their lips touching and no one moving was impossible to contain and Sasuke had to end it. He turned his head the degree necessary to initiate a kiss for the first time.

Naruto responded exactly as Sasuke knew he would. Unhurried, with his mouth open. Sasuke held Naruto’s face to maintain a minimum of control, should he need it, while Naruto ran his hands down the line of Sasuke’s back and pulled Sasuke against his erection. Sasuke, noticeably, wasn’t hard again yet, but he was ready for whatever Naruto wanted to do with their mouths and the suds between them until he was.

Naruto, uselessly, hadn’t learned anything at all. He had no guard up and he barely had his eyes open. Sasuke had to be careful where his head was taking him. His fingers kept lingering on Naruto’s face, pulling back, around his mouth, dragging back and forth over the lips he had just kissed, his chin and his jaw, back to his mouth. Naruto opened his eyes and tried to work out what Sasuke thought he was going to do with the nail of his thumb pushed between his teeth.

“Do you want me to get some more practice?” said Naruto.

“What?”

“Practice,” Naruto repeated, leaning back to encourage Sasuke to rise on his knees and put Naruto’s mouth directly in line with—and Sasuke broke from the mood completely and realised with startling understanding exactly how very vulnerable a position Naruto was suggesting he put him in.

_Are you actually an idiot? Do you even know what you’re doing—Do you even know what you’re **saying** —_

Sasuke calmed down, realising what Naruto meant wasn’t what his greedy libido was telling him. But Naruto wasn’t looking at him like he was making a mistake.

“What do you want me to do?” Sasuke had to ask.

“Put it in my mouth.”

_What is up with you? Are you out of your mind? Was **this** what you were planning?_

“Who are you even learning this stuff from?”

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. It was just an idea.”

_How can you just ignore everything I’ve done to you and ask me to—_

“I mean, this is only the second time I’ve ever done this so I still don’t really know what I’m doing,” Naruto reasoned, seeing Sasuke’s expression sink from suspended apprehension into paralysing disbelief. “But if you just, you know, go slow and be careful, I know you won’t hurt me.”

Sasuke flinched. That was a striking way of phrasing it.

_No. You do know. You’re completely aware of what it’s going to mean for me to do what you’re asking me to do._

Naruto was giving him a chance he absolutely didn’t deserve. Sasuke knew that. Sasuke also knew what would happen if he screwed it up. It was in his best interests, while Naruto was giving him permission of his own volition, to keep his fingers under control if he ever wanted to feel the same sense of intense power howl through him when he rose back up on his knees and tilted Naruto’s chin up, held himself in one hand and gently persuaded Naruto’s mouth to open.

Sasuke liked this angle. Naruto had his hands on Sasuke’s hips but it was Sasuke who had to lean in, looking down, at Naruto’s tongue that covered his bottom teeth allowing for a smooth glide into—

Chaos hit his brain. Sasuke held Naruto’s face between his fingers and carefully flexed his hips, shallow and slow, looking down and losing his breath, watching himself disappear into Naruto’s mouth. Then when Naruto’s head touched the opposite wall and there was nowhere else for him to go—

Sasuke fluttered his eyelashes. Delirium was starting to bubble and corrupt his lungs. There were restrictions. He went slow, a little further. A little further. A little further. A little—

_How come you aren’t stopping me? You can’t just let me do whatever I want—_

The back of Naruto’s throat was just there and Sasuke had total, unrestrained, undeserved control—and doubted it immediately. Naruto couldn’t be that fucking insane, but still something thick and intoxicatingly curious wanted to test it just to be rid of it. Sasuke shuffled his knees closer and very, very slowly, so that Naruto knew what was happening and had time to adjust, pulled his head down—

_Fuck, I can’t do it._

Sasuke had no idea where Naruto’s limit was but he was going to make sure he never got anywhere near it. Sasuke pushed Naruto’s head back, finding contentment in running over his tongue, and knowing that was the right decision when the burden lifted. He was over trying to extract every last drop of reckless excess before someone else could get there first, and this time what Sasuke began to realize he wanted to do was to start along the path to proving that he was capable of not being a monster.

Naruto rewarded his restraint, smoothing up the outerside of Sasuke’s thighs and slipping his fingers in where residual oil still remained. Sasuke sighed and let his eyes rest, indulging the swelling and tightness that let him know he was getting close. So this was all he needed. He only needed as much as he was allowed, as much as Naruto was willing to give him, because the rush he got from knowing that what they were doing—that it was permitted and reciprocated and wanted—

Naruto pushed back on Sasuke’s hips. There was a moment of washed euphoria, settling back on his heels, surviving, but then Naruto had to stare at him like the sight of Sasuke rough and turned on was the most incredible thing ever to appear in front of his face.

“Close your eyes,” said Sasuke.

Naruto closed his eyes. Sasuke dropped his head, intending to recover, but his gaze fell stuck between Naruto’s legs and a different idea took over his consciousness with a prickle of heat to his palms.

Carefully, letting Naruto’s hands wander onto his waist and pull him in, Sasuke sat in Naruto’s lap and brought their hips close together. Sasuke stared down, the anticipation rippling, and wrapped his hand around the both of them. The first thing out of Naruto’s stupid mouth and into his ears was his name.

_You’re doing a lot of damage with that tongue of yours today._

“Stop talking.”

Naruto said blissful nothing while Sasuke experimented. Sasuke watched in Naruto’s face for reactions, stills and flinches and sighs, and then Sasuke closed his eyes when he found something that seemed to work for the both of them.

Naruto was the only one who came. The good feeling was there but Sasuke was going to need either more time or more stimulation or both. Sasuke stopped and looked down at Naruto. Bowed into Sasuke’s chest, Sasuke saw only the edges of a smile that he had not inspired in Naruto in a very long time.

“Get out so I can have a shower,” said Sasuke.

Naruto pulled back. He might have been trying to look annoyed. “Do you want me to—”

“I want you to get out.”

“Can’t I just sit here with you for a—”

“ _Get out._ ”

“Whatever, _fine_ ,” Naruto huffed, reluctant obedience, but he still had the temerity to smile a little on his way out.

\--

All evidence of their sex had been cleaned up from the kitchen floor. Sasuke ignored the lightness in his chest growing with each step towards his bedroom to find exactly what he had expected, breaking apart the anxiety and filling him with equal amounts of exasperation and awe. Not only was Naruto there on his bed but not a single one of the clothes he had collected on his way had been put back on his body. Naruto wasn’t even trying to pretend anymore. He had just sat there, waiting.

Sasuke said, “Don’t you ever get tired?”

“Tired of you?”

Sasuke gave Naruto a careful look.

“Come here.” Naruto beckoned. “I’ll dress your back again.”

Naruto patted the bed, which Sasuke stared at. The first aid kit was open behind Naruto and the bottle of ointment was already in his hand. What Naruto appeared to be suggesting he do was sit down and allow Naruto to put his hands on him again.

“Enough,” said Sasuke.

“Fine with me.”

He didn’t like that. “You’ve made your point.”

“What was my point?” The question was stripped of humour. When Sasuke failed to respond, Naruto said, “I’m not going to do anything you don’t want me to do. I’m offering to dress your back because infections suck.”

“You have no clothes on,” said Sasuke. “I’m not wearing anything under this towel. You want to fuck me again.”

Naruto put down the bottle and turned his full attention on Sasuke. “Yeah, I do. I don’t want to stop. You know why? Because it feels great. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to another person in my whole life and that other person is you. But you’re confusing two totally different things. I want to take care of you, and that means making sure you don’t die from sepsis or something. But you’re talking about self-control, which, thanks for asking, I have more than enough to share if you’re lacking. Sit down.”

Sasuke set his jaw. But he did as he was told.

He smelled the ointment first, and then the warmth of Naruto’s hands touched his skin. Naruto spread the liquid thinly and evenly over his back and gently massaged the area until Sasuke felt very little residue remaining on the surface. Naruto helped him with the bandages, and Sasuke sealed the end with a clasp.

Sasuke turned. He had not thought about what he would do if all they did was stare at each other.

“So,” said Naruto.

“So,” said Sasuke.

“Do you want to do rock-scissors-paper again or do you want to talk about it like real people?” said Naruto.

“Do I have a choice?”

“Of course you do.”

“What if I want to be on top?”

Naruto smiled, gently, forgivably, for whatever reason, even though he had no right to.

“Sure,” said Naruto.

For some reason, a bolt of fear struck Sasuke’s chest.

Naruto smacked the ball of his palm directly on Sasuke’s sternum and knocked the startled breath out of him. Sasuke clawed out of the shock with a retaliating swipe too late, pushed down onto his back, and Naruto teased him about whether he was actually a ninja.

“ _You_ of all people—”

Naruto’s skin smelled clean and his lips tasted like water. Sasuke gave in until he realised he was being distracted and robbed.

“Get off. You said I could be on top this time.”

“You are. Kind of.”

Sasuke stopped resisting for a moment to check how much of the light and alive resolution affected in Naruto’s expression was real, because Naruto was sitting on top of him with another idea and unless their positions were going to flip—

 _Oh you’re not_ —smile falling for the first and only thing he could imagine, putting flutters of anticipation into his stomach at the same time as the thought of it knocked his heart out of control— _no way, you wouldn’t, you’re not going to_ —

“Okay?”

Naruto was asking, and Sasuke answered as agreeably as he could manage.

“Whatever.”

Naruto stared a moment longer, and then he shuffled back, dipped down, and put his tongue warm to Sasuke’s skin.

Though Sasuke’s reactions still refused to bind and be asphyxiated, this time Sasuke didn’t push Naruto away. Instead Sasuke focused his hands to the bed and adjusted the position of his legs that Naruto had gotten between again, efficiently, because unlike Sasuke who tried to find a balance between settled and spiralling, Naruto was keen and calm and centered.

Inexperience made Naruto’s behavior erratic and hard to predict. Sasuke timed his breathing. He resurrected his focus every time it fell out. He lay on his back and tried to relax again after each flinch but he needed an outlet and fast for the feelings that freezing his limbs wasn’t granting because if he gave nothing else, his tongue was only going to be a single whim away from _asking_ for it—

Gloriously before he could, Naruto started to shift and go lower. Sasuke’s delight dived from patience to impending explosion—but Naruto asking for condoms pulled him back.

“Huh?”

“They’re next to you, beside the pillow.”

Sasuke scuffed his hands around his head. He caught as much as a glance afforded and passed the items over.

“I think it’d be a good idea to start using these. Sorry I didn’t bring them out before. They were in my room.” Sasuke wouldn’t ask why there were two, so Naruto told him. “One for me and one for you,” he explained, tearing the first open for himself. “Easier clean-up.”

Kisses in places too close to intimacy prevented Sasuke from making a response. Naruto didn’t wait for one. He put his mouth on the inside of Sasuke’s thighs. Through tufts of blonde hair, Sasuke watched Naruto’s mouth open, descending.

“Why do you keep _putting it in your mouth?_ ”

Sasuke flushed hard under Naruto’s gaze. Naruto noticed that was all Sasuke did. “Why?” echoed Naruto. “Because I want to. I thought that was kind of obvious.” A pause. “Did you change your mind?” 

Sasuke opened his mouth to form a single, irresponsible syllable. “No.” 

“Then don’t worry about it. Just lie back and enjoy it.” 

Sasuke jerked at little at the first touch of Naruto’s tongue. If he settled his head and focused, felt it, the rhythmic slide of air traded for warmth—though he couldn’t quite relax his fingers from their position anchored in the sheets, he could allow the small privilege of his lungs unhinged. Just light sound, loud enough to be taken as a warning. 

Naruto stopped. He opened the condom, rolled it on, and climbed over Sasuke’s stomach.

Naruto reached back.

Sasuke’s fingers snapped onto Naruto’s legs. “Do you know what you’re doing?”

“I told you,” said Naruto. There was a touch. “Just lie back and enjoy it.” 

Sasuke made peace with the ceiling, scattered, and held onto Naruto’s thighs. Sasuke parted his lips fast, intending to ask, when Naruto balanced and pushed down, and, inhaling—

_It’s going in—_

Sasuke groaned and pinched his eyes closed as Naruto slid, fit, and got comfortable in his lap. Sasuke had been tricked again. The time Naruto spent waiting in his room hadn’t been wasted at all.

Naruto took time to learn what to do. He was careful. For over a decade, Sasuke’s survival had hinged on suppression and immaculate sobriety, an unspoken heart and rigid surveillance but _this_ —as Naruto rode him, slowly, so that they could both feel what it was like—this made the blush scorch the skin down to his chest, his face brighter against the white sheets when Naruto began to appreciate what momentum did to him.

Sasuke knew why Naruto had suggested they do it like this, unfathomable though it was to him to imagine they would ever end up in this position. All he needed to do was lie back and learn that he could do it and Naruto would enjoy it, or, if Sasuke liked, put hands further up Naruto’s thighs while the ripples of stars burned under his skin, or, if Sasuke dared, put cracks in his eyelids wide enough to see the determination spread across Naruto’s flushed face—

“Naruto—”

Sasuke’s hands grappled higher at Naruto’s hips, uselessly, because they only seemed to want to pull him down harder. Sasuke reached forward and tried to render the same desperation, but Naruto, offended by the disruption, snatched Sasuke’s wrists and stapled them forward on the bed.

Naruto stared down at Sasuke staring up at him. Attempts to moderate everything meant Sasuke had no control over anything. Sasuke opened his mouth. His voice hit Naruto in the face.

“Naruto, slow down.” Anxious, unanswered pleas while his legs widened. “Slow down. Naruto, you need to slow down— _Naruto_ —”

Naruto watched with fascination the way Sasuke’s neck exposed itself, arching back. He slowed and felt the faint shudder of Sasuke’s release, stilled to let him buck it out, and watched the high undo him.

Blissful sweetness kept Sasuke’s eyelids closed. He didn’t look like he would be moving for a while. Naruto got up. And moved back.

Sasuke cleared through his sedated daze and pulled his eyes open to stare at Naruto when he picked up his jellied legs, hoisting them up to the right height, and Sasuke parted his mouth without a sound when Naruto leaned in and stared him down and blurred the boundary between their bodies again.

One of Sasuke’s arms struck the headboard above to stop himself from sliding up the bed. Now that all the strength had fallen out of Sasuke’s muscles, Naruto worked out that he could do exactly as he pleased. He took him as hard and fast as he liked with growled out groans on the inward thrust—and Sasuke almost wished _this_ was what had made him come because Naruto losing himself in front of his eyes—

Naruto was scrabbling for his arms, pulling at them and dragging his wrists down. If Sasuke didn’t make up for the loss of stability by clamping his legs as hard as he could at Naruto’s sides, he was never going to be distracted long enough for Naruto to slide his fingers between the gaps in his and pin their hands to the bed.

This was getting to be almost too much, happening too close to Sasuke’s face where he experienced the world. Naruto’s mouth pressed to his neck was starting to signal the sounds of his descent. It was going to be over soon, Sasuke knew, when Naruto pounded all the power he had in his thighs until the last—until Naruto stalled and his release broke. Sound vibrated from Naruto’s chest through Sasuke’s, short, steady jerks of his hips like he was either trying to drag it out or had forgotten he was supposed to stop.

Sasuke relaxed his hold and let his feet drop a little, like a hint. But Naruto didn’t reciprocate with any movement that showed he was ready to separate.

The weight on his hands softened. Naruto let go, and Sasuke’s eyes, still closed, didn’t see those hands move to hold his cheeks in the palm of his hands. Naruto kissed him only a few times, and then he skimmed his hands back along Sasuke’s forearms that he still didn’t put far enough out of reach for Naruto to braid their fingers again, squeezing once, before letting go and sitting back. Sasuke rolled over as soon as he was able to. Whatever Naruto had seen already, he wasn’t allowed to see more of it.

_It’s just going to be all of this, all the time, isn’t it?_

Naruto sat up. Tissues pulled and the rustle of the used condom hit the plastic lining of Sasuke’s wastepaper basket. Sasuke wouldn’t look, but the light sighs while Naruto caught the last of his breath told him Naruto was turned towards him.

“I’m going to go get some water. I’ll bring you a glass.”

The mattress dipped and sprung. Only after Naruto left did Sasuke venture to look.

His bed was a mess of wrinkled sheets and kicked blankets, even if the rest of his room was untouched save for his pillow lying next to his desk, behind his chair. Sasuke carefully took off the condom and discarded it.

Naruto came back. One look at his saturating confidence depleted Sasuke of his. Sasuke accepted the cup and drank from it.

Naruto put it on the bedside table when he had finished and lay back down, taking Sasuke with him and pushing a contented sigh into the back of his head. Naruto had either immense luck or he simply didn’t care that he was lying on the dirtiest part of the sheets, and by the time Sasuke realised the light waves of his breathing had fallen deep and even, it was too late to tell him to leave.

Finally quiet, Sasuke sighed and closed his eyes.

_Usuratonkachi—_

Well. Naruto had taken away his libido, if that had been his goal. It had sunk somewhere between uninspiring and off-putting and Sasuke’s imagination, when he did care to turn it on, shuddered and fell over quickly. The worst was when his daydreams conspired with his mind in unguarded moments, sliding back and reliving the things they had done together. Sasuke opened his eyes to escape it. 

“Lift your head.”

Naruto was speaking. Sasuke lifted his head, and Naruto eased his arm under his neck, folding it across his chest, and pressed as much of his body as he could along the curve of Sasuke’s back and in the bend of his knees.

_This idiot—!_

“—You’re hard again.” 

“Yeah.” Naruto laughed, too cheekily to be genuinely embarrassed and not enough to shy away. “Sorry. Is it uncomfortable? It’ll go away soon.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“I know. I just want to lie here with you.”

Naruto had a need for closeness that proximity alone couldn’t satisfy, and Sasuke, too tired to avoid things his insecurities wouldn’t have allowed had he been more alert against an opponent who had already proven the bottomless capacity of their stamina, decided, wisely, to settle and lay still while the long strands of hair on his neck rustled and gave way under Naruto’s warm and quiet exhalations.

Sasuke relaxed. Adrenaline still drumming too thick in his veins kept true rest out of reach, but he was able, for a little while, to soften his muscles and let the time wander by unnoticed under closed eyelids.

“Hey, Sasuke,” calm, murmured vibrations on his skin. “We don’t have to have do anything but would it be okay if I just put it in and stayed like that?”

Sasuke had no chance of rest now. He lost a few moments of memory to the breathlessness in his chest.

“Just for a little while.”

_How the fuck do you keep coming up with—_

“I promise that’s all I’ll do.”

_And then what are we going to do? Just lie there like that? No way. Don’t you know there’s a word for it, when you and I—_

Sasuke didn’t say anything but his imagination turned back on and his libido started to ignite. Just the thought of it put shallow breaths on his knuckles, hand at his teeth. He knew every reason it could turn out to be the worst decision he had ever made but—

he was just so ungodly curious.

“Are you going let me do it to you later?”

“Sure.”

Sasuke pretended the answer even mattered. “Fine.”

As soon as permission departed his mouth, Sasuke was alert. He pulled one leg up out of the way when Naruto’s hand ran over his hip and reached down. Sasuke felt the red in his cheeks mar even more of his face when he realized, not only was the skin there sensitive from so much friction in such a short period of time, but that he knew by the way that Naruto’s fingers weren’t bound by resistance just how wet and pliant he was from their activities before.

_**Fuck.** _

_It doesn’t matter. It’s not like you’re any different. If anything, you’re way worse. I was just happy to lie by your side but clearly you can’t deal with the separation for even a second unless you’re actually inside me—_

Relocating the blame to Naruto entirely was a comforting guard. It meant Sasuke could lower his anxiety long enough after Naruto had spread more oil between them to feel the little sigh fan over his neck when the pressure from Naruto became too much and his body gave in.

Naruto kept going, repositioning, until he was satisfied that there was no possible way that he could fit any more, any further in. Sasuke thought that would be the worst of it over but then he realized, when no one was moving, that if he could feel the way Naruto was reacting—

Sasuke tried to regulate his breathing and get his thoughts under control.

_Don’t think about anything. This wasn’t my idea. Why I agreed to this— **I want you more than I know how to say** —probably some spur-of-the-moment impulsiveness brought on by the one sliver of lust you haven’t managed to fuck out of me yet—_

“Ah, let’s see. What have we got in the fridge for lunch?” 

Sasuke snapped out of it. Seconds away from self-destruction and Naruto was thinking about his goddamn _stomach_ —

“Hmm. I think I remember seeing some eggs. Eggs and rice. I could probably make omurice. Best part is drawing faces with the ketchup.”

_You are so fucking full of shit. Why do I—_

“I don’t know what we have to drink though. Maybe just water. And tea. Does that go well? What goes well with omurice? Sakura-chan’s been buying oolong tea lately. It’s alright.”

_Of all times and your first stupid thought—_

“I’ll tell you what tea I do like and that’s roasted rice tea. I love the real stuff, though, especially if it still has lots of rice in the bottom. I know some people don’t like the thought of soggy rice but it reminds me of Ero-sennin.”

_What are you even going on about?_

“You know he always used to fill his rice bowl with hot water after a meal and drink it like that. Said it helped with digestion or something.”

“I was wondering why you did that.”

“Yeah. Not all the time, but sometimes.”

_Oh. That was our first real conversation._

_**This is the worst.** I can’t deal with this after all. Because every time I think there could be nothing stupider than the last thing, you always find a way to outdo yourself. But fuck it. This is the worst. I can’t—can’t deal with this—I can’t breathe—I can’t—_

Half the diameter of an atom too late to tell Naruto to quit when Naruto moved his arm and stuffed Sasuke’s eyes into the curve of his palm.

“Just trust me, would you? Anyway, now that you’re allowed out of the house, we should probably go get you an actual haircut.”

_What are you—_

“Time for me to get another one too, I think. Sakura-chan said she would hold me upside down and mop the floors if she wasn’t worried that my hair would just make them dirtier.”

_What—_

“I can’t believe she insulted me twice in the same sentence. I’m gonna steal it and tell it to Sai.”

_Fucking hell, with all your yabbering, I can’t even hear myself think—huh?_

For a little while, Sasuke was able to focus on the strange and consistent way that Naruto seemed to know just what to do to calm his head. Not all of the tension dissolved but he let Naruto hold his face down and stopped trying to flog his body for the things his mind did.

Sasuke did what he had been too wound up to do at the start: just lay there, for a while, with Naruto, listening to Naruto’s chatter that kept the bad thoughts at bay. The chatter gradually interspersed with longer silences and then it was gone altogether.

It was still unfamiliar and at times Sasuke still felt teetered on blade-point edge but—he started off by admitting, light and careful, that it felt good. It felt good to have someone else’s body heat so close, to be made to feel safe and whole while pushed outside of his comfort zone. Admission wasn’t as difficult as he had thought it would be. It was just Naruto, after all, who wasn’t doing anything else like he had promised, and Naruto always kept his promises.

Sasuke breathed. He started with breathing. As long as he kept breathing. 

“Your hair is really black,” Naruto started up again. “Did you know your crown goes clockwise?”

Little pieces of information like this made Sasuke forget to care about reflexes outside his influence. Not that Naruto had needed an excuse to run his hands through his hair.

“It smells really good, too.” Naruto ran his nose down Sasuke’s nape.

Sasuke moved his hand between his legs and put it to use because that was as subtle as he knew how to be. The muscles in his arm tensed and flexed under the skin. Naruto noticed.

“I thought you didn’t want to do anything.”

“I changed my mind.”

Naruto hesitated.

And then he said, “Do you want me to do something too?”

“Probably wouldn’t be the worst decision you’ve ever made,” said Sasuke.

As Naruto released him from the embrace and pulled his arm out, Sasuke’s head worked to calculate how exactly Naruto planned to take him. He rolled onto his stomach, heavy under Naruto’s weight, and lost himself to the bubbling thrill in his chest when Naruto spread his knees further apart and sat between his legs.

Naruto pulled his hips up, and Sasuke held the position.

Sasuke was being remarkably tame. Naruto dared to stare at Sasuke, his hands clasped in the sheets.

_Calm down._

Naruto narrowed and fixed his focus over the indents of Sasuke’s hips. He experimented a few times to get a feel for what to do, watching as even the lightest impacts put ripples on the surface. Curiosity beckoned. He stared, pulling all the way out just to watch Sasuke take him all the way in.

_Whoa okay just—calm down. This is all in my head. Don’t do anything stupid._

Naruto closed his eyes to get away from it. A part of this had to be from the fox’s likely greed and giddy jubilation at having an Uchiha as close to its total mercy as it was ever going to get. He leaned down to kiss the dips in Sasuke’s spine, ran his hands up his chest and dragged back over Sasuke’s stomach to rest on his thighs—and another idea, also the fox’s fault, put quakes in his fingers as he reached up, dangerously close and barred by nothing, and held Sasuke in both hands.

For the span of countless seconds, the intensity of his actions shook him—even though Sasuke clenched like crazy and Naruto forgot how to breathe—this was the singlemost exhilarating thing he had ever done.

_**Calm down.** This is crazy. I’ll never have a chance to do this again in my life._

Sasuke was hard, though not heavy or full. Naruto couldn’t fathom what excuses Sasuke was telling himself to keep him there but he was silent and compliant and patient while Naruto’s fingers wandered carefully over lines and ridges. The skin was unbelievably smooth in places, and unbelievably wet in others.

_How come you aren’t stopping me? You can’t just let me do whatever I want—_

Naruto might have mistaken Sasuke’s quietness for dismissal but the reactions from his body whenever Naruto touched somewhere new or held him firm suggested he was aware, capable of processing whether he liked it or not, wanted it to continue or not—whether he cared that Naruto had the freedom to learn what made him bend and soften. 

Naruto pushed Sasuke’s chest flat to the bed, making Sasuke turn his head. He had his eyes closed when Naruto pushed the hair out of his face and scalded his skin with his stare.

“This is the last time, okay?”

Sasuke nodded. He reached down and put a hand around himself.

With steadily increasing force and frequency, Naruto set a pace at the edge of his sanity. He’d used too much oil in the end. Greedy thoughts of Sasuke putting up— _no resistance_ —balanced the lack of friction, going hard while Sasuke wore the effect. It was with inexplicable dissatisfaction that pulled out, tempered only by warmth of Sasuke’s body transferred to his as slick strokes and enveloping heat.

Naruto closed his eyes. His senses dulled as the feeling compounded.

“Come inside me.”

“What?” Naruto heaved a fretted sigh. “Please don’t tell me to do stuff like that when I’m so close.”

“I want you to do it.”

Naruto groaned, losing determination that was already fractured. He opened his eyes, staring down and leaning in, over Sasuke’s back. A fraction of hesitation was all that separated consideration and unimaginable impulse as he opened his mouth and ran his tongue along the folds of skin over Sasuke’s spine. He bared his teeth and made Sasuke jolt underneath him with the bite to his neck.

That noise in his throat was too good to be trapped behind his teeth. Naruto got his fingers inside Sasuke’s mouth where he knew Sasuke wouldn’t bite him out and made him vocalise everything he felt.

A last, low groan, filtered through Naruto’s fingers, signalled his drop into bliss. Sasuke was spent. He felt nothing come out. Naruto had by now started to develop a little bit of knowledge about his role and decided to endure through the tremors, slow and punctuated and accurately aimed to make Sasuke shake. Naruto came inside him, softening his teeth to sigh Sasuke’s name down over his neck.

Sasuke’s eyes were bright red when he opened them. He looked struck and out of focus, not yet recovered, but he seemed to have the awareness to put his attention on Naruto when Naruto turned him over on his back and went down on him.

Sasuke flinched at the sensitivity, but Naruto wasn’t trying to get him off and Sasuke didn’t try to push him away. He just lay there, with his head angled a little to the side, and put up with the licks between his legs and along his sex until they went away.

Naruto put a measured kiss to his cheek, and Sasuke opened his eyes again.

Naruto said, “I love you, you know.”

Sasuke’s eyes shot back to black, and then Sasuke just stared at the pointed finger Naruto shoved in his face.

“Next time,” Naruto growled out to make sure Sasuke understood the seriousness of his demand, “you are going to make me feel exactly like you’re feeling right now, or I’m going to turn you down until you do. Got it?”

Sasuke looked like he brushed it off on first instincts but Naruto glared at him longer than necessary and understanding faltered in his expression. Then Naruto got up, announced his intentions to wash, and left Sasuke to his thoughts.

\--

Clean, composed, sensible, and dressed, Sasuke unfurled a scroll and sought comfort in his normal routine. He leaned over the desk, balanced with his hand held over his mouth, and studied the characters.

_Well that was a stupid thing to do **five times**._

Sasuke knew it wasn’t going to pan out well if he started thinking about it but irritably he couldn’t knock the wonderings down enough times to stop them from chasing their way back to the surface twice as fast. It might have had something to do with how, although his body still felt rough and stiff from the fight, apart from that, there was only calm. Heavy, heady peace. He felt his weight, drained and still a little bewildered. But he didn’t feel bad. He felt like he had lungfuls of air.

_It’s just—just a good feeling. From—Why did you have to go and do it so many times anyway? You know what I’m capable of and you still let me fuck your face into a wall._

Sasuke groaned and rubbed his face, staggered up from his desk and looked around the room for anything that would captivate his imagination better than the writings in front of him. Naruto had come back to his bed and he was still lying there, polluting the linen with his body odour while his ribcage rose and settled in the serenity of sleep.

_You definitely found out that was me. I know you know. Even though you aren’t saying anything. You can’t not know and do all of that._

_How can you just forgive me without a word?_

Just the thought of it brought cold tremors to his chest. If Sasuke thought anymore about what it meant for Naruto to still hurl the entire volume of his trust at him after all he had done to him—

Reading wasn’t going to cut it. He wandered out into the hallway, the lounge room, and made sure to whirl the television sound right up if he wanted to have any hope of making the game show swallow his attention. One of the contestants was comically losing. It was entertaining.

_Especially that last one. That was a mess._

Sasuke closed his eyes and took a deep breath, held it, and let it out slowly through his mouth.

_Remember that first flush of heat when you got in._

_Remember the glide of your tongue across my skin._

_Remember how I moaned in your face._

_Remember the end when you held me until I came._

_Remember how good it felt. The weight, the strength, the submission, the release—_

The door clicked. Sasuke had never felt such weightless elation in a single moment as when Sai and Sakura came into the apartment, except Sakura took one look at the broken table, staring dumbly at it for a moment, and then turned to look at him.

“Should I ask why the table’s broken?”

“Naruto fell on it.”

Sakura looked at the table again. Sai had a go at fixing it but it just fell down and splintered even more.

“How did he manage that?”

“I think he tripped.”

Sakura wasn’t confident enough to press for more. She set off down the hall in search of the other side of the story and Sasuke realized— _wait—he’s naked—did I even close the door?_ —when her footsteps stopped at the end and came back straight away— _no, it’s okay, I did, I remember the creak_ —that he had wasted those moments not thinking of a better answer when she said:

“Where is he? Did he go out?”

“No.” Sasuke paused, helpless. “He’s sleeping. In my room.”

Sakura almost blurted out _why?_ —almost, the breath already inhaled—but something about the pained way Sasuke covered half his face, leaning against the armrest, told her that her guess was probably correct.

_I will never understand how you two work but it needs to be less destructive._

\--

Naruto came back to himself in stages, his senses slowly unfurling as he came out of sleep, the last of the orange afternoon sunshine rousing him, the desk, the pillow tossed aside, the sheets and blankets pushed into a puddle beside the bed. All the muscles in his body felt heavy and warm, drained and replenished at the same time. He looked. Sasuke was not there.

He rolled and stretched. The smell of the bedding, when he turned, was so unlike his own that for minutes, Naruto wanted to do little more than lay in a contented, lethargic daze. He thought about Sasuke’s sharingan.

Voices disturbed him, hushed as though distant, and then louder. Footsteps approach the door, too quick to be Sasuke’s, and Naruto became aware of his nudity with a jolt in the direction of the sheets. But the door was closed. As the footsteps retreated, Naruto got up, redressed, and left. 

His first thoughts flew to Sasuke. An image of Sasuke lounging on the sofa, offering a shy flick of his eyes, crumbled before it could be enjoyed. It would not be that easy. The best he could hope for was that Sasuke had slept—had just woken, even, so that he could catch Sasuke before he had had time to talk himself into or out of anything. The worst—

Naruto stepped out into the hallway to Sasuke walking into it. Sasuke winced as though pained, his lips souring into a flat line as he moved to one side.

When they were close, Naruto threw his arm against the wall. Sasuke baulked, stopping. Behind him, Sakura followed.

“There you are,” said Sakura. Her frown dissolved into something unusual as she looked from Naruto to Sasuke and back. “The table’s broken. Sai’s trying to fix it.” Then, after a moment in which the frown reappeared, she said, “Aren’t those Sasuke-kun’s clothes?”

“Are you alright?” said Naruto.

“Yes.” Sasuke's voice was steady. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Where are you going?”

Sasuke had a look of intense concentration, which he directed at the wall. “Nowhere.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?”

Sasuke moved. Naruto cupped his neck and pulled him back.

“You don’t look like you’ve slept. Do you need me to help you?”

“Huh?”

Naruto shifted his fingers over warm skin, changing his grip. “Let me take care of you.”

Sasuke did not flinch at the touch, nor did he pull away when it lingered, though Naruto could see from the subtle changes in his face that he was at a loss how to respond. Across Sasuke’s cheeks, a new, deeper redness was spreading. It was difficult to look at him like this, startle-eyed and stiff, and recall the things he had said with that mouth.

Sasuke said, “I just want to go to my room.”

“Yours is a mess. Go to mine. I’ll make you some tea.” Naruto looked over the scratches on Sasuke’s face with dismay, then the darkness ringing his eyes. What little damage Naruto had sustained from the fight had healed already, whereas Sasuke was a portrait of everything he had experienced. “Sakura-chan.”

“Huh?”

“Sorry about the table. I tripped and fell on it.”

“Oh,” said Sakura. “Okay.” Then she looked at Sasuke.

Naruto said, “Maybe go see if Sai needs a hand.”

Naruto slid his arm around Sasuke’s shoulders and pulled Sasuke into place at his side. Sasuke walked with the grace of an injured soldier, lagging but acquiescing. Approaching the doorway, Naruto nudged Sasuke inside and turned back towards the kitchen.

\--

A cup of steaming tea in his hand, Naruto closed his bedroom door. The only light then came from the sliver between his curtains, though it was enough to show him where his desk was. He set the cup down close enough that Sasuke, sitting on the edge of his bed, would be able to reach it.

Sasuke, Naruto noticed, was not ready for sleep, or even preparing himself for it. He faced Naruto, his shoulders bunched with tension, his expression grainy and shadowed by the poor light.

Naruto pulled his chair in close and held his ground against Sasuke’s stare. 

Naruto said, “Let’s hear it.” 

“Don’t do this,” said Sasuke. “You’re making a mistake.”

“You would know about mistakes.”

There was a pause.

Sasuke looked away. “Are you going to wash the sheets?”

“I might.”

Sharply, “Would you?”

“Yeah. When I feel like it.”

“Then where am I supposed to—” Sasuke stopped. He breathed out deliberately. “The only reason I came here was because Sakura was watching us. Why is your voice so loud? Do you want—” He stopped again. Naruto waited. Fingers bit the mattress. When Sasuke spoke again, it was about something else. “I know what you want to do. I know what you imagine. But it’s nothing like that. It can’t be. It can never be. That’s just not what my life is made up of.” Sasuke’s breath ribboned. “You have no idea what you’re doing, I’m sure of it—”

“Sasuke.” 

Sasuke clenched his eyes shut.

“You’re tired. You need to sleep. I promise we’ll talk about it later, but for now, just indulge me this one last thing.”

“I don't want any tea.”

“I'm not talking about the tea. I want you to fall asleep in my arms.”

Sasuke’s muscles locked with so much tension, it froze him. Naruto pushed the teacup into Sasuke's hands. Sasuke swayed.

“It’s going to be okay,” said Naruto. “Listen to me. Do what I say. If it doesn’t work, then fine, you can go back to making mistakes, but I’ll still be there to help you.”

Sasuke didn’t like it. He wouldn’t look. For a long while, long enough for the steam to thin and disappear, Sasuke wouldn’t drink the tea. He held the glossy ceramic in his hands and stared at nothing, or closed his eyes, while his brows furrowed and his breathing shallowed and levelled in cycles.

“I have lost everyone I’ve ever cared about,” said Sasuke, “except one.” He bowed his head. “Destroy me. Before I lose that person too and destroy the world.”

The curtains flapped. Frayed strips of light clung to Sasuke’s skin, severed by dark clothes and jagged hair. Naruto fought the instinct to reach out and offer a comforting touch, and just let Sasuke be while he watched him.

“Then I’ll help you protect that person, too,“ said Naruto, “and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. I promise. You’re not going to lose him.“ He jutted his chin at the cup. “Drink it. Then you can go to sleep.”

“What about you?”

“I have plenty of comic books.”

“But it’s dark.” Then Sasuke flinched. It took another moment, but this time Sasuke brought the cup to his mouth, blew air across the top out of habit, and took a sip.

When he finished, Naruto put the cup aside and crawled onto the bed. He applied a fist to the front of Sasuke’s shirt, and pulled.

Sasuke planted his palms.

“Don’t do this,” said Sasuke. “Don’t—” Sasuke shuddered, “let me do this.”

“ _Later_ ,” said Naruto. “You’re tired. I’ve seen what you can talk yourself into when you’re tired. Come here.”

Sasuke’s expression crumbled. Naruto pulled at the shirt until he feared it would tear. Sasuke still didn’t go cooperatively. But he did go. Into the open arch of Naruto’s arm, Sasuke came, slowly, at once as stiff as stone and limp and weak and dazed, and when he was there, Naruto held on.

Sasuke was there, the fine ends of his hair brushing Naruto’s jaw. Naruto patted the hair down, just once. Familiar smell rose out of it, and its smoothness was a marvel he wanted to experience again. So he did. And again. Carefully, and with a distant awareness for Sasuke’s face against where his heartbeat was strongest, Naruto placed the tips of his fingers at Sasuke’s hairline and pushed lines across his scalp. 

The third time, half a sigh escaped Sasuke’s mouth before he cut it off.

A new pressure began to push against Naruto’s chest, and he fought to subdue it, the rushing water well of feeling that spilled between his fingers. He looked down at black hair, at tight shoulders curled inward. He drew a line down Sasuke’s back, and gave in to the impulse while his hand was there to turn Sasuke in a little closer. 

_I am_

_such_

_a fool._  
  
  
  
  
  


###  Eight Months 

  


“Sasuke.”

Sasuke woke with a gasp and a snap, hands strangling the sheets and unable to stop a sound Naruto had never heard him make before—the telltale trickle of sweat down his back when Naruto’s arms around him tightened, suffocated him more than he already was and Sasuke couldn’t—

“What the hell do you want? Let go of me—”

“I didn’t know you still had nightmares.”

Sasuke swallowed dry and brought his breathing back to normal, kicked the sheets off when it was far too hot in the room and tried to sit up, roll away from Naruto’s frighteningly intimate hold and when he wouldn’t let him escape—

“I said _let go_ —why are you still here anyway?”

“This is my room.”

Sasuke’s glare turned rigid at the feeling of Naruto’s nose on his shoulder, the touch of his mouth that rested on his back. Sasuke would never tell Naruto how much it calmed him, comforted him when one of Naruto’s hands covered his eyes and shielded him from the moonlight and the poison in his head.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” But he didn’t fight it, hoped instead that the sweat blended together everything else coming from his eyes. “Just _fuck off_ and _leave me **alone**_ —”

“No.”

grit his teeth against the falling of his heart—

“I won’t let you go.”

and pressed his own hands over Naruto’s when everything broke down and crumbled—

“You’ll never be alone.”

and reassembled the way it should have been.

\--

Sasuke woke up once more when the sun was just coming on dawn. Naruto was still asleep beside him. He didn’t wake when Sasuke sat up, when he got out of the bed that wasn’t his, when he opened the door and left.

Naruto was still asleep in the exact same position when Sasuke came back from the bathroom, stayed asleep when Sasuke got back in the bed that wasn’t his, when Sasuke lay back down beside him and fell back asleep.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Some mornings, Naruto fried tomato halves. When the afternoons were hot, he sliced watermelon. Dessert after dinner was frozen melon skewered on a chopstick because, “real ice cream is too sweet, right?”

Curtains undulated in soothing waves to welcome the incoming heat. Sasuke lay on top of the sheets with his sleeveless shirt rucked up and Naruto’s fan pointed at his stomach to combat the windless still of sticky air. Naruto, in the kitchen, was making something for lunch.

The results of ten minutes of cooking was the most spectacularly minimalistic cold noodle dish whose flavors were not very complex or elaborate, like all Naruto’s food, but was refreshing to eat. Naruto’s food was simple and made from good ingredients. Eating it every day did not make Sasuke feel sick. It made him feel very good.

“The broth tastes like soymilk.”

“That’s because it is.”

Fat udon noodles spun in a ball, poured over with cold soymilk and topped with half a boiled egg. The side dishes consisted of raw cucumber and carrot slices. Sasuke ate it all and got back under the covers, turning into the darkest corner. When Naruto left, he closed the curtains.

“I haven’t really seen Sasuke-kun in a while.” Sakura dried the dishes beside Naruto who washed them. “Kind of seems like the beginning all over again.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Naruto reassured her. “You’ve never been smacked into the dirt a hundred times by Uzumaki Naruto. He’s still recovering. He’ll come out when he’s ready.”

Sakura saw Sasuke by chance one evening, going to have a shower. She offered to heal him and though he thanked her for her concern, he declined the favor.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Welcoming though the peace was that Naruto brought at night, more often than not Sasuke woke not because of bad dreams but because it was just too hot to lie beside him. Sasuke took his pillow and gouged it between their bodies, and Naruto, awake, or woken by the movement, took the pillow and threw it back over Sasuke’s side.

“I’m hot.”

“Yeah, you are.”

Sasuke turned and looked over his shoulder. Naruto was getting up. He came back from the kitchen and sat on the edge of the bed. He repositioned the trajectory of the fan and told Sasuke to roll over.

“If you spread water over your skin and let the fan dry it, you’ll cool down pretty quickly.”

Naruto dipped his fingers into the cup and rubbed water over Sasuke’s legs. He pushed Sasuke’s shirt out of the way and spread it over his back and arms. The technique seemed most effective applied to the bottom of his feet and the palms of his hands. Like Naruto had said, he cooled down and was soon comfortable enough to sleep.

“Where did you learn this?” Sasuke asked.

“I don’t know. Necessity? I’ve always done it. My apartment growing up never got any wind.” 

“Hmm. Mine did.”

Curiosity weaker than his want to sleep, Sasuke relaxed, and dozed, and slept through the rest of the night.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Naruto hummed the opening tunes to a daytime drama while folding washing. Sasuke slept behind him on the couch. While Sakura understood it, still there was something that made her anxiously wait for the right time to ask about it. She had to ask, just in case. She wanted to talk about it.

“Many hands make light work, don’t they?” Sakura smiled into Naruto’s gratitude and sat down next to him. “Whose shirt is this?”

Naruto squinted and drew it closer under inspection. “I don’t know. Is it Sai’s? I know he went and bought a heap of black shirts recently. Now I can’t tell them apart. Hang on, maybe it’s Sasuke’s. Yeah, I think it’s Sasuke’s. It’s too worn to be new.”

Sakura put the shirt in Sasuke’s pile and then hesitated. She turned a tentative glance back at Sasuke just to be sure he was absent, and then: “He sure sleeps a lot these days.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Either Naruto was oblivious to the hint or he didn’t want to reveal too much. Sakura dawdled on another shirt, pushing its creases to the edge.

“Does he get enough sleep at night?”

“Not really.”

She stared at her fingers while her suspicions read into Naruto’s short, offhand reply. He seemed to have confident knowledge of this fact and she hardly ever saw Sasuke’s bedroom door closed these days.

“Don’t worry about it. He’s still recovering. Just let him do what he wants.”

Sakura needed time to settle the information in her head. She still wasn’t quite sure he knew what he was talking about— _because your fight with him was weeks ago, he’s already—_

“Hey, if you want to see him move…” Naruto ducked over and whispered an idea. Sakura pulled away with scepticism in her stare but Naruto was sly and assured. He leaned in again and whispered something else. 

Naruto looked back. He pressed his hand to Sasuke’s shoulder, and when that didn’t work, he put his fingers to Sasuke’s forehead and drew slow lines with his thumb from Sasuke’s eyebrows to his hairline until he woke. His eyes didn’t open but he hummed, burrowing down. 

“You should go have a shower. And wash your hair. You smell like last night’s barbecue.” 

Sasuke hummed again. “Two minutes.” 

Naruto wasn’t falling for that trick again. Two minutes on the border of dreams was all Sasuke needed to fall back asleep. Naruto motioned at Sakura, who touched her fingertips to Sasuke’s brow—snapping back as soon as Sasuke opened his eyes. 

Sakura tittered a nervous laugh in Naruto’s direction. 

“You can keep doing it,” Sasuke said. “I just didn’t know you were there.” 

After another moment of hesitation and under Naruto’s watch, Sakura reached out again. Sasuke looked calm under closed eyelids while Sakura mimicked what Naruto had done, stroking his forehead just a few times. 

Naruto handed off Sakura’s clothes to take to her room. Sakura was quick to read the signals. She was being dismissed. She politely cooperated. 

The walls were thin. Murmurs from the television were almost understandable. Someone said: 

“That was nice of you. You did a good thing. I’ll reward you after you have a shower.”  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Yet another morning, Sasuke woke to an empty bed. He opened his eyes.

Naruto was sitting at his desk reading comics, as usual. He had waited to make breakfast until Sasuke woke, as usual, and Sasuke dozed a little more until the smell of freshly cooked rice was in the room, followed by miso, followed by Naruto coming back, as usual. He sat down beside Sasuke on the bed and smiled at everything below Sasuke’s eyes huddled under sheets.

“Were you cold last night?”

“No,” mumbled Sasuke’s voice, muted through cloth, “it was warm until you left.”

Sasuke was having trouble finding his way out of dreams. He stumbled through the hallway and sat down beside Sai, whose assessing and sceptical visage said what he for once had the forethought not to voice aloud.

“Sakura-chan’s out doing some stuff at the hospital,” Naruto explained her absence at the table, placing plates in front of each of them.

“I heard her leave,” Sasuke answered.

“You did? That was early.”

“Yeah.”

Apart from that, Naruto didn’t bother him with talk. Sasuke ate his meal listening to Sai and Naruto’s chatter. Naruto asked Sai to pick up more comic books from the library since he was going there anyway, and Sasuke wondered warily if this too was another excuse.

“Let’s go out tonight.”

Sasuke looked at Naruto, who had made the suggestion.

“I want to sit on the roof and stargaze,” he continued.

The roof wasn’t nearly as far as Sasuke had expected he would have to take his face so soon. He settled, picking at his food.

The ANBU were watching. Their chakra signals were dull, but present, as Naruto pointed out patterns in the stars taught to him by teachers of the past.

Maybe Naruto sensed them too— _though I really doubt it_ —because Sasuke wanted to fault an exterior threat for his cascading irritability. Together, under the glory of the heavens, Sasuke paid very little attention to the information Naruto expelled and dedicated it all to the organs that moved, emitting the greatest light.

“Usuratonkachi.”

“What?”

Naruto turned from the sky and stared.

“You really are the stupidest person I’ve ever met.”

They brawled until tenants yelled at them to stop. Sasuke fell off the roof. Naruto dived after him and soared right past Sasuke hanging to the eaves underneath, who disconnected the chakra and pounced straight down.

 _But thank god I met you._  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Sasuke was tossing again, and his face was taut. He muttered things sometimes, most of which Naruto could not understand, if they were intelligible things at all and not just whimpers. Naruto watched Sasuke whine again; their expressions mirrored.

Reaching out a hand, Naruto took Sasuke’s arm and shook him gently. “Sasuke. Wake up. It’s just a dream.” 

The shifting stopped. Sasuke’s eyes opened. He stared, and then they closed again. His throat undulated.

Naruto said, “Do you want some water?” 

“Yeah.” 

Sasuke sat up to drink from the glass. When it was empty, Naruto poured more water and Sasuke drank again.

When Sasuke finished, Naruto took Sasuke’s face in his hands. 

Sasuke twisted, but Naruto held on. “Stop it. I know what I look like.” 

“Reminds me of dew on grass.” Naruto swiped a tear from the hollow under Sasuke’s eye and put his finger to his mouth. The contortion was immediate. “That was not the taste I expected.” 

“What did you taste it for then?”

“Just curious.”

Sasuke wiped his other eye. His reaction was more controlled. “It’s salty.” 

“Like the ocean.”

Naruto lay down, and Sasuke pressed his nose into the collar of the shirt Naruto wore. There were areas of skin on Naruto’s back that were cool. Sasuke rolled his shoulders forward, pressed his arms against the back of Naruto’s. For a little while, until it got too hot. 

Sasuke could not remember what he had been dreaming, but while his mind had let go, his heart had not. He breathed in deeper the mixed scent. He kept his eyes closed, like Naruto had told him, and softened his jaw from a clamp to a hinge, and dropped his shoulders. 

Naruto’s body was the first to fall, his arms heavy when Sasuke moved his away. Eventually, he slept.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Even with a hot cup of coffee between his fingers, Sasuke was slouched over his knees, dozing. He relied on Naruto’s shoulder to keep him somewhat upright. At whatever hour Sasuke hadn’t had time to check, Naruto had hauled his limbs out of the house and now they were sitting on the roof again.

“Watch watch watch watch watch!”

Nudged into action, Sasuke raised his head and opened his bleary eyes.

The light on the horizon cracked with the rippling orange glow of the dawn sun. Naruto leant over and whispered, “Congratulations. For a whole day, you can do whatever you want.”

“Can we go back to bed now?”

“In a minute.”

When the sun peaked over clouds and became too bright to stare at directly, Naruto took the half empty, lukewarm cup out of Sasuke’s hands and put him back to bed.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Air from Naruto’s fan waved over Sasuke’s face. It was cool, refreshing, and it made his eyes tired. He slept on the couch with Naruto in front, in reach, and the television sound tiptoed around and faded to background noise.

When he woke, it was to a sheet over him and everything else exactly as he left it. Sasuke stretched and Naruto turned around.

“Sakura-chan bought some apricots. Do you want one?”

But so much sleeping had made Sasuke hungrier than fruit would sate. “Want to go out and have ramen instead?”

Naruto was all for this idea, as Sasuke knew he would be. He went to his room to change. Sasuke waited by the door, darting his eyes at small movements and fidgeting his fingers.

On busier streets, people stared, but not in the way Sasuke feared. They stared at Naruto, gave a cursory glance out of curiosity at his company, and stared at Naruto again. Sasuke started to feel unsure whether Konoha’s citizens even recognised him.

_All that worry for—_

Hot ramen and heavy air made Sasuke sweat, though not as much as Naruto. Bands of warmth radiated off him. A passing comment from Teuchi about swimming off the last of the heat wasn’t a bad one. On the way home, Sasuke suggested going to the lake.

They walked the lake perimeter under the shade of trees during the afternoon, and then, later, they sat on the dock. When Sasuke had been younger, his feet had never been able to reach the water. Now he sat comfortably on the edge, ankle deep, with Naruto, watching as the sun started to set.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Sasuke had observed enough cats in his life to know that if he just pawed Naruto’s comic book to the floor and lay on it that Naruto would give him attention.

It didn’t work. Naruto shoved him off and rolled on his back, kicking out with his foot to turn the television on and holding the comic book in the air. “Oh, look. It’s that show you love.”

“It’s the news.”

“Whoa, what timing! Just when I was up to the most amazing part in my book.”

Sasuke stared at the anchorwoman, forecasting the effects of autumn vacations in snow somewhere in another land. Schoolchildren were jumping off play equipment, diving and disappearing into piles of it with a fluff of flurries. He was entertained for about half of the entire thirty seconds of broadcast.

“I’m bored again.” Sasuke weaved his face into the pages but Naruto just palmed him out of the way and rolled over to another side.

“Just hang on, would you. You do not know how intense this is right now.”

“Everyone lives happily ever after,” Sasuke reminded him. Naruto’s stories were all of a single type.

“Yeah I know but— _how?_ I need to know _how._ ”

Sasuke dragged a laboured sigh and starfished on the ground. He looked over, rolled over, and fit the curve of Naruto’s back with enough room to stare over his shoulder at the pages.

“What’s going on?”

“Three friends got lost on a journey and now they’re _just_ about to find each other.”

Typical teenage literature. Sasuke was hooked on the premise alone.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Sakura watched Sasuke out of the corner of her eye, glaring at Naruto as he taught Sai the joys of blowing bubbles through his nose in the water. She looked down at her feet and wriggled her toes and smiled at how his fingers scratched along the rock into a fist. Maybe everything was okay even if Sasuke and Naruto stubbornly never spoke or ever acted the way she really wanted to see them act. If Sasuke didn’t realise what he looked like, it just meant his head was too full of his thoughts about one person to notice or control his reactions.

“Sakura.”

Sasuke lowered his voice when he realized it had made her jump.

“You shouldn’t have listened to me when I told you to stay away from Naruto.”

She watched her hands, tightening on her knees. Naruto was still blowing bubbles, pretending to be a shark and Sai his prey. Sai, who had only ever seen sharks in books, thought Naruto looked stupid and he told him so. Sasuke exhaled his annoyance, watching the commotion that Naruto stirred up that he for once wasn’t a part of and wanted to be.

“I know it hurt you. I don’t know why I did it. It wasn’t a nice thing to do.”

_I get it. I know this is your way of saying sorry._

“I’m going to stay here—to make sure he doesn’t screw everything up.”

_But I still can’t believe you were so afraid you might lose him to me. You’ve always been—_

Sakura smiled, relaxed, and told him there was nothing for her to forgive, that it was okay, and there was nothing better than when he looked over at her and—

“Thank you.”

—quietly, sincerely, and this time they were in a better place, at the valley, in the sun, with those they cared about and blissfully warm all over.

“Gah—hey!” Naruto was waving his hands around to get their attention and Sakura turned to him with a smile that didn’t show anywhere near the gratitude she owed him. “We’re going to take a group photo! Come down here!”

When Naruto balanced the camera on a rock just carefully enough that it didn’t fall into the water, when Sasuke still didn’t smile for the photo and Naruto hassled him about it, when Sai stood next to her and told her he finally understood what they had fought for all those years, when she had a new photo to put on her desk right beside the old one and no one was left out and Naruto had done everything he had promised he would do five years before—she hugged her family to her heart and never let them go.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


These comics were going to be the end of him. They were the first thing Sasuke read in the morning and the last thing he read at night, until the lines on the page were blurry and he couldn’t comprehend the dialog. Naruto was happy to read the series again.

“Oh man, I remember this part! She’s about to—”

“Stop it! God. What do you want now?”

In the beginning, the first time, Sasuke had challenged Naruto’s threat to reveal spoilers. It ended as tragically as he had envisioned but never thought realistically possible. One of the main characters was, indeed, a home-grown citizen born to foreign parents, and that told Sasuke a whole lot of story he didn’t want to know so early in his reading. It was either he gave in to Naruto’s demands or risked an even greater reveal.

Naruto turned, propped his head against his hand. That mischievous smile—

“I want to see your eye color.”

A little worse than the last time when Naruto had made him massage his shoulders, but better than the time before that when he had to feed Naruto cherries he had cunningly bought especially for it. They had stained his lips and tongue a dark, delicious red.

Sasuke rolled over. His irritation lasted until Naruto leaned in close. He held still while Naruto stared at his eyes.

Naruto stared longer than he needed to. Sasuke watched his face go through a spectrum of expressions: at the start, curiosity; towards the middle, appreciation. At the end, Naruto was definitely not staring at his eye color. Sasuke knew this because he was now too close to focus.

“Black as coal,” was his quiet assessment. The puffs of breath touched Sasuke’s mouth. “How about mine?”

Exceedingly, “Blue.”

Naruto sat back to an acute sense of loss through Sasuke’s chest. At that level of intimacy, he had expected— _hoped_ even, maybe—  
  
  
  
  
  


  


When Naruto’s hands got tired holding the comic book open, Sasuke took over. He could hardly contain the throttling desire to read ahead whenever Naruto had to break to make meals.

Naruto did not ask Sasuke to help, although it would have made the process faster. For all his wit, it took Sasuke more than a few days to realise this. He moved, and approached, and offered to slice the fruit and pour the drinks.

One day, Sakura tapped on Naruto’s open door. She asked them what they were doing.

“Reading comics. Want to join?”

Naruto was always keen for companionship. Sakura looked at Sasuke, who pushed Naruto against the wall and shuffled over to give her space. It was the worst mistake the three of them could have ever made because as soon as Sakura fell for addiction, they had to wait for her while at work.

Sasuke was going to erupt if he didn’t find something to do. He was not going to beg for the books until he had exhausted all distractions.

Outside held only so much of his interest. The rest of the time was spent too close, but even then, it took a week of hesitation for the physical ache to weigh down the minimums set by dignity. Sasuke stared at Naruto until thoughts consumed him. He rolled into proximity, saying, “Let’s fuck.” 

“No.” 

Sasuke shifted, edging closer, but the intensity of Naruto’s refusal betrayed the weakness of Sasuke’s bones. He stifled the urge to snap, calmed the irritation out of his face, and said, “You don’t want to?” 

“I love you, you know,” said Naruto. 

Sasuke clenched his eyes against a memory. He blinked to fan out the vestiges of sight and sound.

“What do you want me to do?” said Sasuke. 

Naruto opened his legs. His arms went behind his head, high enough to hold Sasuke’s gaze when it returned to his face. “I’m sure you’ll think of something.” 

Sasuke took a careful motion forward and let his hand come to rest on Naruto’s leg. Naruto shifted. He took Sasuke’s hand and encouraged him to work his way up. Sasuke’s touches lingered, on Naruto’s stomach, and chest, over the column of Naruto’s neck and further to Naruto’s face. Sasuke watched his hand move. He activated his sharingan. 

“Fill the room with bunshin,” said Sasuke. “Make them,” a single breath out, “watch me.” 

Naruto brought his fingers between them. After the smoke cleared, twenty pairs of eyes looked on as Sasuke leant down from above, cupped his hands around Naruto’s whiskered cheeks, and lowered his eyes to Naruto’s mouth.

Sasuke kissed Naruto once, slowly, with his eyes open. He tracked Naruto’s chin tilting up to meet him all the sooner, his breath warm on Sasuke’s lips just before contact. Naruto started out with his mouth open so he could take the time to drag his lips over Sasuke’s and draw out the kiss.

Naruto exhaled with a smile. He opened his eyes to stare at Sasuke expectantly.

So Sasuke did it again, lingering a little longer that made the separation no less dissatisfying. Naruto raised his head to delay Sasuke’s retreat.

Sasuke didn’t want to let go this time. He stilled his movements and applied to Naruto’s mouth the same pressure that Naruto’s hands pressed along his back. 

“Ask me,” said Naruto. 

“Do you want to—?” The next words caught in Sasuke’s throat.

“Yes,” said Naruto. He was smiling. “Definitely.”

Naruto stared, his smile now washed, wavering, and then his glitter-blue eyes lifted as he arched and pulled Sasuke closer, and twenty pairs of eyes watched Sasuke do something to Naruto he hadn’t been able to name.  
  
  
  
  
  


  


“Naruto.” 

Naruto kept his gaze on the television and raced through his inventory of household tasks. Sakura reserved that tone for times when had forgotten to do something. 

“Take Sai out,” said Sakura. “I’m getting tired of trying to explain to him why he shouldn’t go check on you when you’re ‘fighting’ with Sasuke-kun. It’s time you dealt with it.” 

Naruto bit the inside of his lip and still failed to suppress a smile off his mouth that bought him no leniencies. “Sorry. I’ll tell Sasuke to keep it down next time.” 

“The walls shake.” 

“Sorry. I’ll tell the walls to keep it down next time.” 

“ _Naruto_ ,” Sakura huffed. Her cherry-pink hair marginally outshone her blush. She stepped into the lounge room and turned off the television. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m really happy for you. But we all have to live here.” 

“Can’t you just leave for a little while?” 

“And just where am I supposed to go at three o’clock in the morning?” 

The comfort of the couch felt suddenly like a cage. Naruto twisted in his seat, flickering his eyelashes while his mind turned. “He usually cries because of bad dreams, you know?” said Naruto. “But once,” leaning against the arm rest, “he didn’t,” lowering his gaze a little, “and I made him cry anyway.” 

Whatever retort Sakura had been prepared to use, it disappeared with a flinch. She had never seen Sasuke cry because he was hurt, and she knew they weren’t hurting each other. “I didn’t know that.” 

“I’ll talk to Sai,” Naruto promised. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


  


“Baachan, where are all your guards?” said Naruto. He held the door open, and Sasuke came through behind him. 

“Guards?” Tsunade mused. She capped her pen and looked up at them. “Why would I need guards when the three strongest ninja in Konoha are in this very room? They’re out protecting the village while I deal with you two.” 

Naruto laughed until he looked over at Sasuke, who was not. Sasuke was alert enough to be a little more anxious about why they had been summoned. Together. 

The last time Sasuke had been in this room, with its wide windows overseeing the village, it had been mid-afternoon, and the sun had been almost too bright from where he was forced to kneel, after the second interrogation with her, so that when Tsunade told him he wasn’t going to be executed, he had been squinting, and he couldn’t tell if her voice had been real. 

“Uchiha.” The taste of the name made Tsunade’s lips press flat in a sour scowl. “You’re lucky you have idiot friends who value your life so much. I hope you realize they’re the only reason you’re not dead right now.”

Sasuke lowered his head. With his hair shielding his face, Tsunade wasn’t able to get a definitive read on his thoughts. Naruto, staring at him, had all the emotions she needed to see shown on his face.

“In light of Uchiha Sasuke’s recent improvements, I’ve decided to remove the Anbu guards.” 

“All of them?” said Naruto. 

“Yes. All of them,” said Tsunade. “Unless you think Uchiha Sasuke is a danger to the village?” 

Tsunade alternated her gaze between the two boys in front of her. Neither spoke. Sasuke kept his eyes pointed at the ground, while Naruto hovered just out of reach, staring, with the first spark of a smile. 

Tsunade tapped the desk once more. “Sasuke,” she said, and then, with a sigh that made them both take notice, “do you remember what you said to me in the beginning?” 

Sasuke didn’t answer, but his breath caught and his shoulders tensed, for a moment. 

“I guess you do,” said Tsunade. “Did you end up telling him?” 

Still Sasuke was silent. 

Then he said, “I did.” 

“I’m glad to hear it.” A crack in Tsunade’s stoicism shone. “You’ve done nothing to warrant having your life taken from you. You are lucky, and worthy, and you deserve to live. Don’t forget it. So now that you have a _third_ chance, how about you make something of it this time and protect your future Hokage next to you?—”

“—Huh?”

“Don’t you want to be Hokage, Naruto?” said Tsunade, sweetly.

“Yeah, but—”

“As for the second thing—”

“Wait—”

“ _As for the second thing_ ,” Tsunade nailed Naruto with a glare and Naruto found the strength to keep his mouth closed. “I’ll be moving you out of that apartment. You two will be going into a place of your own far, far away.”

Sasuke twisted his head and shot a glare at Naruto when he started whining about losing Sakura and Sai as housemates— _shut **up** , you stupid usuratonkachi, she’s telling you to live with me and **only me** —_

“Usually I don’t care what you lot do. This is exactly why I tried to leave you to your own devices while taking care of Uchiha because it _works_ —and god only knows _how_ it works but it does—the problem with your method of making it work is that I get ANBU reports like this.” Tsunade picked up and unfolded a document. “Day two hundred and thirty-nine. 12:11pm to 12:16pm. Kitchen. Groaning noises. 1:35pm to 1:50pm. Uchiha Sasuke’s room. Groaning noises. 2:15pm to 2:20pm. Bathroom. Groaning noises. 2:49pm to 3:15pm. Uchiha Sasuke’s room. Groaning noises. 3:38pm to 3:47pm. Uchiha Sasuke’s room. Groaning noises. 4:08pm to 4:17pm. Uchiha Sasuke’s room. Groaning noises.” Tsunade stopped. She said, “What were you doing?” 

Naruto had a sly look aimed at Sasuke, whose fair skin boasted the extent of his blush, red to the tips of his ears. 

“Fighting,” said Naruto. 

“You seem to fight a lot these days.” Tsunade closed the document. “Though miraculously I don’t see any bruising. I guess I have to conclude that everything’s okay between you pair then.” Tsunade flicked her wrist, and the document smacked the far end of her desk. “Thank god for that. Unfortunately, your teammates don’t seem to share my sentiments, and they are tired of listening to your fighting, so I’ve been forced to find you a very nice cottage on the outskirts of the village where you can fight as much as you like without disturbing anyone.” Tsunade looked between them, pausing on their faces. “Do I get a thank you?” 

Tsunade dangled the key to the cottage and Naruto snatched it up, bursting with gratitude that made up for Sasuke’s respectful dip of his head and, afterwards, his small, moderated smile. 

“Let’s go check it out!” 

Too much excitement, too close made Sasuke recoil a step—though, Tsunade noted, the smile came back when Naruto allocated responsibility for the key to Sasuke and placed it in his hands. Sasuke followed Naruto, departing. He put his hand on the door and turned, dipping his head once again. 

“Thank you,” said Sasuke. 

“I know.” 

The door clicked closed. Tsunade slid an irritated frown over at the document. She had to file that thing.

 _I thought you were supposed to train him to be a ninja, Jiraiya._  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Naruto made up any excuse to be near Sasuke. When he had to pack up his room, it involved three boxes and a lot of mess but afterwards it meant he had a legitimate excuse to hang around Sasuke and gloat that he had won a competition Sasuke wasn’t aware he had entered. Naruto watched, glared, offered unsolicited advice at Sasuke from the doorway, who was organising what little he owned neatly into boxes. Sasuke ignored all of Naruto’s observations but when he opened the last drawer and metal happened to reflect light into Naruto’s eyes—

“Hey, what’s that? How’d you get that?” Naruto walked to Sasuke when he ignored him and took the hitai-ate back out of the box—only to have Sasuke snatch it from him. “What?”

“What?” Sasuke retorted and put it back with his things. “It’s mine, isn’t it?”

“No, it’s mine—”

“Naruto,” in that condescending tone, “yours doesn’t have a big gash on it. This is mine.”

“No it’s not! You threw it away after the fight—!” But Sasuke still wouldn’t let him have it when he tried to grab it, holding it his hand this time and pushing Naruto back.

“I didn’t _throw it away_ —it fell off. It’s still mine. Aren’t I Uchiha Sasuke of the Leaf Village?”

Naruto stared at him. And then he grinned.

_Yeah. You are._

_Welcome home._  
  
  
  
  
  


  


At Naruto’s insistence, Sasuke’s covered Naruto’s eyes leading up the path to their new home.

“What does it look like?”

“It looks nice,” said Sasuke. Naruto made a noise.

“Is it big?”

“It’s okay.”

Naruto made a louder noise. “I really didn’t think it was possible, but you are making this less exciting.”

Sasuke smiled. “It has a balcony.” That drove Naruto into a frenzy of exclamations. “A small one,” Sasuke revised. “It’s on the second floor.”

“There are _two floors?_ ”

Naruto jittered at the squeak of the gate’s hinges, the softness of the grass that tickled the sides of their sandaled feet. Sasuke guided Naruto up a short flight of wooden steps. He put the key in the door.

The smell of fresh timber hit Sasuke first. Shadowed by the house and the trees surrounding it, the walk up had been cool, but the space inside was warmed by sunlight. The wind blew, and he heard the leaves, rustling like pouring rain. There was furniture, covered in calico sheets.

Sasuke said, “You’re not going to open your eyes yet?”

“Hang on.” Naruto navigated the doorway blindly. He reached out, and Sasuke took his hand. Naruto sought out Sasuke’s shoulders and manhandled Sasuke to stand in front of him.

Naruto opened his eyes.

He took a deep breath, and smiled.

“I’m home,” said Naruto.

Afterwards, Naruto ran outside. He said he wanted to see what his eyes had missed. Sasuke took off his shoes and walked around inside. There was a kitchen, a dining room, a great room with sofas, and a laundry on the first floor. Upstairs Sasuke found a small room that could act as a study or a guest room, a bathroom—

He stopped in the doorway to the last room. Naruto, who had completed his circuit in a fraction of the time, was bounding up the stairs. His footsteps stamped on the wooden floorboards and stopped behind Sasuke.

“Is this our bedroom?” said Naruto, as if this conversation was not one that required all the oxygen in the world to sustain. “Look at the size of that futon!” He jumped onto it, and the duvet fluffed with air. “I won’t even be able to find you in all of this.”

Sasuke caught one of pillows thrown at his face. He used it to knock aside the other.

Naruto said, “So which side do you want?”

“I guess,” said Sasuke. He pushed the words out. “The one that’s next to you.”  
  
  
  
  
  


  


One day, Sasuke didn’t cry for a whole day.

Then it was two days. And then three. And four. Five. Soon he wasn’t sure. Soon he lost count. On that peaceful day, he said to Naruto:

“You’re an idiot.”

Naruto slung the towel around his neck and stared at Sasuke’s reflection in the mirror. Fresh out of a shower, he hadn’t yet had a chance to put clothes on. He knew where this fight was going, and he smiled.

“Why don’t you come in here and say that to my face?”

But as soon as Naruto turned around, Sasuke left. Naruto waited to see if he would come back and chased when he didn’t.

Sasuke hadn’t made it very far. He was leaning against the wall in the hallway, scowling at the trim of the one opposite. Naruto leaned against it and waited until the anger faded out of Sasuke’s face.

“I said you’re an idiot.”

Traces of the smile Sasuke was trying to hold back broke into his cheeks. Naruto pushed off the wall and pressed Sasuke more into his. This was different, a kind of convoluted courtship that only Sasuke’s temperament could conjure up. When Naruto leaned in, Sasuke’s eyes started to close—and when they were close enough, Sasuke pursued his mouth when Naruto pulled away before they could touch.

Sasuke looked confused for as long as it took him to realize Naruto’s knowing smile and the tricks he always played.

“What was that for?”

“No reason. I just wanted to see something.”

Sasuke was guarded enough that he knew not to ask what he was looking for. Naruto’s horribly smug smile told him he’d found it and Sasuke wasn’t going to like what it was.

“Don’t play these games with me. You’re nowhere near smart enough to outwit me.”

But when Naruto leaned into him and teased out the same reaction again—

“ _What!_ ” Sasuke grabbed his face in frustrated embarrassment and smacked his mouth on Naruto’s, throwing him away just as quickly. “Is that what you wanted me to do? You’ve got it now so go away and find something useful to do—”

_But you’re the one who started it, Sasuke. And you’re not moving._

Sasuke was being unnecessary. He hung around. He still had his back to the wall facing Naruto and he still stared at him angrily when Naruto leaned in a _third_ time and Sasuke was just far too greedy for teasing—

The plaster snapped from the force of Naruto’s back hitting it. Sasuke kept his foot pressed to his stomach, harder than necessary. “What, Naruto, _what_ are you looking for?”

“I don’t know. You never act like you care so I just wanted to see—”

“You wanted to _see_ if I _care?_ ”

“Maybe. You know, you wouldn’t be so sick all the time if you just relaxed a little”—if there was any jest left in Sasuke’s expression, it was gone now—“It’s just me. You know? Uzumaki Naruto. I really don’t care how you act around other people but while we’re alone it’d be nice to see the side of you that doesn’t hate me—”

“You think I _hate_ you?”

“I don’t know. Do you like me then?”

The look on Sasuke’s face—if he didn’t hate him before, he could have hated him then. Naruto was staring at him, waiting for an answer, and Sasuke _hated_ to see—that while Naruto had started out playful and annoying, he was now looking for a very _real_ answer to a very _real_ question.

_You think—after **everything** I’ve told you, you think I—you **still** think I—_

“You always call me an idiot.”

“That’s because you are.”

“See?”

“See what?”

“I don’t want to accept that as affection.”

Naruto got off on softness, as Sasuke knew. He would use it against him. He would pin Naruto with the black eyes that he was always so eager to gaze at, draw him in, weave and glide within reach. Naruto tracked his movements through lowered eyelashes. He opened his arms and reset his centre of balance when Sasuke climbed onto him—

Naruto, uselessly, hadn’t learned anything at all. He was still the hopeful, emotional, romantic fool that Sasuke had manipulated in the past like the strings of a puppet.

_You really should have settled down with a nice girl._

_How unfortunate that you had to go and fall for someone like me._

Naruto manoeuvred and supported some of Sasuke’s weight against the wall. Sasuke stared down at the face between his fingers, traced over the whiskers with his thumbs to Naruto’s delight, giving in to the touch, and only after making sure that Naruto’s hands were properly disabled, holding him up—

“I _hate_ ,” with a force to match the fist that struck Naruto’s face, “that you’re so _stupid_ and _useless_ and _**blind**_ and you have no sense of _decency_ and I hate that you never _listen_ or clean your shit up and you’re so fucking lucky you’re not _completely_ incompetent in bed because it’s your _only_ redeeming quality—”

Excitement fizzed up his throat, threatening to overflow. All the things Sasuke had kept inside and wanted for so long to say were coming out. There was more, and he would say those things to, after Naruto pulled his head away from where he had buried it in Sasuke’s chest, the only place he was able to go to avoid the hits he couldn’t block—to look up at him and glare and snap and laugh—

“Does that answer your question?”

Power would have him do something reckless. Sasuke breathed. He softened the sneer at his mouth and calmed the wild from his eyes. Naruto was taking it rougher than usual or maybe he was just hiding in the folds of Sasuke’s shirt until he thought of something stupid and witty— _as if you’d ever say anything clever_ —time passing long and tight and maybe a little too quiet—

_What’s wrong with you today?_

“You’re supposed to laugh.”

Tension pulled. Sasuke frowned, disappointed. What had started out as a— _stupid thing you asked!_ —was turning into a chiding from an adult at a child. Sasuke didn’t take well to reprimands that reminded him of the troubling beat of his own heart.

_What the hell is your problem anyway? Why aren’t you **laughing**? You **always** laugh—_

Naruto wasn’t laughing. He—wasn’t doing anything.

“Laugh, you stupid dobe, you’re supposed to _laugh_.”

Sasuke’s fingers bit and held onto hair when Naruto moved to look up. He pressed his face into Sasuke’s neck and, stupider than before—

“Be nice to me. I love you, you know—”

“ ** _Shut up._** Stop saying that. You’re an idiot! You’re stupid. I can’t believe there’s a person in the world even stupider than me—”

All the things Sasuke had kept inside long enough to rot were coming out. He snapped his teeth closed. It was a strange sense of disassociation that he felt when Naruto shifted and adjusted his hold, like Naruto was holding him to keep him together.

_**I don’t need you to take care of me.** What a stupid stupid **stupid** thing to suggest. Why I agreed to it—why I **fell** for it—_

_Why didn’t you break? You were supposed to break._

**_Why did you have to leave?_ **

Sasuke’s heart shook all the way to his fingers, banging in his ears and making it hard to think. He clenched his eyes shut a moment to realign his sensibilities. It hadn’t started out like this. It wasn’t going to end this like either. Naruto was just being silly, as usual, and he would get out of it, silly as usual. Sasuke just had to find the right words.

“Put me down.”

“No.”

“I said put me down.”

“And I said no.”

Naruto worried that Sasuke would hit him again. He felt too tense to move and his voice sounded strained and _scared_. But Naruto knew that if he let go, Sasuke would run. He would build taller walls and thicker guards. He would continue to immerse himself in a fantasy life of crippling stomach pains and never enough sleep.

“Put me down or I’ll make your life hell. I’ll do everything all over again. I’ll make you hate me so much, you’ll _want_ to kill me and end my disgusting life—”

“Don’t.”

The grip of Sasuke’s fingers in his hair was starting to hurt. His breathing was uneven and at times harder than the blood pounding through his veins. But Naruto wouldn’t let go. He believed that this was what Sasuke needed, even if it did force exposure deep enough to erase him.

“I don’t hate _you_ , Sasuke—”

“Because you’re the dumbest piece of _shit_ I’ve ever met!” Sasuke’s voice was high and hysterical. “I swear to god, sometimes I don’t even know if you _know_ what I’ve done. I’ve hurt everyone. I’ve ruined _**everything**_ —”

Naruto pressed harder, wound his arms tighter when Sasuke struggled. He thrashed, forcefully, kicking out with his legs and shoving Naruto’s face around, scratching—but still Naruto held on and Sasuke couldn’t escape.

At a loss, Sasuke pulled at his head, tipping his jaw up, but when the kiss wasn’t real, Naruto wouldn’t reciprocate.

“What! What do you _want_ from me? I kissed you! Wasn’t that what you wanted? Do you want more? Just _fuck me_ if that’s what you want—”

“Sasuke—”

_Sasuke—_

_I can’t believe—_  
_before **anything** else—_  
_you’re telling me to fuck you._

 _I can’t believe—_  
_you’re **so scared** of what you feel—_  
_that you can’t even say you don’t hate me._

“I don’t have anything left to give you—”

“Sasuke—”

“And all I ever do is hurt you—”

“Sasuke! Shut up—”

“ _I’m sorry—_ ”  
  
  
  
  
  


  


Sasuke wasn’t trapped anymore. He was allowed outside whenever he wanted and he never travelled too far from home, which was Naruto.

He was free.

Naruto was already waiting at the door, dressed in clothes that hadn’t been ironed and scratching at hair that hadn’t been brushed. Sasuke stared at him while Naruto’s attention was elsewhere and avoided him when Naruto turned to look at him.

“Hey—Naruto,” staring fixedly at the ground and, with arrogance shed and all the stagnated innocence and vulnerability of a seven-year-old: “I love you so much, I love myself.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

Sasuke waited and then glanced at Naruto.

He’d heard him.

“Okay.”

Naruto knew he had to keep his smile calm, knew he had to say very little in response. He turned from the house to leave and stopped, looked down at his hand and the other hand in it.  
  


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the end

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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